Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

Mistakes, not misgivings

Maybe it’s her coping mechanism. It must be hard to be a long way away from your children and grandchildren and if you are prone to finding things stressful as you say they seem to do, then perhaps she feels helpless and useless, so it’s maybe easier just to not engage with your problems. If she doesn’t think about them, then they are not there. Aka head in sand.

@HardbackWriter no I dont think young adults are spoilt, lazy and ungrateful at all. But I do think they complain more. I wonder if it is related to the focus on mental health and talking about your stresses?

It might be worth just straight out asking her? Next time you send a text and it goes unanswered just follow it up the next day and ask why it's been ignored.

I think many parents feel rejected by their adult children when those children don't 'need' them anymore. They take it as a crushing blow instead of being immensely proud of the job they've done and I think it's because they associate being needed as being loved. Our young children need us and we receive that as a type of all encompassing unconditional love. So when you stop needing, to them it's a rejection. And after many years of feeling rejected it can turn spiteful, a sort of 'well I don't know why she's telling me - she doesn't need me....' etc.

So the best advice is just have it out with her. Tell her, it hurts your feelings and you still need your Mum when you're feeling unwell. I have no doubt she'll jump to defend herself but it will open a conversation.

The other possibility is that she perceives it as moaning and complaining. It depends on the type of person she is - she might be feeling like oh for goodness sake pull yourself together. I'm not saying that is at all fair but I think again older people feel death looming, in a way we won't be able to appreciate until we hit our 70s. So for them our ailments pale in comparison - they envision not being around in 10yrs time, so really what do you have to worry about? We are young! And because of that a type of selfishness develops and a lack of empathy for the young.

Again - I'm not saying I agree with that attitude, I absolutely don't but it's a view point that she might be experiencing. Again talking it through will bring clarity.

Grab the bull, so to speak, and have it out with her. You may not get what you want from the conversation but you may see a change in her actions as she takes time to reflect.

Give her a chance to put it right rather than allowing the hurt to set in xx

@Annaghgloor

Also... so many people on MN say their mothers are unsupportive, then say "I live abroad". How actively supportive can a mother be of a child who has chosen to live abroad? It's hardly giving your mother the message that you want her in your life on a daily or even monthly basis.

I think this must be a British thing, I see it so often on Mn -- the idea that going to live in another country is some kind of 'screw you' message to your family.

I reckon it may well be. My mother and all her sisters and brothers left Ireland to live and work abroad but my Nan never stopped caring about them or us, her GC and wrote regularly. When she got a phone put in, she rang regularly and up 'til she was in her 80s, came over to England to visit us all, and we lived all over the country, at least once a year! Signs on, we all loved her to bits. I would say my mother and aunts and uncles were very invested in her welfare but she was a very strong, positive, cheerful person, even near the end of her life so she was joy to know! Of course, like many Irish immigrants, they sent money home regularly too but the caring never stopped- she gave it and got it back in spades! Loads of posters are saying do you make an effort to be caring towards her OP. In my experience, the older person in a family relationship, parent, aunt or uncle, sets the tone and the younger responds. If the younger person senses the older one is distant or lacking in interest or empathy, they can subconsciously echo that back to the older person. I would probably try a couple more times to show an interest in her and ask her how she is, listen and show empathy but, (depending on if she has a genuine reason for being so distant e.g. problems like cancer or serious clinical depression) if you still don't get it back, reduce your expectations of, and contact with, her. We don't always have the relationships with our mothers we would want OP but if we have other good relationships and our mothers make us feel shit, we need to back off and focus on the people who do show they care!

@2Gen I would agree with that advice if the OPs mother had always been distant. But she used to be very caring with OP as an adult. So something has changed.
I cant imagine being so self absorbed that if my mother seemed more distant, I wouldn't ask her what was wrong.

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@2Gen I would agree with that advice if the OPs mother had always been distant. But she used to be very caring with OP as an adult. So something has changed.
I cant imagine being so self absorbed that if my mother seemed more distant, I wouldn't ask her what was wrong.[/quote]
I agree and I did suggest the OP do that a couple of more times before she backed off. It's a bit unfair to call her "self-absorbed" for being hurt by her mother's lack of interest though. She's not asking her to drop everything and come and mollycoddle her, just for her mum to say something that would indicate she gives a shit!
I have an adult son, am past menopause, am chronically unwell but still manage to take an interest in him, his life and his wellbeing! It ain't hard! Kind words cost nothing!

