To think that time off with ill DC should still be split even though I WFH?

[HardbackWriter]

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and have just returned to work after my second maternity leave. DH and I both work four days a week - he's a teacher, I work in an office job but I've been working from home since March 2020 and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon (I have actually requested to have some time in the office but my employer is reluctant and my request has dragged on with no resolution). Pre-covid, when we both worked out of the home, we split days off when DC1 was ill pretty rigidly 50-50, with some flexibility if one or the other of us had something particularly big on when it was 'our turn'. This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later (I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one), whereas for him he has to have the day fully off. I was a bit taken aback/cross at this, but now I'm not sure if he's being the reasonable one? He's right that this is possible for me (though it ends up with me working until midnight, and potentially having to rearrange or drop out of meetings last minute) and not for him, but I also really don't think it'll make me look professional and engaged at work and it feels inherently a bit unjust (but is this petty of me?). It's inevitably going to be a pressing issue because both children have spent this entire winter being ill, and I'm sure there's loads more to come. AIBU? How do other people arrange this?

I’m on the other side of this, as a teacher with a WFH / more flexible DH.

When it comes to sick children, we take it in turns and I’m surprised so many think otherwise.

I think that even within teaching, there are some roles that are easier to manage absences for than others.

In one job I had a team of TAs including a lead who could teach in my absence. I was still hardly ever off, but had I had young kids at that time, it wouldn't have been the end of the world if I had to take a day for a sick child.
But in another teaching job my being absent would have led to a whole load of problems (and that's without Covid)

So the teachers saying that they can do 50:50 even when they have a partner in a flexible job, might be in a very different role/phase from other teachers.

Yabu. But he should take over when he gets in so you can catch up. Are these school age children?

Is this really a huge issue though? I mean how often are the kids actually ill?

He's a teacher. He can't leave the kids he's teaching.

Working from home is blurring lots of lines. I'm amazed at how many parents in dc school with younger children are not paying for childcare for them as they are working from home. But perhaps they are more productive, work after kids in bed etc

@PrincessNutella

He's a teacher. He can't leave the kids he's teaching.

She can’t leave either, she’s working.

I don’t think it’s ‘woman’s work isn’t important’ at all. Here, I’m the woman and teacher and my husband is the man working from home. He does do over 50% of childcare when our daughter is ill, but he is up front with his employer about this and thankfully they’re fine.

If I take time off, my TA has to cover me which is stressful for her, and means the children are getting a lower quality of input, and she isn’t doing her job with interventions and 1:1 and so on. Other colleagues end up covering my afternoon classes, meaning they lose their PPA. Whereas my husband can still get a bit of work done with our daughter in front of the TV, I’ve even come home to find him on calls in the kitchen watching her playing in the living room. I do always make the effort to leave work asap though, and if I have PPA or whatever I ask if I can leave early. And if he has something important on, it has to be me. Obviously, I do 100% of care during the day in the holidays, whether our daughter is sick or not!

I’ve voted YABU because I wouldn’t insist on him missing work, but I absolutely think that all of the child/ house care should be on him the minute he walks through the door (including cooking/ cleaning/ bath/ bed) so that you can get your work done before midnight.

I’m a teacher and my DH has a job like yours. I only work 3 days per week but on my working days our deal is this: he does the first ‘ill’ day of any period of sickness and I do the next one, if needed. On my non-working days and school holidays, I do them all. Obviously, if anything time critical is happening then I step up (e.g. he was involved in a number of interviews recently)

@Cheeseplantboots

Yabu. But he should take over when he gets in so you can catch up. Are these school age children?

Is this really a huge issue though? I mean how often are the kids actually ill?

They're 3 and nearly 1 and as I said upthread we have been absolutely hammered with illness so far this year (while I've been on mat leave, fortunately). The three year old had about 50% attendance at nursery across November and December - if I'd been at work and covering every day he wasn't at nursery it would have been at least one day every week where I'd have been disappearing off at short notice, cancelling meetings, etc., and some whole weeks where the only day I could work 'normally' would be Wednesday (when DH is home). It would have been really noticeable to others. I don't know quite why it's been so awful this year - it wasn't this bad the first year that he started childcare. Lots of other parents of little children I know are finding the same, just illness after illness after illness, and everyone keeps saying it's a post-lockdown thing but I'm not sure how much actual evidence there is for that.

@PrincessNutella

He's a teacher. He can't leave the kids he's teaching.

