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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

272 replies

GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 20:53

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

OP posts:
Flabbyflabberson · 07/01/2022 22:17

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Oh please it’s his family, let him help, hopefully your 8 year old can get them self ready for bed and go to bed…!
Oh please, his kids are his family too and should come first.
HoppingPavlova · 07/01/2022 22:18

No idea but would think it likely it was a poorly worded request where the intent was for the MIL to have a few hours of adult company as opposed to her needing help with the kids. If she is there on her own all weekend with the kids I gather she is housebound rather than being able to get out unless they leave her a car with car seats. So, a weekend trapped in the house with young kids, I could see why someone would have thought a few hours of adult company/conversation would be good for sanity, hence the suggestion for your DH to go over. It wouldn’t strike me as offensive or outrageous.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 07/01/2022 22:20

I’d suggest that MIL and the two kids come and have a sleepover at yours and then the three adults mind the 4 kids together. The adults get company and the kids get to play with their cousins. #winner

RantyAunty · 07/01/2022 22:20

YABVU

You clearly don't like your DH's sister.

If he wants to do it, he should.

Would you rather he be out at the pub drinking instead?

It's his family. You're being ridiculous.

Mischance · 07/01/2022 22:21

Why did she arrange to leave the children with someone she did not think was capable of looking after them? - nuts!

sonjadog · 07/01/2022 22:22

It's just one night and he gets to spend time with his Mum and his nephew/nieces. It wouldn't bother me at all.

PatchworkElmer · 07/01/2022 22:24

It would annoy me as a regular occurrence but I’d let it slide as a one off.

BananaBlue · 07/01/2022 22:26

@greenlynx

Those of you who’s saying that it’s nice for OP’s husband to spend some time with his mum…well he could spend it at his own house watching his own kids while OP could go for a girly weekend away. just saying.
Is OP going on a girly weekend that same weekend?

Of course there is no reason why he couldn’t have his DC for his wife to go away, but surely there’s no reason why he cannot keep his mum company in this instance.

I don’t get your point really?

VerveClique · 07/01/2022 22:27

I’d look after all the kids myself for the night and have MIL come over too. She could start over too or DH could take her home once all DCs in bed.

Do people NEVER help each other out these days?! I’d be one night of slight chaos but lovely.

BlowDryRat · 07/01/2022 22:31

How lovely that your DH will be taking your DC to spend time with their DGM and cousins while you have an afternoon to yourself Wink

Babyvenusplant · 07/01/2022 22:33

'We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.'

Can you really not cope with this as a one off by yourself?

BananaBlue · 07/01/2022 22:36

I’m really surprised that people have such a huge issue with this?

Or is this coming from people who have DH that normally do little at home?

In which case I’d be Hmm at him playing the dutiful son.

I was away a few days last year, DH had DC solo (I’ve never had DC solo that long) and BIL stayed over the middle night to keep DH company/catch up.

Didn’t even occur to me that SIL might have an issue - we’d do the same for them (actually we’ve prob had their DC more as we haven’t done sleepovers with our DC) as they are family.

AliveAndSleeping · 07/01/2022 22:36

@greenlynx

Those of you who’s saying that it’s nice for OP’s husband to spend some time with his mum…well he could spend it at his own house watching his own kids while OP could go for a girly weekend away. just saying.
That very same weekend? Yes, of course of op wants to have a girly weekend some time dh should totally support that as well but op hasn't mentioned that she has any plans of her own. Are you seriously suggesting that her dh never do anything at all in case op suddenly decides she wants to go out?

He's given her notice, I assume it's a one off and not a regular occurrence, it's just one evening and his mum needs (or wants or might need) help. I genuinely don't see what the problem is.

I'm taking my parents to the hospital tomorrow and leaving our two DC with dh. Should I not do this in case dh suddenly decides he wants to go golfing or something tomorrow?

Sally872 · 07/01/2022 22:36

If my mum would genuinely struggle I would help as a one off. But not if its just because sister worries she can't manage.

If I were dh I would chat to mum and find out how she is feeling about babysitting if she sounds nervous i would offer to come along for a bit.

saraclara · 07/01/2022 22:38

[quote Walking4You]@saraclara if you knew that looking after two young dcs for the whole was exhausting for you and you would find putting them to bed challenging, esp when it is then followed by another full day with them,

Why, why would you say YES to such request?? Confused

I mean fine if you find it hard. But no one said that you had to do it.[/quote]
Because I want to help out my daughter and I love my DGD.
I said it would be tiring. I didn't say it would be impossible or a chore that I wouldn't want to do.

Choccorocco · 07/01/2022 22:39

It seems rather sad that you begrudge you husband helping his mum and sister out. It doesn’t sound as if it happens much? I can’t see the issue unless they do this often, although you do sound a bit resentful of them already, so maybe they are CFs. I agree with pp that you could ask her over with the kids or send your husband with them to keep them all company if you really want nothing to do with it.
Personally I’d do this with a happy heart, glad that I could help some fellow parents enjoy some child free time.

dottiedodah · 07/01/2022 22:42

I think as a one off its fine tbh.young children are tiring and mil probably feels she could use a hand getting them off to bed.there is a difference between her as a young mum several years back.its very different when you are 65 70 though!

Muthalucka · 07/01/2022 22:43

If it’s just for a few hours I don’t really see the issues? For the whole weekend I’d be a bit hmm but your husband being gone for a few hours is no big deal. Can you not do bedtime alone?

Kipperandarthur · 07/01/2022 22:52

I really can’t see the problem. What problem do you have with it though and why?

853ax · 07/01/2022 23:04

You mention that he will be gone at bed time, if you need help putting your own children to bed expect your MIL would definitely need help putting grandchildren to bed.
I see this happens with my SIL, two adults are required each evening for putting two children to bed. So if they away and a Granny minding someone else will always go over help few hours.
If Granny coming to stay babysit I think it nice if someone called in check if needed bit break or help. She may need pop out shops, want a walk or toilet/shower break.
Think it he expected to stay all the time while they away is bit much. But few hours in evening or morning is fair enough.

SalmonEile · 07/01/2022 23:07

Does your husband not help out with your own kids? Does he leave you to do both bedtimes and everything else but when it’s his sister and mother who need help he’s more than willing ?

TheNestedIf · 07/01/2022 23:10

I hate to be that poster, and I know I'm going to get a total flaming, but are you absolutely sure that's where DH is going?

Your SIL didn't mention this to you, and it's not straightforward for you to corroborate with MIL.

OnaBegonia · 07/01/2022 23:12

Only on MN have I come across this , both parents needed for the huge task of bedtime. Does nobody ever leave their homes in the evening for hobbies/ work etc??
Or is it just the usual resentment of a DH helping his family, daring to go out?

Puffalicious · 07/01/2022 23:23

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maybloss2 · 07/01/2022 23:25

Your dh can ask his mum if she wants some company. Take it from there. Mil could be feeling a bit out of practise even with 4 of her own or just like some company when the kids are in bed.
Why would yr sil ask you specifically? She would obviously ask her own brother and assume you’d both discuss it?
You may have had plans already for that weekend sil didn’t know when she asked.

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