Petty falling out with pregnant colleague- what now?

[Jacarandamanda]

A colleague and myself have fallen out and I’m not sure what to do from here.

The last few years I have had several miscarriages, most recently early December at 13 weeks. A colleague in my department is pregnant currently.

This is fine, it’s not particularly bothered me and we are perfectly friendly, there’s been nothing bad until now (although I wouldn’t say we are close)

We were having a chat just before Christmas break and she was talking a lot about how she couldn’t believe they were having another baby when they already have a big family, had said definitely no more children and it was such a surprise she was pregnant because her husband had had a vasectomy but she must have been pregnant already without them knowing, all the adaptions to their lives to accommodate another child in the family..

This was ok but a bit difficult to listen to and after about 15 minutes when she directly asked me what I thought about something pregnancy related I politely asked if we could change the subject. I made sure to be polite because I didn’t want to come off as being bitchy (and didn’t want to be!) I just told her I was a little uncomfortable with that question but would love to know about her family xmas plans.

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course” and I thought she had just realised she’d been a bit insensitive and that was it. Maybe she was a little embarrassed but I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.

She then told our line manager (in conversation not formally) that I was snappy and out to make her feel bad and being really rude in the conversation. They obviously bought it up with me as a potential issue, but he was actually very understanding when we spoke.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed? I’m not saying don’t talk about the pregnancy at all but it was really going on and talking about things like birth plans which was just very hard for me - & I only replyed so directly because she asked me something directly. We were talking with another colleague who has also admitted to her that he found it a bit uncomfortable and “over sharey” but she said she understood guys maybe didn’t like talking about that stuff. I don’t want to ask other people at work because I don’t want to look like I’m stirring (or actually stir shit)

Anyway I thought it would blow over but now we are back after Christmas and she is still being quite sour and avoiding me

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong…

And yes she knows most of what’s gone on having covered my work for me! We take staggered lunch breaks too so sometimes it’s not easy to avoid her

Help!

You probably should have walked off rather than saying something, that would have been far more effective at shutting down conversation and avoided making her feel awkward. She probably didnt think before she asked you the question rather than wanting to upset you. You've effectively told her you are triggered by her pregnancy so it's going to be pretty hard for her to engage with you when she's only going to get more pregnant and she will feel like she can't mention the elephant in the room. She probably just thinks it's easier to avoid you than upset you being around you. Just leave it, she'll be on mat leave soon.

For some reason she's decided to be the injured party in this despite the fact she was the insensitive one. I reckon the more conciliatory you are the more she's going to believe you were in the wrong, so while you don't have to be stroppy or rude you can be very matter of fact in your dealings with with her. Honestly, stay assertive and don't let her play the injured party any more - especially as you were prepared to let it drop! She needs to fuck off (to put it plainly).

Surely a non work related conversation at lunch is nothing to do with managers.
I think you were very restrained OP.
I would have asked ‘are you always so tone deaf?’

Is your manager aware of the losses you've suffered? They were insensitive too with their approach.
She must be very silly if she was aware and started the ridiculous questions knowing the circumstances.

I was happy with how my manager spoke to me, I didn’t even think that he may have spoken to her again, maybe why she is being strange

Everyone aware as I had already shared the pregnancy after a successful 12 week scan but lost the baby 5 days later at 13 weeks

Previous loss was February at 11 weeks and I was in hospital with sepsis for 4 weeks after. She covered for me at the time as we are similar roles with me doing a few more things on top so she did my “extra bits” for a while

She was insensitive, but is it possible that she’s talking up this pregnancy, wanting to engage people in discussion because she herself isn’t really very on board with it?

Bearing in mind her DH had had a vasectomy and then she found out she was pregnant. They were making very definite plans to ensure they never had any more children, and then they found out they were having one after all.

I imagine there is probably quite a bit of emotion tied up with that kind of thing.

I actually knew someone who went in to be sterilised and they discovered during the operation that she was already pregnant. It was incredibly hard for her as she already had 3 children and a waster of a husband, so she definitely wanted no more children. And then her 4th child was born prematurely with some medical issues and with SN, and the husband left her on her own with 4 kids. I have 0 doubt that she talked up her pregnancy to make her seem excited about it while she was in fact devastated.

She was insensitive, but is it possible that she’s talking up this pregnancy, wanting to engage people in discussion because she herself isn’t really very on board with it?

No.

Your colleague has had the Christmas holidays to get over this and hasn’t. I would perhaps bring it up with your LM again. He can then decide whether or not to intervene. But, whatever you do, please do not try to make her feel better.

She is a bitch. And no, I’m not being harsh by saying this. She said something incredibly insensitive (for which you rightly could have hit the roof), played the injured party to your LM and is refusing to let this go.

Even if you didn't have previous miscarriages it wouldn't excuse this oversharing. Your colleague is deluded thinking anyone else is interested in her pregnancy in the workplace. In your shoes I would go back to your manager and say that it doesn't sit right to you and you don't want any drama. Tell him exactly for how long she has been talking to you (or at you) about this pregnancy stuff before you asked to change the subject. Perhaps she needs reminder that people might feel uncomfortable with so much oversharing.
Pregnancy doesn't excuse stupidity

What a bitch! I would be extra polite and smiley with her - just to wind her up.

Stand your ground OP - don't let her grind you down.

@anotherbrewplease

What a bitch! I would be extra polite and smiley with her - just to wind her up.

Stand your ground OP - don't let her grind you down.

Why do women so often think they're sticking it to someone by being syrupy sweet and extra nice?

Insensitive cow. At least she won't be sharing any more pregnancy stuff with you. Don't creep after her, just be friendly if approached but otherwise take advantage of not having to listen to her go on about it.

