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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

272 replies

GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 20:53

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

OP posts:
IamGusFring · 07/01/2022 21:36

Are you sure that it isn't MIL who wants some company? My ex MIL would never babysit my children on her own . She didn't feel confident enough.

Tillyvonpantsalo · 07/01/2022 21:36

It will be nice for MIL to have company. I've raised four kids in quick succession and find grandkids knackering even though I'm fit and youngish.

It really does sound like you don't want him to do it.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2022 21:37

Can you clarify what you have an issue with op?
I'm not understanding if you're...
A) upset because you don't want your dh to leave you to do bed time alone. (In which case Yabu)
B) upset on your mils behalf that your sil doesn't think she's capable.

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 07/01/2022 21:38

A weekend by herself with two that age will be a tiring slog for MIL, whatever her age

Oh for heavens sake, how patronising! I have regularly had between 1 and 4 grandchildren to stay, for overnights, a few days or even for weeks in the Summer holidays and I'm in my 70s! Why has looking after a couple of children, either one's own or someone else's suddenly become so difficult?

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 21:38

From what I gather SIL is away for that night only

OP posts:
babybrain77 · 07/01/2022 21:38

I think you're being unfair here and that your title is misleading. It's not that MIL can't babysit on her own, it's that she might find it easier over dinner/bath/bedtime with 2 very young children to have an extra set of hands. That doesn't seem at all unreasonable to me.

Bloomers58 · 07/01/2022 21:38

This doesn't really sounds like it's a decision/situation that you should be involved in to me. It's your husbands situation to deal with however he sees fit and unless the decision harms or inconveniences you, e..g you are unable to look after your own children on your own then i'd stay right out of it. I'm sure if his mum is anything like mine she would be over the moon to have some time alone with her son x

ShirleyPhallus · 07/01/2022 21:39

@Puffalicious

ShirleyPhallus I do not profess to know your mum better than you, I meant that as you didn't state any physical issues/ age related difficulties/ struggles that it's strange that YOU don't think she'd cope, not her but you. If she asked for help, fine, but the way society presumes older people can't cope puzzles me.

Of course you know your specific mum's capabilities, it's just society's over-whelming position that the wisdom older people provide is somehow lesser.

OP suggest an over-night stay instead- less time for your MIL. The point PP make of her being bored/ lonely for a whole weekend is a good one.

It sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder and being an older person that people don’t appreciate your wisdom. I have no idea why you’re projecting that on me.

But in a nutshell, my mum is in her 70s so:

  • she has far less energy than she used to and is physically less able, nothing specific but just as she’s got older. It’s become much harder for her to carry our toddler DD and place her in the cot, it hurts her back or her knees to kneel down now
  • raising your own children for years then having years off while they’re adults, then being chucked back in at the deep end for a weekend is a lot, I imagine you forget just how intense it is when you’re not used to it
  • given they’re not your own children, you just won’t know them as well as your own. So you won’t know that if the baby cries at night it’s because they want a drink / dropped their bunny etc like a parent would and it’s harder

I’m not sure why I have to spell out why a grandparent in their 70s might find it a challenge to look after 2 under 5 but it’s nothing to do with wisdom Confused

NoFitStateMum · 07/01/2022 21:40

Assuming MIL is aware that SIL has asked your DH to help, as a one off I wouldn't mind. But I like the suggestion upthread from a poster whose name I've now forgotten too:

"great - we would love to take it in turns to babysit for each other - can you do X weekend next month?"

PheonixGlitterRepublic · 07/01/2022 21:40

I wouldn’t see it as a huge issue really. With an 8 year old and 6 month old I can’t see you would need any help over bedtime but can well imagine MIL would be in need of an extra pair of hands with a 4 year old and 18 month old.

Is it the lack of being consulted that’s the issue? My in-laws have always arranged for DH to help them with stuff that takes the whole day at the weekend leaving me with two young children to look after alone. I’m never consulted but it’s really me that ends up being inconvenienced by the favour. It does grate a little to be honest.

cadburyegg · 07/01/2022 21:40

@AliveAndSleeping

Mil might not be confident that she can manage if it's the first time in this situation. It's different if they aren't your own kids. If your dh can spare the time it would be nice of him to go and help out. 3h isn't that much really.

I'm also a bit surprised that you think that you will struggle putting your own kids to bed without dh (especially considering that your 8 year old might be able to put themselves to bed) but think mil should be perfectly fine managing two kids under 5 who aren't even her own just because she did it decades ago.

Totally agree with this. It's a one off. Of course you can handle putting your own children to bed by yourself.
Bluebluemoon · 07/01/2022 21:40

I think that's quite a bizarre request.

My sister, brother and I all have dc's the same age and I would never have even thought of asking one of them to come and watch my dc's when my dm was enlisted to babysit them.

Your dh has his own dc's taking up his time and energy. I think she's a CF to expect him to give up his weekend to watch hers, especially when it's completely unnecessary.