I’m not asking to be looked after, it would just be nice to even have a brief ‘That must be hard, hope you feel better’ or anything..just anything, rather than ignoring the text, pretending it didn’t happen

Ignoring texts about negative stuff is a clear communication and really you should have copped on that she doesn’t like these negative subjects.

While I appreciate long covid isn’t fun it’s also not life threatening. Also, are you prioritising your health? Or are you neglecting yourself, because listening to someone complain about health problems while doing little about it is really frustrating.

@2Gen No its not hard. Which is why I would want to check out if anything else is going on e.g. depression.

@Itsnotover

I would also like to say. In my opinion, if your attitude is that your children should bugger off and no longer wish to be cared about once they reach adulthood then maybe don't have them in the first place? Children don't ask to be born. Some people are incredibly selfish and that's fine - just Roy have kids.

@Itsnotover Of course we expect to look after our children but for how long should we put all of our time money and emotional effort into them? You expect to do that when they are 2, 12 and 22. But also 32, 42, 52? Frankly I’m fed up of being expected to be available 24/7 to listen to their latest woes.

@MarbleQueen Seriously?

I haven’t been able to work in 22 months due to not feeling well enough. I have my Dd alone with no help for 13 hour days, we have no help or babysitting..never had, in 3 years.
Currently waiting for my second heart echo and head mri. Currently on 7 different multivitamins, blood thinners and three different sets of prescribed tablets.
I’ve gone above and beyond trying to *Look after myself.
I eat no sugar, caffeine, no alcohol, low histamine…fast..going on for almost two years.
I’ve *Complained maybe four times to my mum, when she happens to have texted asking how things are and I was feeling particularly bad. On those days and most, my main thought is being able to get through the day with Dd the best I can and looking forward to getting back into bed.

I think helping when adult children really need it is fine. But adult children at some stage should also be using their partner and friends for support.

*Into bed that night

@MarbleQueen

I’m not asking to be looked after, it would just be nice to even have a brief ‘That must be hard, hope you feel better’ or anything..just anything, rather than ignoring the text, pretending it didn’t happen

Ignoring texts about negative stuff is a clear communication and really you should have copped on that she doesn’t like these negative subjects.

While I appreciate long covid isn’t fun it’s also not life threatening. Also, are you prioritising your health? Or are you neglecting yourself, because listening to someone complain about health problems while doing little about it is really frustrating.

Would you say that if she was diagnosed with a disease that you deem more worthy of sympathy? You do know that many many people with long covid are now left house bound or even bed bound, and that they live in excruciating pain and fatigue every single day and have no idea if they will ever get better, there is no real treatment and no cure is available other than clinging onto the hope that their bodies might sort itself out one day. Which by the way is not a guarantee.

OP it sounds really tough for you right now and I am so sorry about that. I think you mum seems unable to help you emotionally. I’m not sure why. You are allowed to feel sad about it, your feelings of abandonment are completely valid. Quite frankly it’s disgusting that so many people are so ready to downplay the disabling nature of long covid. They have no idea. Good luck for the future, I really hope you can get better and that you can find a way through it all.

@ikeepseeingit Thank you so much 🙏 this is definitely it, it’s something I barely speak about to people as there’s no point, just with the hundreds of thousands in similar positions in forum groups. I have wondered if my mum even believes me tbh

@Kickers567

Hmm, my mum seems like this at the moment. But I needed her support because I lost my dad this year and the first Xmas with out him was so hard. My mum went on holiday (uk). I text her on 31st saying I'm bearly holding it together, and she text me on the 1st to say happy new year and hope its better this year. Nothing since.

Fwiw, my mum and dad separated 25 years ago when I was 4 and she is happily remarried so she isn't dealing with having lost a partner.

I had to re read your post a few times as I have the exact same story! It's so hard and I'm still finding it unbelievable how distant she is being since my dad died! X

@Joystir59

Roles change. Your mum isn't interested in parenting you any more. It becomes more about you taking a caring and supportive role in her life.

When the OP has young children? Are you for real? Some of you are being way to harsh on the OP and this, I expect is at the bottom of it; the notion that one's grown up daughter should automatically become one's second "mother" because she "owes" her parents for having had the inconvenience and burden of rearing her a a child! Talk about selfish!

