Potty Training Pressure!

[LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith]

DS has just turned 3 and I feel like I am under a huge amount of pressure to get him potty trained ASAP.
It seems to be coming from everywhere - family members, friends with kids of similar age, even the CM (who is brilliant).
Problem is that DS is really not into the idea! He was interested months ago and did indeed use the potty once, but then he completely went off of it and became really upset every time it was mentioned. This coincided with other things - suddenly wanting to be spoon fed all of the time, wanting nappies instead of nappy pants, huge separation anxiety and saying he wanted to be a baby and not a big boy.
Recently he is less upset and has shown more curiosity - he comes to the toilet with us at home and understands all about it, a couple of times he has asked to use the potty but then thrown some kind of decoy and backed out at the last moment (before trousers are off).
I fear that if I sit him on the potty or try to encourage him further he will become upset and this will set us back.
I feel that we know our son well and it isn't a big deal if he isn't using the potty / toilet yet. He generally only likes to try something new once he is completely confident and then he totally smashes it.
However, mounting pressure / questioning from all over the shop has me doubting myself - should I do more?
YANBU - keep at it and let him take his time
YABU - try harder / deploy tactics
If you vote YABU please consider offering some tips / experiences to help!

Oh sorry - that was to win

Sadly I just don't have enough annual leave to take a week off and dedicate to potty training at home. I get statutory annual leave, bank holidays come out of it and the company closes for two weeks over Christmas, so it doesn't leave much and we tend to go away / have special day trips with that time if possible. I do not work on Fridays, so have a three day weekend - maybe that would be a good start?

Nobody wants to take time off to potty train, particularly. I would have much rather spent the may half term taking my kids out considering the glorious weather but I knew the potty training had to be done. I'm a single parent btw.

It sounds like you have a partner going by your posts so is it an option for you to each take one day of annual leave around your 3 days weekend, that would be 5 days. Or you could do it over a bank holiday weekend (enough of those to choose from in the spring/summer) and that would give you 6 days.

I think you need to just give it a few more months. Set your cut off point aka just before he is going to start school and HAS to. Then just relax and leave until then. I was lucky as my son asked to potty train at 2 and it took 2 days (I had tried 5 months earlier, he had got the concept but couldn’t be bothered so I tabled it after a few days until he was ready).

A friend of mine has been potty training her 3 year old for 6+ months. He is not potty trained. It’s exhausting for her and I don’t know how she keeps putting herself through it.

When they aren’t ready they aren’t ready snd it just causes so much stress for everyone.

@SarahJessicaParker1

I don't think the issue is necessarily that slightly less gentle potty training doesn't "work" / get the results the parent wants. It's more that there can be longterm affects on children who are pressured too much to potty train before they're ready. Not implying your dcs were pressured too much BTW! But I think that post you quoted is partly right about waiting till they're ready.

I definitely know parents who went at it hell for leather when their dcs hit 18mo. I have no idea why except that maybe because they'd been told it's wrong to have a 2yo in nappies or something and they were desperate to avoid that stigma.

I did it early (but not that early) because I just didn't want to waste any more money than necessary on nappies. Also the Oh Crap book gave me confidence it could be done.

@cadburyegg
Apologies, I didn't mean to sound careless saying that I was hoping not to use my tiny amount of annual leave on toilet training. Of course, I understand it is important but I was hoping to avoid that scenario if possible.
Anyway - CM has just announced that she is closed for 11 days over Easter so if we haven't cracked this but by then it seems like the ideal time!

@SarahJessicaParker1

We had one dc who was so easy to potty train and was fully trained at about 2 and a half. Then another dc who still struggles at going on four!

I think, if you can, setting aside a few days to just potty train is a good idea. But don't worry unnecessarily. There are children at our dc preschool who aren't trained till they're almost at the end of preschool.

One thing with our second dc was that he was worried about poo going down the loo! Sounds strange but he was a bit scared of that. We used an app called poo goes home to pooland. It is a story about a poo - weird to grown ups but really resonated with my 3yo!

Good luck!

So much great advice on this thread.

@SarahJessicaParker1 's app suggestion is great (thank you SJP1!). Wondering if there's an equivalent app story for wee?

we are now 6 weeks out of nappies and he has great bladder control and can hold his wee for nearly 2 hours which I assume comes from the fact he is bigger

Not really. My daughter weighs under 10kg and goes over 2 hours between wees .

The number of things I have to encourage/coax/bribe/cajole my toddler to do that she is "not really into" fucking hates, actually is vast. I don't just not do them. Because they are things she needs to do, I know better than her, and her ability to cut off her nose to spite her face is legendary. I never see why potty training us the exception. You can't make them do it but there are loads of creative ways to encourage a reluctant child into it and at 3 I'd be trying them all.

