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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to be upset about my husbands attitude?

261 replies

emmysworld · 07/01/2022 12:10

Morning everyone.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable please.

I recently came into a very large amount of money, and I wanted to use a little bit of it to treat my husband and toddler to a family holiday soon.

I have discussed it with my husband many times and have said I'd really love to go to the Maldives (or somewhere similar) I went many times as a child and I think my toddler would absolutely love the open space, water and exploring.

I asked my husband this morning "if it's okay I think I'm going to go ahead and book the Maldives" already feeling like I'm treading on egg shells as I always do...and he turned around to me and said he has a problem with it and it's not okay but it's my money. He said the flight will be a nightmare with a toddler (I've flown alone with our toddler many times) and I think he's just being really ungrateful and spiteful because I'm paying for something for us.

I feel like I shouldn't even have to ask for permission to book a holiday (providing all is okay with his work etc)

I've also offered to buy our family car as we don't have one at the moment, as it's my money I'd like to buy a 4x4 but again he's being nasty About it and saying he would feel embarrassed driving it and it's a sh*t car...rather than being grateful for the fact we will have a car to get us from A-B without the need to hire one anymore.

I just feel like I can't win. Im trying to do nice things for us and I feel like his attitude is a slap in the face.. I may as well put the money towards a divorce at this rate. He's made me cry so many times.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 14:39

It’s just so obvious to me

He’s a business man
He doesn’t want you investing in something that is essentially going to go under imminently

He will be planning OP.
I suggest you start doing the same

I suspect he wants you keep the money available so that you can draw on it for legal representation during a divorce. Ie reduce need for liquidation of joint assets etc

WorraLiberty · 07/01/2022 14:40

What's the parking like in Knightsbridge OP? Is that likely to cause more expense?

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 14:41

@WorraLiberty

What's the parking like in Knightsbridge OP? Is that likely to cause more expense?
No, it's fine we have a space with our flat
OP posts:
Gardeniafleur · 07/01/2022 14:43

Do people really not know it is possible to be a high earner (compared to national rates) in london and live car-less in a 2bed flat?

Some flats are about five million quid!

Some people really like living in zone 1 and never needing a car!

OP, you can keep on doing what you did and you’ll get what you got. Get out now and build as positive a coparenting relationship with him as possible.

Use your inheritance to buy your own two bed flat in london. Boom, everything is better for everyone.

Flowers I’m sorry for the loss of your father btw.

Original poster
emmysworld · 07/01/2022 14:44

@Gardeniafleur

Do people really not know it is possible to be a high earner (compared to national rates) in london and live car-less in a 2bed flat?

Some flats are about five million quid!

Some people really like living in zone 1 and never needing a car!

OP, you can keep on doing what you did and you’ll get what you got. Get out now and build as positive a coparenting relationship with him as possible.

Use your inheritance to buy your own two bed flat in london. Boom, everything is better for everyone.

Flowers I’m sorry for the loss of your father btw.

Thankyou. People seem to be baffled by this!
OP posts:
Tricked2003 · 07/01/2022 14:47

Keep the money, ditch your husband!!!

Your relationship sounds unhealthy, I spent many years "walking on eggshells" it's not a nice way to live. Best thing I did was to end that marriage.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2022 14:48

Save the inheritance and use part of it to pay for a good counselor to help you realize that there is no 'failure' in leaving a toxic marriage, only in staying in one. And then use another part for the best divorce solicitor you can get.

You and your child deserve to live in a mentally healthy and emotionally positive home. You don't have that with him and both you AND your child will suffer for it.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 14:48

You’ll be paying so much for a car like that with the central London green charge… every journey you’ll pay won’t you?

ninnynonny · 07/01/2022 14:52

You don't seem to understand how lucky you are having enough money to actually leave. Why are you with him? Why are you torturing yourself and your son, despite his 'good father' credentials, when you don't have to. My goodness, think of all the women living in poverty with a vile partner who don't have a choice - you do. Just use your 'considerable inheritance' and make a better life.

Throughabushbackwards · 07/01/2022 14:53

I'd be taking the toddler to the Maldives on my own if I were you. Book somewhere with a kids club or babysitting so you can enjoy yourself. Or, ask a friend or your mum to go with you and make it a different kind of trip. He can sit at home in Knightsbridge and be a dick about it.

MissConductUS · 07/01/2022 14:53

Maybe I'm just being naïve and trying to kid myself into thinking this awful marriage will ever work. We've gone down the route of divorce before and I said I'd come back if we had counselling and things changed, and of course they haven't.

Your inheritance will be best used by writing a large check to the best divorce attorney in your area. The fact that you know nothing of his finances and that he gets arsey with you anytime you spend money on yourself is clear financial abuse.

