To think that time off with ill DC should still be split even though I WFH?

[HardbackWriter]

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and have just returned to work after my second maternity leave. DH and I both work four days a week - he's a teacher, I work in an office job but I've been working from home since March 2020 and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon (I have actually requested to have some time in the office but my employer is reluctant and my request has dragged on with no resolution). Pre-covid, when we both worked out of the home, we split days off when DC1 was ill pretty rigidly 50-50, with some flexibility if one or the other of us had something particularly big on when it was 'our turn'. This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later (I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one), whereas for him he has to have the day fully off. I was a bit taken aback/cross at this, but now I'm not sure if he's being the reasonable one? He's right that this is possible for me (though it ends up with me working until midnight, and potentially having to rearrange or drop out of meetings last minute) and not for him, but I also really don't think it'll make me look professional and engaged at work and it feels inherently a bit unjust (but is this petty of me?). It's inevitably going to be a pressing issue because both children have spent this entire winter being ill, and I'm sure there's loads more to come. AIBU? How do other people arrange this?

I’m a bit torn here.

I’m a teacher and it’s REALLY hard to be off. Huge impacts on lots of people.

Though it seems like you would also be disadvantaged, and would bear the brunt of this.

I think you need to talk about this honestly and openly. Could he eg take on the brunt of childcare over the weekend if you had to work evenings or something?

Ive voted YABU as your work is inevitably more flexible. Obviously for something like a 10 day covid absence he shouldnt expect you to miss all your work, or work so long in evenings etc. But on a regular basis, I dont think he's being unreasonable for you to cover more than him averagely, for one off sickness events etc.

But he should be more supportive and take on more at home during that time to help you catch up eg come home and do dinner, bedtime and night feeds.

Its tough because children so young are off so regularly, I would still expect him to miss days at work this year.

YABU. Him taking time off work, impacts the other staff and his students.

Your job is more flexible.

I've voted YABU even though I WFH and feel your pain.

Presumably as he is a teacher he does 90% of the stuff with/for the kids in the school holidays (reducing the amount of leave you would need to take / childcare costs). So I'd bear the brunt of term time stuff, knowing that during school holidays he was sorting the kids/house etc Mon to Fri (or the 4 days you work).

YABU as above.

I think because you have the flexibility, you should take most of them at the moment (providing you have considerable freedom over hours) but he needs to enable you to do your hours by doing extra cooking, bedtimes, mornings etc, night wakes and if necessary taking them at weekends so you can get your head down.

The brunt of the illness should be felt equally on both of you, albiet it may be felt in different ways.

I agree with above.

This isn’t a work from home argument but a flexibility post.

Your job has flexibity. Teaching doesn’t.

Teaching is also in a mess now staffing wise as it is so as you have a viable alternative then that should be used whenever possible.

He should take on extra after work though to allow you to catch up

I'll go against the grain here in that your DH should still take his share of parenting sick kids. He doesn't get a pass simply because he's a teacher.

Maybe you can look more flexibly at how it works, can he teach in the morning for example and come home at lunchtime and you work the afternoon?

Realistically though your employer cannot be expected to put up with you dipping in and out to care for an ill 11 month old - who realistically cannot be left with the tv - just because your husband is a teacher. (And I say this as a parent of a teen who is getting fed up of the amount of absence in her teachers just lately!)

He needs to split the load. You need to fully attend work too... or does the little wimins job not matter!

As PigeonLittle said, your work is more flexible for a 1-2 day absence.

BUT, for either a prolonged absence or a number of absences in a relatively short space of time, I would be expecting DH to pull his weight on time off.

And even if only a 1-2 day absence, I would expect DH to rush home from work once active teaching is finished, to do marking and planning at home in the evenings (once DCs are in bed, say), as you are also working late, and to share the childcare and household duties more equitably.

I agree YABU although totally feel your pain. My DC's father (my ex) chooses to live the other side of the country and so literally everything falls to me- he does his Disney dad routine every other weekend with none of the actual parenting and I get no say in the matter.

That's not to say your job isn't as important- it's just if you are there anyway and when he works as a teacher, where it's not even possible for him to take leave in this situation and it impacts on his pupils as well. Sorry OP because I know it does suck.

I do think he should be offering plenty of support with all the other things at home though- dinner, bed and bath time, housework. He should obviously do this anyway but there needs to be some effort made so that you are both bearing all of the joint burdens as equally as possible.

Normally I would say it should be split equally but it’s difficult for teachers to take time off especially at the moment with covid short staff issues. If you’re in control of your own diary it does make sense for you to do most of the sickness cover regardless of wfh or in the office.

YABU - but he needs to make dinner and sort children's bedtimes if you have to work late .

@LittleOwl153

I'll go against the grain here in that your DH should still take his share of parenting sick kids. He doesn't get a pass simply because he's a teacher.

Maybe you can look more flexibly at how it works, can he teach in the morning for example and come home at lunchtime and you work the afternoon?

Realistically though your employer cannot be expected to put up with you dipping in and out to care for an ill 11 month old - who realistically cannot be left with the tv - just because your husband is a teacher. (And I say this as a parent of a teen who is getting fed up of the amount of absence in her teachers just lately!)

