Potty Training Pressure!

[LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith]

DS has just turned 3 and I feel like I am under a huge amount of pressure to get him potty trained ASAP.
It seems to be coming from everywhere - family members, friends with kids of similar age, even the CM (who is brilliant).
Problem is that DS is really not into the idea! He was interested months ago and did indeed use the potty once, but then he completely went off of it and became really upset every time it was mentioned. This coincided with other things - suddenly wanting to be spoon fed all of the time, wanting nappies instead of nappy pants, huge separation anxiety and saying he wanted to be a baby and not a big boy.
Recently he is less upset and has shown more curiosity - he comes to the toilet with us at home and understands all about it, a couple of times he has asked to use the potty but then thrown some kind of decoy and backed out at the last moment (before trousers are off).
I fear that if I sit him on the potty or try to encourage him further he will become upset and this will set us back.
I feel that we know our son well and it isn't a big deal if he isn't using the potty / toilet yet. He generally only likes to try something new once he is completely confident and then he totally smashes it.
However, mounting pressure / questioning from all over the shop has me doubting myself - should I do more?
YANBU - keep at it and let him take his time
YABU - try harder / deploy tactics
If you vote YABU please consider offering some tips / experiences to help!

I would tell people you are going to potty train when you get some nice weather after Easter just to shut people up. A few months is a long time for a 3 year old. Then you DS can pee all over the garden instead of your carpet. However, if you DS gives you any inclining he wants to do it then go for it now. My DD took no interest and then decided one day at nursery just after her third birthday that she wanted to use the toilet and took her nappy off and that was that!

@Beamur I'm going to give this a go but my DS will probably just wee in the bath!!
@StrawberrySanta If I am honest, I am not looking forward to all of the trouser changing / wee everywhere malarkey. I am worried that I am putting it off for that very reason and just telling myself that DS isn't ready - this is the self doubt that I refer to and the reason that I started this thread.

My son was almost 3, I'm afraid I took a very laid back attitude (against my M-I-L's advice) probably because I had no experience of this and although I introduced him to his potty, he wasn't that interested. I left it near the toilet and, one day, I pretended not to notice and he just obliged all by himself! Each child is different so I don't think you can generalise, just go with what you feel is right for both of you.

We did three days of nakedness (just her, not me ) when DD was 2.5 and didn't go anywhere. By day 3, 90% of wees were going in the potty. We introduced pants a couple of days in, as the extra layer of complexity needed to get them up and down in time isn't helpful when starting out, IMO. When she went back to nursery she had a few accidents adjusting to a new setting and routine but for the last five months she has been 100% dry during the day anywhere.

I think the nakedness really helped as the feeling of the pee running down her legs helped her link that to the feeling of needing to go. Normal pull-ups just absorb like nappies - we used them with DD for ages before thinking about potty training. Bambino Mio do washable training pants that are a bit absorbent for small accidents but not fully, but tbh DD never really wore them and we just moved from nakedness to proper pants.

Ds1 never showed signs of interest so we took the plunge. He wasnt impressed but needed to be toilet trained for local pre-pre school on 3rd birthday. We discovered he hated being wet so left pants and shorts on him so he soon came to conclusion it was easier just to pee in the potty than be wet and have to get changed / be cleaned each time - we spent 4 days indoors. He wasnt night trained until 5.

Ironically ds2 who's asd pretty much took his nappy off and was like no more when he was 2 - I think because he was in cloth nappies he didnt like feeling damp.

@Slayduggee

I would tell people you are going to potty train when you get some nice weather after Easter just to shut people up. A few months is a long time for a 3 year old. Then you DS can pee all over the garden instead of your carpet. However, if you DS gives you any inclining he wants to do it then go for it now. My DD took no interest and then decided one day at nursery just after her third birthday that she wanted to use the toilet and took her nappy off and that was that!

Maybe I should start saying this anyway - just to get people off my back! Our carpets are already 30 years old and thread-bare the last thing I need is for them to be p*ss soaked ;o) We are in a rented house (have been there for 12 years and will be there for a good while yet) so cannot just change the carpets ourselves.

I think the main mistake people make is not committing to it and going for a halfway house, which gives mixed messages and takes longer. So however/whenever you decide to do it, I would dedicate a few days to just staying in and cracking potty training, then after that, trips to the park/shops/wherever all without nappies, and either be prepared to leg it to the toilet or take a carry potty with you (there are some on Amazon etc that have a lid that shuts and look like a little suitcase). Take spare clothes in case of accidents. You can also get liners for car seats in case they wee in the car so then you can just change the liner but the car seat is still dry.

Following. DD is dry through the day with wees and is in knickers not nappies, but no poos in the potty/toilet. She waits until she alone at bed time with a nappy on. She did 2 in the potty, but then was constipated one day and it caused huge problems with going at all (would hold it for days) so right now I'm happy that she is going daily again and keeping pressure off but wondering how to move forward with poos in the toilet or potty.

