Is there an age your mum sort of starts caring less?

[Feeldoublemyage]

I’ve noticed it over the last few years, first in silly little ways-always sent me small gifts on my birthday, advent calendar at Christmas (I live abroad) doesn’t anymore, barely gives any birthday money when she sees me etc. The main thing is just the lack of caring/suppprt. When I had my Dd, she barely helped or offered any advice, if I’d message about anything, you’d mainly say could I ask me friends, well I could, but would love some support off her too.
The most upsetting has been when she texts to ask how I am, if I say I’m not that great that day (have long covid for almost two years, mainly ok, but with relapses which aren’t great) I barely mention it, but if I do, she then doesn’t even reply to that message, but will message a week later all bright and breezy as if all is ok. Is it that she just can’t be bothered? Because I now have a Dd, I feel I’m very different and can’t imagine not being there for her.
Is anyone else’s mum like this? Is it an age thing?

@BIWI
You've had long covid for 2 years - very sorry to hear that - so I expect there's a limit to actually how much more sympathy/consideration she can give you, beyond asking generally how you are/how you're progressing.

Yes you hear that on MN again and again.
People have a finite amount of compasison to give.
They can't keep hearing that you are unwell
You are expected to just suck it up after a while if you have a chronic illness.
People are not interested in hearing that you are unwell AGAIN.

Yep god forbid that people with chronic illnesses couod s=be seen and heard.
God forbid your closest family member could support you
Because yu know they have their life and their stresses, that the OP has been told she should be appreciating how hard it is for them and not dismiss their worries. Because hearing about the stress that garden planning is giving you again and again is different from hearing about how your dd's life is nightmare from her chronic illness....

And then we wonder why poeple feel lonely and isolated

@seekinglondonlife

On the flip side, I'm in my 40s and had dc quite young, they are all mid to late teens now. There seems to have been a massive shift in those friends who had babies in the last 10 years wrt how much help/support they want/need. People now seem to feel that free, regular childcare is the norm and a minimum. When mine were young I don't remember any friends who got that. If you were lucky you got a night per month of babysitting, but that was a very keen grandparent rather than the norm. I saw a thread the other day where the OP was asking if it was OK for her to TTC when she didn't have any local family!

I suspect this is because the cost if childcare is so prohibitive that people have no choice really....

Plus when my dcs were small, women who went back to work before their dcs started school were looked down. The norm was to SAHM with them until they started reception....

My mother always saw her children (or at least, me) in terms of obligations. She was obliged to house me (in the school holidays) until I left school, and to pretend to care about me at Christmas and on my birthday until I married (when I was 20). She told me when I hit 40 that I shouldn't expect presents from her any more (tbh, not a surprise since it had been more than a decade since the last one!). The idea is that no adult over 40 needs presents, it's just childish. The only exception is her, obviously.

OP, some people just don't enjoy being parents and see it was a duty to be discharged. There really isn't anything you can do about it, other than be glad that you are different.

My mum lost interest in my late twenties/her late fifties. It was also a time she had cancer and by 30/she was 60 I had DGC. She’s been clear of cancer for a decade and her can’t be arsed-ness (which if I had to I’d say was depression with a life long tendency to laziness and associated with the change of life and isolation to do with retirement) extends to nearly all areas of her life apart from church/faith. However I can. Ow with more grown up eyes see her sibling and parent relationships through slightly different and, it has to be said, less favourable eyes.

@seekinglondonlife

On the flip side, I'm in my 40s and had dc quite young, they are all mid to late teens now. There seems to have been a massive shift in those friends who had babies in the last 10 years wrt how much help/support they want/need. People now seem to feel that free, regular childcare is the norm and a minimum. When mine were young I don't remember any friends who got that. If you were lucky you got a night per month of babysitting, but that was a very keen grandparent rather than the norm. I saw a thread the other day where the OP was asking if it was OK for her to TTC when she didn't have any local family!

Yes definitely this. My dd expects that I will be happy to have dgs whenever she needs time out because I'm her mother and his granny where I never had any expectation that df (dm died before I had dc) and pil would have my children unless in a dire emergency and then for very limited periods. I used childminders and babysitters and obviously because they needed paying and arranging then I could never just get up and decide I fancied a day off as my dd does.

No pampering here lol. She mean. 80. Gave nothing to my kids xmas. My birthday is low key. Im 49. I decided that can work both ways going forward. Envy those with good family help.

I am 77 and dd is 47 with two teens. When they were little I did lots of childcare and school pick ups etc. Now I feel I am not needed. Dd has a busy life, her dh and the boys inevitably take up her time as does her ft job. I am nervous about phoning because I feel in the way. Dd and family will always help if we need anything and we had Christmas dinner there but I don’t feel I can offer any sort of advice/opinion.
I do feel loved though which is something .

@Walking4You I think it is more than the financial aspect. There seems to be the expectation that grandparents should want to drop everything in order to have the dgc when the parents want. Not so long ago there was a thread where a poster was complaining that the DGPs didn't pull their weight, because they only did one morning per week babysitting, and the OP used that time to do housework. She wanted them to do another morning so she could do a leisure activity and they didn't want to commit to every week, so this obviously meant that they didn't care about her or the dgc.
You also really can't plan your potential dc based on promises of free childcare from DGPs. They could get ill, seriously injured or even die much sooner than expected.

With regards to Grandparents babysitting, I think it's important to realise that lots of women have babies in their late 30's / early 40's now, which naturally means the GP are getting on a bit.