He needs to split the load. You need to fully attend work too... or does the little wimins job not matter!

I wfh FT and dh is a teacher. Thankfully our dc don't need to be off much, but term time I would consider working around them before telling dh he had to take a day off. If I had something urgent, I would insist. He would also offer.

Neither of us consider my job "wimmins work" or the lesser of the two (mine actually pays a fair bit more), but more of flexibility.

My being off work/flexing my work term time disrupts the fewest people - first and foremost the children in his school who have been massively affected by covid these last years.

I agree with him. I think you should cover term time sickness unless you have a "big thing" on.

But equally, he should cover all school holiday illness.

This is to do with flexibility of jobs, not wfh etc.

However, if your DC had a lot of sick days and it started to seriously impact your own work, I would reevaluate.

YABU as your job is flexible and it would be a nightmare for him as a teacher

However - he needs to agree to pick up the care the minute he gets in so that you can work, and to help with other household tasks

I think if it impacts your job and you would look bad then he has to do some of it too
But since he has to take days off and you don’t I can see where hes coming from

That said if you were going to do it his way I would expect him to do any work that can be done outside of hours after dc has gone to bed
I’d expect him to get up early so I could do a few hours before he started, and I’d expect that the second his teaching finishes that he takes over while I go back to work.
He would also need to make dinner and do any housework from the day - because you will have been caring for DC or trying to do bits of work and wouldn’t have had time.

So I think that would be reasonable.
If however he means that he gets up normal time, goes to work, gets a lunch break, stays late to catch up on work, then comes home and you have done all the house work and made dinner and then start working until late then no that isn’t reasonable - I fully imagine this is what he means though

Thanks all - a clear consensus is building, so I am willing to accept that IABU! I think what worries me a bit is that it feels like I'll be shortchanging/being a bit dishonest to my employer - because thinking about it I could theoretically have done this when I still worked in the office but I didn't because it would have been so visibly obvious when I didn't show up, even though I could make them time up. Caring for the DC on a day when I'm supposed to be working feels like something I could 'get away with' and that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

I also just generally feel that our previously very 50-50 marriage and parenting has been really affected by WFH and the arrival of DC2 (it's a bit hard to disentangle) - I feel like more and more of the domestic load has become mine and I don't want to let that go unchallenged. But I'm willing to accept that I haven't chosen the right place to push back on that here.

He's right, your job has flexibility in a way that his doesn't. Splitting childcare evenly makes zero sense. Maybe 95% you, 5% him over a longer period, but he should only cover you when your job prevents you.

Is it 50/50 in school holidays too? It really shouldn't be

The only thing I'll say as well @HardbackWriter is it does get easier as they're bigger. I WFH too and when mine have been off sick (they're 9 and 7) I can work quite easily whilst they're in front of the tv, happily enough, with checks from me every so often. I know those ages are a way off but it's been like this for a long time for me!

YANBU. I work from home in a similar sounding job to yours. If I was constantly having to rearrange rmeetings it would impact a lot of people. In fact, there was a woman on a project I'm working on who kept dropping out of meetings for childcare. She's been replaced on the project as we were losing too much time. That will have an impact on her career but we couldn't keep letting others down.

There seems to be a perception that working from home means not working.

@HardbackWriter can you just be open with your boss? And explain the hours you’re doing instead.

l may also be a good time to raise the issue with DH and say I am happy to do what you’ve suggested but it made me feel a bit funny at first because of i feel like I’m doing a lot more of the domestic load anyway. Do you think we could look at that, because I was wrong about it in this case, but actually it is an issue in other areas.

My DH is a teacher whereas my job is more like OP’s, so in term time I am usually the one dealing with any illness, training days etc. I can take annual leave or flexi, he can’t. Any leave of absence would be unpaid, if agreed at all. In school holidays any issues are wholly his responsibility to deal with. This was our arrangement pre-DC too, it was me who would have a late start if a plumber was coming, for example.

It’s not quite an even split but it’s a realistic one based on the complete lack of flexibility being a teacher gives.

What I would like to know is what single women teachers do.

No I know it’s irrelevant to THIS post. But for everyone saying OP should take the majority or the brunt of it because her DH is a teacher - what do single women (or men I guess) do when their child is ill and they themselves are a teacher???

I have several friends with teacher partners and the argument is always the same - I am a teacher therefore I trump your work needs because basically 99% of jobs are more flexible than a teacher in reality.

So i can’t help but think it essentially comes down to your DP would do it if he had no other choice / he were a lone parent. But seeing as he’s not, then you can pick up the slack.

There’s something inherently unfair about that isn’t there. Yes on the one hand it does make more sense for you wfh to be the default child care when needed - but on the other hand, he would have to do it if you weren’t around. So why can’t he facilitate some of the care now???

In your case I’d probably accept it meant I’d lose more core working hours but the agreement would be that he picks up more dinner, baths, bedtimes etc and does more of the mental load around housework, washing and chores. Of course during his holidays I would be expecting him to sort the kids on any days I was working.