Potty Training Pressure!

[LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith]

DS has just turned 3 and I feel like I am under a huge amount of pressure to get him potty trained ASAP.
It seems to be coming from everywhere - family members, friends with kids of similar age, even the CM (who is brilliant).
Problem is that DS is really not into the idea! He was interested months ago and did indeed use the potty once, but then he completely went off of it and became really upset every time it was mentioned. This coincided with other things - suddenly wanting to be spoon fed all of the time, wanting nappies instead of nappy pants, huge separation anxiety and saying he wanted to be a baby and not a big boy.
Recently he is less upset and has shown more curiosity - he comes to the toilet with us at home and understands all about it, a couple of times he has asked to use the potty but then thrown some kind of decoy and backed out at the last moment (before trousers are off).
I fear that if I sit him on the potty or try to encourage him further he will become upset and this will set us back.
I feel that we know our son well and it isn't a big deal if he isn't using the potty / toilet yet. He generally only likes to try something new once he is completely confident and then he totally smashes it.
However, mounting pressure / questioning from all over the shop has me doubting myself - should I do more?
YANBU - keep at it and let him take his time
YABU - try harder / deploy tactics
If you vote YABU please consider offering some tips / experiences to help!

@Dixiechickonhols

Timer suggestion reminded me of DD potty training. My mum bought an old fashioned kitchen timer that buzzed - idea being timer buzzers you remember to take them to toilet to try. Supermarket in store bakeries had similar buzzers - she did a wee on floor in Tesco and I can vividly recall running though Morrisons to toilets with her when buzzer went off.

Sorry this made me laugh.

I use to use the alarm on my phone.

I still remember a friend of ours when our DD had finally been trained, running after his DC around his house with a potty because his phone alarm had gone off.....

I know that consistency is going to be absolutely key - if I give an inch my stubborn DS will think that he has a choice in the matter. So I need to make sure that I am ready, DW is ready, everything is ready and a strong plan is in place before we start anything seriously.
I guess I am just trying to work out if now is the time, and you have all given me a lot to think about. Thank you :o)
@OnlyFoolsnMothers I feel a bit hurt by the flip-flopping parents comment :o( I appreciate that consistency and perseverance are required in spades but if your child literally goes catatonic when they see the potty it is very difficult!

We've just started toilet training DS who's also recently turned 3.

We softly started months ago just by getting the potty out at bathtime as he always did a wee just after getting in the bath. After a while he started using the potty at bathtime by himself without prompt - even getting out mid bath to use it. So I left it at that for a good while and then when the holidays came round and we had more time I bought him a jar from a small business called Craftly - it comes with little wooden wee and poo tokens & he was so excited to use it & loves putting a token in so we started doing that about a week ago & it's been fairly successful. We timed it so he would get a good head start now and then go into nursery who I believe will help him further.

He's not doing much by the way of poos but if he ends up a bedtime nappy pooper for a while I don't mind :)

We got ds a child's urinal at 3 in the shape if a frog,it suctioned onto the wall.He lover standing up like daddy and he was potty trained in no time.

@MintyGreenDream

We got ds a child's urinal at 3 in the shape if a frog,it suctioned onto the wall.He lover standing up like daddy and he was potty trained in no time.

The standing up and weeing thing is a whole other issue....no men at our house and try asking male friends / work colleagues to help without sounding creepy!!

Going against the grain, will probably be shot down. I'm France and our children start school in their third year, so children who are three in Sept-Dec start school when they are two. Children should be mostly dry, some have accidents during nap time but they must start school in underwear. No pull ups are allowed, this includes children who have additional needs.

I potty trained my first a few weeks before school (3yrs4 months) and the second (close in age to the first) at 2.5. I firmly believe that children are ready physically around 3ish, even if they aren't dry over night. I've never understood parents who say that they tried a few months back and gave up, once the potty is introduced it shouldn't go away, and it'll drive you mad but you have to stay with it.

Go for day training, start small, every hour at the same time you ask them to sit on the potty or you get a toilet reducer with a step. Start and don't give up, being free from nappies is the best thing ever.

