Petty falling out with pregnant colleague- what now?

[Jacarandamanda]

A colleague and myself have fallen out and I’m not sure what to do from here.

The last few years I have had several miscarriages, most recently early December at 13 weeks. A colleague in my department is pregnant currently.

This is fine, it’s not particularly bothered me and we are perfectly friendly, there’s been nothing bad until now (although I wouldn’t say we are close)

We were having a chat just before Christmas break and she was talking a lot about how she couldn’t believe they were having another baby when they already have a big family, had said definitely no more children and it was such a surprise she was pregnant because her husband had had a vasectomy but she must have been pregnant already without them knowing, all the adaptions to their lives to accommodate another child in the family..

This was ok but a bit difficult to listen to and after about 15 minutes when she directly asked me what I thought about something pregnancy related I politely asked if we could change the subject. I made sure to be polite because I didn’t want to come off as being bitchy (and didn’t want to be!) I just told her I was a little uncomfortable with that question but would love to know about her family xmas plans.

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course” and I thought she had just realised she’d been a bit insensitive and that was it. Maybe she was a little embarrassed but I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.

She then told our line manager (in conversation not formally) that I was snappy and out to make her feel bad and being really rude in the conversation. They obviously bought it up with me as a potential issue, but he was actually very understanding when we spoke.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed? I’m not saying don’t talk about the pregnancy at all but it was really going on and talking about things like birth plans which was just very hard for me - & I only replyed so directly because she asked me something directly. We were talking with another colleague who has also admitted to her that he found it a bit uncomfortable and “over sharey” but she said she understood guys maybe didn’t like talking about that stuff. I don’t want to ask other people at work because I don’t want to look like I’m stirring (or actually stir shit)

Anyway I thought it would blow over but now we are back after Christmas and she is still being quite sour and avoiding me

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong…

And yes she knows most of what’s gone on having covered my work for me! We take staggered lunch breaks too so sometimes it’s not easy to avoid her

Help!

Sorry for you losses OP, I am in the same boat with miscarriages.
Not only did this person speak extremely insensitively, she then went and whinged about you to you boss. What a backstabber!

Please do not try to make amends with her, treat this as a professional situation not a social one. Be cold and pleasant.
Rise above it and her. She has embarrassed herself twice with the awful pregnancy questions and the telling tales to the boss.

I really want to give her the benefit of doubt because I know what it’s like to say the wrong thing by accident and then be mortified you have offended someone. But whenever I’ve done that otherwise I’ve said sorry and we’ve got on with our lives

I think the difference is you are a normal human who realised your mistake, apologised and felt mortified. As far as we know she did none of those 3 things. Rather the opposite. I imagine her feeling of "i did nothing wrong" is why she is acting like this. If you apologise you are admitting she's in the right and her behaviour is justified...and it isnt.

OP do not doubt yourself. She is an idiot

@Lalliella

She’s an insensitive bitch. I was in your situation before I had kids, years of trying and 2 early losses, and a colleague who I thought was a friend fell pregnant easily and went on and on and on about it, even though she knew my situation. I used to dread going into work and counted the days till she left. I hated her by the end.

Your colleague has shown her true colours and isn’t worth bothering about. I’d be cool and polite to her, but just get on with your work and don’t engage with her. Sorry you are going through this OP.

Way over the top to label her like that. You not getting what you want doesn't mean you get to spoil it for others who wish to speak about a notable time in their life .

@Jacarandamanda

I really want to give her the benefit of doubt because I know what it’s like to say the wrong thing by accident and then be mortified you have offended someone

But whenever I’ve done that otherwise I’ve said sorry and we’ve got on with our lives

I haven’t done it at work as far as I know because I’m careful to be polite and “know my audience”

But If I did would never dream about going to the manager first just in case?

I think the initial conversation is a bit of a red herring. It was very thoughtless and insensitive and she was absolutely in the wrong, but nobody is perfect and I’m sure most of us have said something insensitive without realising, as if you’ve not been in the other persons position you might not realise. (My DS has a disability and I get stuff said ALL the time). I agree she probably wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt you.

The issue is how she’s reacted afterwards. She’s not apologised, if she’s even mortified for making such a mistake then instead of taking responsibility and learning from it, she’s gone on the defensive and tried to make out it was you in the wrong and even mentioned it to your manager, casual or not she has made out to others you were rude. And now she’s still making you uncomfortable.

Quite frankly even if you had been snappy and rude I think it would be perfectly justified!! She would still be the one in the wrong and needing to apologise.