He can continue to be a good father with shared custody. He is not now and never will be a good husband.

mumshouse · 07/01/2022 15:10

You'll probably find that during a divorce he'll overcome his pride and try to get his hands on as much of it as possible.

Stop offering to get anything he'll benefit from. Just treat you and your child. (And maybe look into protecting some/all of it.)

CailleachGranda · 07/01/2022 15:11

@Thatsplentyjack

What on earth is stopping you divorcing him? You have your own money, and he's an abusive alcoholic Confused.
Quite.
Subbaxeo · 07/01/2022 15:14

Seems a bit odd he earns 200k a year and you don’t own a car? Maybe he doesn’t want one. In that case, I’d just buy myself the one I like. If you don’t like your husband very much, then reassess if you want to be in this relationship. That’s not what marriage should be like.

escortsinlahore12 · 07/01/2022 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Atla · 07/01/2022 15:19

Take the child to the Maldives and when you get back buy your own flat and divorce him. Job done.

jeaux90 · 07/01/2022 15:20

It's all very coercive.

Your home is already broken, by him.

I'm a single mum and I can tell you my DD is absolutely fine. There is not a day in the last 10 years I regret leaving.

Journey2022 · 07/01/2022 15:23

@emmysworld

As a lot of others are saying this doesn't sound healthy, you do not sound happy BUT as I say to any of my friends in unhealthy relationships as an outsider it's easy for us to say leave/divorce him but only you know if and when that is right for you. It may take you another 10 years of unhappiness to realise it but mentally regardless of what others say you will do what you want to do and what's right for you at that moment in time.

Have you tried to talk about how you feel his unwillingness to go for walks cinema or holidays and find a compromise in order to spend time and create memories as a family? - and as a couple as you need time just you two also this may help you communicate?

It sounds like he has a control complex over money and this inheritance overshadows his control.

I personally got a large inheritance last year and myself and my husband discussed what I wanted to do with it (we also see our money very separately!) and what his thoughts were so he was part of the process of what it was/is being spent on he was happy with decisions that I ultimately made, and was very supportive. It sounds to me that your lacking support from your husband altogether not just with your inheritance though.

AlDanvers · 07/01/2022 15:26

So you aren't due to move?

With your earnings and you Inheritence you could leave and get yourself somewhere. Or even ask him to leave.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/01/2022 15:27

@emmysworld

Maybe I'm just being naïve and trying to kid myself into thinking this awful marriage will ever work. We've gone down the route of divorce before and I said I'd come back if we had counselling and things changed, and of course they haven't.

He sleeps on the sofa, drinks a huge amount of alcohol and is just generally so miserable. Every thing I suggest or say to him has a negative response which is where the walking on eggshells comes in..."would you like to come for a family walk?" And his response is "I don't like walking"

Would you like to go to the cinema "I don't like the cinema"

These are his general responses to everything

jesus

Do not spend your money on maldives and a 4 x 4 spend it on a lawyer.

Also there is no way I would commit to move to a new house

I'd selkl the current one and file for divorce....

This is honestly no way to live.

chris8888 · 07/01/2022 15:28

I be using that money to escape walking on eggshells for the rest of my life and putting some away for my child.

Sprucewillis · 07/01/2022 15:31

Never mind what he wants - what do you want OP. You have options.

I am guessing your DC is witness to some of his abuse and negging. Do not underestimate the effect this is having on him either in terms of feeling insecure, feeling women should be disrespected or thinking that it is right for his DF to hold a position of superior power in the family.

thetinsoldier · 07/01/2022 15:33

No matter if you have all the money in the world, you still only get one life.

And you're wasting yours with this joy-sucker.

Just use your money to leave and divorce him.

You say he's a good dad? He's npt. No good dad is abusive to the mother of his dc.

Get rid.

FoxgloveSummers · 07/01/2022 15:34

you obviously love him, and tolerate his awfulness. "When my dad first died he also said to me "oh well now you have one less person to call" - otherwise how could you even look at someone who said that to you, I couldn't.

But he hates you, he hates himself and he hates life. That's not going to change.

Maybe try imagining a future where you live separately but on the same street, or a short walk away. You have a lovely fun flat where joy is allowed, where sofas are for watching films on with your son or sitting on with friends, not for an angry drunk man to sleep on.

At the end of the day the huge amounts of money involved here don't matter. The only bit that matters is that you can afford to get your own place and live a happy life. Do you really want your son growing up in a miserable environment? Because a drunk angry dad who sleeps on the sofa and slags off your mum and never allows any fun is utterly shite whether that dad is a millionaire or on benefits.

jeaux90 · 07/01/2022 15:36

I honestly never understand this broken home thing.

You have one life and it shouldn't be sacrificed on the alter of a bad marriage.

Your child will be fine as long as you and her father work out how to co-parent effectively