Petty falling out with pregnant colleague- what now?

[Jacarandamanda]

A colleague and myself have fallen out and I’m not sure what to do from here.

The last few years I have had several miscarriages, most recently early December at 13 weeks. A colleague in my department is pregnant currently.

This is fine, it’s not particularly bothered me and we are perfectly friendly, there’s been nothing bad until now (although I wouldn’t say we are close)

We were having a chat just before Christmas break and she was talking a lot about how she couldn’t believe they were having another baby when they already have a big family, had said definitely no more children and it was such a surprise she was pregnant because her husband had had a vasectomy but she must have been pregnant already without them knowing, all the adaptions to their lives to accommodate another child in the family..

This was ok but a bit difficult to listen to and after about 15 minutes when she directly asked me what I thought about something pregnancy related I politely asked if we could change the subject. I made sure to be polite because I didn’t want to come off as being bitchy (and didn’t want to be!) I just told her I was a little uncomfortable with that question but would love to know about her family xmas plans.

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course” and I thought she had just realised she’d been a bit insensitive and that was it. Maybe she was a little embarrassed but I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.

She then told our line manager (in conversation not formally) that I was snappy and out to make her feel bad and being really rude in the conversation. They obviously bought it up with me as a potential issue, but he was actually very understanding when we spoke.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed? I’m not saying don’t talk about the pregnancy at all but it was really going on and talking about things like birth plans which was just very hard for me - & I only replyed so directly because she asked me something directly. We were talking with another colleague who has also admitted to her that he found it a bit uncomfortable and “over sharey” but she said she understood guys maybe didn’t like talking about that stuff. I don’t want to ask other people at work because I don’t want to look like I’m stirring (or actually stir shit)

Anyway I thought it would blow over but now we are back after Christmas and she is still being quite sour and avoiding me

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong…

And yes she knows most of what’s gone on having covered my work for me! We take staggered lunch breaks too so sometimes it’s not easy to avoid her

Help!

Wow, what a bitch unless she is extremely dense, there is no way she wouldn't know that question was extremely sensitive. Then reporting it. I'm sorry, but it sounds to me like she has it in for you & sees her pregnancy as protective of her, no matter how much the butch she has acted.

Yes as above I'd keep it cool & professional, keep your distance & do not apologise, she is very much in the wrong & the odds are she not only knows it, but intended it.

I'd also suggest you have a chat with the HR contact again & let them know of her current behaviour. Start by saying that you are intent on handling the situation professionally & will avoid any drama, but you have concerns that isn't the case with colleague given that she's currently ignoring yiu etc... cite a couple of examples & finish with, given that I was reported to you, I felt it best that you have an update incase colleague misinterprets things again.

No one would judge you. More likely judge her because she’s been incredibly insensitive. You have an out - she’ll be off on maternity leave soon so you can just leave it.
Sorry for your losses.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. Your colleague sounds completely lacking in any emotional intelligence. How awful to ask a woman who has miscarried if she had made any birth plans 😔 I've had 2 miscarriages and would absolutely crumble inside if a pregnant woman started gaily asking about my preferences for giving birth.

@Jacarandamanda

I think she was just a bit carried away with the conversation talking about pregnancy with another lady she maybe just felt comfortable to ask that?

I’m wondering if she looked shocked when I bring it up because she realised she had gone too far and was worried she could get in trouble? Perhaps why she mentioned to our manager?

And the other colleague was male?

I think she needs reminding about appropriate conduct!

Way over the top to label her like that. You not getting what you want doesn't mean you get to spoil it for others who wish to speak about a notable time in their life.

Then they can speak about it with somebody else. Preferably outside the workplace which is, after all, a place where people go to work, not to exchange banal chit chat.

In any circumstances, I couldn't give one single solitary fuck about the intricacies of someone else's birth plan. I'd say 'congratulations' after they'd given birth and that would be about it.

And that's just in ordinary circumstances. Engaging someone who'd recently suffered the heartbreak of miscarriage in this discussion goes way beyond self-centred, navel-gazing tedium and right into the territory of callous bullying. I'm inclined to agree with a PP that this is so tone deaf as to likely be calculated, particularly given the woman complained afterwards to management.

Not repentant or apologetic about pointing this one out. If you've suffered losses, or are childless and don't want to be, other people's pregnancies and babies are a painful topic. If you haven't, or it happened a long time ago and you went on to have a family, baby talk is simply boring.

She's been very insensitive. I can't believe she went to your manager and made out she was the victim. That is disgraceful. You were right to politely decline to answer her after listening to that for 15 minutes. I would have been in tears if someone had done that so soon after my loss so you coped very well.
Going on about her pregnancy/family for 15 minutes on work time is taking the mickey anyway, as well as poor social skills. She sounds very self absorbed, and not very bright. I wouldn't try and make amends, you have done nothing wrong. Be polite /civil but distant.

Sorry for your losses and sepsis must have been rough.

@Baggingarea

God I feel a bit triggered by this post. Why is it pregnant women cannot deal with people who have suffered loss or infertility. I have unexplained fertility and have been happy for friends and family who have got pregnant / had children. But I always feel like whenever I've felt sad about my own sitiation or just needed to not talk about certain things at certain times it causes such offence. Like me being infertile doesn't mean I'm not happy for them. Why can't they be happy for themselves but considerate to others. It just comes off as spoilt and bratty.

This with bells on. I had a friend of ten years cut me off as I wasn’t sufficiently attentive/congratulatory/excited about her firstborn. Baby was born two weeks after I had an emergency hysterectomy in my early 30s, which was necessary to save my life so no family planning or counselling could take place. I was barely able to walk to the end of the road but the absence of gifts and calls and cards and festivity was pointed out to me as having marred her special time.

