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Original poster

MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

272 replies

GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 20:53

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

OP posts:
YourenutsmiLord · 08/01/2022 06:32

If it's a one off for a wedding or something that's fine but not a regular thing - that's cheeky.

Perhaps stop facilitating your DH's closeness to family. - It has come back to bite you on the bum so just leave it to flounder in future.

Bluetrews25 · 08/01/2022 06:43

SIL only gets in touch when she wants something.
SIL has asked OP's DH to go and help with bedtime.
SIL has not asked if OP is ok to wrangle her own DCs without her DH, and that is the cheeky bit.
OP very likely can wrangle her own DCs at bedtime, but it may well give her more work if her DH is usually very helpful at this time. So SIL has not asked the only person who is going to be more inconvenienced by her night away. It's not much difference for DH to help get different DCs to bed, but OPs workload could have doubled.
I can see why OP might be a bit annoyed, because she was not asked.

shouldistop · 08/01/2022 06:55

*So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this*

If my dh told me he was helping out a family member one day he'd just check I had nothing on so I could watch the kids and that would be that.

Why on earth would your SIL ask you about it?

Assuming your 8yo is NT are you implying that putting an 8yo and 6mo to bed by yourself is an issue?

shouldistop · 08/01/2022 06:58

And why would that be? I'm sure your mum is perfectly capable. Whether she wants to is a different matter, but it's an insult to say she wouldn't be able to do it. Are you implying that her ideas are outdated? I think if you've had 4 kids you're capable of looking after anyone's kids, except if you're physically unable to. I can't stand this dismissal of the older generation.

I don't think it's dismissal of the older generation at all. My mum is mid 60s and healthy but says she finds looking after small children far more difficult now than she did 30 years ago.

SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch · 08/01/2022 07:07

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own

Okay, so I'm thinking quite nice for his mum to have his company and support if he's free for the weekend....

And then this:

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

Hahaha. Your SIL is on glue.

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this

Of course she didn't. although it's not you she should have asked, it's your husband. But of course she suggested it to your MIL and got her to ask your DH, knowing full well he'd find it harder to say no to helping his poor old mum than saying 'Fuck off cheeky cow' to his sister.

Hotyogahotchoc · 08/01/2022 07:11

FGS OP why can't your DH just help out his sister for a few hours

Surely you can look after your own children?

MIL may be able to manage her DGC too but maybe SIL is just anxious

And she doesn't have to ask YOU if she asked her brother

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/01/2022 07:12

@GoldfingersFinger

I also have no idea whether or not MIL knows about this request SIL has made. As I say, not involved in the conversation - tho I did reach out to SIL earlier today to see how she was and she never mentioned anything.
She probably didn’t mention it because she didn’t think that asking if her brother could pop over for 3 hours as a one-off was a big deal that needed permission from you.
Billandben444 · 08/01/2022 07:12

Perhaps stop facilitating your DH's closeness to family.
This thread has reached a new low - there are some pretty mean comments on here but this one takes the biscuit.

YourenutsmiLord · 08/01/2022 07:16

Surely DH can facilitate his own closeness with his own family.
Or should all manbabies be facilitated - another wifely duty?
I would suspect that it is the facilitating that the OP is doing which makes her a bit put out that that has resulted in them making demands on DH's time, which she doesn't seem happy about.

ChubbyMorticia · 08/01/2022 07:30

My husband would find it very odd to leave our children to go babysit someone else's, ESPECIALLY when there's already a perfectly capable adult arranged to babysit.

Unless it's an emergency of some sort, there's no way either of us would give up a weekend with our kids to play back up sitter somewhere.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/01/2022 07:33

Perhaps stop facilitating your DH's closeness to family. - It has come back to bite you on the bum so just leave it to flounder in future

Yes, how will the OP ever recover from the trauma of putting a baby and an 8 year old to bed by herself? Once.

The only solution is to go NC with her DH’s entire family. Maybe some sort of witness protection scheme to be really sure they can’t persist with their outrageous demands?

Hiyawotcha · 08/01/2022 07:38

I’d be fine with this - good way for dh to spend time with his mother and his nephews/nieces. I’d see it as that - family get-together - rather than an indication of her competence. And 2 dcs of that age for a whole weekend would be quite hard work regardless, so small break each day at bedtime would be welcomed I’m sure.

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 08/01/2022 07:39

@Onthedunes has framed it perfectly. Couldn’t have said it better.

