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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 07/01/2022 15:40

Well sounds like you have enough money to sack him off now. There’s no pleasing him, you are flogging a dead horse love.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 15:44

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to step back from this thread now and have a think about my next steps.

Have a good evening everyone x

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 07/01/2022 15:49

I've only read a couple of your posts @emmysworld but I'd be using the money for a divorce. This is not a healthy relationship at all.

PearlclutchersInc · 07/01/2022 15:50

I hope everyone else has already suggested that leaving - and not just to go on holiday - might be a good idea.

Cameleongirl · 07/01/2022 15:56

I haven't RTFT, but in your shoes, I'd ask him to sit down and have a discussion one evening after your son is in bed.

Ask him straight out why he's constantly undermining you (give examples) and seems to be trying to make you unhappy. Tell him straight that it's not on and he needs to change his behaviour.

Then wait to see what he does. If he doesn't change, you have your answer and you can divorce proceedings. That's my advice after 20-plus years of marriage, be direct and tell him what you need from the relationship.

Embarrassingly, I'm the one who had to be sat down several years ago and my DH told me that my behaviour wasn't acceptable. Blush

I was moaning and complaining about everything, undermining him, etc. He told me he wouldn't tolerate it any longer and it shocked me into realizing that I needed to change my attitude if I wanted to keep him.

Good luck, OP Flowers

KurtWilde · 07/01/2022 16:09

@Gardeniafleur

Do people really not know it is possible to be a high earner (compared to national rates) in london and live car-less in a 2bed flat?

Some flats are about five million quid!

Some people really like living in zone 1 and never needing a car!

OP, you can keep on doing what you did and you’ll get what you got. Get out now and build as positive a coparenting relationship with him as possible.

Use your inheritance to buy your own two bed flat in london. Boom, everything is better for everyone.

Flowers I’m sorry for the loss of your father btw.

Well no, we don't know, because surprisingly we don't all live in London or have 6 figure incomes. Some posters don't even live in the U.K. shockingly!
GabriellaMontez · 07/01/2022 16:11

Dear OP. You keep talking about trying to avoid a broken home. Yours sounds like one of the most terribly broken homes I've come across.

Miserable, secretive, unpleasant, uncommunicative, threatened by the power shift. Where's the love and laughter? How much longer are you going to endure this? A lifetime? You're so lucky not to be trapped financially. Leave him!

Snugglepumpkin · 07/01/2022 16:17

Stop offering to spend your money on him.

Sounds like you will be needing it at some point to get away from this horrible man so you need to save it.

noirchatsdeux · 07/01/2022 16:20

You may not want to be a 'broken' home but you are already living in one...and making your son live in one too.

Please don't underestimate the damage being caused to your son of living with someone as negative as your husband is to you. You are probably fooling yourself that your son doesn't notice - please believe me when I tell you that he does. I knew before I was 8 that my parents didn't like, let alone love, each other. Our 'family' life was a farce until my father finally left for another woman when I'd just turned 21.

The effects of that knowledge last a lifetime. Use your inheritance to set yourself and your son up with a new home, and get a divorce.

Annonymiss123 · 07/01/2022 16:25

@TheHatInTheCat

Have the holiday, buy the car, then divorce him.
I'd do as above, but change the order, with divorce coming first!
Migrainesbythedozen · 07/01/2022 16:27

You should have made it a condition of your marriage that you share the finances with each other. Insisted on it. As it seems, he hates you. He doesn't want to sleep with you, he doesn't want to go anywhere with you. He puts you down. Basically OP he thinks you are trash. He sees you as a flatmate who looks after his child.

He has so much contempt for you, it's palpable.

Why stay with a man that absolutely HATES you, as he clearly does. Use the inheritance to get out. There is no shame in having a 'broken marriage'. Lets be honest you never even had much of a marriage to begin with. You are a mere flatmate and breeder of his son for him. Other than that, he hates your guts. The shame is staying in a phony 'marriage' with a man that would rather you were dead, than gather your pride and build a wonderful happy and misery-free life for your son. Every day you stay, you are modelling to your son how a 'marriage' is, and how a woman should be 'treated'. Is this what you want? You have a huge head start on 99% of most women on here. You have the financial means to leave tomorrow morning if you wanted.

Leave him. You have no relationship to salvage. Model a strong woman to your son, go and be happy and perhaps find a man that will love you and be proud of your achievements and appreciate what you do for him. This is no way to live. Not for a woman in 2022.

prettyteapotsplease · 07/01/2022 16:31

It sounds like you're already a broken family - you just have the misfortune to still live under the same roof. Could life really be much worse if you were to part? It doesn't seem like you make each other happy and walking on eggshells really shouldn't be a part of everyday life.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 16:32

* I have offered to pay hundreds of thousands towards it, buy the furniture and also pay for our toddlers nursery fees*

You offered.
Did he accept?

