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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Potty Training Pressure!

153 replies

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 04/01/2022 14:19

DS has just turned 3 and I feel like I am under a huge amount of pressure to get him potty trained ASAP.
It seems to be coming from everywhere - family members, friends with kids of similar age, even the CM (who is brilliant).
Problem is that DS is really not into the idea! He was interested months ago and did indeed use the potty once, but then he completely went off of it and became really upset every time it was mentioned. This coincided with other things - suddenly wanting to be spoon fed all of the time, wanting nappies instead of nappy pants, huge separation anxiety and saying he wanted to be a baby and not a big boy.
Recently he is less upset and has shown more curiosity - he comes to the toilet with us at home and understands all about it, a couple of times he has asked to use the potty but then thrown some kind of decoy and backed out at the last moment (before trousers are off).
I fear that if I sit him on the potty or try to encourage him further he will become upset and this will set us back.
I feel that we know our son well and it isn't a big deal if he isn't using the potty / toilet yet. He generally only likes to try something new once he is completely confident and then he totally smashes it.
However, mounting pressure / questioning from all over the shop has me doubting myself - should I do more?
YANBU - keep at it and let him take his time
YABU - try harder / deploy tactics
If you vote YABU please consider offering some tips / experiences to help!

OP posts:
pradavilla · 05/01/2022 12:02

I'd still give it a go properly. Put him in pants and no nappies for a few days. I don't think you truly know until U try. Give it a few days, he might get it after peeing himself quite a few times. If he doesn't then bk to the nappies and at least u know u tried.

I trained my first at just turned 2 I don't think she was properly ready especially after day 1. Where she just peed everywhere but within 3 days she was dry and we were already using the toilet rather than potty.

Second born seems a lot more ready at same age and I tried for 2-3days but it was clear she just doesn't want to yet. Refused to tell us when she needed it and wld disappear and then u find her over a puddle 😂 She can certainly hold it in a lot more than her sister cld but her sister was willing. She doesn't care if she pees herself 😂 Will try again in another few weeks/months.

StressforChristmas · 05/01/2022 12:07

Three day potty training method for us when DS was 3.5. It wasn't intentional to wait that long, but glad I waited until summer. I planned it over a bank holiday weekend and we had it cracked in 2.5 days.

He's been dry day and night ever since. I'd like to say it was my amazing teaching, dedication and planning but I suspect it's more down to luck and the willingness of the child.

pengu · 05/01/2022 12:11

@StressforChristmas

Three day potty training method for us when DS was 3.5. It wasn't intentional to wait that long, but glad I waited until summer. I planned it over a bank holiday weekend and we had it cracked in 2.5 days.

He's been dry day and night ever since. I'd like to say it was my amazing teaching, dedication and planning but I suspect it's more down to luck and the willingness of the child.

Yeah everything is luck rather than clear expectations and unwavering consistency from parents.

Just luck!

Worried456776 · 05/01/2022 12:17

Sorry but you need to just take away pull ups , toddlers are awkward there’s not many that will just agree to potty training. Your giving mixed messages. Just accept they’ll be accidents put puppy pads down on furniture and get a car seat protector and just tell him he doesn’t need nappy’s anymore. My son has been trained since 2 he just sat on the potty and weed one day but for the month or two afterwards we had lots of accidents and yes he did stages of refusing to go and getting upset but I didn’t back track because they would be confusing I just reassured him and stuck with it and then it then just clicked. He’s now 2 yrs 7 months and is dry at night and wears pants at night.

Sorry but think the problem is people don’t want to deal with the accidents and hard work at first and this is why children without SEN are in nappy’s till 3-4 years. You just have too go for it especially because he’s already willingly sat on the potty. You could try the toilet and a step? Ignore the I want to be a baby comments?

Worried456776 · 05/01/2022 12:19

I also used to sometimes bribe with chocolate … it worked so I don’t care if it’s not recommended.

cherrypie66 · 05/01/2022 12:25

Don't see a prob in waiting for potty training g however the other things like wanting to be spoon fed are a no no. His not a baby he needs to be treated like a three year old and I would not budge on them things at all

EasterIssland · 05/01/2022 13:13

@Worried456776

I also used to sometimes bribe with chocolate … it worked so I don’t care if it’s not recommended.
My son refuses to sit even with bribery …
SarahJessicaParker1 · 05/01/2022 13:30

I just agree with others who point out that potty training is getting later because disposable nappies make it easier to keep them in them

That might be true, but playing devil's advocate a bit. So what? How does that affect the child? I think our expectations as adults say you can't have a child not potty trained after a certain time, but for the child themselves, it may not be truly beneficial for them to learn at a date insisted upon by an adult.

