Petty falling out with pregnant colleague- what now?

[Jacarandamanda]

A colleague and myself have fallen out and I’m not sure what to do from here.

The last few years I have had several miscarriages, most recently early December at 13 weeks. A colleague in my department is pregnant currently.

This is fine, it’s not particularly bothered me and we are perfectly friendly, there’s been nothing bad until now (although I wouldn’t say we are close)

We were having a chat just before Christmas break and she was talking a lot about how she couldn’t believe they were having another baby when they already have a big family, had said definitely no more children and it was such a surprise she was pregnant because her husband had had a vasectomy but she must have been pregnant already without them knowing, all the adaptions to their lives to accommodate another child in the family..

This was ok but a bit difficult to listen to and after about 15 minutes when she directly asked me what I thought about something pregnancy related I politely asked if we could change the subject. I made sure to be polite because I didn’t want to come off as being bitchy (and didn’t want to be!) I just told her I was a little uncomfortable with that question but would love to know about her family xmas plans.

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course” and I thought she had just realised she’d been a bit insensitive and that was it. Maybe she was a little embarrassed but I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.

She then told our line manager (in conversation not formally) that I was snappy and out to make her feel bad and being really rude in the conversation. They obviously bought it up with me as a potential issue, but he was actually very understanding when we spoke.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed? I’m not saying don’t talk about the pregnancy at all but it was really going on and talking about things like birth plans which was just very hard for me - & I only replyed so directly because she asked me something directly. We were talking with another colleague who has also admitted to her that he found it a bit uncomfortable and “over sharey” but she said she understood guys maybe didn’t like talking about that stuff. I don’t want to ask other people at work because I don’t want to look like I’m stirring (or actually stir shit)

Anyway I thought it would blow over but now we are back after Christmas and she is still being quite sour and avoiding me

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong…

And yes she knows most of what’s gone on having covered my work for me! We take staggered lunch breaks too so sometimes it’s not easy to avoid her

Help!

Well she sounds absolutely self centred and insensitive. Not to mention a bit of a stirrer as she's gone to your manager.

Be polite, but distant. I get that lunch is an issue though and it must be a bit of an atmosphere. But she's creating it, not you. Sounds like one of those people who will stir things up, act like the injured party and then get everyone running around after them trying to sort it out and make her feel better/centre of attention. You can't fix that - you did absolutely nothing wrong and don't dance to her tune.

Having read your update, I'm absolutely disgusted by what she said to you and rather than ignoring this, I think you should make a formal complaint.

I didn’t need to read your update. She knew you had miscarried and was wittering on to you about her pregnancy.

She’s a bitch. Ignore her.

She sounds very insensitive and over-shared a lot with you and others. Do you have a HR department who could speak to her? But I'd bring it up with your manager too.

Sorry for your losses by the way.

I think, on balance, she's just an insensitive dickhead.

@LadyPropane

Having read your update, I'm absolutely disgusted by what she said to you and rather than ignoring this, I think you should make a formal complaint.

@LadyPropane - definitely a formal complaint. This woman knows exactly what she's asking and also knows what has happened re the OP's situation. Very upsetting for OP.

I agree that she was monumentally stupid to ask that question, but, just to play devil’s advocate, could she have been trying to make sure and ‘include’ you in the conversation and not ‘other’ you as someone who couldn’t join in discussions around childbirth? As in, she (incorrectly) thought that including you in the conversation was the right thing to do given your situation as it meant she was working on the assumption that birth plans will be something you need to concern yourself with in the future as opposed to ‘oh I can’t talk to her about those as she’s permanently childless’? Trying to consider you as another one of the mums type thing? I dunno, I’m probably clutching at straws. Obviously it was totally insensitive but I just mean she might have misguidedly been trying to do the right thing. Either way though, I don’t know why she had to go and bitch about the conversation to someone else, that was completely unnecessary. She’s obviously a compulsive oversharer which is a difficult person to get along with if you’re naturally very private.

She’s an arsehole.

OP you’ve done nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel awkward, embarrassed or ashamed of.

She has. So if anyone should be feeling bad it is her.

No one else in the office is going to care about her pregnancy as much as she does and if they knew the stupid, insensitive questions she’d been asking you, following your own pregnancy loss they would no doubt be appalled also.

Please do not let this idiotic woman make you anxious or worried about work. I know it’s hard but just keep it polite but distant.
You don’t need to have in-depth conversations with her.

