To think that time off with ill DC should still be split even though I WFH?

[HardbackWriter]

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and have just returned to work after my second maternity leave. DH and I both work four days a week - he's a teacher, I work in an office job but I've been working from home since March 2020 and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon (I have actually requested to have some time in the office but my employer is reluctant and my request has dragged on with no resolution). Pre-covid, when we both worked out of the home, we split days off when DC1 was ill pretty rigidly 50-50, with some flexibility if one or the other of us had something particularly big on when it was 'our turn'. This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later (I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one), whereas for him he has to have the day fully off. I was a bit taken aback/cross at this, but now I'm not sure if he's being the reasonable one? He's right that this is possible for me (though it ends up with me working until midnight, and potentially having to rearrange or drop out of meetings last minute) and not for him, but I also really don't think it'll make me look professional and engaged at work and it feels inherently a bit unjust (but is this petty of me?). It's inevitably going to be a pressing issue because both children have spent this entire winter being ill, and I'm sure there's loads more to come. AIBU? How do other people arrange this?

Don’t jeopardise your career for your DH.

Well, as a teacher I get a day of paid leave for this sort of situation, whereas you don't have to take leave. The choice between paid and unpaid is surely a no-brainer.

teaching is very inflexible work outside of the c13 weeks of school holidays so YABU I suppose.

@puffyisgood

teaching is very inflexible work outside of the c13 weeks of school holidays so YABU I suppose.

So if both parents are teachers (which I'm sure isn't uncommon) and have an unwell child what happens then? Presumably they make use of their workplaces special leave policy.

@puffyisgood

teaching is very inflexible work outside of the c13 weeks of school holidays so YABU I suppose.

It's as inflexible as you want to make it. If your children are poorly , they are poorly.

Lots of people work with inflexible employers it doesn't mean it absolves them of their parenting responsibilities.

I feel like more and more of the domestic load has become mine and I don't want to let that go unchallenged

Perfect opportunity to have a chat with him about that, isn’t it? I don’t think he is being unreasonable if it is harder for him to take time off, but that needs to come with him upping his game elsewhere.

Just to put the cat amongst the pigeons here- the school me and DH both work in announced this week that all childcare absence would be unpaid from now on this academic year as they’ve spent their budget for cover for the year already. This may become the case everywhere and therefore may impact your thinking.

I voted Yabu for the practical side of things.
As he is saving his A/L days by you doing the childcare,he could take the load off during school holidays and allow you to work uninterrupted.
He should not,however,be pushing all the domestic jobs into you,he is bu to do this .You're pushed as it is working and doing childcare for two young children,to expect more is frankly very selfish and thoughtless and needs to stop.
Good luck.🌈

Yanbu.

It is really very difficult to get any work done with kids that age at home so realistically you’d be taking the day off ir achieving very little.

You may have more flexibility to get the work done in the evening etc but that means that you’ll be exhausted managing that on top of a day of looking after a poorly child.

I’d say that you need to aim for 50/50 with the knowledge that you may end up doing a bit more due to your flexibility. It shouldn’t be assumed that he’ll not do any of it.

@DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes

Just to put the cat amongst the pigeons here- the school me and DH both work in announced this week that all childcare absence would be unpaid from now on this academic year as they’ve spent their budget for cover for the year already. This may become the case everywhere and therefore may impact your thinking.

What country are you in? Surely this is a blatant breeched of employment contract.

I know a female teacher who picks up all the sick child term time care as her DP apparently doesn't get paid in his job if he takes time off for child care. It seems so often that it's the man's job that's positioned as the most important

That's not about whether he's a man or not though. If the sexes were reversed it would still be sensible for the one who still gets paid, to stay home. So as far as the family budget is concerned that job IS the more important.

And despite the many attempts in this thread to paint this as a sexist issue, many of us have said that in our experience it often IS the man who stays home if he has the more flexible job/has paid leave.

This is a tricky one. I can understand his point of view...I voted yabu

@Cyw2018 I’m in England and sadly it isn’t. The policy has this clause written into it; there is no legal requirement for time off for dependants to be paid and our boroughs policy was amended a couple of years ago to state it was paid for the first four instances in an academic year or for the first four instances IF there was still adequate cover budget. Obviously written like that because the borough is skint. And this isn’t even an academy, there are academies where you wouldn’t get those first four paid/if there’s a cover budget.

I think YABU sorry, as long as if in school holidays and you’re working he does it all. Both DH and I are doctors and it’s bloody impossible when the kids are off. If one of us worked from home I think we’d have to suck it up.

As long as its not 50/50 in school holidays I regrettably agree with pp yabu

I think it’s tricky, presumably your job is important and you have tasks that need to be done which would make caring for two infants difficult. If you care for them during the day you still have work in the evenings/weekends to make up, or have to take time off work to care for them. So you have both the caring for sick children and your workload to carry - when would you then have time for your own self care which is needed to keep you in good health. I know I’ve really struggled to do the caring and the working (similar situation in that as long as I work my hours the timing of when I work is mostly less important.

