Petty falling out with pregnant colleague- what now?

[Jacarandamanda]

A colleague and myself have fallen out and I’m not sure what to do from here.

The last few years I have had several miscarriages, most recently early December at 13 weeks. A colleague in my department is pregnant currently.

This is fine, it’s not particularly bothered me and we are perfectly friendly, there’s been nothing bad until now (although I wouldn’t say we are close)

We were having a chat just before Christmas break and she was talking a lot about how she couldn’t believe they were having another baby when they already have a big family, had said definitely no more children and it was such a surprise she was pregnant because her husband had had a vasectomy but she must have been pregnant already without them knowing, all the adaptions to their lives to accommodate another child in the family..

This was ok but a bit difficult to listen to and after about 15 minutes when she directly asked me what I thought about something pregnancy related I politely asked if we could change the subject. I made sure to be polite because I didn’t want to come off as being bitchy (and didn’t want to be!) I just told her I was a little uncomfortable with that question but would love to know about her family xmas plans.

She sort of did a shocked face and said “oh of course” and I thought she had just realised she’d been a bit insensitive and that was it. Maybe she was a little embarrassed but I said I didn’t want her to feel bad at all.

She then told our line manager (in conversation not formally) that I was snappy and out to make her feel bad and being really rude in the conversation. They obviously bought it up with me as a potential issue, but he was actually very understanding when we spoke.

I really don’t think I was rude, maybe she is just being a bit defensive because she is a bit embarrassed? I’m not saying don’t talk about the pregnancy at all but it was really going on and talking about things like birth plans which was just very hard for me - & I only replyed so directly because she asked me something directly. We were talking with another colleague who has also admitted to her that he found it a bit uncomfortable and “over sharey” but she said she understood guys maybe didn’t like talking about that stuff. I don’t want to ask other people at work because I don’t want to look like I’m stirring (or actually stir shit)

Anyway I thought it would blow over but now we are back after Christmas and she is still being quite sour and avoiding me

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong…

And yes she knows most of what’s gone on having covered my work for me! We take staggered lunch breaks too so sometimes it’s not easy to avoid her

Help!

I think the line manager needs to have a word with her.

If she is like this with you, she is probably difficult with others too.

It sounds as though you did as much as could be expected when you had your original conversation.

Perhaps she has problems with empathy - some people just lack imagination and need more life experience to put themselves in other people’s shoes.

However, even if she can’t quite get what you are going through, she needs to understand that even if she hurts someone unintentionally she just needs to listen when they ask her to stop.

She sounds like a drama llama. I suspect your manager went back to her and told her to stop forcing her colleagues to have unwanted personal conversations, especially if your other colleague also felt uncomfortable.

I'd leave it. Be cordial and professional and no more.

I think your colleague is an insensitive cow. Nobody should be banging on about their pregnancy in the presence of somebody who has had a recent miscarriage and, as for her question about your birth plan, words simply fail me. I would have thought any other colleagues would have been equally aghast.

Being unconfrontational, I was thinking maybe I would have just 'gone to the loo' but knowing what she said puts a whole different spin of it. She was rude and insensitive and she absolutely 'got in first' by speaking to the line manager.

Even if it was just a clumsy, ill advised comment at the time, going to the line manager and saying you were 'rude and snappy' was incredibly bitchy. I would be furious with her - I actually think you're being very magnanimous about this, much more than I would be!!

And yes, she's definitely been told she was in the wrong, and that's why she's giving you the silent treatment. She sounds extremely unpleasant.

I think maybe your LM pulled her aside and told her off, and she is embarrassed and hence being cool with you. I would just act completely oblivious and let her behave like a child; it will only reflect badly on her.
I know it isn't easy but she has created this issue so please don't feel responsible or like it's up to you to make amends.
I'm so very sorry you lost your babies and I hope that things go well for you xx

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady
You aren't. The pregnant lady is being mean to the woman who has suffered several miscarriages.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and you were polite in asking. It i was your colleague I'd apologise immediately to you for my insensitivity.
Do not try and make amends, leave her to it.

I think ''Can we change the subject?'' is a really reasonable request. I cannot believe she went to your line manager.

As hard as it is, what you said about not wanting an actual friendship with her is key. That should make it possible to act gracious. Act insouciant. Act breezy, keep it up until all that's left of this falling out is her acting sour.

xx

Wow, insensitive isn’t the word. I can’t believe anyone would ask you what your birth plan was for a baby she knew you had lost. There’s no way I’d be apologising and if she had any decency she would apologise for being so insensitive - whether she meant to be or not. Anyone with any kind of sense knows that’s incredibly insensitive

Perhaps having realised she made a terrible error in judgment during that conversation she isn't being frosty now. It just feels that way because she has gone from oversharing and being inappropriate to consciously not doing so and therefore it feels like she is being frosty because she is self regulating but too far?

