Petty falling out with pregnant colleague- what now?

[Jacarandamanda]

A colleague and myself have fallen out and I’m not sure what to do from here.

The last few years I have had several miscarriages, most recently early December at 13 weeks. A colleague in my department is pregnant currently.

This is fine, it’s not particularly bothered me and we are perfectly friendly, there’s been nothing bad until now (although I wouldn’t say we are close)

We were having a chat just before Christmas break and she was talking a lot about how she couldn’t believe they were having another baby when they already have a big family, had said definitely no more children and it was such a surprise she was pregnant because her husband had had a vasectomy but she must have been pregnant already without them knowing, all the adaptions to their lives to accommodate another child in the family..

This was ok but a bit difficult to listen to and after about 15 minutes when she directly asked me what I thought about something pregnancy related I politely asked if we could change the subject. I made sure to be polite because I didn’t want to come off as being bitchy (and didn’t want to be!) I just told her I was a little uncomfortable with that question but would love to know about her family xmas plans.

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course” and I thought she had just realised she’d been a bit insensitive and that was it. Maybe she was a little embarrassed but I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.

She then told our line manager (in conversation not formally) that I was snappy and out to make her feel bad and being really rude in the conversation. They obviously bought it up with me as a potential issue, but he was actually very understanding when we spoke.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed? I’m not saying don’t talk about the pregnancy at all but it was really going on and talking about things like birth plans which was just very hard for me - & I only replyed so directly because she asked me something directly. We were talking with another colleague who has also admitted to her that he found it a bit uncomfortable and “over sharey” but she said she understood guys maybe didn’t like talking about that stuff. I don’t want to ask other people at work because I don’t want to look like I’m stirring (or actually stir shit)

Anyway I thought it would blow over but now we are back after Christmas and she is still being quite sour and avoiding me

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong…

And yes she knows most of what’s gone on having covered my work for me! We take staggered lunch breaks too so sometimes it’s not easy to avoid her

Help!

@Jacarandamanda

I would have just left previously however we only have one lunch room and there was only three of us in there talking

I thought just leaving would make me look stroppy or like I was trying to kick up a drama as it would have been a bit obvious? I didn’t expect her to be thinking of me before her own experience (most people don’t me included, sometimes I put my foot in it too) but she had been talking about herself for along time by anyone’s standards

I tried to be gracious and say “don’t worry, it’s fine” kind of thing and we carried on the conversation from there so I thought we were all good

And it wasn’t like she wasn’t thinking of me at all in regards to having been pregnant because she asked me what I had wanted for my birth plan/if I had thought about it before

As I said, I think she would definitely have got the message if you'd left the conversation, but that would still have been the lesser of two evils IMO. At least that way you're taking yourself away and letting them carry on the discussion rather than try to change the topic for all three of you.

That said, the question she asked of you does sound really quite insensitive.

On balance I would still give the same advice, as it makes you the bigger person. You could even say something along the lines of 'I find it difficult to engage in detailed discussions about pregnancy, especially my own experiences...' because that does make the point about her thoughtless question.

I wouldn't try and make amends further, I think she wants you to be sorry forever
Be polite, pleasant and brief.
She will get over herself or she won't.

I hope in her position I would be a little more considerate and humble.

Good luck OP.

She asked if you'd had birth plans knowing that you had had a miscarriage? Who does that?

Intrusive & insensitive.

She is covering for her own terrible conversation - and rather than recognise her own culpability she's throwing it back at you.

Don't apologise any more. You've been polite. Just stick to professional chat and wait it out.

I agree with Aquamarine. "I wouldn't give her another thought, personally. Be polite and professional and don't worry about it. She can be a twat if she wants to, and you reserve the right to ignore her."

She sounds monumentally insensitive and to report you for a private non-related work conversation where you were polite is awful.

I had a similar falling out with an actual friend about a similar thing. We made up. Your colleague is just a rude and insensitive person. Just be professional and carry on.

