To think that time off with ill DC should still be split even though I WFH?

[HardbackWriter]

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and have just returned to work after my second maternity leave. DH and I both work four days a week - he's a teacher, I work in an office job but I've been working from home since March 2020 and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon (I have actually requested to have some time in the office but my employer is reluctant and my request has dragged on with no resolution). Pre-covid, when we both worked out of the home, we split days off when DC1 was ill pretty rigidly 50-50, with some flexibility if one or the other of us had something particularly big on when it was 'our turn'. This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later (I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one), whereas for him he has to have the day fully off. I was a bit taken aback/cross at this, but now I'm not sure if he's being the reasonable one? He's right that this is possible for me (though it ends up with me working until midnight, and potentially having to rearrange or drop out of meetings last minute) and not for him, but I also really don't think it'll make me look professional and engaged at work and it feels inherently a bit unjust (but is this petty of me?). It's inevitably going to be a pressing issue because both children have spent this entire winter being ill, and I'm sure there's loads more to come. AIBU? How do other people arrange this?

Of course yabu. Why should your OH have to stay off work so school has to pay for a temp, impact the learning of students when you say you can be flexible with your job? It's not all about you. Your OH will be off during school hols so he can pick up slack then.

I get where you're coming from but surely it falls on the person with the more flexible diary? It's really hard to take time off as a teacher, it's a bit of a no brainer if it's much, much easier for you. Surely if you were the teacher and he WFH in a flexible job you'd expect him to take more of the leave?

Also he has the holidays completely off for you to be able to work apart from taking annual leave which makes a huge difference I'm sure?

Your job is flexible, his isn’t. He can’t teach children until midnight and presumably he looks after the children in the holidays.

People keep talking about the holidays - I can see how it will be brilliant to have holiday cover when the DC are older but for right now it's winter that's the big concern. If the children are ill as often in Jan and Feb as they were in Nov and Dec and I have to constantly, regularly rearrange things because of my childcare issues I don't know how reassured anyone will be, or how much it'll salvage my reputation at work, to know that I'll have a clear run of it come August (when I've booked two weeks off on annual leave anyway).

YANBU.

I feel like some people have this idea that you can magic away half your workload when you're WFH.

At those ages, it is flat out impossible to get any work done while the children are awake. Therefore, if you have to look after the children all day (let's say 7am until 5pm when DH gets home) and then try and squeeze in an 8 hour office shift, you've essentially put in an 18 hour day and you've barely got time to sleep, shower or eat and you're going to bed at 1am.

It could well be that DH is right that your job is more flexible, BUT if you're going to do it that way then it needs to be absolutely 100% clear that as SOON as DH gets in the door he is 100% responsible for cooking tea, cleaning, housework and childcare, because you now need to get an 8 hour shift in.

@RobotValkyrie

YANBU, this is the thin edge of the wedge, OP.

Males have a very strong tendency to see themselves as main bread winners, and consider their work to be more important than yours after kids.
If the shoe was on the other foot, he'd find another way to argue why you should look after the kids still.

It's his responsibility to arrange 50% time off for sick kids. If he can't do it himself, he should arrange cover, like a babysitter. Or maybe he should find a job more compatible with his role as a parent?
Don't give in, OP.
Or if you do, make sure you're largely compensated through holiday care arrangements.

Give it a rest!

You have no idea over what OP's husband would do if the show was on the other foot. A job "more compatible with his role as a parent" will likely not give him 13 weeks holiday every year and shorter working days when needed.

Life isn't fair. A partnership isn't about a precise 50/50 split. It's about getting through hard times as easy as possible. It's not ideal but in this case, OP is in the best position to provide childcare.

It's like arguing that someone shouldn't have to give their partner a lift back from somewhere because they dropped them off. Or you should only have to do 50% of the school run even if you're available.