It's different parenting styles I suppose. I don't think you can parent by numbers or by laying down the law all the time, especially over things like potty training which when it crosses a line between insisting they do it and actually being coercive and punitive, is known to be detrimental to children in the longterm.

But none of this arguing is helping op really.

The thing I thought about, is that the childminder has said she thinks they should potty train. I think when one of their caregivers who presumably is experienced with children, says go for it, they are probably right.

So I do think I'd possibly be cracking on in the op's shoes. But that's because it sounds as if the child is ready for it, not because I think children have to be potty trained by X age, come what may.

NotTheOriginalFeargalSharkey · 05/01/2022 14:19

Can you buy very cheap basic nappies for him?
He will feel wet and uncomfortable when he wees in them. Obviously still protected, but he might be more aware of his body?
My ds was a late toilet trainer. I think about 3 1/2. Even at nursery, where his friends were in big boy pants... but he is also the kid who has 2 settings. Can do it. Or can't do it. And won't try until he knows he can do it.
So he might surprise you. He might be making all the connections in his head, but without telling you... and suddenly he will ditch his nappies and never have an accident.

Bunnycat101 · 05/01/2022 14:27

In all honesty I think some children don’t care and will never be ‘ready’ if you wait for them. My first was like that and we just had to rip the plaster off and go for it and deal with accidents which happened just before 3. We had to go big on reward/bribery but even then I was tearing my hair out for ages.

My second was much easier to train. She just got on with it at around 21/2, required no bribery or rewards and just did it.

If you have a child like my first there is no point waiting. You just need to crack on and be firm. I’d also say have an eye to school especially for summer babies. They can need months to be reliable and fully independent without nagging/reminding. If you wait too long into the 3s you’re not giving them as much time before school.

londonrach · 05/01/2022 14:32

My advice re potty training is not too if child is not sen. Just take Ds with you every time you need to go... My DD trained herself around 3...no accident s no pressure..dry day and night .. as long as done before they go to school.... Just my 2p worth having seen what my friends went through

Megan2018 · 05/01/2022 14:43

Potty training is harder the longer you leave it.
We used the Oh Crap! method (with a few minor deviations due to circumstances) and it was all done in a few days (daytime). Easy peasy, but the parents have to lead and be 100% committed, no faffing.

It's just a bit of wee and poo - it really isn't such a big deal if you don't make it one. It all cleans up, no-one dies from touching it. Washing machines deal with clothes so it doesn't matter if you get through 10 changes a day (we never did - i think the most was 3).

Most problems occur because of the parents projecting their own issues and anxieties. Kids learn new things every day, potty training is no different. You don't agonise if they are "ready" to hold a pen, you just give them one, show them how to use it and let them try to make marks. Sometimes they go off the paper, sometimes they can't get the lid on/off by themselves. We don't hold up our hands in horror and take the pen away if they get it wrong.

Self isolation is a great way to do it - we were stuck at home for 10 days when DD had Covid just after her second birthday. She hadn't showed any sigh of readines especially but the opportunity was there so we cracked on (she wasn't ill with her Covid). By day 3 we were 99% there.

Sweetleftfood · 05/01/2022 14:53

Two boys who were 'late' not really just felt like it but probably about 3 Soremember the stress, everyone else seemed to have had it sorted! Once they were ready though it was so quick, try to relax and once they are ready they'll do it in no time!

NarNooNarNoo · 05/01/2022 14:54

My ds was 3 years 8 months! He showed no interest before that and wouldn't tell us when he wanted to go. We had him in pull ups during the day, and stopped pressuring / asking him. Nursery told us he was trying to copy the older children, so we took him out of pull ups that weekend - literally one wee on the floor when he forgot and no accidents since (he's 6 now!) He refused the potty and went straight to the proper toilet.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/01/2022 15:02

Potty training is harder the longer you leave it

I didn’t find this to be the case - nor did many people I know. I think you can’t make sweeping statements as so many children differ.