I really hope you will be successful in having that longed for baby. {thanks}

She sounds like a nightmare. She's been utterly insensitive and deep down she knows that but can't deal with that knowledge so is projecting all the bad feelings on to you. You could do as ludocris suggests and defuse the situation, or you can just write her off. It depends how magnanimous you are, and how much you prefer an easy life.

Quite strange that she reported it, given that it doesn't exactly show her in the best light. Ignore her.

She asked you directly if you had a birth plan? Bloody hell OP, I think you did very well to remain polite. If I'd been asked that so soon after my loss, she'd have got a Paddington Bear hard stare and the reply "yes, it involved having a full-term baby" just to drive home the point she was being f-ing insensitive.

I thought perhaps she was an over-excited first-time mum but just seen this is not the case. I think I'd take her to one side, apologise if she found you snippy (ie a fake apology) but after multiple losses, you found her question incredibly insensitive.

OP i am so sorry she asked you that. I do not think you have anything at all to be apologetic for. "Can we change the subject?" Is one question it is fine to ask. Birth plans for a women with recent pregnancy loss is not a question anyone should ask!

ludocris the Op did not embarrass her colleague, she embarrassed herself by speaking at length about pregnancy to someone she knew had experienced pregnancy loss.

" but the last thing I would want is to make you feel bad for talking about your experience' This woman was not just talking about her own experience, she asked the OP a question. That is quite different.

You're saying that you were honest but polite and kindly too. So what would you be apologising for? It might well be that she's sensitive and feels snubbed but you gave her no reason to feel like that. You've said you've no interest in being friends with her so just be professional and communicate exactly as you normally would. It's hard to keep up frostiness in a friendly office so I'm sure it'll blow over. Do not discuss it with other people - no good can come from that. They will see the truth and no one likes to be forced to pick a side.

I think she was just a bit carried away with the conversation talking about pregnancy with another lady she maybe just felt comfortable to ask that?

I’m wondering if she looked shocked when I bring it up because she realised she had gone too far and was worried she could get in trouble? Perhaps why she mentioned to our manager?

We generally have quite a jolly work environment so yes, maybe she will find it hard to keep up without coming over as unreasonable

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt because I thought there is a possibility you may be understandably sensitive, but after you told us what she said, there is no way. That question was completely insensitive and thoughtless and you handled it well.

And you are now acting very graciously to only care about keeping relationships smooth.

Be polite with her, and either she’ll calm down or she’ll be in a strop for a while. Either way, you are not in the wrong so you do what makes you comfortable.

OMG she sounds awful! I think she is selfish, obtuse and unkind. Your take on it - if anything - has been far too understanding towards her! Who the hell asks that in that context?! What an utter knob.

I think she is still treating you badly because your perfectly reasonable response highlighted her jaw-dropping self-obsession.

It would be good if you could ignore her completely, showing the same disdain for her feelings as she has shown yours. However you come across as a caring and thoughtful person so I doubt you can do that. Plus I guess you have to be professional. But please try not to give her any more headspace than she has already claimed; she is absolutely not worth it.

You have 2 options IMO

1. Ignore it and just show that you're not upset by smiling and being your normal chatty self
2. Request some sort of mediation/conversation to clear the air

#2 depends what kind of person she is, and whether she's likely to think "oh, I feel so bad" or "well, get over it". I would say something like:

"I'm really happy for you that you're pregnant and I don't want you to think I'm upset with you for simply being pregnant. In our conversation at the end of December I didn't intend for you to think I was being snippy however I was not comfortable with your questions about a baby I had recently lost so I was only trying to change the subject. Clearly you thought I was being snippy when I was only trying to be kind, so do you think there is a better way for me to ask to change the subject in the future? Perhaps we can avoid the topic of pregnancy altogether for the time being?"

I'd personally just go with option 1 b/c she's the one with the problem and other will see that/know that.

@WhatsitWiggle

She asked you directly if you had a birth plan? Bloody hell OP, I think you did very well to remain polite. If I'd been asked that so soon after my loss, she'd have got a Paddington Bear hard stare and the reply "yes, it involved having a full-term baby" just to drive home the point she was being f-ing insensitive.