@TulipsTwoLips

She's showing a real lack of maturity here. She's been told kindly that her questioning was uncomfortable for you and instead of apologising she has turned it on you.

I really hate the whole British way of not saying things, as a poster has suggested above. It's producing a society with no resilience, as people, such as your colleague, don't learn to deal with these situations when they come up.

Are you British yourself? Either way, I wouldn't worry about what impact the approach of not addressing things directly is having on society. We've survived hundreds of years so far with our indirect, passive aggressive ways.

It's ingrained in our culture to feel awkward when matters are addressed directly, in a conversation that hasn't previously been obviously oppositional.

Despite this, as more detail has emerged about the incident, I can't help but feel that perhaps a direct approach was needed with this colleague after all...

@ZenNudist

I wouldn't give her any more head space. Carry on as normal. Be polite. She was in the wrong but it wasn't a big deal. It still isn't. She made some insensitive comments. Asking a woman who recently miscarried what her birth plan was 😵 sounds like she hasn't got two braincells to rub together.

She made it more of an issue by bringing up her own twattery with the manager. Manager spoke to you, you haven't been disciplined. Rise above it. Non issue raised by immature person, dealt with.

I'd change your attitude to it. You are not in the wrong. It was a legitimate point to ask her to change the subject. Asking someone to change the subject even if not in your circumstances, or even snapping once is not an issue. Bringing it up with manager was unnecessary. If she is still sulking, That's her issue. Just remind yourself she was in the wrong.

Exactly this. Keep calm and carry on. And very best of luck to you

@ThePlantsitter

For some reason she's decided to be the injured party in this despite the fact she was the insensitive one. I reckon the more conciliatory you are the more she's going to believe you were in the wrong, so while you don't have to be stroppy or rude you can be very matter of fact in your dealings with with her. Honestly, stay assertive and don't let her play the injured party any more - especially as you were prepared to let it drop! She needs to fuck off (to put it plainly).

Exactly.

And some people, like your colleague, OP, are very good at making themselves the victim. She should have more cop on, and should certainly not have run tale tattling to your manager. It would make me respect the manager a little less, also, for not shutting her down.

Be brisk and professional in all dealings with her from here on.

Not all women want to talk pregnancy and babies even when they are pregnant, not pregnant or hoping to ever get pregnant so it's perfectly reasonable to ask someone to change the subject when they keep banging on about it.
I would of asked to change the subject if she had been banging on about last nights football because I really don't like football. It's not rude at all. She was rude for going on about it.
I would just steer clear from now on. Keep it professional.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed?

Or maybe because of your sensitivity, it was more snappy than you intended. Unless you believe she made it all up to make trouble for you?

If you have to work with her, explain why you said what you did and that it wasn’t your intention to be rude.

I would of asked to change the subject if she had been banging on about last nights football because I really don't like football.

Would you, really? Or would you do what the rest of us do and just move the conversation on to another topic?

Thanks all,

I’m not British and from a country where the women especially are known for being a bit blunt/fiery/loud/no nonsense

Being seen as rude by the Brits is something I’m very conscious of. Its something my outside of work friends find very funny.

I really thought I was being reasonable in this case but sometimes do find it hard to tell how I might come across - if this had happened at home all the others would have stopped the conversation down three minutes in and called the woman a fool to her face haha

I’ve been there six/seven years and had no issues before, I really love my job and don’t want this one thing to spoil it

I would have a quiet word with my manager just to straighten things out, and so she doesn’t think you’re in the wrong.

Then just be professional but distant

If I was close to her and wanted to be friendly going forward I'd approach her and say "sorry if I seemed abrupt, it's just that we were talking a lot about babies when I had just had a miscarriage so found it hard to continue talking about it. Happy to have baby chat later down the line but I'm still grieving at the moment" or something like that. Hopefully she'll realise she was insensitive and thats why u seemed rude .

If you don't want to be friends with her just be cordial and carry on without addressing it

Wow. I cannot believe that you are doubting yourself and wondering if you should apologise!

She was bang out of order. She knows you have suffered losses, and regardless talks endlessly about her own pregnancy and then asks about your birthing plan. Come on now. That is so insensitive and inappropriate. You know it. She knows it. Your colleagues and any humans with half a brain know it. She should be ashamed. Also, going on about her husband's vasectomy I read as a bit of a dig "look how fertile we are" kind of thing. Uugh, she sounds vile.

Please don't try to build any bridges with this complete arsehole.

I fell pregnant when my friend was trying (she had been TTC for 10 months at this point), and I was very careful not to talk about it much, because I knew it was a sensitive topic. Luckily she did then get pregnant and was only 1 month behind me. Only then did we talk babies.

Sorry for your losses, it's very hard.

I’ve been there six/seven years and had no issues before, I really love my job and don’t want this one thing to spoil it
Well, you are not the issue here, she is. Don't let it spoil your job for you; let her crack on with feeling sour.

I'm with you OP. People bang on and on about their pregnancies in the office when:

• Child free by choice people literally don't give a fuck about your pregnancy

• Younger people who haven't decided if they want kids yet don't give a fuck either (I distinctly remember not caring in my 20s).

• People with kids will be bored with it- been there done that love

• People who are childless not by choice / who have had losses and people ttc at the moment will be upset by it.

Personally I just kept my mouth shut with mine unless asked a direct question like "when are you due" etc.

The conversation:

Her: … and I was thinking about X birth, but I had X before… they say X birth is great so I might do that this time - had you decided about birth plans, or was it too early for you to have thought about it?

Me: Im sorry I really don’t feel comfortable talking about that, you know, given what’s just happened. Can we go back to talking about Christmas plans?

I would admit if I had been snappy but I purposefully tried to be very tactful!