Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

Not so with my mother, who mothered me right up until she died when I was 39; but my dad has definitely switched off and grown distant, as though she were the social glue that held us together. He’s happy enough if we’re there in front of him, but he doesn’t parent or really hold up his end of the relationship at all, even if we visit.
It’s gutting.

I think some people just can’t deal with other people’s problems, especially as they get older. My IL’s are like that, they’re enthusiastic about good news, but dreadful if someone has a problem or feeling emotional. They ignored me for months after my Mum died, for example, literally didn’t speak to me and cancelled visits. I know I’m not their child, but it was hurtful. DH never shares problems with them, he talks to me instead.

It’s a personal flaw, IMO, DH and I have learnt from it and make an effort to listen to our DC when they need our support…. although it’s slightly draining now they’re teenagers as they have lots of angst! I hope they can always talk to me and I’ll continue to buy them little gifts. That’s all we can do, OP, learn from the experience and behave differently with our own DC. 💐

@BIWI No, middle of three, why do you ask?

@stripeyflowers

I saw this with my Aunty. She was a very close, attentive loving other of three until she was about 60. It's hard to describe but even though she saw them as much she was more distant, somehow less connected. For instance, one went through a divorce and she just shrugged and said 'he'll get over it. He'll meet someone else." About five years previous he'd had a relationship break-up and she was very concerned Her daughter says she was never quite the same after breast cancer in her late 40s but don't know if that's relevant.

Of course, breast cancer is relevant. It can make other stresses appear trivial. Breast cancer also leaves usually ongoing issues which can include pain, and worries about it returning. Also if the son who went through a divorce wasn't particularly supportive of his mum's breast cancer, she may be harbouring resentment over that.

I think the issues older people face are often far more serious than when they are younger. Issues like toilet training a child, relationship break up, etc seem enormous at the time, but they do pass. But facing bereavement, chronic ill health, dementia, and death are pretty scary serious issues.

I have definitely retreated a bit. Menopause has definitely played a part along with 30 + years of endless emotional labour.

When I see my dd the majority of time she is complaining. Being off colour or being busy at work is not the end of the world and I’ve grown to resent the expectation that it’s my responsibility to make her feel better. Frankly I’m tired of being moaned at.I note she doesn’t do this with her dad and the conversations are generally much more positive.

I am obviously supportive with serious issues but I’m afraid I don’t want to offer emotional support to someone who is moaning they are tired or busy at work. I don’t want to get texts or phone calls like that. From anyone.

Lots of people have commented that negative texts are often not responded to. This is a clue I think that many mums want a much more positive relationship with their adult children.

@RoyalFamilyFan

I think the issues older people face are often far more serious than when they are younger. Issues like toilet training a child, relationship break up, etc seem enormous at the time, but they do pass. But facing bereavement, chronic ill health, dementia, and death are pretty scary serious issues.

I think this is true above all because those issues of old age are something you can do absolutely nothing about - there is no action you can take to alleviate them. But again the problem is that the nature of those problems so different that they're almost mutually incomprehensible. It's very hard for people who are so busy that they run from small problem to small problem without pause, and people who have to just sit with the same few big problems, and to actively look for ways to distract themselves from them, to comprehend each other. So each ends up trying to persuade the other one that their problems are real and overwhelming, and each sees the other as 'moaning about little things'.

@MarbleQueen. I agree that it’s emotionally draining- and mine are only teenagers.😂. I hope I can have a decent balance of fun and emotional support with mine when they adults-but who knows.

It also depends perhaps on how your parent Interacted with their own parents. My Mum, for example, had serious health issues from my early childhood, so I tended not to share my problems with her too often, as she was already coping with pain. But I did know she was there for me.

My mum was seriously ill through much of my childhood and died when I was 30.

in many ways I ended up looking after her (with my dad's help) far more than she "mothered" me. Given her illness I have absolutely no issues with that. Towards the end she became completely oblivious to any emotional needs on my part, even making my wedding day all about her and making me cry. But I do realise that was the illness, and try to remember her when she was able to be there for me emotionally.

things change for people in life. I love my DC dearly, but I want and encourage them to be independent, although I would always want to be in their lives. But it would (will) break my heart if any of them decide to move abroad. My ds (14) talks about it and it makes me feel sad and rejected, somehow, although I'd never say so if that was his decision. Maybe your mum feels the same? How did she feel about you moving away?

I expected more from my mum when I had my daughter. She wanted to be at the Labour but after when I struggled with breast feeding and lack of sleep she didn’t seem to offer much help. Assumed I had help? Erm not sure who from! She lives round the corner!
She’s very good buying things… but it’s presence over presents for me!

She has said before it’s because she values her time… needs her time to herself etc! She’s only 64 and works two days a week!!

@HardbackWriter I think my parents try and deal with it most of the time by denial and focusing on trivial feel-good things.
Because the truth is my father's dementia is only going to get worse, as is my mum's mobility.

@KatyRebecca84 that sounds hard for you.
Did your DP step up? I may be projecting. But I do resent being expected to step in for relatives with useless DPs. I am not prepared to give up my leisure time to help with new babies, while the DP plays football or goes cycling.