We followed the oh crap method for wees and to be honest I wouldn't do it again as I wonder if that's what's caused a reluctance with poos - sometimes she will have her night time poo and then doesn't want her nappy changed (not always but every now and then) so I feel like she didn't feel that she had control over the process for a while.

I really think having them fully dressed day 1 is just making life so much harder for yourself and them. It's tricky for a toddler to undress themselves quickly and speed is very much of the essence when they are learning as you don't get any notice. At first they will most likely just pee without noticing, and you won't notice quickly enough either if they are dressed. When naked, you can rush them quickly to potty when peeing begins and not have to wrestle with clothing or go through multiple changes a day. We never got through dozens of clothes in a day because she simply wasn't wearing anything on bottom half for the first three or so days while she learned.

When we introduced pants and trousers back, she needed help at first to get them up and down but quickly learned to do it herself.

And yes, you need to set aside time for it I think. Some kids organically want to use potty and will use it themselves if left out, but others need to be helped on the way. When we thought DD was ready, I chose three days we had nowhere to be and committed to it. We went nowhere, stocked up on carpet and floor cleaner and just went for it. I think kids do need to be ready, but that doesn't necessarily mean leaving it entirely to them to just start using the potty if it's sitting around the place.

My 3 year old boy held it for 5 hours as he was adamant he wasn't peeing on the toilet - turns out he wanted big boy wee (standing up). He did it by himself about a week or so later after I gave up with toilet training - poo has been a different story (although he's just about cracked it now)

My eldest daughter was 3.5 before she was potty trained. She just wouldn't do it. I felt really self conscious about it. However when we eventually did it she picked it up quickly and was dry at night quickly afterwards. I'm now pleased I didn't pressurise her to do it sooner.
I have a second daughter now and I won't be rushing into it.

When I say potty trained. She would never use the potty - I think we missed the boat with that. She used the toilet straight away

You know your child best and if you think he isn't quite ready yet then you should ignore other people's advice/thoughts on the matter and wait until he is ready. My DD had just turned 3 when we started potty training her and it took a few months until she got it. I think if we had tried earlier it would have just been frustrating and upsetting for her and us. I needed to have her potty trained by the time she started pre-school and we managed that but it did take us a few months to get there. We still use pull-ups at night because she's not dry through the night yet but I'm not concerned about that - it'll come in it's own time.

I'd ignore the comments from other people who think a child needs to be potty trained by a certain age. Your DC will get it when they're ready and trying to force the matter beforehand will just cause a lot of stress and anxiety. Initially my DD just wanted to climb on the potty and sit in it so we started with an adaptable seat on the toilet but eventually she got used to what the potty was for.

@Starcaller

I really think having them fully dressed day 1 is just making life so much harder for yourself and them. It's tricky for a toddler to undress themselves quickly and speed is very much of the essence when they are learning as you don't get any notice. At first they will most likely just pee without noticing, and you won't notice quickly enough either if they are dressed. When naked, you can rush them quickly to potty when peeing begins and not have to wrestle with clothing or go through multiple changes a day. We never got through dozens of clothes in a day because she simply wasn't wearing anything on bottom half for the first three or so days while she learned.

When we introduced pants and trousers back, she needed help at first to get them up and down but quickly learned to do it herself.

I second this. Ditch the clothes! Well the outer layer at least. I found it easier with just pants as without I seemed to miss the wee and just notice a wet patch later on the floor. At least with pants you can see they are wet. Plus it contains the poo better!

Then once they've got the hang of it dress in easy to pull down stuff, joggers or even PJ bottoms if you've got lots of those.
And get looooooads of pants in. And be prepared to bin some (there were just some poo accidents I couldn't face washing out (lazy I know).
Thank fully I'm well clear of any potty training for some time now, but I remember that part of it all too well.

I do remember though putting some of those bed wetting mat things on the car seat whenever we went out, just in case.

my son is similar close to his 4 bday and it's been a crap xmas because he didnt want to do his crap in the potty, but i think how much longer can i delay this.
he's gone into nursery today with no nappies, hopefuly he'll have helped more than at home..

I’m sorry but by 3 really should be trained unless other issues. A very common thread in these posts is ‘we tried for a bit but then went back to nappies.’ Of course that won’t work!
Just do it. No more nappies in daytime. At all. Ever.
Give a chocolate or sticker or something if they do a wee or poo on potty.
Accept there will be regular accidents for first few days to a week.
Just do it.

I think the main mistake people make is not committing to it and going for a halfway house, which gives mixed messages and takes longer. So however/whenever you decide to do it, I would dedicate a few days to just staying in and cracking potty training, then after that, trips to the park/shops/wherever all without nappies, and either be prepared to leg it to the toilet or take a carry potty with you (there are some on Amazon etc that have a lid that shuts and look like a little suitcase). Take spare clothes in case of accidents. You can also get liners for car seats in case they wee in the car so then you can just change the liner but the car seat is still dry.