OP posts:
Candyflossie · 08/01/2022 07:41

@VerveClique

I’d look after all the kids myself for the night and have MIL come over too. She could start over too or DH could take her home once all DCs in bed.

Do people NEVER help each other out these days?! I’d be one night of slight chaos but lovely.

That's a good idea!
shouldistop · 08/01/2022 07:42

@ChubbyMorticia

My husband would find it very odd to leave our children to go babysit someone else's, ESPECIALLY when there's already a perfectly capable adult arranged to babysit.

Unless it's an emergency of some sort, there's no way either of us would give up a weekend with our kids to play back up sitter somewhere.

So neither of you would ever help family out with childcare? I find that bizarre. He's not giving up a weekend anyway - it's a few hours.
Emerald5hamrock · 08/01/2022 07:42

I can understand your frustration if it is one sided.
As a one off I'd have no issue for MIL as you dislike them and feel their sneaky you'd feel differently.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 08/01/2022 07:48

@ChiefStockingStuffer

Aren’t you a bundle of joy.

Seriously, I feel for many of these husbands who aren’t allowed out, not even to help family. It’s controlling and unhealthy

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 08/01/2022 07:50

Her attitude to us when we might need help is best summed up in this example.

A few years ago, before she had kids but we had one toddler I was desperately illl. She decided to come and see us (she didn’t ask but just hopped on a train as she was a few hours away at the point) on the day after my first treatment with the texts to DH at about 11am that morning: ‘I will be arriving at 1pm so you can feed me’. That was it. That was the missive given.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/01/2022 07:57

@GoldfingersFinger

Her attitude to us when we might need help is best summed up in this example.

A few years ago, before she had kids but we had one toddler I was desperately illl. She decided to come and see us (she didn’t ask but just hopped on a train as she was a few hours away at the point) on the day after my first treatment with the texts to DH at about 11am that morning: ‘I will be arriving at 1pm so you can feed me’. That was it. That was the missive given.

That’s the kind of message I would send my brother.. because he’s my brother! We have a light-hearted relationship.

And, yes, it’s inconsiderate to show up without prior agreement, especially when someone has young children, but she didn’t know you were ill and probably - naively - thought it would be nice to surprise her brother.

It’s an incredibly petty thing to have harboured resentment about for years. You sound insecure and threatened by your DH’s family.

spotcheck · 08/01/2022 07:58

@2bazookas

I'd tell DH he needs to stay home and mind his own kids because you're going OUT .
Jesus .. that is his family too!

Honestly, why are people so f*ing loathe to do something for someone else. I despair.

OP
Your niece/ nephews are close in age, and probably ARE much harder at bedtime than yours. Can you not cope?

Maybe those children are hard at bedtime. Maybe they act up. Maybe SIL is nervous, and just really wants to be reassured that her kids are in two pair of hands.

I bloody hate this trend that it's shocking to do something for someone else, and that when you have your own children, no one is allowed to do something nice for anyone else.

LemonDrizzles · 08/01/2022 08:01

Did you say it was the weekend? Perhaps the 8 year old can go with dh

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/01/2022 08:03

l bloody hate this trend that it's shocking to do something for someone else, and that when you have your own children, no one is allowed to do something nice for anyone else

Totally agree. Society is fucked if people aren’t prepared to help anyone outside their own household.

Also, IME, the people who come up with this shit are happy to spout crap about how ‘it takes a village’ and to expect other people to help them. They want a community to exist for their benefit, but to contribute nothing to it.

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 08/01/2022 08:03

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I was having chemo for an aggressive cancer that gave me at that point gave me not a massive chance of survival. She knew I was ill. She came to look at me so yes, I still remember that.

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 08/01/2022 08:04

[quote GoldfingersFinger]@MissLucyEyelesbarrow I was having chemo for an aggressive cancer that gave me at that point gave me not a massive chance of survival. She knew I was ill. She came to look at me so yes, I still remember that.[/quote]
Quite a drip feed.

I hope you are better now?

VanillaAndOrange · 08/01/2022 08:05

I would want to know more about the reason why SIL doesn't want MIL to do it alone, and whether MIL agrees. It's just possible that MIL made some mistake on a previous occasion that SIL doesn't want a repeat of, but is too soft/polite to say anything directly to MIL.

If it's not that, and she's just being overprotective/fussy/ageist, the obvious solution is for MIL to do it alone but have DH as a backup person to call if there's an emergency - and by emergency I don't mean "little Hattie won't go to sleep." He's not that far away. That way, MIL is respected and gets to use her perfectly competent babysitting skills, but SIL gets peace of mind.

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