Potty Training Pressure!

[LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith]

DS has just turned 3 and I feel like I am under a huge amount of pressure to get him potty trained ASAP.
It seems to be coming from everywhere - family members, friends with kids of similar age, even the CM (who is brilliant).
Problem is that DS is really not into the idea! He was interested months ago and did indeed use the potty once, but then he completely went off of it and became really upset every time it was mentioned. This coincided with other things - suddenly wanting to be spoon fed all of the time, wanting nappies instead of nappy pants, huge separation anxiety and saying he wanted to be a baby and not a big boy.
Recently he is less upset and has shown more curiosity - he comes to the toilet with us at home and understands all about it, a couple of times he has asked to use the potty but then thrown some kind of decoy and backed out at the last moment (before trousers are off).
I fear that if I sit him on the potty or try to encourage him further he will become upset and this will set us back.
I feel that we know our son well and it isn't a big deal if he isn't using the potty / toilet yet. He generally only likes to try something new once he is completely confident and then he totally smashes it.
However, mounting pressure / questioning from all over the shop has me doubting myself - should I do more?
YANBU - keep at it and let him take his time
YABU - try harder / deploy tactics
If you vote YABU please consider offering some tips / experiences to help!

Oh we're experiencing almost identical struggles with our daughter! I'm starting to worry that she will never do it. I'll be following this with interest to see if anyone has any wonderful suggestions! So sorry, no advice but I can offer some solidarity, OP

Totally pointless trying to force him and stressing yourself out, I promise he won’t be in nappies forever and most likely not much longer at all. My 3 year old just trained about 2 months ago (about a month after his third birthday) and he was so ready to train, he was also dry at night after a week of being dry during the day. The whole process took us less than a month and now he very rarely has any accidents, he’s never had an accident in bed.

I tried to train him a few times when he was two because I felt pressured and it was ridiculous even bothering when I saw how quickly he trained when he was actually ready.

I trained late - he was 3 years and 6 months and still wasn't showing any classical signs of being ready until one night in the bath he asked for a yoghurt. I said if he sat on the potty and did a wee he could have one. Yes he happily sat and did a wee.

My son is behind on his speech and was for other milestones so to me it made sense to delay.

The other plus point - we are now 6 weeks out of nappies and he has great bladder control and can hold his wee for nearly 2 hours which I assume comes from the fact he is bigger

They have to do it in their own time.

I had the pressure from 18 months with ours, I listened with our 1st and said sod off 2nd onward. 1st was just stressful for everyone, the others it was more relaxed and when they were ready they did it quickly day and night.

Try some things differently - like get rid of the potty and suggest he uses the toilet like a grown up. Get him to sit on the toilet at bath time and give loads of praise for just sitting on it to start with.

Sorry but there is no gently with potty training- that’s why people have 3 or 4 year olds not trained it’s ridiculous. Unless your child has additional needs or a speech delay issue then they should be potty trained come 3-3.5. It’s about giving up the nappies (except for bed time)- no mixed messages, no option. The oh crap method if followed is superb. My only note is some kids cope better with a toilet than a potty but asides from that just do it.

I am sorry I can't vote as I am in your same situation!
My son also just turned 3 and is not potty trained yet. EVERYONE is telling me he's ready and I even got told I am lazy for not starting the full process yet.
Reality is I tried few months ago and, despite some interest, he never used the potty. He was happy to sit on it for a second and declare loudly that he had 'done it'. We persevered asking him to use the potty or the loo with the children seat on regularly for weeks. Nothing.
We gradually stopped.
In the last two weeks he's been saying 'poo-poo' every now and then and asked to go to the toilet. However, it turned out to be totally random. Sometimes he does that AFTER having had a poo in his nappy. Other times we just go sit there and all he wants to do is to play with the toilet paper.
He's never shown any interest in peeing in the potty, he's happily using the nappy for that.
How do I get out of this????

I agree that the more pressure he feels the longer it will take and the more accidents you will have.
Take him shopping for big boy pants but don't make him wear them yet, let him get used to the idea, let him put them away with his clothes. Get him a timer that has a bell on it.
After a couple of weeks ask him if he wants to wear his new pants, set the timer for 20 minutes and if he's up to the idea reset it after every bathroom visit.
If he's ready after full day of regular reminders he'll surprise you by telling you he needs to go.

I'm having training troubles with dd too so I know how you feel op.

She's 3.5 and we've been trying on and off since she turned 3. Main issue has been new baby and my inability to commit long term so I do blame my own inconsistency.

We did the 'set timer to beep every 20 min' method but after a few days of doing it I just got lazy again, beeper would go off in the middle of my baby's feed etc. She doesn't like going, only reluctantly goes with the reward of a chocolate button (stickers weren't enough of an incentive for her).

I have had mixed messages from others that I should have done it sooner but also that she'll do it 'when she's ready'. But I don't feel like she's ready, still 😩. She is not bothered by wet/dirty pants at all.

Id love to hear if anyone knows, how long does it take if you do the 'set the timer' approach? Also watching here to see if anyone else has bright ideas.

@Sh05

I agree that the more pressure he feels the longer it will take and the more accidents you will have. Take him shopping for big boy pants but don't make him wear them yet, let him get used to the idea, let him put them away with his clothes. Get him a timer that has a bell on it. After a couple of weeks ask him if he wants to wear his new pants, set the timer for 20 minutes and if he's up to the idea reset it after every bathroom visit. If he's ready after full day of regular reminders he'll surprise you by telling you he needs to go.

Thank you - the timer is a great idea! We have bought big boy pants with him and he was initially very excited about them (this was when we first bought the potty and he used it) but then they became one of the things that upset him so I squirreled them away. Maybe it is time to get them back out and put them in his drawers with his other clothes.

