Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that time off with ill DC should still be split even though I WFH?

186 replies

HardbackWriter · 06/01/2022 14:22

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and have just returned to work after my second maternity leave. DH and I both work four days a week - he's a teacher, I work in an office job but I've been working from home since March 2020 and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon (I have actually requested to have some time in the office but my employer is reluctant and my request has dragged on with no resolution). Pre-covid, when we both worked out of the home, we split days off when DC1 was ill pretty rigidly 50-50, with some flexibility if one or the other of us had something particularly big on when it was 'our turn'. This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later (I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one), whereas for him he has to have the day fully off. I was a bit taken aback/cross at this, but now I'm not sure if he's being the reasonable one? He's right that this is possible for me (though it ends up with me working until midnight, and potentially having to rearrange or drop out of meetings last minute) and not for him, but I also really don't think it'll make me look professional and engaged at work and it feels inherently a bit unjust (but is this petty of me?). It's inevitably going to be a pressing issue because both children have spent this entire winter being ill, and I'm sure there's loads more to come. AIBU? How do other people arrange this?

OP posts:
TequilaBlaze · 06/01/2022 14:47

YABU. Teachers can't just not be there if there's another option.

Original poster
HardbackWriter · 06/01/2022 14:48

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Is it 50/50 in school holidays too? It really shouldn't be
No, I'd never have to take time off for ill children in school holidays (or Wednesdays, as that's his non-working day - similarly it would always be me on a Thursday). In practice though it doesn't feel that that would help as much as it should theoretically should - in my experience so far they're ill constantly in winter and not much in summer, and my work has a long Christmas closure that meant I was off nearly as much as him this year. So knowing he'll cover the two weeks of half-term between September and April isn't as big a deal as it sounds in terms of reducing my time off with ill children. I was on mat leave until Christmas but my eldest was literally off nursery for as much of November and December as he went - he got hand, foot and mouth, several nasty colds, a stomach bug and then covid - and if I'd been at work then it would, under this system, have all fallen on me because that's all term time.
OP posts:
Youngstreet · 06/01/2022 14:49

I think you should share it 50/50 where possible with perhaps you being slightly more flexible.
If you were both teachers it would be 50/50.

I wonder how many female teachers go into work whilst their dh's stays home with the dc when they're sick.
Probably not many.

It's hard on students but it's hard on you too OP and it's very unfair to expect you to work until midnight regularly when your dh is a parent too.

AnotherMansCause · 06/01/2022 14:50

YABU but he needs to do all the childcare & housework etc that you would have done, while you are making your hours up. He doesn’t get to sit & watch the footy while they trash the house.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/01/2022 14:50

It's more in terms of everything with the children I mean when I ask is it 50/50 in the summer. So on all school holidays he should be doing all the stuff with/for the kids all day Mon-Fri (share thurs as your day off).

Soraya5 · 06/01/2022 14:51

I don't think I agree with pps. Even if you're wfh, a lot of employers will still expect you to be at your computer/available most of the time and it will look terrible if you're actually doing childcare instead. It could lead to disciplinary issues. I think you'd need to have formal agreement from your employer that you can work flexibly for this to work, so there is no expectation for you to mislead your colleagues.

Soraya5 · 06/01/2022 14:52

Also note what you say about the domestic split post DC-2. I think a lot of men get used to things being easy for them while their partners are on mat leave, you'll have to help him adjust to the new reality.

countrygirl99 · 06/01/2022 14:54

I'd say -
Short illnesses - stomach bugs, colds etc term time it's probably easier for you to be more flexible.
Longer illnesses- chicken pox , flu etc term time split.
Anything in the holidays DH covers.

Original poster
HardbackWriter · 06/01/2022 14:57

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

It's more in terms of everything with the children I mean when I ask is it 50/50 in the summer. So on all school holidays he should be doing all the stuff with/for the kids all day Mon-Fri (share thurs as your day off).
He does do this - the children's nursery isn't term-time only (we used to use one that was but we moved house and nowhere here offers term-time only places and full days rather than school hours) but they only go for short days when he's home and he does all domestic stuff in that time (and catches up on some of his own work). Or he does in theory - it'll be interesting to see how that goes at Easter as obviously I've been home for all the school holidays for the last year while I've been on mat leave. I very much hope he'll go back to doing that, but as I say I really feel like having me 'at home' constantly has changed the dynamic in lots of subtle but clear ways and it's blurred the lines of me being back 'at work'.
OP posts:
RoseMartha · 06/01/2022 14:57

YABU as your job is flexible
However it would have been better if he has discussed it with you and let you have your say rather than tell you how it is going to be.

Stompythedinosaur · 06/01/2022 15:01

If the dc are ill enough that someone has to be away from work then you should split 50:50. But if you can have them and make up time so no one has a day off then I think that is clearly the better option. I would expect your dh to pick up additional cooking/housework/childcare outside work hours while you are having to do your job.

Original poster
HardbackWriter · 06/01/2022 15:01

@RoseMartha

YABU as your job is flexible However it would have been better if he has discussed it with you and let you have your say rather than tell you how it is going to be.
To be fair I think he thought - and a lot of people on this thread do too - that it was simply obvious that it would be like this and the only logicsal way forward, he was really taken aback that I didn't.
OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 06/01/2022 15:05

I think you should do more but you cant do all. If you have an older child then its doable eg can put your 3 year old infront of the tablet while you do something urgent. But an 11 month old is impossible, the only time you can work is when they are napping, which when they are ill might not happen or might be on you. You are basically then trying to fit almost a full days work into the evening which is not really a solution other than short term emergencies (eg if they were off one or two days with a bug - fine, but if they're off with chickenpox one after the other for two weeks - it isnt sustainable).

