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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Potty Training Pressure!

153 replies

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 04/01/2022 14:19

DS has just turned 3 and I feel like I am under a huge amount of pressure to get him potty trained ASAP.
It seems to be coming from everywhere - family members, friends with kids of similar age, even the CM (who is brilliant).
Problem is that DS is really not into the idea! He was interested months ago and did indeed use the potty once, but then he completely went off of it and became really upset every time it was mentioned. This coincided with other things - suddenly wanting to be spoon fed all of the time, wanting nappies instead of nappy pants, huge separation anxiety and saying he wanted to be a baby and not a big boy.
Recently he is less upset and has shown more curiosity - he comes to the toilet with us at home and understands all about it, a couple of times he has asked to use the potty but then thrown some kind of decoy and backed out at the last moment (before trousers are off).
I fear that if I sit him on the potty or try to encourage him further he will become upset and this will set us back.
I feel that we know our son well and it isn't a big deal if he isn't using the potty / toilet yet. He generally only likes to try something new once he is completely confident and then he totally smashes it.
However, mounting pressure / questioning from all over the shop has me doubting myself - should I do more?
YANBU - keep at it and let him take his time
YABU - try harder / deploy tactics
If you vote YABU please consider offering some tips / experiences to help!

OP posts:

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/01/2022 18:06

@WhatNoRaisins

Well then you would be able to have a discussion with them and explain why nappies are a no go now, and they will respond. Same with everything else you discuss/explain to them

WhatNoRaisins · 05/01/2022 18:18

Personally I've never been convinced you can discuss and negotiate much with 3 year olds. They are stubborn and short term by nature in my experience. I know everyone has different approaches with this age but it's a strategy I've not found that reliable personally, giving two sensible options to chose between maybe, relying on them to understand your point of view and make a sensible decision, not so much.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/01/2022 18:19

My DS is v good at negotiating etc and v reasonable so my opinion is clouded by that.

GinUnicorn · 05/01/2022 18:23

It’s crazy how much competitive potty training there is on mumsnet. Pretty much everyone I know waiting until 3-3.5 once they showed signs of being ready. It was then really simple. They all get there and pressure doesn’t help anyone.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/01/2022 18:24

My suspicion is very much that with older toddlers it's either much easier if you get an enthusiastic one or much harder if you get a stubborn one. A bit of a gamble I suppose.

The best thing at just shy of 2 was that I found with that age they did just seem to accept things even if they didn't like them and it didn't occur to them to argue. It was the same with lockdown, I'm sure mine didn't like the changes that came but they seemed to take it in their stride in a way they just wouldn't if the same thing was to happen now.

Antsgomarching · 05/01/2022 18:33

We did at 20 months, no more nappies except nap time and bedtime. loads of accidents for a week and fewer as time went on. Shes 2yrs 2 months and we have only had the odd slightly damp knickers when she couldn’t get to loo fast enough but has had it nailed on for a few weeks now.

We did it before she got old enough to get REALLY stubborn about it. We used “oh crap”.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/01/2022 18:33

@GinUnicorn

I do feel people are very competitive about it. I would have been happy to wait until my son were older if he hadn’t suggested it first. It’s a bit like the bizarre way everyone wants their babies to wear shoes ASAP even though it’s worse for their feet.

Worried456776 · 05/01/2022 18:42

It must be awful for a child to start school and not be toilet trained. Do parents not think about that ? If you put in the hard work you can make it happen.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/01/2022 18:47

For me it wasn't about being competitive but because I was fed up of nappy changing and washing nappies.