I thought perhaps she was an over-excited first-time mum but just seen this is not the case. I think I'd take her to one side, apologise if she found you snippy (ie a fake apology) but after multiple losses, you found her question incredibly insensitive.

Copy this.

I've got the T-shirt too unfortunately but all turned out well for me in the end.

Your colleague is a absolute f**kwit. She has been monumentally insensitive and then Instead of grovelling to you she reported it a manager!! Who is that stupid? You have been amazingly composed.

I'd be polite and professional - which doesn't sound like it would be a problem for you but there's no way on earth I'd apologise to her.

I'm very sorry for your losses and all the best in the future.

YANBU at all OP. How horribly insensitive of her to dare ask you about your birth plan after you suffered a loss which she knew about. You have nothing to apologise for, she should be the one apologising to you. Just remain civil and polite, let her have a sour face about it, will only reflect badly on her at the end of the day.

Maybe she's being standoffish because she thinks you're annoyed with her and she's anxious? Do something nice for her without it being obvious. Then she'll know there are no hard feelings on your side. If there are some on hers, well, they'll just make her miserable and she'll see the pointlessness of holding a grudge. Trust me, everyone in the office will know what's what.

She is being rude I'm pregnant and have close friend that can't have children that want to and they are happy to check I'm ok but I'm not going into the ins and outs of all pregnancy choices with them. It's just rude. I get they care and don't want anything bad to happen to me but they have their own grief going on right now. So many women that find getting pregnant easily just don't get this.

@JessieLongleg you sound like such a considerate friend 😭❤️

Sounds like she's made a huge drama over absolutely nothing.

Just try your best to ignore her and carry on as normal. I'm sure other people will have noticed her being a bit precious and will be aware of what she's like.

She’s being insensitive and frankly, reporting you for being snappy when all you did was ask to change what is a triggering subject for you after listening politely for 15 minutes to her going on about it, sounds like a form of bullying to me. If I were her, I would have been absolutely mortified to have upset you about this, apologized and made sure it wouldn’t happen again. But instead, she choose to confront you with the subject again by trying to make you doubt yourself and your completely justified feelings about this and report you to your manager . I personally have never suffered any pregnancy losses but I feel very sorry for you that you were treated in this matter. Being pregnant is not an excuse to be a bully and I say that as a mother. If I were you, I would remain distant, never discuss anything other then work with her, be very polite and the moment she tries to involve you in a conversation that is anything else then work related, politely excuse yourself and walk away. And report her to your manager or HR if she doesn’t respect that.

The thing that just astonished me was that it didn’t seem like an issue at the time? She just accepted what I said and we carried on talking

To hear she had spoken to the line manager about it was a shock

They made it out like it just came up in conversation (we have a really good relationship with our LM) but now I wonder if she went to him on purpose

Agree with PPs - your colleague is a massively insensitive twat. I lost a baby at 17 weeks in 2020 if anyone had asked me a question like that in the context of their own pregnancy, I would have been furious! You have been very calm and gracious. I am not sure I could have managed that myself.

You don’t owe her anything and if she keeps up the shitty behaviour, your manager should really be dealing with it.

I’m sorry for your losses. I’ve been there many times and it’s really tough

Don't overthink the situation!! If they said it came up casually, it probably did and if it didn't, so what. YOU'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!
Maybe your LM was sussing you out to make sure you weren't too upset. Who knows? We're just guessing now and trying to ascribe feelings and intentions when we just don't know. Just be your usual friendly self and it will pass.

@Jacarandamanda

The thing that just astonished me was that it didn’t seem like an issue at the time? She just accepted what I said and we carried on talking

To hear she had spoken to the line manager about it was a shock

They made it out like it just came up in conversation (we have a really good relationship with our LM) but now I wonder if she went to him on purpose

She was 100% shitting herself that you’d make a complaint.

That would get my back up, as if the rest of her behaviour wasn’t bad enough.

What did your manager say to you?