To be in such trouble for seeing my son tonight.

[EllsandMum]

My son has had quite difficult behavioural issues as a teen, due to a result of this he’s ended up in voluntary care.

I see him once a week of an evening to go for a meal or coffee as my husband won’t let him in the house.

Now every time it’s contact day my husband will pick all day and then just before it’s time to leave blow up an argument saying that I’m selfish asking him to look after the little ones because it’s not fair for him to cook tea for them whilst I’m on a jolly.

I said it’s 5-7 due to by the time he finishes school it’s easier that way and only once a week, I do tea bath etc every other night of the week.

My husband is saying that I’m abandoning our little ones for my son and it’s just breaking my heart as he’s saying it’s not doable and isn’t happening anymore.

I offered to do a different day but he said no because any day doesn’t work for him.

Now he’s asking me to move out.
I feel so alone and low.

Your mother is NOT a good Catholic if she doesn't see the extent of abuse towards you and your oldest child.
She CANNOT know the extent of the abuse so I would tell her in detail or show her this thread.
Good Catholic wives are not expected to suffer at the hands of abusive husbands.

Maybe try an HTB-type church and ask if they can help. They might know other organisations that will house you.

Your mother is an absolute FOOL if she thinks you should "just cuddle your DH" to get past this.

She's ok with her oldest grandson being totally ostracised from the family, is she? I mean, no one can see that it's likely his behavioural issues stem from the way he's been treated by his stepfather? If she thinks ANY of that is acceptable then she's almost as bad as your H is, quite honestly, because she's an abuse enabler.

Disgusting attitude from her, and your H is a bastard.

Oh you poor thing and your poor son. I am so sorry that you receive no support from your husband. I'm sorry but it sounds like an awful marriage. He is so self centred and selfish. Please op, be strong for your boy and call his bluff and leave. How will he manage without you when he can't seem to manage 2 hours a week without you. Men show more respect for women who know their minds. Tell him that your son will always be coming first in your life like your other children and if he doesn't like it, then tough. You really really need to be strong here op for him to change.

Oh God I have read in further in the thread. Please get yourself and all your kids out of this so called home you share. Leave this horrible bully, he sounds vile

Please sweetheart, get yourself and your kids away from your husband. He's an abuser and a danger to you all. I wouldn't be surprised if your son's behaviour was a cry for help. Get away from that piece of dirt, get yourself sorted out and get your son back. It's not easy and will be a hard road ahead but it will be worth it. Just remember, you and the kids are not at fault here. This horrid man is. Xx

Agree your husband is abusive- please contact womens aid & organise to leave.. your husband is beyond a twat- his behaviour is abuse and unacceptable. You really need to cut him out of yours and your childrens’ life. Please seek help, for the sake of all your children- he is toxic to your younger two and already sounds like he has really damaged your elder son who is still very very young at only 13… I really hope you contact womens aid and gingerbread and leave xxx

Bless you, @EllsandMum.

So: I have first hand experience of the same thing. All of it.

And these are the facts you need to take on board right now:

1. Your husband is 110% abusive and everything he is doing is not just terrible for you and your kids, but also criminal. He is not allowed to do this to you.

1. You do not have to suffer this.

1. You must speak up so that you and your kids can get helped away from him.

1. Nothing you have ever done or not done is any justification for his treatment of you.

1. I'm so sorry about your 13 year old son. This is awful to face, but what's happened to his life is a DIRECT result of your husband's abusiveness.

1. Your son is important. You are important. Your other children are important. Your husband is not.

People talk a lot about counselling snd support, but the bottom line here is MONEY. You need money to be independent. Is there anybody in your family or friends who could help you?

You need to move out. You need someone to talk to about this, to help you. Do ring Refuge or Women's aid or even the council.

There must be some help and somewhere to go.

But your first step is seeing this all for what it is.

Has he ever really threatened you, and/or been physically aggressive or controlling?

I'm so sorry. It's amazing you've spoken up here. You will get a lot of support from here. Xx

Also wash your hair. It is your hair. His insane jealousy is a standard feature of a total loser.