I definitely know parents who went at it hell for leather when their dcs hit 18mo. I have no idea why except that maybe because they'd been told it's wrong to have a 2yo in nappies or something and they were desperate to avoid that stigma.

A nanny friend told me get it done before age 2 & 3m. After this is when many of the challenges emerge because they are way more aware of what is going on (so all the weird phobias of potty/toilet/flush, the fear that it's a bit of their body coming out, the thinking its gross/dirty, the being too busy playing, all the ingrained toddler habits of hiding behind sofa for a poo, the reluctance to change a familiar routine, the stubbornness). Honestly if you try it on a 23/24m old you get none of this. I genuinely think its harder to potty train a 2 and 9m old than a just turned 2, because of how psychological it becomes in their little heads.

People used to potty train much earlier because washing and changing cloth diapers was so much work. Nursery schools that refused to accept children in diapers were another powerful motivation Be consistent, and let children feel wet. They won’t learn unless you insist.

Ericaequites

Funnily enough people in many countries world wide still manage to have the vast majority of kids out of nappies by age 2. They don't seem to have problem with "readiness" we have in the west and they dont seem to have lifelong "issues" from pushing it earlier either

We tried everything to get my daughter to potty train over the space of about 6 months. In the end we realised we just needed to wait until she was ready. Low and behold not long after that she woke up and said she didn’t want to wear a nappy and hasn’t since (with very few accidents). She was 3 years 3 months

Personally, and said very gently, but I do think YABU. Late potty training has only emerged since nappies became more convenient to either wash or bin. This is just my opinion. But I honestly think the big obstacle is that we, the adults, can't cope with the frequent accidents at the start. But when you think about it - how else does anyone

Just to add I felt pressure from family and the nursery to get her potty trained, but many of my friends just said she would do it when she was ready. I talked about it with my husband and we agreed to just wait until she was ready.

Ds wasn't interested in the potty, we started getting him dry during the summer at our caravan as we were never more than 10 foot from the toilet. He finally completely cracked it on holiday as my dad had bladder problems & every time he went to the toilet ds went with him

I can't understand waiting until they are ready as then the process is quicker. I think 3 is too old for nappies. The waste, cost, lack of independence.
As soon as I thought mine were able, I just took nappies away. That simple. It worked like this
DS1 - 28 months. Had a few accidents, was fine within a week.
DD1 - 18 months. Never had an accident.
DD2 - 24 months. Had a few accidents, fine within a week, continued to have an occasional accident for the next few months.
We didn't use potties or anything. Just put them on the toilet.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Yep nappies cannot be an option, only at night/ otherwise your child thinks they have choice- they don’t. It’s not about making it scary or bullying them or making it something they get rewarded for - it’s just right now you wear pants and move on.

Oh this yes. Once you’ve decided you have the conversation and explain that nappies are gone and that you’re going to help them learn to use the potty / toilet from now on. Accidents don’t mean they are not ready. In fact, accidents are helpful as they are how the child learns.

Pull up are nappies and should be gone too.

I’ve seen a few people referring to leaving it until a child asks as “gentle” and what I think is interesting is that Sarah Ockwell Smith, she of the “gentle” parenting books and methods has a gentle potty training book and is not remotely a proponent of just waiting them out, which often means 3 years or even older. She is more of the opinion that children are potty training very late now because nappies are so good - as in, a child doesn’t feel wet at all meaning they have no incentive to get out of nappies and worse, are not really even aware so much themselves of when they are going. Virtually all children are ready far before they will tell you or specifically ask to ditch the nappies and her method is pretty old school - just explaining, ditching the nappies completely, being patient and loving and not disciplining but also no going back. That’s not un-gentle at all.

It was helpful that I used cloth nappies. I could tell when the wee was getting more spaced out and heavier and with my second it made life very difficult because she would often flood out of them. I knew she was ready and I was pretty incentivised to go for it because it meant no more washing!

Just because a child gets upset at a change in routine doesn’t mean they are incapable or that the change isn’t actually better for them! Like moving from a bottle of milk to a cup, some children transition without a peep some with complaint but we as the adults know what is best for dentistry etc. Children don’t have the knowledge at 3 to make rational responses consistently, it’s their care-givers job to promote self-care etc. I have seven children, they’ve all toilet trained between age 2 and age 3 - I make the decision to start based on individual speech ability/understanding of simple commands/awareness. I organise a week of quiet activity-wise and just do it: start the first morning having made that decision in my head that we don’t have nappies in daytime now. Definitely no pull-ups to confuse them! Yes there’s a few accidents the first couple of days but it’s surprising how quickly they get it. Calm authority, reassurance, praise, and it’s done. When we dither, children feel the uncertainty in boundaries and react, that’s what is best avoided.