I think by 3 it isn't unreasonable to be trying a bit harder on this. Some take to it fine, some need some bribery :) If he really isn't interested you need to find something to make it worth his while.
Potty training is a nightmare, as suddenly even going out for a walk brings its issues. Pick a week where you don't have to go out much at all and hit the ground running.

One thing which worked for my DSis - she had an almost 3 year old DS who really wasn't interested and wasn't impressed with the odd smartie or chocolate button bribe. She got some small sweets and small toys/goodies from the pound shop and wrapped them up, put them in a tub like a lucky dip and every time he used the potty he got to pick from the lucky dip. Sometimes it was just the odd couple of smarties but 3 days later he was sorted. And once that happened the bribery lucky dip just sort of fell away.
Good luck.

If you wait til they are ready the whole process is much faster.

I think if you get pull ups, some of them aren't as absorbent as regular nappies so they feel a little bit more uncomfortable with the wetness so it's less appealing to wear a nappy and this might encourage the toilet more.

Oh - and also I think some kids don't like potties and prefer to go straight to the toilet - might be the case here?

My son has been like this up until yesterday! He’s just turned 3 and we have been bribing him with chocolate and saying that nappies are yucky. Suddenly he’s showing an interest. I’ve just got my fingers crossed that it will last. I know for sure that if I push it too much he’ll stop doing it because he’s a stubborn little bugger. It’s not that he can’t do it, it just HAS to be on his terms, so I just roll with it. I’ve had the same pressure/comments from family members and it can be very frustrating as it’s not within my control.

Also, a tip. If you buy pull ups then make sure they are the ones with Day written on them and not ‘Active wear’ or whatever. I made this mistake for months. The ‘active wear’ ones are just regular nappies and the ‘Day’ ones have the wet feel layer.

@Bookworm20

I think by 3 it isn't unreasonable to be trying a bit harder on this. Some take to it fine, some need some bribery :) If he really isn't interested you need to find something to make it worth his while. Potty training is a nightmare, as suddenly even going out for a walk brings its issues. Pick a week where you don't have to go out much at all and hit the ground running.

One thing which worked for my DSis - she had an almost 3 year old DS who really wasn't interested and wasn't impressed with the odd smartie or chocolate button bribe. She got some small sweets and small toys/goodies from the pound shop and wrapped them up, put them in a tub like a lucky dip and every time he used the potty he got to pick from the lucky dip. Sometimes it was just the odd couple of smarties but 3 days later he was sorted. And once that happened the bribery lucky dip just sort of fell away.
Good luck.

Thank you - this lucky dip idea is really helpful! My DS is not at all interested in bribes - he is very stubborn and will basically cut off his nose to spite his face if he doesn't want to do something (I actually quite like this characteristic even though it is a nightmare!) BUT he does love a present and we do have a lot of little bits and bobs I could wrap, plus a lot of very colourful wrapping paper knocking about :o)

Another thing, my son hated being called a big boy and shouted that he’s a baby. We switched to complementing him with “good boy”.

I agree with @Bookworm20

Most other parents will be asking about it just because they probably had to get their own kids toilet trained for pre school. My daughters pre school was adamant that children be toilet trained when starting (she would have been 3.5 years old on starting) and able to wipe and pull pants up herself. Pre school would deal with an accident here or there but weren't set up to toilet train or change nappies of 20 plus kids

I felt really stressed out about it and daughter showed no interest and also hated the potty (I don't like the idea of them anyway so maybe she picked that up from me) anyway we did a boot camp approach - didn't leave house for 3 days and cracked it. (I needed a week off after though 😂)

@Rno3gfr Gotta love the stubborn ones! Fingers crossed that this latest compliance continues for you and mine will follow suit soon.

We have got a little seat for the toilet and so far his response has been exactly the same as towards the potty.

I’d give him a bit longer, and I’d probably stop mentioning it. Either he will show interest of his own accord, or, when you feel it’s necessary just announce it’s time and go straight for the toilet.

Ignore - as long as he's reliably dry by the time he starts school it doesn't matter.

We started about six months to a year too early and it was a pain in the neck.

In the end I bought a few advent calendars and the deal was that if he was dry on the day, he got the chocolate. If he was wet, I got the chocolate.

I only got about ten chocolates.

@Rno3gfr
Thanks for the advice re: "Good boy" - I have already taken this approach but other people keep trying to get him on board by saying he's a big boy and the more I quietly ask them not to the more precious sounding I become!
Quick question re: pull ups, the ones designed for training (with the wet layer) - do they actually hold a whole wee? Daft question probably, but I cannot find an answer anywhere so I bought some nappy pants as a transition between traditional nappies and the training pull ups. I would really like to start using the training pull ups but need to manage my own expectations of what they will hold before they spring a leak everywhere!

Mine was a late trainer too - I also had the 'i'm a baby, not a big girl' so I think her reluctance was part of that too. She still hates change and dislikes getting older!
Our breakthrough came at bath time. I thought she was about to wee so whipped off her nappy to get her ready for the bath and kept the taps running, she was hopping around and asking for the nappy back and I said why not have a wee in the potty? She was so desperate and realised that the nappy wasn't going back on until after the bath that she gave in. But was so pleased with herself that she was pretty much dry in nappies from then.

My DS has just turned 3 and isn't potty trained yet, have tried a couple of times and he is happy enough to sit on the potty or toilet , but after a few times he will say no when i ask him to go, then he'll have an accident, then another, then another. The day always starts well but goes downhill, I get fed up after going through 6 trouser changes that I put a nappy on 😫

Lots of great practical advice here - thank you!
Also feeling reassured by the amount of posters in the same boat.
Honestly, I was expecting a lot of people calling me a lazy mother, but even those who think I need to up the ante are being supportive and I really appreciate that :o)