I’m not really sure the way forward though, how uncomfortable is her behaviour now making you feel at work? If it’s affecting you then you might have to raise it with management. I wouldn’t go directly to her now given her reaction previously as she would just turn it back on you again.

If it’s the case that you are ok at work and can just carry on being civil with her and leave her to it then that’s fine too. But ultimately you have nothing to apologise or feel responsible for.

for you OP. I hope 2022 is a better year for you xx

I hate people who over share at work, whether it is about operations, or their personal lives, or pregnancy. I don't need to hear that stuff. I get you need to talk - that is what your friends are for.

Way over the top to label her like that. You not getting what you want doesn't mean you get to spoil it for others who wish to speak about a notable time in their life .

Only a similar type of person think this “over the top” label.

wow @RedHelenB or perhaps a bit of compassion would be nice ?

@ChargingBuck

However I'm very sorry to say that I think on this occasion you were maybe a tiny bit unreasonable

@ludocris by name, ludicrous by nature ...

Since when is it unreasonable to politely ask someone to change the subject?

Colleague knows damn well about OP's multiple MC's. Colleague is a selfish, goady bitch. Colleague knew she was in the wrong - hence running to management, so she could get in first with a claim of being the victim, in a classic DARVO move.

As I said up thread, having heard what question the woman asked the OP, I am more inclined to think that the OP was right to be direct. However, I still think that in most cases it's better to walk away from a conversation than to ask other people to change topic.

@Belladonna12 hard agree. Some people don't know what it's like to suffer. If you're offended by being politely asked to change the subject then god help you when you have a real problem.

There's a mechanism some people engage (if they aren't mature emotionally) known as "feel the feeling so I don't have to." When you pointed out, indirectly I know, but you flagged it up by your request to change the subject, that she was being insensitive she felt bad. Who had made her feel bad? You. Therefore you must be punished and by punishing you, the bad feels she was experiencing will go away. That's the weird mechanism of "feel the feeling so I don't have to."

Another skein of it might be recognised by someone who is undergoing major surgery if their spouse suddenly starts saying they are having heart pains and may need urgent attention. It'll be like "I hate feeling anxious about you going in for surgery and possibly dying. I feel compelled to turn it round on you, so you have to start worrying about me, then you will feel what I am feeling right now. Then I can relax."

My dad was terrible for this.

OP: firstly I would not be worried about the reserved, conservative Brits (oh, yes we are) thinking you are 'rude'. We are far too over-conditioned not to complain and to be polite and kind at all times, especially if we are female. These things often have a detrimental impact and don't necessarily involve being kind to ourselves.

Second, I've had five losses and know just how painful and emotive a subject that is. I'm sorry you've been through the same. On this occasion, I think it's a red herring. You are there to work, not to engage in endless conversation about people's boring personal lives. In my own workplace I don't give that sort of stuff any time or headspace whatsoever; nor, by the same token, would I ever engage in gossip about other colleagues. It's not my business and it's actually really tedious. Face it, in any circumstances who is interested in hearing about other people's birth plans?

Your colleague would find me exceptionally rude because should I have the misfortune to share office space with her, I'd use it to work and would sit there typing and with headphones on , tune her out, and simply not respond. I'd couch the above to your manager in those terms if its raised again. Any Line Manager would I'm sure be appreciative of someone who simply got on their work and behaved professionally rather than creating all these cross-currents with other colleagues.

Withdraw. On no account apologise: not everything is about your pregnant colleague and she sounds incredibly self-absorbed. Be polite. That's all that is needed.

I hope you are blessed with your rainbow baby very soon

Just because she’s pregnant doesn’t mean she isn’t a cow. Just be nice and cordial and look forward to her starting her maternity leave.

I’m sorry for your losses.

I’ve had three miscarriages so understand the gut wrenching pain it causes. I couldn’t even look at a baby or pregnant woman on a magazine cover in a shop for months and the sight of pregnant women was enough to make me want to run away.

You have been strong dealing with her endless conversations and I think she has been incredibly insensitive. I suspect she hasn’t had any miscarriages, people who haven’t don’t understand the pain they cause. I wouldn’t make any effort with her going forward personally.

I actually think good on you for being cute and changing the subject

Walking out could be deemed rude

You handled it well OP

Having read your update, I have no doubt she did this on purpose. Could she be jealous of you in some way? Also as pp said, please consider making an official complaint about her. She has deliberately made you uncomfortable in the worst way possible, tried to go behind your back and make you look bad to the person that is your manager and is now destroying the atmosphere with her horrible unprofessional attitude, making you again uncomfortable at work and indirectly reminding you of your losses again because that’s what made the initial conversation so difficult. You didn’t cause this. You don’t deserve this. She’s a bully.