Eggmcmuffin · 05/01/2022 19:43

My DD has just turned 3 and has almost cracked it. We tried a few times before but she hated it and got really upset. I put her in pull ups and the nursey peer pressure meant she just started using the potty and can control it really well now. She wouldn't use toilets until last weekend when we were with friends and she saw one of the other kids using the big toilet. Peer pressure seems the way to go! Although we're still struggling to get her to do a poo in the toilet. Unless there's a deadline like school approaching don't rush it.

mightbealittlebitmad · 05/01/2022 19:59

I had a nightmare with both of my kids, neither were potty trained until 3 and a half. The eldest was willing to try when he turned 3 but he was completely unreliable for the first 6 months, I've no idea how many accidents we had but it was a lot. Night time was a walk in the park, he was dry consistently for ages so I eventually took the pull ups away, hardly any accidents at all.

The youngest was incredibly stubborn and wouldn't entertain the idea of sitting on the potty until around 3 and a half. Over the course of a week still in nappies nursery got him to do a couple of dry days at nursery so that Friday I took the plunge and went with it. I can count on one hand how many accidents he had for the first 6 months, he was dry at night the very same day I took the nappies away and never an accident at home or out, just a couple at nursery whilst he was distracted.

I spent so long stressing over it and worrying they were never going to be potty trained when in hindsight I should have just let them take the lead. I suppose I had to start somewhere or they may have never been willing to take the lead but I wish I had spent less time worrying over it.

wincarwoo · 06/01/2022 09:03

@Antsgomarching

We did it before she got old enough to get REALLY stubborn about it. We used “oh crap”.

I agree with that entirely. If they get too old they protest and make it even more difficult. The ideal window is 20 to 30 months I think. Over 3 is bizarre. Who has the money to waste on nappies when you can have a happily trained and independent 2 year old.

Original poster

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 06/01/2022 15:17

Wow! Thank you for so much advice - I hadn't checked in on the thread for a little while as so many people already responded with their suggestions and I felt I had a lot to go on, but now I see that even more of you have taken time out of your life to help and I am thankful.

OP posts:

KurtWilde · 06/01/2022 16:28

I started at 20 months with all mine like PP. Committed to it during and kept them half undressed so no nappy or shorts/leggings and planned it so we had nowhere to go. Dry within a couple of weeks, if that. 90% dry occasional accidents if we were out and couldn't find a toilet quick enough. I'm not knocking anyone who waits til older so no judgements here, but I can't imagine doing that myself.

Original poster

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 06/01/2022 16:54

So....my original post was asking for advice on how to potty train a child who has just turned three.
Looking at around half of the responses I should have just started a thread "I have been stupid enough to leave potty training until my child turns three; please discuss"

I respect the point of view that three is too late, but it doesn't really help me with my problem. Aside from whether the comments are intended to be judgemental, they just aren't really relevant.

OP posts:

Original poster

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 06/01/2022 16:57

@Worried456776

It must be awful for a child to start school and not be toilet trained. Do parents not think about that ? If you put in the hard work you can make it happen.

My child is not starting school until September 2023. I am addressing potty training now (hence the thread). How long do you envisage it will take? @Worried456776

OP posts:

Original poster

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 06/01/2022 17:08

@NotTheOriginalFeargalSharkey

Can you buy very cheap basic nappies for him? He will feel wet and uncomfortable when he wees in them. Obviously still protected, but he might be more aware of his body? My ds was a late toilet trainer. I think about 3 1/2. Even at nursery, where his friends were in big boy pants... but he is also the kid who has 2 settings. Can do it. Or can't do it. And won't try until he knows he can do it. So he might surprise you. He might be making all the connections in his head, but without telling you... and suddenly he will ditch his nappies and never have an accident.

This describes my boy beautifully! He hasn't done a single thing until he is 100% confident in it. From rolling over, sitting up, walking, talking....all of them have quietly connected in his head without any outward signs and then he's just done them perfectly without warning

OP posts:

Cheeseplantboots · 06/01/2022 19:09

I never toilet trained either of my younger two. Just waited until they asked. My son was 3 1/2 , my daughter was 3. Both dry and clean from day one. Don’t give into pressure, he’s showing interest he’ll get there soon. We went shopping for knickers/pants which they both chose beforehand and that seemed to spur them on.

