To think that time off with ill DC should still be split even though I WFH?

[HardbackWriter]

I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and have just returned to work after my second maternity leave. DH and I both work four days a week - he's a teacher, I work in an office job but I've been working from home since March 2020 and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon (I have actually requested to have some time in the office but my employer is reluctant and my request has dragged on with no resolution). Pre-covid, when we both worked out of the home, we split days off when DC1 was ill pretty rigidly 50-50, with some flexibility if one or the other of us had something particularly big on when it was 'our turn'. This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later (I control my own diary and my job is more of a 'get the tasks done' than a clock-watching type one), whereas for him he has to have the day fully off. I was a bit taken aback/cross at this, but now I'm not sure if he's being the reasonable one? He's right that this is possible for me (though it ends up with me working until midnight, and potentially having to rearrange or drop out of meetings last minute) and not for him, but I also really don't think it'll make me look professional and engaged at work and it feels inherently a bit unjust (but is this petty of me?). It's inevitably going to be a pressing issue because both children have spent this entire winter being ill, and I'm sure there's loads more to come. AIBU? How do other people arrange this?

@Twocrabs30

I think YANBU. This is where it starts - you were sharing 50:50, now the proposal you to take on the greater burden of childcare, his work is suddenly considered more important than yours; your work and professionalism goes backwards. Resentment will build.

If it is important for him to not miss work as being a teacher than I think the decision must be he needs to seek to arrange emergency paid childcare for his ‘turns’.

I’d say this is the beginning of a slippery slope of a movement to you being pushed into taking on more of the childcare / family responsibilities.

I wouldn’t agree to it.

That’s a good point. He was managing to do it but suddenly can’t. Bullshit.

Think of it less as who looks after the dc and think of it in terms of how each person picks up the extra load when a dc is unwell. If the dc are having to be home and you are able to work around that then you take more during the day of that extra load and then your DH takes over completely with all tasks once he's home to allow you to work so that's when he takes up his share of the extra load of an unwell child.

Sorry but I don't think YABU at all. My DP tried this with me when I went back to work as his job also can't be done from home - we have a 17 month old. My job can be done from home but I can't work when my 17 month old is at home and nor will you be able to with an 11 month old. DC was poorly 3 times for a week each time during the first few months that I went back to work and all it resulted in was me working ridiculously late into the evening once DP was home to be able to keep on top of my workload after spending all day looking after DC. How is that fair? If I'd taken the time as leave, my work would have been piling up waiting for me when I went back and I would still have needed to put the extra hours in to catch up.

I don't accept that he gets a buy because he's teacher, what a load of nonsense - it's difficult for most people to be off work, he needs to do his bit.

I think it’s really important to recognise the balance too, if you are looking after LO and then working until midnight you will burn out. Obviously depends how often the situation arises!

This morning DH made a comment that made it clear that he thought that from now on he'd only take time off work for ill DC if I had one of those 'notable/big' things on, as otherwise I could just do a bit of work around the DC and then make up the time later

I would also add that your husband’s comment has been presented to you as a fait accompli; without consultation or discussion of options, and which leaves you burdened by the family responsibilities and his work prioritised.

You doing all the childcare for your sick children while he works is not an accomplished fact. It ought to be a discussion, with him taking up options that doesn’t leave your work compromised

So really you're talking about the possibility on Monday, Tuesdays and Fridays during term time, with no commitment in the school holidays?? I think YAB a little U.

BUT definitely negotiate weekend lie ins etc.

OR is there someone - a friend or relative or similar who could keep an eye on them for at least a morning while you work, or if you have an important meeting.

Is your husband entitled to paid time off for dependents leave? Usually it’s only the first day covered and then it’s unpaid so that would be a motivator for me!

@3mealsaday

You need to tag team and he needs to do the weekends if you're taking time off to care for DC during the week.

So rather than late nights and early mornings, you need to be able to walk out of the house on Saturday and Sunday to go somewhere quiet (cafe, relative's house, lock yourself in upstairs bedroom) and work for an uninterrupted 8 hours while he cares for the DC. Not an hour here and there.

And if that's not enough, you need to do shifts. You're on while he's at school, he comes back at 3.30/4 and takes over until bedtime and then you both finish off any other work you have after bedtime (and share night wakings).

This ^

I think best to be very firm with your DH that if you're looking after children during the day, then he needs to come home as soon as classes finish, cook dinner etc so you can catch up later

and this ^ says similar. As teachers, we are committed whilst the dc are in school, but do have as much flexibility as the wfh person for all the other hours.

Your "flexibility" would involve you possibly looking unprofessional at work and working until some stupid time of night - you mention midnight.
Well, it might surprise you to know that that is how work and having small dc pans out sometimes. Lovely for those that haven't had to do it, but both dh and I have had various spells when our dc were little when that is what we did. Is it ideal ? No. Is it doable for a short period in your lives? Yes. Both parents working and having 2 small dc is hard. I don't think anyone is denying it. What you have to do, as a couple is do whatever you can to get through it. This is the worst time. Work together to survive.

I was teaching in school when my dc were little and now my job is mostly wfh where a lot of the time I manage my own diary and workload. I 100% agree that the person wfh has to pick up more of the looking after poorly dc during term time (keep in mind that is already down to 3/4 of the year), as they literally can then work on a Saturday or Sunday (or both) as well as evenings to replace those hours, but a teacher can't say to his class - "I'm not here for maths, Period 4 on Thursday so can you all come into school on Saturday at 11.30 to replace the lesson I have had to miss". Like the pp who said their dp was a clinician - it is just the same. Some work can be still done perfectly well at 8pm on a Wed night or 2pm on a Sunday, and other work can't.

OP's dh hasn't said they won't ever take the time, they have just suggested that the partner that works from home and manages heir diary is better placed to do more of it. Which is right.

Anyway OP, hopefully this is more of a worry than it will be reality. Although it seems so at the time, dc are not generally poorly that often. Now they've built up their immune systems a little bit, it just might not be much of an issue over the next 6 months and everything will settle down.

We are both teachers & paid for chicken pox vaccine as cheaper than the unpaid leave we'd need to take. If kids ill tell him he needs to leave at 3:00 that day then he can catch up work at night and give u time to work at 3. All i can say is it gets better they are at the worst getting ill ages just now. At that age I felt I couldn't work as mine were getting sick so often but it stops and becomes rare.

The one notion I'd swiftly disabuse your husband of is that you will be getting any work done around the children.

If you're looking after the children, you're not working and you need a chunk of time from him to make up for your lost working hours. Anything you manage to get done around the children is a bonus.

So if you 'lose' the hours between 8am and 4pm when he is at school teaching, he owes you 8 working hours either when he gets home/at the weekend (during which he has to deal with everything).

Yes, you may need to cover, as best you can, during the core school day.

But DH needs to then cover you catching up by coming straight home and minding DCs, chores, dinner etc. Particularly so you can do any meetings/calls needed before the end of the working day. (He also needs to continue the previous practise of covering all wednesdays if he has no teaching committments).

And you both catch up after DC bedtime and give each other dedicated time over the weekend on the more flexible parts - marking and planning, paperwork and reviewing regulation, admin etc.

It is hard but doable. But both of you need to pitch in even if in different ways.