AIBU to think this restaurant Bill split should have been done differently?

[2020too]

My Mom treated me to a restaurant voucher for Christmas as we tend to buy experiences rather than items.

She deliberately picked this restaurant as is a lovely place and I also get 33% off because of where I work - she saw this as stretching the money further.

We have an annually occuring meet up in the lull between Christmas and NYE with 2 couples from our hobby group non-specified as it might be outing

We meet up with them every few months for a meal and drinks at various places as well as seeing them frequently for hobbying. We rally enjoy their company.

It was one of other couple's pick of venue last week. They suggested this restaurant in the group chat, and I said great because my discount would apply and so we booked in mid December for last week.

As we sat down for the meal, I told my DH to remind me to use the voucher when the bill cane as I'm likely to forget - my menopause isn't serving my brain well . The others commented on what a nice present and then conversation turned to their Christmas presents etc.

Now for the sums

The bill for 3 couples was £450.

My discount brought it diwn to £300.

£345 with the tip.

£115 per couple.

One of the others reminded me about my voucher .

So to me that meant we had £65 to pay.

Someone spoke up and said, okay so that's 345 less the voucher = 295 to pay, let's call it £100 per couple, yeah.

So that's what we did

I bloody know I need to work in my assertiveness kills and I absolutely won't be addressing the issue, as I'm not a boat rocker. I also am aware that I didn't explicitly say that this was just for me and DH, because in no way would I have thought anyone would have thought elsewise.

YANBU: most people wouldn't have included the voucher as a joint contribution?

YABU they were totally reasonable to deduct the voucher off the total bill before dividing into thirds.

Never had any Bill splitting problems before with these, and £35 inequality wouldn't stop me socialising with them again. I'm just a very bit

Maybe it's just me, but even if I did think that somebody was probably offering to throw their own gift voucher into the general pot, I would still err on the side of not assuming.

I would say (if I believed Op had asked everybody to remind her and not just her DH) something like "Don't forget to use your voucher - that knocks a nice chunk off the cost for you, it was a very well-thought-out present for you from your Mum." Until and unless OP plainly said "Oh no, I'm using the voucher off everybody's bill all together," I would never presume.

[quote Trisolaris]@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

Also, there no need to question my sanity. That’s extremely rude. I don’t expect people to unilaterally share their Christmas presents but equally I think it’s rude to take out a Christmas gift and use it yourself in front of your friends and not share. If you don’t want to share, don’t use it up in front of your friends.[/quote]
Of course it’s not rude🙄....it’s just the same as getting out cash or card to pay.....ridiculous post

I think it’s rude to take out a Christmas gift and use it yourself in front of your friends and not share.

But if it had been cash, nobody would have known - but it's still a personal Christmas gift for you. If somebody wore a new jumper that they'd been given for a Christmas gift to the meal, you wouldn't expect them to offer everybody a wear of it!

x-posted with KitKat.

Same principle: if it was somebody's birthday and another diner said "I'll get your meal for you, Sue, as a birthday treat" but didn't then offer to pay for the others, would you expect them to be upset and think it rude?

Maybe if they're 3 and haven't yet grasped the concept of not always being the centre of attention, but most adults would rationalise 'of course, it's not MY birthday - when it is it will be MY turn for the presents/treats.'

So everyone should have contributed 165. They contributed 100, and you contributed, through discount, voucher and cash, 250. Well you're a handy friend to have aren't you!
You should have stuck up for yourself. Next time, if they're good friend say "oh you cheeky buggers, I've already given you a discount, my Christmas voucher is for my food not yours!" Laugh it off but don't roll over.

think it’s rude to take out a Christmas gift and use it yourself in front of your friends and not share

Well that's just batshit.

You're not being unreasonable. I think they 'accidentally on purpose' decided you were helpfully up for reducing the total bill with your own voucher & group discount.
I can understand it getting a bit confusing with added drinks, tips etc but they kind of seem to think they were 'helping' you to use your own gift voucher.
Did you even get a thank you?
Chalk it up to experience &
next time just use any voucher for a booking for you & your partner.

@OnlyAFleshWound

I cannot believe some posters suggesting you message them now and ask for the money back. Fucking hell.

Same. I think this is something the OP just needs to chalk up to experience.

As a rule-of-thumb, if you are an extremely UNassertive type who is not willing/able to stick up for yourself or rock the boat, I would avoid creating situations that are ambiguous and/or open to misinterpretation.