Also if it was split 50 50 beforehand he obviously can take time off for sick kids and presumably you could always have done some work from home so what's changed with him?

I think I'd be pissed off that he was telling me that was how it was going to be rather than asking me, and also him refusing to help at all. I'd push back on the 'never' and say there might still be times when you have a big project / deadline / presentation / training or whatever and it's just not feasible, and isnt just your responsibility to sort out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/01/2022 15:10

Sorry OP - I was also set to say YANBU until I saw he was a teacher

I think it’s so hard for teachers to get time off, and it has a knock on effect for some many other families

What he SHOULD be doing in those cases is giving you proper, clear time, in the daylight hours, to make up the work on the weekends when he’s off work, not make you do it when kids are asleep or so you yourself miss out on much needed rest.

saraclara · 06/01/2022 15:10

..can he teach in the morning for example and come home at lunchtime and you work the afternoon?

It's comments like this that make it obvious that many of us don't have a clue about other people's jobs - and of course teachers (I was one) can be oblivious to the constraints of other people's too.

I wonder how many female teachers go into work whilst their dh's stays home with the dc when they're sick.

My late husband and I both taught. We split sick child duty 50:50 overall. Though it wasn't strict turn-taking, as we worked out who had the most important stuff/would be hardest to cover that day. But he absolutely did his share, if not more, as I had kids who couldn't be taught by supply teachers.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/01/2022 15:11

I work from home but now my youngest is nearly 8 I can manage a decent day’s work with him here (unless he’s puking or something)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/01/2022 15:11

^^
The point of that post is to say that it will get better in not too long a timeframe!

Toomanyradishes · 06/01/2022 15:12

I think if you are going to do this you need to put clear boundaries in place. So on the days where this happens he is home on time and all parenting and housework is done by him (e.g. no leaving the washing up for you to do the next day)

There also needs to be a time limit. You cant do from first thing in the morning until midnight for more than a few days before you either fuck up at work, or make yourself ill. So there needs to be an agreed point where it switches to him/ shared you not working too. E.g. if it goes over 3 days (which i think is the cover you need for 1 week, if I read your days off right) then you take it in turn to miss work for the remainder of the childs illness.

You get to decide what is a big meeting not him. Even if that meeting can be done from home, it doesnt mean i can be rearranged/missed. And he has to adhere to taking that day off then if required

Also, as it feels like there is a slight creeping over into other resentment, try to make sure you are not picking up too much additional houework just because you are wfh. What I personally have found works for me is i allocate myself his commute time for tasks. Essentially his commute is 40 mins per day, anything that takes me above and beyond that is shared. Its not a hard and fast rule, and i dont include quick and easy things like shoving some towels in the washing machine on my lunch break, but its stopped everything becoming mine just because I am at home

saraclara · 06/01/2022 15:12

...and I agree with everyone else. He needs to put you in a position to be able to work when he gets home. So the child watching and meal cooking etc are his responsibility on those days.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/01/2022 15:13

I wonder how many female teachers go into work whilst their dh's stays home with the dc when they're sick.

^^
My good friend does. Her husband has very flexible work compared to teaching and does this if their youngest (same age as my youngest) is off on one of her working days.

However see above as her youngest like mine is nearly 8 so it’s a bit easier!

MajorCarolDanvers · 06/01/2022 15:13

If its not split then it means that your wfh job is not being seen as a 'proper' job.

Sirzy · 06/01/2022 15:14

Also if it was split 50 50 beforehand he obviously can take time off for sick kids and presumably you could always have done some work from home so what's changed with him?

A big change - for anyone working in education - is the impact of the current situation. Ds school has had to Move to online learning for this week due to the amount of staff absences. This is the case in schools up and down the country.

It’s hardly surprising that taking time off will be a last resort. Obviously if there is no alternative there is no alternative but from what the OP has said in most cases she can be the alternative (with him then taking on the extra when home so she can catch up of course!)

RobinPenguins · 06/01/2022 15:15

I wonder how many female teachers go into work whilst their dh's stays home with the dc when they're sick.
Probably not many.

In my experience, all of them, if their partner’s job has more flexibility.

NoNever · 06/01/2022 15:16

I voted YABU only because your DH is a teacher and therefore his hours can’t be adjusted while you said yours easily can. It’s also pretty hard for teachers to get time off right now with so many already being off sick or forced to isolate, etc..

However, I also think that means he’s on duty when he gets home so you can get things done. And by on duty, I mean on duty. Housework, dinner, sick kids, all of it. It evens out the split at least a little.

Tough situation all around.

BlingLoving · 06/01/2022 15:16

Mmm, while I think it's not unreasonable that as your job is more flexible you will take on more of the term-time illness, I think this idea that it is suddenly your problem is an issue.

For example, if it is happening consistently, then you simply can't because flexible or not, at some point your work is going to start getting annoyed and he needs to accommodate that because your work and career is not less important.

Also, if you taking time off means you're working until midnight, what is he doing to help mitigate this? eg, perhaps the arrangement is that if you've taken the day because of ill children, he rushes home after school and any work that he'd normally do out of school hours he then is doing later ie you're both working until 10pm rather than you until midnight while he finishes at his usual 5:30pm.

I have more flex than DH and I get quite annoyed that the default assumption is that I will be available to do childcare/holiday etc. The only way it works is if he understands that he can't be hanging about having a chat with colleagues after a shift but has to be home as quick as possible to facilitate me getting back to work quicker.