I wouldn't give her any more head space. Carry on as normal. Be polite. She was in the wrong but it wasn't a big deal. It still isn't. She made some insensitive comments. Asking a woman who recently miscarried what her birth plan was 😵 sounds like she hasn't got two braincells to rub together.

She made it more of an issue by bringing up her own twattery with the manager. Manager spoke to you, you haven't been disciplined. Rise above it. Non issue raised by immature person, dealt with.

I'd change your attitude to it. You are not in the wrong. It was a legitimate point to ask her to change the subject. Asking someone to change the subject even if not in your circumstances, or even snapping once is not an issue. Bringing it up with manager was unnecessary. If she is still sulking, That's her issue. Just remind yourself she was in the wrong.

I agree with your conclusion that she's gaslighting you now to avoid her own embarrassment or self-reflection.

I cannot imagine what your line manager must have thought. Nobody is obliged to talk about anything non-work related surely?

If I went to any sane line manager and said 'sarah won't talk to me about chess. I keep bringing up chess and she said ''can we change the subject please'' then I think most line managers would say ''well, change the subject I guess''.

She's embarrassed now so has to cast you in the role of her adversary.

This nonsense is incredibly common unfortunately.

Wow, she is utterly self absorbed! What she asked is out of order by most peoples standards, dry insensitive and I’d never ask questions like that unless it was a two sided conversation out of work.

I think going forward you have to act as though it never happened, don’t be over friendly to her but act as though you don’t remember the conversation, I’d be tempted to update the manager but that brings its own issues too I guess.

She sounds like a terrible person and I don’t buy her act, she knew exactly what she was doing.

Who talks about their multiple children to someone who has had several miscarriages and then compounds it by asking them about their birth plan?!

Ignore the twat and don’t speak to her. She wants you to run around after her.

I hope you don’t contribute to baby presents/cards? If you do, stop.

@WhatsitWiggle

She asked you directly if you had a birth plan? Bloody hell OP, I think you did very well to remain polite. If I'd been asked that so soon after my loss, she'd have got a Paddington Bear hard stare and the reply "yes, it involved having a full-term baby" just to drive home the point she was being f-ing insensitive.

I thought perhaps she was an over-excited first-time mum but just seen this is not the case. I think I'd take her to one side, apologise if she found you snippy (ie a fake apology) but after multiple losses, you found her question incredibly insensitive.

Yup. She'd have got a very detailed account of both of my second trimester birth/death stories of both my poorly babies. And their funerals probably

And then my MMC. And my chemical pregnancy.

I have an older child, but if she knows you don't, she wasn't asking you about that, she's an insensitive bellend.

Be cordial and civil but don't make any special attempts to be friendly with her.

Ouch. What a selfish, insensitive person. Talking about birth plans at work? Asking you about yours? Wow. No wonder you were upset.

You did nothing wrong. Glad you have a supportive manager.

💐

You can't easily avoid her, but don't get drawn in to talking about non-work matters. Just say you don't want to talk about things outside of work.

Should I try and make amends further? I don’t want to be the person who looks like they are being mean to the pregnant lady. But at the same time I don’t think I’m in the wrong

The problem with you trying to make amends is that it just feeds into her narrative that she is the wronged party and you are the stroppy one. You really don't want that. I agree with PP - she got in a pre-emptive strike by mentioning it to your line manager and she's thoroughly untrustworthy. Just grey rock her. Don't give her anything to react to. Be polite and professional. Asking someone who you know has had a miscarriage about what their birth plans were is one of the most insensitive things I've come across. When she tries to twist things, keep that at the forefront of your mind.

I think I would flag up with your LM that she is being awkward. Just so that he knows.

Given that she knows about your history, I think her question was very insensitive.
And she was super-touchy and oversensitive (ironically) to treat your polite request as a line manager issue.
Fuck her. Rise above it. Be professional and breezy. She can be as sour as she wants.

Put it out of your head.
I'd break the the ice by starting a lighter conversation and move on without any apology.
It's not worth the stress ignoring each other.

She's showing a real lack of maturity here. She's been told kindly that her questioning was uncomfortable for you and instead of apologising she has turned it on you.

I really hate the whole British way of not saying things, as a poster has suggested above. It's producing a society with no resilience, as people, such as your colleague, don't learn to deal with these situations when they come up.

As others have said, carry on as normal. Least said soonest mended.

People like her who go on and on about pregnancy and personal stuff at work are boring as fuck, self absorbed and completely lacking in empathy and self-awareness. Also, reporting to your manager - WFT?! Totally unprofessional.

Would you say she is more focussed on what’s going on in her personal life than her job? Does she take her work seriously? Is she otherwise professional?