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 21:40

@babybrain77 no the way it’s been put is that she can’t cope. She has before but can’t this time.

As I say, I am merely seeing what people think. I see both sides to the argument.

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 07/01/2022 21:42

I agree it's baffling that you can't cope with putting your own children to bed but resent the suggestion that your MIL might like some support/company whilst looking after her infant grandchildren in someone else's house for the weekend. It's just little things like, would she know how the TV works/how to find the kids' favourite TV shows? I don't know how to use my parents' TV and they don't know how to work mine. Having another person to help with incidental things like this could be really useful. It's very clear you dislike and resent your SIL and are judging her decision to book a weekend away. The request for your husband's time is just a smokescreen for all the other shit.

NessieMcNessface · 07/01/2022 21:42

As a grandma who’s brought up several children of my own, I still feel a little bit overwhelmed when I’m looking after my two small grandchildren overnight. I do it and I manage OK but it is tiring and I have to say I’d always welcome any extra help from one of my other children. I’d be very grateful to you for releasing your husband to help! I do a lot of childcare which I’m very happy to do but most of it is during the day. The night time routine is always a bit more challenging!

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 21:45

I also have no idea whether or not MIL knows about this request SIL has made. As I say, not involved in the conversation - tho I did reach out to SIL earlier today to see how she was and she never mentioned anything.

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 07/01/2022 21:46

I can’t really see what the issue is.

Young children are hard work and your DH can spend time with his nephews/nieces, see his mum and help his sister out which is a nice thing to do. He will only be gone for about 3 hours and it’s not a regular ask so it’s not exactly putting you out.

What would the problem be?

lavidaesuncarnival · 07/01/2022 21:47

Sorry, I think YABU to be so annoyed by this. It makes sense to me that it would be better for someone to be there to help out MIL, and surely the one day you will be able to manage bedtime on your own. Or is there a reason why it wouldn't work (special needs, disability in your eight year old) ?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/01/2022 21:47

I’m 58. I’ve had 2 and got 2 stepsons.

I’d be a bit daunted by dealing with 2 very little ones,

Bloomers58 · 07/01/2022 21:48

If this were my family, my mum would have expressed upset to me that she never gets any time to herself with her son and I therefore would see asking my brother to help her looks after my kids as a lovely opportunity to facilitate this. It's difficult for mothers to have time with their sons when their sons have a wife and kids, it's a rarity, and they miss it. I hope he goes and he and his mum have a lovely evening together and in the future I hope your son (assuming one or more of your children is a son) does the same for you x

rooarsome · 07/01/2022 21:50

I think you need to clarify who made this request and whether your MIL is aware of it.
If MIL is aware and would be grateful for the help then personally I don't think it's an issue for your OH to go.
Your update about SIL only getting in touch to request something reads as though you have a broader problem with her

saraclara · 07/01/2022 21:50

[quote GoldfingersFinger]@babybrain77 no the way it’s been put is that she can’t cope. She has before but can’t this time.

As I say, I am merely seeing what people think. I see both sides to the argument.[/quote]
Maybe after the last time, MIL was honest about how knackering she found it.

I'm 66 and reasonably fit. But after 10 hours (and no bedtime involved) of having my toddler DGD for childcare (I'm widowed, so alone) I'm really tired. So wrangling a four year old AND and 18 month old's bathtime and bedtime at the end of ten hours with both, would be hard. Yes, I'm capable of doing it, but I'd be thrilled if their mother's sibling offered to pop round for company and support, I'd bite their hand off.

And just a reminder that looking after other people's children and managing their routines, is massively harder than doing the same for your own children. Even if you're a couple and not double their mum's age.

My closest friends do occasional childcare and overnights for their two DGCs and find it knackering. And there are two of them to share the load. They're competent enough of course. But the energy and extra responsibility of caring for children that aren't yours, at our age, is disproportionately wearing.

SeasonFinale · 07/01/2022 21:51

I was on your side until you used the phrase "reach out" .

I would just send your kids with DH to see their cousins and have some peace and quiet.

Zebracat · 07/01/2022 21:52

I think your Dh sounds nicer than you. It seems a normal thing for him to do.Everything you say about his family sounds sneery and unpleasant. I hope your children don’t grow up to have partners who are like this about you.

greenlynx · 07/01/2022 21:54

I suppose the bedtime might be especially tricky for various reasons so I can understand why the extra person is required.
However essentially SIL asks your DH to babysit her DC, it’s a big ask in your situation with the travel and etc so should be discussed by both of you as it might affect YOU and YOUR DC. I don’t know your situation, for some it might be non event and for some it might be quite a sacrifice.
So would it be difficult for you? If yes, he can’t go unfortunately, so SIL needs to find different solution.

Tbh I didn’t like your SIL’s approach if it’s so complicated she could wait with her weekend away, it’s not life saving issue but I was trying to be fair