Try it, if it doesn’t work and they aren’t interested then quit and try again in a month or 3.
Seriously it’s ok to quit.

My oldest was trained by 2 and a bit.
She refused to go back to pull ups when she broke her leg at almost 3 (it was a bloody nightmare as I was 30 weeks pregnant and carrying her to the loo everytime she needed to go.)
While her sister bluntly refused to toilet train till 3.5 once she decided she wanted to use the loo. She was ready and it was easy, prior it was a fight and argument to even suggest sitting on it before a bath.

Re training before 24 mo (although possibku a little irrelevant as op's dc is 3), I think earlier potty training can have some physical health benefits. However, earlier potty training was associated with coercive and punitive methods. I am sure that modern early potty training methods are much more gentle. However, if a child is not ready in terms of their ability to understand or if they are a potty refuser, it is difficult to achieve gentle potty training before they are ready. And that varies from child to child as I and others have found even among siblings in our families.

But it is definitely worth trying if you feel your dc is ready. Op doesn't seem to though. A blanket "must be trained by..." is as helpful a statement as "must be breastfed", "must be baby led weaned", "must have no screen time until the age of 6". These are all beneficial too.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Sorry but there is no gently with potty training- that’s why people have 3 or 4 year olds not trained it’s ridiculous. Unless your child has additional needs or a speech delay issue then they should be potty trained come 3-3.5. It’s about giving up the nappies (except for bed time)- no mixed messages, no option. The oh crap method if followed is superb. My only note is some kids cope better with a toilet than a potty but asides from that just do it.

I sort of agree with this. My daughter showed none of these special signs people talk about at 2yrs 3m but we were self isolating so it was convenient. We just told her it was happening and she didn't have any accidents after day 2. She can be very stubborn so I don't know how long it would have taken if we'd waited for her to 'agree' to it.

I'm on the side of it just gets done but parents aren't willing to accept the multiple accidents. It's not about gently asking them if they would like to use a toilet. By 3 they just get pants and encouraged a lot but they need to feel thr wet pants and understand instinctively when a wee or poo is coming and that ita not nice to do it in your pants.

That's not a judge comment I just agree with others who point out that potty training is getting later because disposable nappies make it easier to keep them in them. Also the child doesn't have such a wet bum.

I think the problem is parents waiting fir the child to willingly embrace it rather than just cracking on with it imperfectly.

If you potty train when they are ready, it's easier.
Dd was about 2y9m and was happy to give up her nappies, but had quite a few accidents if she was busy playing. 2 weeks later we noticed her night nappies were dry so she was out of nappies completely within a fortnight with no stress to her and maybe a month or so of occasional accidents.
We therefore tried with Ds at 2y9m but he was so upset and begging for his nappy each time we took him to the toilet. So we didn't go beyond 1 day. Tried again on a Saturday a month later - still really upset. Kept trying one Saturday each month until 3y1m and it clicked. Took him into nursery on the Tuesday potty trained; nursery were amazed how he'd just suddenly got it. It wasn't sudden though, just a softly softly approach at home. Being that big older than dd, we haven't had the issue with accidents at all. He's still very wet in his night nappies though, so not ready to drop those.
My children have had friends at nursery who have come out of nappies before 2 and still having accidents at 4 - I just don't understand carrying on and causing stress and upset all that time.

Plus I use cloth nappies - so the disposables are easy comment doesn't apply to everyone who toilet trains later.

We used the ‘oh crap’ training method. The biggest rule is that once you start you don’t turn back. Fully commit. There is no leaving the potty out ‘as an option’ or giving up and trying again later. That is where they are expected to go.

I potty trained my ds at this age ish just before he turned 3. He didn't show any 'signs' but I knew he could hold his wee in a long time and I felt like he was old enough. I bought him some batman pants which he really really wanted, and told him he could have them if he went 2 days without wetting himself. Made him a sticker chart. He wet himself twice in the entire process of potty training. He also went straight for the toilet really, didn't bother with a potty. And was dry at night straight away. I'm sharing this just to say that you might not need to wait for signs, if you think he's old enough to understand. Also bribery is your friend!

I saw some comments about timers etc. Personally I wouldn't do that. You want him to be master of his own bladder! Other than asking if he needs to go before you leave the house, I would leave him to it. My experience with my older Dd is that asking about it just leads to them being stubborn!