I agree with @SarahJessicaParker1 - certainly I don’t think “the old ways are the best” is an attitude which applies to old school ideals around potty training. There are lazy parents, yes. Lots of children could be trained sooner. But equally lots of children back in the day were punished or force to sit on a potty for hours a day and that’s not right. We know more about child psychology now than we ever did. I absolutely don’t see the issue with letting children go at their own pace, within reason. As I said, my son trained in 2 days when he was 2 (having hated it a few months earlier) but I think it would be foolish to assume every child is the same and that the earlier the better etc. The older a child is, the more they can physically hold their bladder snd control bowel movements, and the more they can actually understand concepts.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/01/2022 15:16

The risk with leaving it until they seem ready is what if they never seem ready? How long do you wait?

In my experience 3 year olds tend to be more stubborn with a more definite opinion of what they don't like and don't want to do. I can believe it's easier if you have a willing 3 year but it's got to be harder with an unwilling one. 2 year olds are less mature but seem to accept it better when you tell them this is how it is now.

Sweetleftfood · 05/01/2022 15:35

@WhatNoRaisins

The risk with leaving it until they seem ready is what if they never seem ready? How long do you wait?

In my experience 3 year olds tend to be more stubborn with a more definite opinion of what they don't like and don't want to do. I can believe it's easier if you have a willing 3 year but it's got to be harder with an unwilling one. 2 year olds are less mature but seem to accept it better when you tell them this is how it is now.

True but at 3 they are usually a bit more verbal? both mine (bilingual, may have something to do with it) where late talkers and I could not have had the 'conversation' about going to the potty or toilet when they were two. 13 and 15 now and seem to have a problem flushing the toilet but no other issues Smile
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/01/2022 15:55

@Sweetleftfood

Absolutely agree re verbal being a big part. My son was hyper verbal from before the age of 2 so was very easy to explain to him and also to explain that he couldn’t go to nursery if not trained etc and that worked a treat. If you can’t reason or explain to them and they can’t communicate their wants or needs it’s a LOT harder. He literally came to me with a book with a photo of a potty and was like “please buy this for me”. My friends with non verbal children have struggled on and on

WhatNoRaisins · 05/01/2022 15:56

I don't think you need many words. To be fair of the first ones mine learned was poo. I think as long as they can understand some simple instructions they can start.

In my case I got sick of changing nappies and that outweighed any inconvenience of cleaning the floor and chucking leggings in the wash.

stiltonandcrackers · 05/01/2022 16:14

I have had 2 children that have potty trained between 3-3.5 years. The first my DD, I just waited until she was ready and like clockwork on her 3rd birthday or thereabouts, she was, day and night. Very easy.

I had the same plan with DS but did not quite work the same!! He passed 3 and no interest whatsoever, we were approaching 3.5 and I figured if I am waiting for this one to be ready it's going to be a long time!! I told him one day that at the start of summer holidays from nursery we would have no more day time nappies and he had to wear pants and use the toilet. I seriously was dreading this, but this was on the advice of a good friend who is an early years teacher. I could not believe my eyes once we started he was brilliant, took it all in his stride and within a week was hardly having any accidents.

You know your child best, if you think just biting the bullet and going cold turkey with him is what he needs then give it a go!

Dixiechickonhols · 05/01/2022 16:50

My mum was a teacher in a special school for many years working with the youngest children. They prioritised getting children toilet trained as it made such a difference to quality of life of the child and their carers. These were usually non verbal children with profound issues but they did manage it for many. She didn’t put much score by the wait until they are verbal/ask to go as it wasn’t necessary in her experience.

pengu · 05/01/2022 17:07

@WhatNoRaisins

I don't think you need many words. To be fair of the first ones mine learned was poo. I think as long as they can understand some simple instructions they can start.

In my case I got sick of changing nappies and that outweighed any inconvenience of cleaning the floor and chucking leggings in the wash.

Exactly. Mine was speech delayed but was fully day trained by 2.5, and night trained by 3
Drinkingallthewine · 05/01/2022 17:09

Yeah everything is luck rather than clear expectations and unwavering consistency from parents.

Just luck!

I said I followed a specific method - all methods contain clear expectations and consistency. I would have thought that was a given that we did that.

But it is luck to have a child who takes easily and quickly to potty training, and also luck to have a child who has sufficient antidiuretic hormone to enable them to avoid bedwetting.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/01/2022 17:09

If anything I'd worry that a more verbal child would just say "I don't want to use the potty, I want to keep using nappies".

Justgettingbye · 05/01/2022 17:33

I would not bother with pull ups they're basically nappies and giving mixed messages. With mine the nappy came off and pants went on or she was naked from the waist down.
There were wee accidents on the floor, no poos tho. It was hard yes but we stuck to it and a few days later she was dry at night