[quote DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes]@Cyw2018 I’m in England and sadly it isn’t. The policy has this clause written into it; there is no legal requirement for time off for dependants to be paid and our boroughs policy was amended a couple of years ago to state it was paid for the first four instances in an academic year or for the first four instances IF there was still adequate cover budget. Obviously written like that because the borough is skint. And this isn’t even an academy, there are academies where you wouldn’t get those first four paid/if there’s a cover budget.[/quote]
The maximum of 4 incidence seems fairly standard but that's some sneaky small print they've manage to get in there regarding the budget.

Incidentally it's always been completely clear that I do all medical appointments during term time, that I go to any events at nursery, etc. There my job can be completely flexible; I block out my diary and it's fine, and of course he can't get time off for those things at all. It's unplanned absence that's hard.

Unfortunately, I think this is the downside of WFH. People do tend to assume you'll just manage to fit everything in

I think best to be very firm with your DH that if you're looking after children during the day, then he needs to come home as soon as classes finish, cook dinner etc so you can catch up later

It gets so much easier when they're older. Hang in there

I wfh and do more of the time off but not all of it. I agree sadly it is more flexible and surely that is an upside of home work ..and there are downsides from an employment perspective.

Your employer has forced you t wfh so I would take what you also can from it.

I'm a teacher and my husband isn't, but I only get one paid day of leave for emergency childcare per year, so for us it's about which day off has the biggest financial hit. I know a married couple who are both teachers and neither are paid if they need to look after their sick children, so the partner who is on a lower salary looks after them, as it's simply a lesser financial hit for them as a family.

I'm really surprised at the majority of replies on here. Before WFH he did 50/50. Now that you work from home you're supposed to take a larger share of caring for poorly children and you also mentioned more of the work around the house. Your "flexibility" would involve you possibly looking unprofessional at work and working until some stupid time of night - you mention midnight.
Your job is as important as his. He can take his share because he used to. WFH hasn't changed that.

School hols are 13 weeks of the year which is 25%. I'd say if you cover most of term time and he picks up the times you really cant- you've probably both edged towards 50:50 there anyway.

Given the covid crisis and school on the verge of closing due to staff shortages I would say YABU. However under normal times I would expect it to be sit between you. He cannot teach from home at present and kids have missed out on such a huge chunk of their education as it is.

I am also wfh and this falls to me as my job is more flexible. I don’t tell my employer unless forced.
It does get easier as they get older as they just watch TV!
But I would make sure your DH is pulling his weight in other areas

I day schools are on the verge of closing because my sons school has already had to shut the kitchens due to staff absence. Will not be long before year group are being sent home again due to sick staff.

Could you afford to look at DH taking a sabbatical year while you still have two preschoolers? Give you a chance to really focus on getting back into work after maternity leaves and give him a turn spending lots of time with kids. They do tend to get ill less as they get older.

It’s really hard to have time off as a teacher but it is possible. DH and I are both teachers so would share absences like this 50/50. Sometimes it cannot be helped.

I think the ‘salvage my reputation at work’ comment is really important!!

He has not sacrificed his by having 2 lots of maternity leave... the 50/50 should stay.

When I worked I took all the sick days for child, dh's job is not flexible like that at all and mine was. Now a sahm so of course I look after all the kids if they are ill as dh is often away at work from days to months at a time.

I'm a teacher and my husband wfh. He does most of the ill childcare but I do some. It is more of an upheaval and affects more people if I have a day off whereas he would still work but just not get as much done as a normal day. School would have to arrange for my lessons to be covered. I would still have to do a fair amount of work to send in my cover. It's a lot of faff.

I would also focus on your own situation and marriage and not actually take into account the ‘kids need an education... schools will close’ points.

The points you make about the shift it has made with you being at home more and now taking on more than your share of the family load... this is important and this is a real risk with the changes that COVID has brought. Rage against it!!! Despite the opinions on this thread!!

If you’re wfh in the manner you do I think your dh has a point in that you can get your work done any time whereas he’s I assume 8-5 well standardised hours.