@Zebracat makes a great point. As the mother of two adults in their twenties I am anxious not to but in. Son is now married and made a bit of a hoo-ha about being independent etc, which I took to mean 'back off mama!'. So I suppose I have a little, even though I ache to meddle!
Can't win!

Do your siblings have the same view of your mum?
I don't think texting is the best format for offering support or discussing problems. It's easy to misunderstand intent and content. If you want support then call her and start the conversation with the issue you want support with.
But I do think lots of parents expect their DCs to reach a point in adulthood where they're not looking for their parents to support them or buoy them up. I know my DM found it a burden that some of my adult siblings brought issues/dramas/problems back to them. There should be a point where you don't have to worry about your DCs and some parents will think it means they've done a poor job if an adult DC can't stand on their own two feet.

My DM has been forgetting birthdays for a number of years now. Early 80s so probably not surprising. However she remembers her own and would be deeply upset if anyone forgot hers and didnt make lots of fuss about it.

For me I don't care about presents or recognition of birthdays etc, I'd love to be invited to her house for a Sunday dinner or something similar. Only DB gets that honour

There should be a point where you don't have to worry about your DCs and some parents will think it means they've done a poor job if an adult DC can't stand on their own two feet.

How far do you go @ShinyHappyPoster?
Should you be able to stand onto your two feet and not expect any support if you go through a divorce, have breast cancer, one dcs is being investigated for SEN/ASD/whatever?

Does this 'standing on your two feet' aslo applies to your partner?

I have to say I don't understand that way of thinking.
If you were at work and struggling with a specific issue, it wouldn't be seen as acceptabke to keep it to yourself, not reach out for support and then make a mess of the issue you were dealing with. Because even though it is expected that you have a certain level of ability to do your job wo support, when something new/unusual/harder comes, it is also normal for you to reach out.
Why is it different for our personal life? Or are we supposed to only go for the 'profesional advice' and see a counsellor etc... instead?

With my 30th coming up she has asked if I'd like to go out to eat on the day, and it was very much up to me to say yes or no, she didn't seem eager or positive about wanting to spend time together

Tbh, I don't think some Mum's to adult children can win!! I always ask my son what he wants to do about his birthday, what day would suit him to see me and his stepdad (if any), because he has a Partner, another parent and so many friends, and I don't feel that it's my place to say that I am taking priority on his birthday. If I were to express huge excitement about us and him going out on his birthday, it piles on huge pressure for him to see me on the day, when for him it might be more suitable for him to see me the week before or after. I also have an adult daughter, but she is in another Country.

Well I'm probably your mum's age in so far as I have a dd with a toddler. I would like to think I'm supportive of dd, I do childcare for dgs twice a week and invite her and dgs to dinner once a week most weeks.
I don't think I'm dd's first source of information when it comes to raising dgs as my way is probably considered outdated but when she was in a panic when dgs banged his head or had croup I was the person she phoned and I went to her straight away.
I answer all her texts and genuinely take an interest, the times when I struggle to maintain the texts is when she texts me continuously complaining dgs is driving her mad or she's tired that's probably because I raised dd and her siblings without having a dm or mil available for support or to take them off my hands (and I have dgs extra outside of childcare most weeks so that she can get a break or rest as she chooses) and tend to think that that's life as the mother of a toddler tbh.

I know this will be controversial. But I think younger adults tend to complain far more these days about everyday things.

I ask, @Feeldoublemyage, because tbh you sound like a rather spoilt only child.

You're very dismissive of your DM's stresses aren't you? Just because those things aren't important to you!

You've had long covid for 2 years - very sorry to hear that - so I expect there's a limit to actually how much more sympathy/consideration she can give you, beyond asking generally how you are/how you're progressing.

And why text? It's not really the best medium for longer conversations. Why not call and actually speak to her?

On the flip side, I'm in my 40s and had dc quite young, they are all mid to late teens now. There seems to have been a massive shift in those friends who had babies in the last 10 years wrt how much help/support they want/need. People now seem to feel that free, regular childcare is the norm and a minimum. When mine were young I don't remember any friends who got that. If you were lucky you got a night per month of babysitting, but that was a very keen grandparent rather than the norm. I saw a thread the other day where the OP was asking if it was OK for her to TTC when she didn't have any local family!

My mum stopped mothering me at 18. I then had to be independent and not ask for any help or support.

She had a cold, unloving mother herself and she’s always been emotionally and unavailable. I just don’t think she knows what a healthy parent - child relationship is.

I’ve just turned 50 (she wouldn’t think to see me in my birthday) and she shows no interest in me or my life. Sadly - some ‘mothers’ just aren’t made for the role.

I’m almost NC with her now to protect my own sanity.

@RoyalFamilyFan

I know this will be controversial. But I think younger adults tend to complain far more these days about everyday things.

I think older people have thought that about younger people from the dawn of time! Older people have also thought that younger people are spoilt, ungrateful and lazy since ancient times.

Mine has got worse as I've got older!