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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

338 replies

EllsandMum · 06/01/2022 23:56

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

OP posts:
rubyglitter · 07/01/2022 06:29

I meant eldest ds. Not sure why that autocorrected to daughter.

kateluvscats · 07/01/2022 06:32

I hope you and the kids can escape and you take your eldest with you. Good luck.

moremoony · 07/01/2022 06:33

What is your financial situation? Does your husband work? Have you put in the CMS calculator to see how much you would get? Benefits and universal credit. Work out how much you would get

Zonder · 07/01/2022 06:34

He needs to be the one to go. He is your husband and your kids dad so he will need to pay the housing. What an awful, awful man.

pantaloonie · 07/01/2022 06:37

@WTF475878237NC

Your husband sounds vile. He can't be bothered to parent his younger children once a week for two hours so his wife can visit an unhappy teen who also obviously needs his mum. I think this is the tip of the iceberg and he's been a rotten husband and father in many more ways. Don't leave the house unless you feel you must. Do you have any real life support? Can you contact women's aid for advice?

This 👆

Itsnotdeep · 07/01/2022 06:45

omg, your poor poor son. This is heartbreaking - he's 13.

I know you are a victim too, but please get out. If you are in the UK please phone Women's Aid today!

workingtheusername · 07/01/2022 06:50

If you are in uk go to woman's aid or a housing charity. You are being abused and it affects you and your children especially your son.

Coffeesnob11 · 07/01/2022 06:50

I am so sorry you are in this situation, some of the points about the hair washing and Facebook are horribly familiar. You will get through this and you don't have to put up with this.
Just to point out that if you have to leave due to domestic violence which includes being emotionally and financially abused you can apply to any housing authority for homelessness support. You also need to tell them you are fleeing dv and they should be prioritising you. They won't be doing that whilst you are still living there.
I would make a pack of important documents and give them to your mum or photograph them and email them to yourself in case your phone gets wiped. The same with any evidence.
Please contact a dv charity. Either the national one or Google a local one and wipe your search history.
Please keep talking here you aren't alone.

Lougle · 07/01/2022 06:54

Can you contact a local church? I know that if my church knew of your situation, they'd find a way of helping.

You need to be away from this man. It's as simple as that. Everything else is just details.

reallyworriedjobhunter · 07/01/2022 06:54

Sending you a huge hug.

I agree with all the advice here - particularly about Women's Aid and the police. He is abusing you.

But he is also abusing your son. He is actively trying to cut him off from his single source of love and support - you. I would be utterly raging about this and would also be speaking to the police and SS about child abuse.

Sorry you are dealing with this. Be strong.

Cakeandcardio · 07/01/2022 06:55

What a pathetic weasel of a man withholding chewing gum. That's absolutely disgusting and I'm sorry you are in this position. He's the lowest. Your son needs you so much. Even if he has made poor choices, he's so young. It might seem like you have no options but you really do. Women's aid would be my best advice. Good luck to you. Don't ever beat yourself up for trying to do your best for your children.

JackTheHack · 07/01/2022 06:59

It's not you. It's him.
LTB or tell him to go

Brigante9 · 07/01/2022 07:03

Please call Women’s Aid. Your husband is an abusive controlling prick who has destroyed your relationship with your son and your only friend.

FrecklesMalone · 07/01/2022 07:07

I imagine it will be hard to get him to go as he is so abusive. Go to your local council and present as homeless. State clearly that you are in an abusive relationship and scared for your safety. They have a legal duty to find you somewhere to stay. It is likely to be a hostel or hotel which isn't ideal but gives you breathing space. Do not tell him you are doing this. Make sure you have all you paperwork and essentials for the children. Keep any texts or answerphone messages he has sent you. It won't be ideal but it will be a hell of a lot better than being with this abusive cunt. You will be doing the best thing for your children. He will say he wants custody but you know he is lying. Good luck OP you are very young and have years to build up a decent life for your family. This will be the first step to a wonderful new life.

Nowayoutonlydown · 07/01/2022 07:08

Go to the CAB and see if you can get an appointment at thd job centre to get a claim for benefits in, they can help you leave an abusive situation. This is exactly that.

Also contact housing benefit- there's a discretionary support fund, ask if they may be able to help you because you need to leave an abuser, and you think the only option open to you is unaffordable with the support you can receive to house you and your kids. They may make up the difference for 6 months or so

sunlight81 · 07/01/2022 07:09

You are being abused, your children are being abused - please seek help from womens aid ... stop the cycle and show ur kids that this sort of behaviour is wrong

pollyparrot45 · 07/01/2022 07:18

Call the police & spend your 24 hours of freedom getting to a refuge.

Proactively speak to social services and get their support. You've already lost one child don't lose them all.

He's abusing you all & it's not ok. The police will support you.

ThirdElephant · 07/01/2022 07:18

Very best of luck with getting out of there, OP. I'm glad to see you've had some solid advice upthread.

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2022 07:20

It’s not your fault op
Please find a way out if you can as soon as you can
Womens aid will be able to advise you

RedHelenB · 07/01/2022 07:21

If your son is in care that means social services were involved. What was said to them about your home life, have you talked to them about your husband not wanting you to see your son?

Open up fully to your mother and move in with her and the little ones. There will be a way to sort our housing, your h will.pay maintenance so save up for a deposit plus any thing that's his you've a share of as you're married.

If you don't your little ones could end up where your eldest is now , I've a feeling your husband will have a lot less patience with them as they get older with minds of their own.

thetinsoldier · 07/01/2022 07:27

Bloody hell. He's an abusive controlling cunt. Ignore your mum's advice. Your h sounds like a shit in every possible way.

Your poor kids.

Can you beg, borrow or scrape together money to leave? Whose house is it?

Sending hugs.

Volterra · 07/01/2022 07:27

What’s your relationship like with your DS’s social worker and do they have input with your other children?

mummymayhem18 · 07/01/2022 07:34

Sorry don't have much advice. It sounds truly horrible for you. You'd be better off without him though. Just concentrate on you and your children.

rainbowstardrops · 07/01/2022 07:35

He is abusing you AND your children! He sounds utterly vile and I'd hazard a guess that he is a large part of your son's problems.
You must get yourself and your children out of this situation and work to get your son back.

FabriqueBelgique · 07/01/2022 07:37

OP I just want to hug you! I’m so so sorry you’re struggling to leave, you’re clearly trying so hard with so much resistance. I hope this thread gives you strength in knowing you’re 100% doing the right thing. Please look up how to deal with Narcissistic personalities - you need tools to deal with the day-to-day of all this.

Keep making phone calls.

It sounds like your brother might be able to be an ally?

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