Tbh I’d still be looking for him to carry his weight with sick children - your work doesn’t stop because your children are sick and while you might be physically at home, your time is not your own in the same way as his time isn’t his own. The profession really is irrelevant - most employers need their staff to be working, and absence has an impact on others and on you. The difference is the impact on you in terms of needing to find time to fit in work around caring commitments, which I know can be very tricky. I’d be looking for him to continue with your existing arrangements which mean you both take the hit on time, reliability etc. It may be difficult for him, but it’s difficult for you too.

[quote DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes]@Cyw2018 I’m in England and sadly it isn’t. The policy has this clause written into it; there is no legal requirement for time off for dependants to be paid and our boroughs policy was amended a couple of years ago to state it was paid for the first four instances in an academic year or for the first four instances IF there was still adequate cover budget. Obviously written like that because the borough is skint. And this isn’t even an academy, there are academies where you wouldn’t get those first four paid/if there’s a cover budget.[/quote]
My LA cut time off for dependents from five days max a year, to two. And this was some time ago. I've since retired and it wouldn't surprise me at all if it's been further cut or stopped altogether.

This is our situation. My DH is a Head of Dept in a secondary. If he's off with the kids he gets the third degree- is there anyone else who could have them, how long will they be off etc etc. He still has to plan and send in cover so it's a massive pita for him and the school.

He looks after them during every holiday so the lack of flexibility has a flip side. If it's a 1 day illness then I take it off/ work flexibly, any longer and we share it equally. Works for us. I used to be a teacher so I understand it's not his fault.

@saraclara

I know a female teacher who picks up all the sick child term time care as her DP apparently doesn't get paid in his job if he takes time off for child care. It seems so often that it's the man's job that's positioned as the most important

That's not about whether he's a man or not though. If the sexes were reversed it would still be sensible for the one who still gets paid, to stay home. So as far as the family budget is concerned that job IS the more important.

And despite the many attempts in this thread to paint this as a sexist issue, many of us have said that in our experience it often IS the man who stays home if he has the more flexible job/has paid leave.

Her school is no longer prepared to accommodate it, so any further time off in this academic year will be unpaid. As I understand it, the school has to pay out twice each time she's off - to cover her pay plus the cost of a supply teacher. So there is an impact on her employer. Having a blanket policy that one of you will be the one who takes time off because it's paid doesn't seem right to me.

I voted YANBU because it would worry me he presented this as an automatic entitlement of his, rather than having a discussion. If you did go back into the office, in a year or two years or five, it might be very hard to shake the idea that your time has automatically been defined as flexible.

If you'd had a discussion, it'd be different.

If you do have that discussion, could you ask him what quid pro quo he's going to offer, if you sacrifice your work time? DP and I did that - my work used to be totally flexible and hers very lab-based and fixed. The deal we made was I did the childcare bits but when she came home, she had to give me a fixed, uninterrupted time for me to work properly, and I'd get to go upstairs without distractions and work. That's just an example and god knows we're not any kind of perfect, but maybe useful to prompt you to think what you'd like to discuss?

13 weeks of the year, he should ALWAYS step in when they’re unwell - does he?

I think as a general position, it’s probably fair that you use your flexibility. But you do need to look at it on a case by case basis and overall impact. You need to keep your own good standing and good will. So if a day comes when you’re feeling like you’re a little on thin ice, or you have an important meeting - he still has to step up.

He also needs to balance the days when you’ve had to work late - doing the evening shift with the kids, maybe giving you time at the weekend.

Definitely sounds like a watchful eye is needed! I would be taking a note too… not to be petty, but you do need to watch how much time you’ve taken.

I do think that right now, it's even harder for a teacher to face phoning in to claim leave for dependents. We're at the point where classes will be sent home or schools shut. And then many more people will be faced with having to WFH with their kids around, or take time off themselves (possibly also in a job where their place of work is barely able to function) and lose money.

I think, particularly for the next couple of months, you have to suck it up (and get him taking over the home stuff when he gets back)

OP, I totally agree with you and how you feel. I would be really pissed off about your DH just deciding what was going to happen and dictating that to you. And also the fact that he's been leaving you to do the bulk of the domestic load during your maternity leave. It all smacks of him ultimately thinking that his job is more important than yours.

I would come to an agreement to cover the sickness at home, but as other posters have said, make it clear that he will have to leave work bang on time, come straight home, take over domestically and childcare-wise, and then catch up with his work in the evening whilst you are catching up on your work.

YANBU yes your job is more flexible but not any less important, you still deserve to get proper time to complete your work. Yes if it was a day here or there that would be grand but if the full responsibility falls to you, that's quite unfair.

When dc are ill dh looks after them as he works from home. I’m in a hospital so unless there’s a risk it’s covid I go to work. My job is less flexible although if dh had a really important presentation I’d come home to cover, it’s unlikely that would be all day. It balances out because it used to fall all on me when dh was working an hour away.