Closetbeanmuncher · 07/01/2022 16:58

Have you never thought of the reasons he hides the finances from you? Your inheritance has popped his little bubble of superiority and he's pissed.

Honestly though OP the marriage sounds miserable. I used to be with one of these joy sucking rainclouds of misery. Nothing you do will ever be good enough/right, trust me.

MrsDrDear · 07/01/2022 17:04

He said to me the other day he doesn't give a F about my dad as look how I turned out.

When my dad first died he also said to me "oh well now you have one less person to call

I wouldn't divorce him.

I'd kill the bastard.

EatDrinkEatDrink · 07/01/2022 17:04

You say "I" came into s bit of money, not "we" surely if you are married it's not you "treating" them? I don't understand how people on here are married yet you still have mine and yours. If either of me or my husband came into money I'd say "we". Must just be a different way of thinking about it. If we go on holiday we decide together and the same with a car, chose together even if it's mainly one of us driving it. You clearly don't follow this approach. I'd find it weird if my husband made a song and dance about treating me to a holiday and car that he'd chosen (that I didn't actually want) and then want me to be congratulatory towards him, we just don't live like this.

Migrainesbythedozen · 07/01/2022 17:09

@EatDrinkEatDrink

You say "I" came into s bit of money, not "we" surely if you are married it's not you "treating" them? I don't understand how people on here are married yet you still have mine and yours. If either of me or my husband came into money I'd say "we". Must just be a different way of thinking about it. If we go on holiday we decide together and the same with a car, chose together even if it's mainly one of us driving it. You clearly don't follow this approach. I'd find it weird if my husband made a song and dance about treating me to a holiday and car that he'd chosen (that I didn't actually want) and then want me to be congratulatory towards him, we just don't live like this.
@EatDrinkEatDrink Did you not read where her husband makes them keep all their finances separate and doesn't even know what he earns or anything about his money or bank accounts? She said 'I' because her husband has made sure that she sees only her money as hers, and his is his.
Somethingsnappy · 07/01/2022 17:11

Good luck op. You can choose to be happy. And you can choose to surround yourself with only people who make you happy. Why choose to be miserable just because it's become a habit? You have the means to lose your husband and be happy. Do it. Often, taking the most difficult step creates the best results. Deep breath! x

EatDrinkEatDrink · 07/01/2022 17:13

Just read your posts, keep the money and get a divorce!! He sounds like an arse, this isn't a marriage. Buy yourself a lovely home away from this man.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/01/2022 17:18

@EatDrinkEatDrink

You say "I" came into s bit of money, not "we" surely if you are married it's not you "treating" them? I don't understand how people on here are married yet you still have mine and yours. If either of me or my husband came into money I'd say "we". Must just be a different way of thinking about it. If we go on holiday we decide together and the same with a car, chose together even if it's mainly one of us driving it. You clearly don't follow this approach. I'd find it weird if my husband made a song and dance about treating me to a holiday and car that he'd chosen (that I didn't actually want) and then want me to be congratulatory towards him, we just don't live like this.
Yeah, it doesn't work that way in abusive/toxic relationships, which this is. But good to know you're doing great, I'm sure the OP feels better now Star
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 07/01/2022 17:19

@EatDrinkEatDrink

Just read your posts, keep the money and get a divorce!! He sounds like an arse, this isn't a marriage. Buy yourself a lovely home away from this man.
Ah, didn't see the follow up post!
Unsure33 · 07/01/2022 17:19

Why should he keep all his money but you offer to share yours . If you are married that’s not right at all . What is he hiding from you ?

If you were to get divorced he will try and hide everything I bet .

Notahandmaid · 07/01/2022 17:20

Hi OP
I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. And I'm appalled at what he said to you after you'd lost your dad. At a time in your life when you needed him to be supportive, he was unkind and unpleasant to you.

I'm also appalled at some of the less than sympathetic answers on here (e.g. one saying you're not compatible with your DH - that's a 'it takes two to tango' argument when it's hard to be compatible with someone who is emotionally abusive!).

If my DP came into some money that was left specifically to him, I would not presume that he would spend it on things for us. I would hope he would but would not automatically assume that I would be entitled to decide how it was spend. Similarly, if I was left some money - and the person who left it to me specified that it was going to me and not to both of us - I would discuss how to spend it with DP but wouldn't expect him to presume that it would be shared either. I don't think that's strange at all.

I agree with others who have suggested sitting down to talk to him but then it does sound as if he has issues and you would be better off out of it (sorry).

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 17:23

* Did you not read where her husband makes them keep all their finances separate *

Which rather works in the OP’s favour now that she’s come in to a very large inheritance!

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 07/01/2022 17:25

He sounds like a dick. Take your toddler to the Maldives, buy the car for yourself. Then divorce him - but not before doing some good detective work on his finances. See how he enjoys being alone.