It’s a unique kind of self-centred cruelty that I’ve never seen elsewhere and which people don’t get unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

OP, YANBU, you’ve been flawlessly considerate and composed. I take my hat off to you. I’m very, very sorry for your losses and I hope 2022 brings you peace and joy.

@MabelsApron I'm so sorry to hear about what an awful time you've had. And how insensitive of your friend. I just don't get what adult woman would think it's ok to act that way. I do feel in life there are people who endure hardship and people who have no idea how lucky they are.

[quote Baggingarea]@MabelsApron I'm so sorry to hear about what an awful time you've had. And how insensitive of your friend. I just don't get what adult woman would think it's ok to act that way. I do feel in life there are people who endure hardship and people who have no idea how lucky they are.[/quote]
Thank you! I’m very sorry to you too for your experiences - it really is rough.

I think you handled it well OP as your work colleague was incredibly insensitive . That was very intrusive questions to a woman who has recent lost a baby. And it's your second miscarriage.

As Jen Ann would say, she's missing a sensitivity chip. It's annoying what she said to manager as calling you snappy is untrue and unfair. She would have been more hornets yo say I think I accidentally upset OP. Anyway, I hope having spoken to you that your manager had a word with her to be more sensitive to others in their grief and not to ask intrusive baby / pregnancy questions of you.

Going forward, your plan to continue being professional and polite and ignore her frostiness is the best plan. She will just have to learn to get over herself.
If she doesn't after a few weeks then maybe have a word with your manager yourself about her behaviour towards you (in your grieving)

When someone has recently lost a baby, a child or someone in their life, we all tread very carefully at work with 'hot beverages' (ah our British cup of sweet tea arrived to anyones desk when it looks needed!...) being offered anytime we are dealing with something that might be a trigger to our colleagues as a tight knit team- and that's just in our patient caseload! Let alone something you don't need to be involved in OP.

What @ikeptgoing said with bells on

@Jacarandamanda

I've had this done to me if different ways when I told close friend who I supported by through IVF and birth that I had low eggs. She replied I've got loads. Like me telling a friend mums passed and them saying it's good mines alive.

When I tell my friends that have gone through 5 years of IVF I'm not going to tell them by boosting that my husband and I only really tried naturally for 4 cycles when I have more health problems than her mad statistically she should be pregt and i shouldn't.

That's what your work colleagues did you, planning to not have more kids them accidently got pregnant.

We where talking about how it's not jealous of friends who have babies but ones they do they don't seem to hold their identity up in other ways. Like my friend used to put gardening photos up on FB now it just the baby all the time no photos of her she dose nothing that don't involve the baby so all she talks about is them.

Husband and I planing a trip few months after birth and will be practical with young baby but it's place that will stir up both our interests get some great photos of the bay but also show off our interest so people that are struggling with infertility, children move away, shared custody. Can still tap into our lives without feeling we are pushing the baby in their face. I can talk to my mum about things I'm worried about. Get young babies are isolating but say you plan a BBQ you can chat food, friends etc rather than just kids.

There is social advantages to women who have had kids, like not perceived as suspicious can hold stretch marks up. Even though within the groups of mothers there are different social judgements but your still a mum.

One of my colleagues was hugely insensitive one day at work, unintentionally, making a silly comment about teenage children after I'd got home from hospital having sat by my daughters hospital bed for 3 days after she'd taken an overdose. (Covid lockdowns have been awful for many teenagers' MH)

It'd be outing to say what she said but it dropped like a lead balloon and everyone went silent. (& then delivered sweet cups of tea to my desk for when I returned after I had silently left the room teary)

Do you know what my colleague did? .... She apologised and said she was an idiot to say something so thoughtless and she hoped I would forgive her!

(Of course I did as she isn't mean in anyway) and wasn't trying to be, she just forgot)

That's what a good colleague does. They care about others feelings and families.

Sorry for your loss, OP
What I honestly think has happened here is she has gone to try and kick up a fuss with the boss, you've spoke to them and explained your situation and she's likely been told to calm it down and be more understanding, and she's having a little bitch fit for being called out.

Don't overthink it.... i know it is hard lol.
I would say she is very insensitive and you are not.
You are 2 very different people with your 2 very different life, pregnancy history and experience etc.
You should just accept these fact and try to move on. Keep it professional at work, behave normal as before towards her and focus on yourself. She is never going to be sensitive or your best friend so don't waist time thinking of her anymore. I know you going to see her at work and she will talk about her pregnancy with others but that's ok, you don't have to get involved. With a bit of hope, you will get there and will be pregnant soon. 😉

She's a bitch asking you if you'd thought about your birth plan with the baby you lost. Very very insensitive. Sorry op, don't waste another second of your time even thinking about her and don't tip toe around her. She didn't around you!!

Walking away might well look rude to some.

Where was OP meant to finish her lunch? In the loo, at her desk?

There is no excuse for the colleague to be so insensitive.

I'd be concerned something else could happen where your "attitude" is called into question again. Ask to speak to your manager. Tell them you want to revise your recollection of events. You didn't want to make a fuss, and you still don't, but you feel it's important to clarify things as there's been an atmosphere. Tell your boss how it made you feel, why you were "snappy", and then follow up the meeting with an email setting out the same things. "Dear Boss, Thanks for our chat earlier. So just wanted to plot what we discussed earlier... x, y, z, ... and to confirm I don't want to take any further action at this time." Trust me, you should do this.

Very good advice @AffableApple

How have things been last for days, OP?

I think you've done the right thing op. Going forward carry on as you would normally do, be professional around her and friendly. You can do this without having to throw yourself under the bus. I'd also be tempted to talk to your boss and ask their opinion on how you address this going forward. Covers your arse too