Sh05 · 08/01/2022 00:16

Like cheese plants above said don't give in to pressure, when he's ready it'll take no more than a few days. With my eldest I felt pressed to have h toilet trained before DD arrived, gosh the amount of accidents he had was frustrating but he was my first. With the next three I waited till they were ready which was just before their 3rd birthday and I remember I started on Thursday and by Sunday morning DD was dry day and surprisingly at night as well.

Sydendad · 08/01/2022 02:04

I say: Fuck 'em!
Their opinions don't matter.
Don't stress. He will be ready when he's ready and then it will happen suddenly and stress free. All kids are different and for some reason all kinds of people always come out with hero stories of their kids who were potty trained at 4 months, walking at 6 months and eating by them selves at 5 months. Bollocks!

pengu · 08/01/2022 10:41

I say: Fuck 'em!
Their opinions don't matter.
Don't stress. He will READ when he's ready and then it will happen suddenly and stress free. All kids are different and for some reason all kinds of people always come out with hero stories of their kids who were potty trained at 4 months, walking at 6 months and eating by them selves at 5 months. Bollocks!

I say: Fuck 'em!
Their opinions don't matter.
Don't stress. He will LEARN TO GET DRESSED when he's ready and then it will happen suddenly and stress free. All kids are different and for some reason all kinds of people always come out with hero stories of their kids who were potty trained at 4 months, walking at 6 months and eating by them selves at 5 months. Bollocks!

I say: Fuck 'em!
Their opinions don't matter.
Don't stress. He will WRITE when he's ready and then it will happen suddenly and stress free. All kids are different and for some reason all kinds of people always come out with hero stories of their kids who were potty trained at 4 months, walking at 6 months and eating by them selves at 5 months. Bollocks!

I say: Fuck 'em!
Their opinions don't matter.
Don't stress. He will UNDERSTAND ALGEBRA
when he's ready and then it will happen suddenly and stress free. All kids are different and for some reason all kinds of people always come out with hero stories of their kids who were potty trained at 4 months, walking at 6 months and eating by them selves at 5 months. Bollocks!

Children need their caregivers to help them learn new skills.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/01/2022 10:55

There needs to be a healthy medium between it being a difficult experience and it being completely stress free. It's not realistic to expect it to be stress free.

Original poster

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 08/01/2022 11:08

@pengu
WOW.
I started this thread to garner opinion on how to move on potty training my 3YO, whether it is the right time to go so and how to handle it. I don't expect him to Lear how to do it without me. I don't expect it to be stress free. However, I don't see a problem in wanting as little stress as possible for him and me. If as little stress as possible is still really quite stressful, then do be it. I would hate for the whole household to be unnecessarily stressed out because I didn't bother to ask for advice 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

pengu · 08/01/2022 13:17

[quote LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith]@pengu
WOW.
I started this thread to garner opinion on how to move on potty training my 3YO, whether it is the right time to go so and how to handle it. I don't expect him to Lear how to do it without me. I don't expect it to be stress free. However, I don't see a problem in wanting as little stress as possible for him and me. If as little stress as possible is still really quite stressful, then do be it. I would hate for the whole household to be unnecessarily stressed out because I didn't bother to ask for advice 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Wasn't aimed at you. Was aimed at the poster I quoted.

TreesoftheField · 08/01/2022 14:07

I have no idea why people love being so judgy about potty training, how does it affect other people if a 3 year old isn't potty trained??? It doesn't but you can feel superior by making some rude comments.
My 2nd was trained by 2.5 but my oldest not till 3.5. I was working full time and experiencing an awful pregnancy with ante natal depression and I still had everyone in my face making a big deal about how I would cope with 2 in nappies. I had tried multiple times with my son from 2 onwards and he wasn't getting it.
I trained him when the baby was 6 weeks old, it took 3 days and he's hardly had an accident since. You certainly couldn't look at him now and go 'oooooh he was late to be trained'
Obviously keep trying op but don't let everyone on here shame you, put your sons needs first, he will get it, it will be OK!!!

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