My Mum was 50 when I had my 1st child and 53 when I had my 2nd. Her energy levels were great and she had no problem babysitting (although she was working FT). When my sister had her 1st child my Mum was 68. She regularly babysit in her early 70's, but was wiped out for days afterwards.

Young children are exhausting. If you're tired looking after toddlers in your 30's, imagine how much more tired you'd be in +40 years!

I'm 45 & mum is 73. She is very caring and helpful towards me but I do have two chronic health conditions.
In return I worry & care about her a lot.
I see or speak to her on the phone several times a week at present... I'm happy to as we are very close.
If I had a partner I probably wouldn't see her as often but I'd still speak to her a lot as I think she gets lonely.
She's also close to my sister.

@ShinyHappyPoster But, I’m very independent, I live in another country and have never asked for anything, whereas my siblings (one lives with them at the moment) the other very close by, have been helped lots.
I’m more than capable of standing on my own two feet and have bought my own house years ago myself, never had or expected any help or support. Even casual friends can manage a sympathetic response, but my own mum can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@KatyRebecca84 that sounds hard for you.
Did your DP step up? I may be projecting. But I do resent being expected to step in for relatives with useless DPs. I am not prepared to give up my leisure time to help with new babies, while the DP plays football or goes cycling.[/quote]
My DP was excellent and still is but would have appreciate that motherly support! Her loss as I’ve managed just fine without her.

@BIWI Ok, thanks!

She prefers to WhatsApp. It’s v expensive on both our ends to call a lot.

She doesn’t ask though. Ever.

I ask about her constantly, remembered ant docs appointments she went to, texted before and after, sent a pamper pack to her.

Part of growing up is that you start to look out for your parents after years of them looking out for you.

Your parents should be in their own little world doing their garden and enjoying life before ill health and death. We all deserve some time to chill out. She has done many years looking after you. She raised you to be an independent adult. It would be exhausting to have to keep looking after your dc into adulthood.

Is ot a millenial thing that people get to be looked after into adulthood? My parents generation looked after their parents more once they got older.

@Zebracat

The dilemma that mothers of adults face is that they are told in no uncertain terms to butt out of their childrens lives. Advice is out of date, love is suffocating, concern is infantilising, support can undermine the primary relationships they have with their partners and children. And don’t get me started on the sibling rivalries that can continue until death. Everything has to be scrupulously weighted and fair, even though everyone’s circumstances can be very different. But if we aren’t prioritising all our children, and their partners and children, we are cold unnatural neglectful. . I think learning to say “ that’s nice, dear” is a sensible alternative , frankly.

From my own perspective, this just isn't representative of real life but I suppose it depends what circles you move in.

@ZenNudist

Part of growing up is that you start to look out for your parents after years of them looking out for you.

Your parents should be in their own little world doing their garden and enjoying life before ill health and death. We all deserve some time to chill out. She has done many years looking after you. She raised you to be an independent adult. It would be exhausting to have to keep looking after your dc into adulthood.

Is ot a millenial thing that people get to be looked after into adulthood? My parents generation looked after their parents more once they got older.

So asking how your own daughter is, is 'looking after' them? Really?

I would also like to say. In my opinion, if your attitude is that your children should bugger off and no longer wish to be cared about once they reach adulthood then maybe don't have them in the first place? Children don't ask to be born. Some people are incredibly selfish and that's fine - just Roy have kids.

Don't* not Roy obvs

@ZenNudist Ffs. I’m not asking to be looked after, it would just be nice to even have a brief ‘That must be hard, hope you feel better’ or anything..just anything, rather than ignoring the text, pretending it didn’t happen

I live abroad and it has weakened my family relationships. It happens over time and isn't as noticeable at first but eventually the gap becomes hard to ignore. The emotional intimacy just isn't there. I think as parents age it becomes even harder.

My DM has passed some years ago

I moved away in my 20s

My parents were old school & did not use Internet or mobile phones

They enjoyed birthday cards, letters, postcards & I sent hard copy photos from my mobile phone via Freeprints. This is what they enjoyed.

I used to phone my DM once a week, when we were both older.

I used to visit a few times a year

If you live a distance from friends or relatives, you have to put some effort into keeping in touch & find a way to do this.
Perhaps, you can think of something that you can do to improve communication?

Can you do phone calls, zoom calls or Skype ?

[quote Feeldoublemyage]@BIWI Ok, thanks!

She prefers to WhatsApp. It’s v expensive on both our ends to call a lot.

She doesn’t ask though. Ever.

I ask about her constantly, remembered ant docs appointments she went to, texted before and after, sent a pamper pack to her.[/quote]
Why not use WhatsApp to call her?

A lot gets misinterpreted on text. I'm not sure how you can maintain that closeness when you don't call, chat, FaceTime. I say that as someone who also lives away from her mum in another country.

Mine is prob from a different angle. All about her. Very negative. Not much interest unless its about her. No your parents should not be childcare either but the odd help be nice. Most people work now or may not live nearby. I do what I can

How was your childhood?

I ask as my own DM went very weird on me after I had DD, caused all kinds of drama & was often abusive too. Really pushed e away fir a few years & though I was well aware she could be toxic at times, it still came as a shock as it was her first & only GC & she loves small kids.

I realised over time that there was quite a bit of low key & occasionally real neglect & abuse during my childhood, over & above it just been down to different times. She knew that my raising DD would highlight her misgivings in my own childhood. She admitted to this & more in her last few months.