If it helps - I would have gone to town with her if I were in your shoes, you were very diplomatic and calm, all things considered

Bloody hell, what a mean spiteful thing for her to do. Even if you don't know someone's history you never ask unless the other woman brings it up
I'm so sorry for your loss but she was purposely rude and you are being overly generous about her
Don't you dare apologise to her, I would find it difficult to be around someone who thought behaving like that was acceptable and then complain? Jesus...

@Phrowzunn

I agree that she was monumentally stupid to ask that question, but, just to play devil’s advocate, could she have been trying to make sure and ‘include’ you in the conversation and not ‘other’ you as someone who couldn’t join in discussions around childbirth? As in, she (incorrectly) thought that including you in the conversation was the right thing to do given your situation as it meant she was working on the assumption that birth plans will be something you need to concern yourself with in the future as opposed to ‘oh I can’t talk to her about those as she’s permanently childless’? Trying to consider you as another one of the mums type thing? I dunno, I’m probably clutching at straws. Obviously it was totally insensitive but I just mean she might have misguidedly been trying to do the right thing. Either way though, I don’t know why she had to go and bitch about the conversation to someone else, that was completely unnecessary. She’s obviously a compulsive oversharer which is a difficult person to get along with if you’re naturally very private.

You’re gonna pull your back out overreaching like that

That’s some serious clutching.

Even if she was this stupid and emotionally inept to think inclusion in birth stories to someone who lost their own baby is appropriate- why wouldn’t she be the one who is mortified and awkward and not the OP.

Should I try and make amends further?

NO - do NOT do this.

If you do, your colleague won't see it as an olive branch.
She will see it as capitulation, & will start taunting you about her pregnancy again.

That is what she was doing when she banged on at you for 15 minutes. FFS - who tells a woman who has suffered serial MC's all about how they already have multiple children so don't need more, but oh, ooops despite a vasectomy she is pregnant again?

It was a deliberate piece of cruelty - a power play.
If you show her one iota of what she will see as submission, she will start up again. She's obviously a stupid & insensitive bitch. Maybe she's also insecure, so needed to parade her fecundity at you in order to feel powerful.

You did nothing wrong in politely asking her to change the subject - you even offered her an 'out' by asking her to tell you her xmas plans. That she then chose to go running to teacher management about that shows how immature & self-centred she is.

Besides - why is she spending 15 minutes of company time rattling on about her personal life - has she no work to do?

I think you should avoid her when possible, & make an effort to be professional but breezy with her when you have to interact. And I am very sorry about your loss

She sounds completely unreasonable and totally TMI.

For what it's worth, I'm currently almost 33 weeks pregnant and haven't even told my colleagues yet, just my managers ( I work from home) 😁

I think I'm the complete opposite to your colleague.

I'd just ignore her, who has time to make a complaint just because a colleague asked to change the subject?

You were completely reasonable and polite in your request, don't let it get you down.

I'm sorry for your losses 💐

@Phrowzunn

I agree that she was monumentally stupid to ask that question, but, just to play devil’s advocate, could she have been trying to make sure and ‘include’ you in the conversation and not ‘other’ you as someone who couldn’t join in discussions around childbirth? As in, she (incorrectly) thought that including you in the conversation was the right thing to do given your situation as it meant she was working on the assumption that birth plans will be something you need to concern yourself with in the future as opposed to ‘oh I can’t talk to her about those as she’s permanently childless’? Trying to consider you as another one of the mums type thing? I dunno, I’m probably clutching at straws. Obviously it was totally insensitive but I just mean she might have misguidedly been trying to do the right thing. Either way though, I don’t know why she had to go and bitch about the conversation to someone else, that was completely unnecessary. She’s obviously a compulsive oversharer which is a difficult person to get along with if you’re naturally very private.

This is actually what I thought too - I think she is maybe just a bit carried away and was involving me (although it was ill judged) in the conversation

But then why not just leave it at that when I said don’t worry? She can’t think much of me if she felt she needed to get in first to the line manager in case I complained - that’s the bit that confuses/annoys me

It doesn’t need to be a drama but I feel like she’s made it that way AND made it all about her even more

However I'm very sorry to say that I think on this occasion you were maybe a tiny bit unreasonable

@ludocris by name, ludicrous by nature ...