@ludocris I wholeheartedly disagree.

I can't imagine for a second over sharing in this way in a professional setting to someone who had had multiple recent miscarriages. No way. And then to ask her a direct question about birth plans.

Why should OP have to leave a room? For her to not get the message and have to experience it again and again until she goes on may leave.

OP was polite but direct and tried to change the subject. That is good communication from OP.

@Lalliella

She’s an insensitive bitch. I was in your situation before I had kids, years of trying and 2 early losses, and a colleague who I thought was a friend fell pregnant easily and went on and on and on about it, even though she knew my situation. I used to dread going into work and counted the days till she left. I hated her by the end.

Your colleague has shown her true colours and isn’t worth bothering about. I’d be cool and polite to her, but just get on with your work and don’t engage with her. Sorry you are going through this OP.

This! People who haven’t been through it have no fvcking idea how painful it is. Tbh I wouldn’t have entertained ANY of the pregnancy chat - I also cannot stand the sight of pregnant wonen right now so would be avoiding her totally. YANBU at all and she sounds very self-centred indeed.

Way over the top to label her like that. You not getting what you want doesn't mean you get to spoil it for others who wish to speak about a notable time in their life

@RedHelenB Being pregnant and excited doesn't give you an empathy bypass.

Having my 2 dead babies was also a notable time in my life. I'm absolutely sure the OPs colleague wouldn't want to hear about it though. Or the aftermath, medically, which would also curl your toes. All of my 3 births would likely be classed as a horror story. It's why when people ask, I sanitise them, because it would upset them to hear what happened to me.

If the OPs colleague had any sense of compassion, she wouldn't be engaging OP in discussions about pregnancy and birth at the moment.

Does your manager know exactly how the conversation went

im surprised they didnt pick up on how insentive she was being-unless theyve had a word and thats why shes being funny still

[quote stmw123]@ludocris I wholeheartedly disagree.

I can't imagine for a second over sharing in this way in a professional setting to someone who had had multiple recent miscarriages. No way. And then to ask her a direct question about birth plans.

Why should OP have to leave a room? For her to not get the message and have to experience it again and again until she goes on may leave.

OP was polite but direct and tried to change the subject. That is good communication from OP. [/quote]
Because I think that if you're in a group discussion, and you aren't comfortable with the topic, it's better to remove yourself from the situation than to ask the group to change topic.

However, as I've repeatedly said now, the question the woman directly asked the OP about her own experience changes my view, and I think the direct response was appropriate.

@HeyFloof

Way over the top to label her like that. You not getting what you want doesn't mean you get to spoil it for others who wish to speak about a notable time in their life

@RedHelenB Being pregnant and excited doesn't give you an empathy bypass.

Having my 2 dead babies was also a notable time in my life. I'm absolutely sure the OPs colleague wouldn't want to hear about it though. Or the aftermath, medically, which would also curl your toes. All of my 3 births would likely be classed as a horror story. It's why when people ask, I sanitise them, because it would upset them to hear what happened to me.

If the OPs colleague had any sense of compassion, she wouldn't be engaging OP in discussions about pregnancy and birth at the moment.

If you had wished to speak of them then yes, I would have wanted to hear about them.

God I feel a bit triggered by this post. Why is it pregnant women cannot deal with people who have suffered loss or infertility. I have unexplained fertility and have been happy for friends and family who have got pregnant / had children. But I always feel like whenever I've felt sad about my own sitiation or just needed to not talk about certain things at certain times it causes such offence. Like me being infertile doesn't mean I'm not happy for them. Why can't they be happy for themselves but considerate to others. It just comes off as spoilt and bratty.

@Jacarandamanda

The conversation:

Her: … and I was thinking about X birth, but I had X before… they say X birth is great so I might do that this time - had you decided about birth plans, or was it too early for you to have thought about it?

Me: Im sorry I really don’t feel comfortable talking about that, you know, given what’s just happened. Can we go back to talking about Christmas plans?

I would admit if I had been snappy but I purposefully tried to be very tactful!

I'd be putting this on the record with manager.

Oh OP I really feel for you. Just coz she's pregnant you don't have to tip toe around her. Pregnant people are only pregnant for 9ish months then they are just people again. She was being insensitive and you tried to tell her that politely. Just be civil to her but don't engage much more.