I think it was almost inevitable that someone at the table was going to get the wrong end of the stick about this voucher unless it was pointed out explicitly to them who/what it was for.

I don't think it's rude to have used the voucher, but I wouldn't have to ensure this awkwardness was avoided. Did they know the voucher was a gift and not similar to the discount that you were able to use for everyone?

@bingoitsadingo

They suggested this restaurant in the group chat, and I said great because my discount would apply

In this situation I would have assumed the voucher would be shared amongst everyone.

Personally I think it's a bit off to use a voucher just for yourself in a group setting. If you'd been very upfront about it ("my mum gave me this voucher for christmas so I'm going to use that to cover my share of the bill") it would have been ok. But if you just casually mentioned it I would definitely have assumed you meant sharing it.

Would you also assume that the £50 note someone had in their wallet was for sharing around everyone?

A voucher is a cash equivalent. It's not a box of chocolates where you might offer other people some.

Clearly the consensus is different here but in my friendship group I can honestly say it has always worked the other way and has on multiple occasions. If someone brings out a voucher it’s taken off the whole bill and I would probably offer to cover tip or something if someone else had brought one though I wouldn’t expect anyone else to do the same back.
I don’t live in the mumsnet world where you are a doormat though if you are generous with your friends though as all my friends are really nice people and reciprocate. (I don’t have that many though as I’d rather have a few really decent ones that I have great relationships with than the other way round).

If someone brings out a voucher it’s taken off the whole bill

I can see that happening if someone got a voucher some other way - e.g. through work, or as a prize in a competition.

But a £50 voucher that you were given as an Xmas gift by your mum? Would you really normally spend it on other people?

@Trisolaris

Clearly the consensus is different here but in my friendship group I can honestly say it has always worked the other way and has on multiple occasions. If someone brings out a voucher it’s taken off the whole bill and I would probably offer to cover tip or something if someone else had brought one though I wouldn’t expect anyone else to do the same back. I don’t live in the mumsnet world where you are a doormat though if you are generous with your friends though as all my friends are really nice people and reciprocate. (I don’t have that many though as I’d rather have a few really decent ones that I have great relationships with than the other way round).

@Trisolaris and the point of your post is? .... apart from to tell us all what a lovely person you are and what wonderful friends you have 🙄

It depends, I have done eg to go to the theatre with my friend - I wasn’t going to make my seat free and make her pay for hers, instead I suggested we get the expensive seats instead of the cheap ones we normally get as a treat. Likewise she got a spa voucher and split it with me. We like spa days so we had a nicer time this way as we could get an extra treatment.

If I didn’t want to, as I have repeatedly said, I wouldn’t have brought it on that occasion. I would have kept it for a private meal with my partner.

To me it’s the same as the favourite wine that we don’t bring out when guests come round as it’s expensive and I buy dp for Christmas. I would never pour out glasses just for us whilst other people were there, we enjoy it when it is just us.

@Kitkat151

That, it is possible to have a different opinion and that friendship groups work differently. This doesn’t mean you are ‘insane’ or ‘mad’ or a ‘doormat’ in typical mumsnet hyperbole.

Cheeky fuckers, there goes most of your gift.
You already got them money off, they shouldn't have expected more

They were cheeky, but I would personally have used the voucher another time when I was just going alone with DP.

They are CFs. I know that you need to work on your assertiveness skills but anyone who says "you should have" or "I would have" is not taking into account what you've said about your difficulty with rocking the boat. Maybe make that a new year's resolution, get some help with it. Ultimately though, they suck for their behaviour. YANBU because they should have acted decently without being told/asked.

Of course the voucher should be used just for you, as after all it was a present, did the friends not realise this voucher was a present ?

How bizarre. I dont know how 5 other people made that assumption and you didn't correct them?

In wouldnt have expected your xmas gift to spreader across the whole meal

Very odd situation

OP, next year ask Mom to pay for assertive communication training instead

You should have split the bill for each couple and you could then have deducted your voucher from your own bill. Why didn’t your OH speak up for that resolution when the time came to pay? It was your money!

OP what's done is done however I would text the person who said “ less the voucher from the amount” pointing out the voucher was a gift to your family and not everyone in group. And see what they do.. If they realise the lapse they’ll contribute back to you and if not... Block that CF from your circle

Voucher just for you.
Discount for whole party.

YBH - I would have used the voucher another time.