Since when is it unreasonable to politely ask someone to change the subject?

Colleague knows damn well about OP's multiple MC's. Colleague is a selfish, goady bitch. Colleague knew she was in the wrong - hence running to management, so she could get in first with a claim of being the victim, in a classic DARVO move.

(YANBU) OP, to get the full picture can you continue the conversation? You say multiple times it basically ended at you asking to change the conversation, her doing a shocked face and saying of course. But then you added....

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course”
I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.
I tried to be gracious and say “don’t worry, it’s fine” kind of thing and we carried on the conversation from there so I thought we were all good

so after asking to change the subject, she didn't apologise. She said ok. You then told her you dont want to feel bad and it was fine. But she didnt feel bad I assume, or she would have apologised. So to her she did absolutely nothing wrong (and you were being over sensitive) and you then told her it was fine, therefore excusing her behaviour. which she had not apologised for in the first place.

I imagine she feels she was innocently chatting on and you embarrassed her in front of a colleague and then told her that her behaviour was fine and that you did not want her to feel bad about it, when she had not apologised and clearly did not feel bad about it. You very quickly asserted that she was the wrong one in the scenario, when she did not feel she was. You then told her how you want her to feel about you stopping a conversation she was innocently having that she did not see the harm in, or apologise for.

YANBU, she was 100% in the wrong and was being extremely insensitive and offensive by asking about your birth plan.

Op if she is actually making it difficult for you to work then I would seriously consider making a complaint against her. What she asked you knowing that you had a loss was really so out of order that I don't think it would be acceptable in the work place or anywhere. Don't feel sorry for her because she is pregnant, and don't look to get on her good side. She has been the horrible one here.

She sounds incredibly insensitive and bitchy. Most people know not to go on and on about their pregnancy to someone who has had recent miscarriages. I think she spoke to your manager to try and cover her tracks. I had several miscarriages myself many years ago and worked with someone like your colleague so know what it's like. Even if you were rude she deserved it in my opinion. Do not apologise as she is in the wrong.

She’s obviously a compulsive oversharer which is a difficult person to get along with if you’re naturally very private.

Being ‘naturally private’ is neither here nor there. Extrovert over sharers can also find some subjects very distressing.

The problem is not the OP, but the colleague who appears to lack empathy and the ability to listen.

I read your update.. So she knew you had a miscarriage! In this case I would go to HR as it looks like she has done it deliberately to harras and upset you. Really.. She is a bitch and you should stand up for yourself

OP you did nothing wrong

She was completely insensitive

I really want to give her the benefit of doubt because I know what it’s like to say the wrong thing by accident and then be mortified you have offended someone

But whenever I’ve done that otherwise I’ve said sorry and we’ve got on with our lives

I haven’t done it at work as far as I know because I’m careful to be polite and “know my audience”

But If I did would never dream about going to the manager first just in case?

She sounds a bit inconsiderate. Don’t worry, you did nothing wrong. I think you acted rather gracefully. I hope it all blows over soon,

This woman sounds not only insensitive but also rather stupid.

Also, if someone is discussing something non-work related at work then they really need to be pretty careful about their subject matter!

@Jacarandamanda

The conversation:

Her: … and I was thinking about X birth, but I had X before… they say X birth is great so I might do that this time - had you decided about birth plans, or was it too early for you to have thought about it?

Me: Im sorry I really don’t feel comfortable talking about that, you know, given what’s just happened. Can we go back to talking about Christmas plans?

I would admit if I had been snappy but I purposefully tried to be very tactful!

OMG I didn't see this post before! Unbelievable!! Did you tell your line manager that this was the conversation?! She is 100% in the wrong.

Firstly I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you are healing and getting through things the best you can.

I think a lot of people who haven't experienced loss can be quite (often unintentionally) insensitive on the topic. For me personally, until I experienced it it honestly wasn't even something that crossed my mind and I've no doubt that I've probably said something at some point which was nsensitive.

I'm pregnant now after a loss last year and I'm hyper aware of what I say and "put out there". I didn't announce on social media as seeing scan photos or positive tests online after my loss was like being punched in the gut after a loss and I didn't want to cause that to someone else. I'm also very careful about the topic around other people and often wait for them to bring up the topic of pregnancy/fertility as you just don't know what others have been though.

Your colleague has been very insensitive and her not putting two and two together before complaining that you were rude says a lot about her.