I mean, obviously they do have arrangements for cover at his school. I'm not saying it's easy or convenient but no one is suggesting that his (secondary-aged) classes would just be set free to roam the streets if our children are ill

I do think the ages of your children are the key thing here. As I said, mine are similar ages and the illnesses are relentless. If you were talking a couple of days a term with a child that could be parked in front of the TV them sure, you could do them all. But when it's near weekly with a child young enough to need constant attention that's a different thing and you covering every instance would quickly jeopardise your job.

Yabu, as you have flexibility when he doesn't. But he can help out in other ways, eg doing all care when home if you are catching up with work and doing all sickness cover in the school holidays (13 weeks a year!)

Also, one other thing, are you giving your kids multivitamins? That might help with the illness and it does get better as they get older. The older child should be able to take vitamin gummies, and even babies can take drops I think.

Cross post OP - completely agree with your post at 1938. It's been horrendous here too, and it's worse with two in childcare as you know once one goes down the other will be off with the same thing next week (sorry...).

Yanbu, it should be split, but based on your flexibility it should be 70/30 rather than 50/50 imo

And given that he works 4 days a week I’d also be insisting that I can get a long, productive day in on his day off, even if that means working outside the house and paying to do so (I.e in a flexible workspace).

Yes, they have multivitamins. Do you have children that are currently their ages? Because I know it might sound like I'm exaggerating how often they're ill (I'm very worried that my boss will begin to think it's implausible if it carries on) but everyone I know with preschoolers is finding the same. It's really markedly more often than DS1 was ill when he was the age DS2 is now, even though he had started nursery by that age too.

It makes sense for you to do a bit more bit maybe not all of it and you should definitely speak up if it's an issue.

The thing that would bother me though is that he seemed to just assume you would take the brunt of it rather than asking how it would work now you WFH.

I am a teacher, our youngest is now 11. DH has always been the one to take time off during term time to cover illness. We had this arrangement pre-Covid as even then he could work from home. Occasionally I will take some time off - when DS2 had Covid in Nov, DH had an in person meeting so I rearranged my PPA so I could be home that afternoon.
DH earns double my salary, but his work has always been more flexible around I'll children.

Yes I have 2 preschoolers and it’s not been bad at all so far this winter, but we moved out of a big city and it’s definitely better now we’re more rural (the premises are larger and they spend a lot of time outside even in winter) plus I think people here have been keeping kids with the sniffles off because they’d likely get sent home because the nursery would be worried that it’s COVID (could be in for a tough Jan though). I’m not doubting what you’re saying though, just trying to suggest things which might help and emphasising that this shouldn’t be an ongoing problem for years.

You need to tag team and he needs to do the weekends if you're taking time off to care for DC during the week.

So rather than late nights and early mornings, you need to be able to walk out of the house on Saturday and Sunday to go somewhere quiet (cafe, relative's house, lock yourself in upstairs bedroom) and work for an uninterrupted 8 hours while he cares for the DC. Not an hour here and there.

And if that's not enough, you need to do shifts. You're on while he's at school, he comes back at 3.30/4 and takes over until bedtime and then you both finish off any other work you have after bedtime (and share night wakings).

I wfh and largely control my diary.

DH is an NHS clinician with patients to see.

If the kids are ill it's usually me that does the workaround as DH would have to cancel unwell and often vulnerable patients.

If I have something very important on DH will cancel and he's happy to. But generally I have flex and no vulnerable patients to consider so I juggle the kids.

Mmmmm I think YABU. You said yourself

"I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one)," like he said it's easier for you to work around DC a with less impact on your job than him taking the whole day off - especially being a teacher.

I get that it's annoying that you'd always be the one looking after them while sick but from a practical standpoint it makes more sense to me & I don't see why you'd still force the 50/50 even though it is inevitably easier for you.

It's like me - I do all nursery drop offs and most pick ups because it's on my way to/from work. Sure I could split it 50/50 with my partner so it's more fair but practically it makes more sense for me to do it so I do.

I think YANBU. This is where it starts - you were sharing 50:50, now the proposal you to take on the greater burden of childcare, his work is suddenly considered more important than yours; your work and professionalism goes backwards. Resentment will build.

If it is important for him to not miss work as being a teacher than I think the decision must be he needs to seek to arrange emergency paid childcare for his ‘turns’.

I’d say this is the beginning of a slippery slope of a movement to you being pushed into taking on more of the childcare / family responsibilities.

I wouldn’t agree to it.