[quote Feeldoublemyage]@ikeepseeingit Thank you so much 🙏 this is definitely it, it’s something I barely speak about to people as there’s no point, just with the hundreds of thousands in similar positions in forum groups. I have wondered if my mum even believes me tbh[/quote]
It’s very common and easy for people to not believe if they haven’t seen it happen in front of them. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. You deserve the sympathy and care from your mum. Just as much as if you had any other Illnesses. Much love to you OP, it’s hard when no one understands how bad it really is to live with.

I’ve not experienced this as my mum would always have been interested in my news, health etc (she’s no longer with us sadly).
It does sound unusual for a mother to be like this as I’m sure most of us on here wouldn’t like to think we’d be disinterested in our DCs.
Sending love OP. Hope you get over your long covid soon x

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@2Gen No its not hard. Which is why I would want to check out if anything else is going on e.g. depression.[/quote]
Yes and that's why I did advise the OP to try to find out a couple of times before she backed off!
I also do not agree that it's self absorbed to expect that one's mother should at least care enough to acknowledge one is suffering, even if all she can do is offer a few kind words.

[quote Feeldoublemyage]@MarbleQueen Seriously?

I haven’t been able to work in 22 months due to not feeling well enough. I have my Dd alone with no help for 13 hour days, we have no help or babysitting..never had, in 3 years.
Currently waiting for my second heart echo and head mri. Currently on 7 different multivitamins, blood thinners and three different sets of prescribed tablets.
I’ve gone above and beyond trying to *Look after myself.
I eat no sugar, caffeine, no alcohol, low histamine…fast..going on for almost two years.
I’ve *Complained maybe four times to my mum, when she happens to have texted asking how things are and I was feeling particularly bad. On those days and most, my main thought is being able to get through the day with Dd the best I can and looking forward to getting back into bed.[/quote]
OP
I think long covid is seen as post viral syndrome by some

Did you give your mum that level of detail?

I said earlier I hope you recover asap. I would like to multiply that by a 1000. I hope your scans go well.

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@HardbackWriter no I dont think young adults are spoilt, lazy and ungrateful at all. But I do think they complain more. I wonder if it is related to the focus on mental health and talking about your stresses?[/quote]
There is certainly truth in that - everything is a big drama nowadays . I wonder if these younger women realise that by the time they are their mother's age they will be the same ( Cue "not me") . They will have been through it all and will want a bit of peace and quiet . It is possible to be interested but 60 plus year olds do have their own lives to lead too .

[quote Feeldoublemyage]@ikeepseeingit Thank you so much 🙏 this is definitely it, it’s something I barely speak about to people as there’s no point, just with the hundreds of thousands in similar positions in forum groups. I have wondered if my mum even believes me tbh[/quote]
I'm sorry you're going through the mill OP. Are you being offered any kind of treatment at all? I know nothing about long Covid but have you been advised to tak ehigh dosages e.g. 2000 units of Vit D3, and a good quality Vit C and Zinc supplement as well? If not please get all of the above and start asap. You can get great quality Vit D3 from Poland on Ebay with fee postage. That's what we take. I also put my husband on Holy Basil tablets as he's prone to chest infections and he's been on them since March 2020 and hasn't had a chest infection since. All he's had is a cold last week and now I have it but it's just that...a cold. Holy Basil is good for all sorts of things but especially the respiratory system. I hope this advice isn't overstepping the mark and I wish you all the very best. Its horrible when someone you love just withdraws from you, isn't it? Don't mind those who are trying to blame you, they either don't get it or aren't great to their own sons or daughters themselves. Your post might have hit a nerve with some of them!

I think I was about 7 when she stopped caring. Have attempted a relationship over the years but her narcissistic tendencies always spoilt it. Now been NC for 5 years.

However I have no plans to ever stop caring and supporting ds 21 and ds 16. I’ll be there for them until my last breath. I will be nice to their wives (or husbands) though! I’ve promised to not be a MIL from hell lol

There is certainly truth in that - everything is a big drama nowadays . I wonder if these younger women realise that by the time they are their mother's age they will be the same ( Cue "not me") . They will have been through it all and will want a bit of peace and quiet . It is possible to be interested but 60 plus year olds do have their own lives to lead too .

What a load of bollocks. I'm 60 & I can't ever imagine being so uncaring about my DDs significant significant health problems, as the OPs DM has shown here & I don't have a single similar age friend who I can imagine thinking this way. Yes we'd call out over dramatics if it applied which it doesn't, but to ignore like this is far from normal at any age. Something lies behind this behaviour & it's not just wanting peace & quiet🙄