Bear in mind that it's your eldest son now but he will be like this with the younger ones as soon as they are old enough to challenge him.

I saw in Boots the Chemist, yesterday, that they are offering a Safe Space for women to report domestic abuse. Please seek help, OP. Take your children with you. Or like a previous poster said, go to the Police. Xxx

This is heartbreaking and no way to live for you or your children. You say the marriage is on the brink of breakdown but I imagine this is exactly how he wants the marriage to be, nothing will change, it will only get worse. Please be strong for you and your children and get out of this situation.

@EllsandMum I'm so sorry that you and your son have had such a rough time your husband is being unbelievably cruel and twisted. He is the one who needs to leave not you. You have put your son first whereas he is putting himself first

Speak to your ds's social worker.
All of your DC's are being exposed to domestic abuse. None of you are safe.
Flee to another area where there is a women's aid space. Speak to them today.
This is not your fault.
Your DH is a dangerous bully. Do the freedom program. Don't listen to anything he says.

Please speak to Women's Aid and your local council, they both have provisions in place to provide deposit and first months rent for people who are homeless or fleeing domestic violence. There will be other charities local to you that can support this too and also help with furnishings once you have your own property.

You have two different issues. Your DH being abusive. How best to support your DS.
Speak to your brother; Shelter and Women's Aid to find out about housing and how to leave your DH.
Then speak to social services about your DS. Your DH is abusive. That doesn't automatically mean that your DS should be at home. Your DS may need more support than you can give atm.

OP your son is in care because of your OH.
Get out of this relationship as fast as you can.

Your sons behaviour will be a direct consequence of the lack of love and care he has experienced at the hands of his absolute bastard of a step father.
He sounds like an absolute monster.

Can’t beat the excellent advice here. Just be aware this will be hard. Leaving is a hard time and as a person who sounds incredibly angry and willing to be abusive to you then I would expect him to really dig his heels in if he gets wind you’re leaving. Keep it quiet. Be prepared to totally ignore him. These are not arguments he’s overstepped that threshold by trying to alienate you from one of your children and alienate his kids from their brother and mother. I understand you’re exhausted - just let your good maternal instincts kick in here. He is damaging your kids. There’s not much time left to put it right. So ignore him. Ignore your mum. Even if you end up staying with her. Go to people who can help you. Police, local council, pharmacist and tell them you want to speak to ANI (code for domestic abuse need help) women’s aid, Refuge. Even if he’s never been physically violent he is coercively controlling you (not washing hair etc) and that is now illegal.

Oh god this is heartbreaking. I left my abusive partner 10 years ago and even though it was tough for a while there is not a minute where I regret it.

You are young. Your life is not to be sacrificed at the alter of an abusive marriage.

One more thing - don’t let him or anyone else minimise things. Total strangers on the Internet have heard you and we all call it what you know it is - abuse. It doesn’t matter what the ‘reason’ is - please don’t let him keep you. You and your children deserve so much more.

@WildImaginings

As most other posters have said, you are being abused. Your poor son has been pushed out of his home by this man. Call Women's Aid and get out of there. This is damaging you and it is damaging ALL of your children.

I feel desperately sorry for your 13 year old child; a stepfather who clearly hates him (and has likely been abusing him for years too), in care, visited for 2 hours per week by his mother and the whole time she's there she's getting messages telling her to give up on her own son.

My thoughts exactly. I read @EllsandMum updates but have I missed how old her H is? OP says she had her eldest daughter aged 16 and H came into her life when her ds was 2. He’s moulded OP into his ideal woman (slave). Ds is acting out because he has been made to feel unwanted whilst also watching his dm being abused.

Please contact Women’s Aid.

Hi OP, couldn't read and run. No new advice, just to say I'm glad you're standing up for your relationship with your eldest and your husband is an utter cunt.
I hope your mother sees reason and helps you. All the best.

Your husband is abusive and is the reason your son has issues. He’s utterly disgusting and you need to get away from him. Do you have family that you can stay with?