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Original poster

MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

272 replies

GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 20:53

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

OP posts:
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 07/01/2022 21:14

@Classicblunder

Why do you only help others to receive help?

Wreath21 · 07/01/2022 21:14

Is the problem that you hate your SIL or just that you think women should never have any childfree fun once they become mothers?

Billandben444 · 07/01/2022 21:16

I think MIL would appreciate some adult company and support over bedtime and I can't see why there's a drama over it tbh. It would be kind of her son to help out and I don't understand the posters who are saying SIL should return the favour by babysitting your two. Does every good deed have to be paid back?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 07/01/2022 21:17

@Billandben444

I agree, what a sad and selfish world we live in, where an uncle can’t help his mum out for a few hours without his wife kicking off and wanting help in return

AliveAndSleeping · 07/01/2022 21:18

Mil might not be confident that she can manage if it's the first time in this situation. It's different if they aren't your own kids. If your dh can spare the time it would be nice of him to go and help out. 3h isn't that much really.

I'm also a bit surprised that you think that you will struggle putting your own kids to bed without dh (especially considering that your 8 year old might be able to put themselves to bed) but think mil should be perfectly fine managing two kids under 5 who aren't even her own just because she did it decades ago.

AliveAndSleeping · 07/01/2022 21:19

@VikingOnTheFridge

This is not a precedent I would wish to set.
Do you never help anyone in case it sets a bad precedent?
SmellyOldOwls · 07/01/2022 21:19

Looking after other people's kids is hard work. Why shouldn't he help if he wants to? Maybe he'd like to spend some time with his mum and the kids.

HelloDulling · 07/01/2022 21:20

He wants to do it, I assume? Help his sister out, and spend the evening with his mum, who lives far away and is on her own?

Sounds like a nice thing, tbh, and I presume you are able to put your own children to bed.

LethargicActress · 07/01/2022 21:20

This isn’t something worth you fighting about, it doesn’t make you look good, and you might need support from the in laws one day.

Either let DH go without complaint, or organise something for you to all do together for the afternoon.

VikingOnTheFridge · 07/01/2022 21:21

Do you never help anyone in case it sets a bad precedent?

No, just in situations where like this one it would so clearly be a bad one.

TwiggletLover · 07/01/2022 21:22

As my mum is getting older she is struggling with the kids and I don't think she'd be capable of looking after them for a bit long period of time alone. However my DC are more familiar with her than anyone else and used to her at bedtime etc. DH and I would like a weekend away so we have discussed exactly what you've talked about, getting some one to assist her with the kids. I think this makes complete sense and is not at all insulting as others have said. I think it would be very mean of you to have a problem with this but I would also be expecting return babysitting back from your sister in law at some point in the future

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 21:23

For what it’s worth I am the one who encourages contact between DH and his family. I get a little peeved when they play the poor me/poverty card (neither applies) but it’s a good way to try and get us to pay for something or do stuff. SIL never hosts us. Always expects us to host her to dinner.

I also have no issue with seeing his DM that weekend. Would expect to.

OP posts:
saraclara · 07/01/2022 21:23

Does MIL want the help? Or is SIL arranging this without her input?

I'm 66 and I'm reasonably confident that I'd be able to manage this bedtime. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate some company and a bit of help if it was offered. A weekend alone doing childcare in someone else's house would be pretty lonely and tiring.

I'd not appreciate being told that I wasn't up to it, but I'd be pleased, and enjoy it if the kids' aunt or uncle suggested they pop round for company and a hand.
I occasionally do childcare for my toddler DGD, and if her auntie isn't working on those days she sometimes pops round for a bit of niece time, and it's always a pleasure and takes the pressure off.

I don't really see your problem with your DH helping out, to be honest.

Whatinthelord · 07/01/2022 21:23

Personally I’d find it an odd request ….is it to help with the bedtime period?

However overall I’d just accept it as a one off request for help and I’d feel good knowing that I could potentially ask SIL to reciprocate if I ever needed childcare help.

I’d prefer leaving kids at home to having them babysat by strangers at a hotel too.

manseymoo1987 · 07/01/2022 21:24

I don't see the problem as it's a one off. Has MIL looked after the dgc before? I think it's hard when you don't look after small children everyday. I'm currently babysitting my friends 2dc age 5 and 1 (plus my own dc9) overnight and I'd forgotten his relentless things are. An extra pair of hands would be welcome!

Classicblunder · 07/01/2022 21:24

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@Classicblunder

Why do you only help others to receive help?[/quote]
No, if it were an emergency, of course that would be fine but I have no one who has my kids overnight so I can go out so I wouldn't be putting myself out without reciprocity.

Ohisitreally · 07/01/2022 21:24

TBH there is a huge difference between looking after your own children and managing and then fast forward 20 30 years and doing it again!I am a grandmother now and I look after my granddaughter overnight 4 -5 times a month and it is bloody exhausting!Love her to bits and my daughter is really appreciative and 100% respects how tired I get .
If my husband is away then my daughter never expects me to have granddaughter because she understands, definitely not because she doesn't trust me .

BatshitBanshee · 07/01/2022 21:25

Why ask anyone to babysit if you don't think they're fit for the job on their own. SIL is a CF and very very odd.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 07/01/2022 21:25

@AliveAndSleeping

Mil might not be confident that she can manage if it's the first time in this situation. It's different if they aren't your own kids. If your dh can spare the time it would be nice of him to go and help out. 3h isn't that much really.

I'm also a bit surprised that you think that you will struggle putting your own kids to bed without dh (especially considering that your 8 year old might be able to put themselves to bed) but think mil should be perfectly fine managing two kids under 5 who aren't even her own just because she did it decades ago.

I was thinking the same thing. OP you cant put your 2 kids to bed without him but think its crazy that MIL might need some help putting her grandkids to bed?
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/01/2022 21:26

I should also add that SIL doesn’t often get in contact and it would usually be a request if she does

So there is backstory of resentment of God knows what.

Just tell SIL to pay for a baby sitter or ask your DH to sort something out. Have you told him you don't want him to go? They are family and helping each other out. Are you just being narky?

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 21:26

@OnceuponaRainbow18 where did I say I kicked off? I am merely seeing what others think.

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 07/01/2022 21:28

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Can the dm and gc not stay at yours instead? Or you at theirs?

I presume from the way you talk about sil you've no idea how their dc are at bedtime?

heyitsthistle · 07/01/2022 21:29

This is such a non-issue! I would have no problem with this, unless your 8 year old is a handful at bedtime.

colourfulpuddles · 07/01/2022 21:31

I don’t really see how it’s anything to do with you?

If MIL is okay with having her son there, what exactly is the issue? Surely you are able to cope and don’t begrudge him time with his family?

Puffalicious · 07/01/2022 21:34

ShirleyPhallus I do not profess to know your mum better than you, I meant that as you didn't state any physical issues/ age related difficulties/ struggles that it's strange that YOU don't think she'd cope, not her but you. If she asked for help, fine, but the way society presumes older people can't cope puzzles me.

Of course you know your specific mum's capabilities, it's just society's over-whelming position that the wisdom older people provide is somehow lesser.

OP suggest an over-night stay instead- less time for your MIL. The point PP make of her being bored/ lonely for a whole weekend is a good one.

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