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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 07/01/2022 13:51

You can't do this. And imagine what the responses would be if it were a man suggesting that he do this!

Exactly. I'm surprised at the terrible advice being given in this matter.

Immunetypegoblin · 07/01/2022 13:52

Your husband is awful. Divorce him and have a much happier life.

Potpourri23 · 07/01/2022 13:54

Keep the money for you and your son and just think how much nicer your day-to-day life will be without yout husband in it!

GullyGawk · 07/01/2022 13:54

You don’t sound compatible at all.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:54

@Holothane

New law comes in, in April take advantage and leave.
What's the new law please? I'm not aware of it
OP posts:
Floundery · 07/01/2022 13:57

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 13:58

@Floundery

New law is no-fault divorce. So you can just get rid without having to tell the court why his behaviour is unreasonable - which abusive men often see as a challenge to explain why it's all the other person's fault.
Oh okay, well that's good. So if I were to divorce should I seek advice now from a solicitor or wait until April?

I have contacted someone for therapy, so that's a good start I guess.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 07/01/2022 14:00

I would talk to a solicitor now about ring fencing your inheritance.

paintfairy · 07/01/2022 14:01

It sounds like there's much more to this than just those 2 things. However, he's right about the Maldives with a toddler. You do know there's absolutely nothing to do there? Even some adults struggle.
The flight - I've never been there (would have bored me to death) but we did go to Mauritius (you might find that much more appropriate for your needs) and the flight was horrific. It made me never want to go again and I'm an adult. Going at least we had excitement, coming back was awful. And in fact going was awful because (what I deemed to be) selfish people had their toddlers on the flight who were screaming pretty much the whole time making it completely unbearable. It was a night flight and you certainly couldn't sleep. I sat thinking who on earth would put themselves (and others) through that? 🤣 So it's worth bearing in mind.

I do think he needs to be involved choosing a family holiday and car but I don't really think its that simple having read the other comments. In which case get rid of him and go on your own.

Nsky · 07/01/2022 14:02

Please listen, I had an emotionally abusive husband, I left him and my sons (8 and 11) at the time.
Not easy, I tried for 10 yrs to make stuff work, I had hardly any money to my name and no job, I had 3 fab brothers, things panned out.
21 years on, never met anyone to be with who was right sadly, I missed out on his pension.
Now I live with my cat, recently early retirement, great friends and life is good.
You are so much ahead of me, and most others, who don’t have money to make life easier, believ the reality and start planning life without him

Crunchymum · 07/01/2022 14:02

This reply has been deleted

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Crunchymum · 07/01/2022 14:02
  • on
Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 14:03

@Crunchymum

So you are both top earners and you don't have a car and he sleeps in the sofa?

Aye alright pet.

What has the fact we are top earners got to do with the fact he chooses to sleep on the sofa please?!
OP posts:
Crunchymum · 07/01/2022 14:13

I wonder why as "top earners in the UK" you choose to live in a 2 bedroom flat?

It makes zero sense and is probably compounding all your issues.

Bumpsadaisie · 07/01/2022 14:13

@emmysworld

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

FWIW

It does sound to me like you're treating this as "your" money rather than the family money. I wonder if he finds that difficult?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 14:15

@Crunchymum

I wonder why as "top earners in the UK" you choose to live in a 2 bedroom flat?

It makes zero sense and is probably compounding all your issues.

We had it before we had our son and are unable to move at the moment due to the cladding issue.
OP posts:
Floundery · 07/01/2022 14:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Heronwatcher · 07/01/2022 14:20

Good god, this read like red flag bingo. Save the money for the time being and get your own place with your son. He sounds like a miserable, joyless arse and you’d be better off without him. Please don’t think that by appeasing him and getting him involved in the decisions it will work, you’ll just have spent a fortune to have to look at his miserable face in a different place/ nice car. Agree that some time away in the uk with your mum and child would be a great idea though- can you discuss this with her?

FabulousMrFifty · 07/01/2022 14:24

@deydododatdodontdeydo

I don't think inheritance is a marital asset. Maybe I'm wrong.

On other threads on this site (where the man has inherited money) people usually say it's family money not his.

OP: If you can't be happy when you are mega rich, when can you be? Take the steps to make you and your son happy.

If it ends up in court, might be classed as family money, the OP needs good legal advice, as others say, might be seen as a asset to the OP might not have a pension claim etc
paintfairy · 07/01/2022 14:28

@Floundery 🤣 I did want to go, as it looks stunning. But I spoke to people who had been and I am one of those people not happy just sat still (neither am I into watersports) and decided I'd probably hate it. Maybe ok for a few days but not like 2 weeks. I appreciate everyone is different though, but children- no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/01/2022 14:28

With the sort of money you’re earning (or is it just your h?), could you have moved out and rented out the flat? Anyway that’s academic now. You need to divorce this wanker so don’t go spending your inheritance now. Go away in the U.K. with your mum and ds for a break from him and at the same time, you can use this as cover to get legal advice if necessary.

KurtWilde · 07/01/2022 14:32

If you're top earners why don't you already own a car? Serious question. I don't know anyone who earns that much, maybe rentals are the way to go when you're rich?

That aside, he sounds like a miserable git and now you've got money yourself you could easily end the marriage and move out. Is that something you've considered? Because the holiday and car things are silly imo, seems to me you've got way bigger problems than him not liking the Maldives and a 4x4!

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 14:34

@KurtWilde

If you're top earners why don't you already own a car? Serious question. I don't know anyone who earns that much, maybe rentals are the way to go when you're rich?

That aside, he sounds like a miserable git and now you've got money yourself you could easily end the marriage and move out. Is that something you've considered? Because the holiday and car things are silly imo, seems to me you've got way bigger problems than him not liking the Maldives and a 4x4!

We had an Aston Martin prior to our toddler and sold it and just haven't bought a car since. My H got hit by the pandemic so up until now it hasn't made sense to buy a car.
OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/01/2022 14:35

@emmysworld

I've asked him which car he'd like and where he'd like to go on holiday etc, I haven't left him out of any decisions. He hides all his finances from me. I don't know anything about his finances as we don't share bank accounts etc. all I know is he earns an extremely large amount of money and doesn't like the fact I now also have money.

Everything I've done in the past finance wise (with my own personal money) he's always had a problem with. Like me having my hair done or buying myself an exercise bike to lose weight post pregnancy

Buy the car. Book the holiday for you and your DC

Divorce him.

Then his money will have to be disclosed.

Journeynotdestination · 07/01/2022 14:36

Why are you buying a car if he earns £200k? If he has a lease car just get yourself what you want. Lots of business people lease cars. Buying new isn’t financially the best move anyway. But you both seem to have tons of money so if I were you I’d spend my inheritance on a property so I can leave him if things get worse.