Totally agree with this, 100%

I would wait until the warmer weather - and for you to be able to be mostly at home for at least a few days to dedicate to it. I potty trained both of mine in the May/June after their 3rd birthdays (which were in February/March). I dedicated a week to being at home with them (with DS1 I was on maternity leave, with DS2 I took AL as it was also half term), told them no more nappies from X day and decided that if they hadn't got the gist of it within a week I'd go back to nappies and wait. Had a bit of luck with DS2 last year in that the week we chose happened to coincide with a heat wave so it was even easier with washing and him running around with not much on and he did a few wees in the garden and it wasn't a big deal (although he still enjoys a wild wee!). I encouraged them to run around bare bummed also. I think I loosely followed the oh crap method but more relaxed, I don't entirely agree with her advice on age because IMO the later you start the easier it is.

Neither of mine showed much interest in the potty beforehand. I do think that with some children you need to push it a little bit and nappies are made so well these days that they don't feel uncomfortable when wet, so there's little incentive for them to do it on their own. With mine neither of them saw the need to use a potty or toilet because why would they want to have to interrupt playing to go! But I also decided to wait until both of mine were 3 and they understood when I said that nappies during the day were for little babies and toddlers not big kids. I noticed that a lot of my friends who got their children out of nappies when had only just turned 2 had several months of constant accidents and several clothes changes a day, kids who take months on end to get the hang of it aren't really "trained" IMO.

Both of mine started off on potties, with DS1 the potty fairy came in the night eventually and replaced each potty with a toy. DS2 still uses a potty occasionally (he's now 3y 10m) and I'll probably do the same shortly after he turns 4

Timer suggestion reminded me of DD potty training. My mum bought an old fashioned kitchen timer that buzzed - idea being timer buzzers you remember to take them to toilet to try. Supermarket in store bakeries had similar buzzers - she did a wee on floor in Tesco and I can vividly recall running though Morrisons to toilets with her when buzzer went off.

@Thereareliterallynonamesleft

I think the main mistake people make is not committing to it and going for a halfway house, which gives mixed messages and takes longer. So however/whenever you decide to do it, I would dedicate a few days to just staying in and cracking potty training, then after that, trips to the park/shops/wherever all without nappies, and either be prepared to leg it to the toilet or take a carry potty with you (there are some on Amazon etc that have a lid that shuts and look like a little suitcase). Take spare clothes in case of accidents. You can also get liners for car seats in case they wee in the car so then you can just change the liner but the car seat is still dry.

1000% no one waits for their child to request food, we just wean them and of course there’s mess and it’s a little hellish but that’s children for you. Children without additional needs are ready by 3, it’s the flip flopping parents who sometimes want an easy day (like we all do sometimes) and whack on a nappy that set kids back. Of course some children take longer than others but it’s simply a case of persistence. When we ventured out during potty training it wasn’t time pressured, I said once you do a wee we will go out, sat her on the potty and said just try. Once they did a wee we left the house, when we got somewhere sometimes I’d sit her on the toilet or potty in the loo to try again.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers
@Afreshstart2021
I really appreciate your advice - when you say "just do it" do you mean I should just stop putting him in nappies and hang on in there?

@cadburyegg
Sadly I just don't have enough annual leave to take a week off and dedicate to potty training at home. I get statutory annual leave, bank holidays come out of it and the company closes for two weeks over Christmas, so it doesn't leave much and we tend to go away / have special day trips with that time if possible. I do not work on Fridays, so have a three day weekend - maybe that would be a good start?

Yep nappies cannot be an option, only at night/ otherwise your child thinks they have choice- they don’t. It’s not about making it scary or bullying them or making it something they get rewarded for - it’s just right now you wear pants and move on.

I let my son go pantless around the house, I also set the potty in one room Infront of a mirror where I placed some interesting hats of mine for him to try on when he was on the potty. I never moved the potty and within a week he was basically potty trained

Just yesterday I changed my 2y10m year old dirty nappy, he said yes when I asked him if he wanted to wear his duggee pants and use the potty.

On my return from getting said pants I witnessed him bent over legs akimbo watching himself wee on the carpet, right next to the fucking potty .

We’ve been familiarising him with the potty for about a year, He loves putting Elmo to sit on it.

Family are on my back (yes not DH/dads funnily enough) but until his speech improves so he can reliably tell us of his needs, I’m not forcing the issue.

Lots of good tips and like others have said my plan is once we start properly, that’s it. No nappies at all and I’ll suffer the consequences.

@Afreshstart2021

I’m sorry but by 3 really should be trained unless other issues. A very common thread in these posts is ‘we tried for a bit but then went back to nappies.’ Of course that won’t work! Just do it. No more nappies in daytime. At all. Ever. Give a chocolate or sticker or something if they do a wee or poo on potty. Accept there will be regular accidents for first few days to a week. Just do it.

That's all well and good, until it becomes a medical issue. DS was so resistant to using the potty when we tried this "cold turkey" approach at 2.5 that he started to withhold from pooing altogether, which leads to constipation. At one point he didn't go for 3 days and the advice from his GP, HV and our nursery was to wait until he was ready next time rather than have this happen again.