My son yesterday refused to wee. 2.5h took him
Yesterday to do the smallest wee ever. Would like to see how those people that are calling me lazy for not having potty trained him before would behave if something like that happens.

Oops that should say in France

See if he'll wee in the toilet standing up, put a ping pong ball in there for him to aim at.

@EasterIssland

My son yesterday refused to wee. 2.5h took him Yesterday to do the smallest wee ever. Would like to see how those people that are calling me lazy for not having potty trained him before would behave if something like that happens.

I’d start at the beginning and keep him near on naked in the living room - tv on, meals as usual and a potty.

My DS is 3.7 and has only just started, we tried everything from going cold turkey to treats and stickers but he just wasn't having it,I was feeling the pressure to get him trained but our health visitor advised us to just leave him to it and to keep chatting about how big boys use the toilet etc, and then boxing day he just announced he was a big boy now and he's done great since.

We had a lot of pressure too. Kept encouraging/mentioning but no forcing. Talked about that nice toy she'd be able to get once she used the toilet/potty.
At 3.5 she finally did it, fully trained in about 2 days. A couple of wee accidents in the first 2 weeks, just not getting there quite in time - literally right next to the loo. Dry overnight a month or two later. Easy.

If I get pressure with the second the same as the first I'll be telling them to piss off. Although she's already asked to sit on the toilet a few times so looks like she may be earlier.

With both of mine (2.5 years and the week the second one turned 2) when I decided to potty train I had really decided myself and there was no turning back. There were a lot of accidents to start with but once they get it, they get it.
I certainly wasn’t mean about it and there were no punishments or any anger but it wasn’t really a choice for them - we went for it 100%.
Definitely no pull ups because they are still a nappy.

You will have to make sure you have some time off, 3 days would hopefully be enough but if you could take the mon or maybe DW could that would be better. Accept that there will be pee everywhere and you will want to shove a nappy on every minute of the first day. Its miserable but its a process. Mine (2yr 9m) got it on day 4..I tried taking him out on day 2 as he had been perfect and he peed before we left then 7 minutes later right in the middle of waitrose and he was mortified and just peed all over the house for the next 2 days. So day 4 I was demented and said this is enough let's go out and pants on and a nappy on top under his shorts. We were in the post office queue and looked up and said oh no mummy I'm peeing and he could feel wet but no one else could see and it just clicked for him. He was dry since that day and about a week later I stopped night time nappies too.

Tbh my lovely SIL sounds pretty similar to you, she works a lot and her youngest is a very clever and stubborn little boy who adamantly refused. They kind of mixed and matched when he wore nappies or had nappy free time as one gran wouldn't babysit unless he had a nappy on. He had 2 days at nursery, 1 with mummy and 2 with each gran so everywhere was trying slightly different techniques and it had set him right back. He's going to be 4 soon and still having multiple accidents a day and will not move his bowels on the toilet and she's really struggling with the constant washing. I really feel like you (or in combination with a single childcare provider and shared plan) would be better committing a week to mucking in and getting it done rather than months of dribbles everywhere

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that’s what we did and he refuses to.

Today in nursery of course he’s been mr perfect and gons to the potty every time he’s needed to.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Sorry but there is no gently with potty training- that’s why people have 3 or 4 year olds not trained it’s ridiculous. Unless your child has additional needs or a speech delay issue then they should be potty trained come 3-3.5. It’s about giving up the nappies (except for bed time)- no mixed messages, no option. The oh crap method if followed is superb. My only note is some kids cope better with a toilet than a potty but asides from that just do it.

I second the Oh Crap method.

Speech delays shouldn't make a difference, after all we train speechless animals all the time

[quote EasterIssland]@OnlyFoolsnMothers that’s what we did and he refuses to.

Today in nursery of course he’s been mr perfect and gons to the potty every time he’s needed to.[/quote]
I do think no pressure but no leniency is the way forward. Fine if you wet yourself, fine if you want to hold your wee but we won’t go to the park until after you’ve managed to wee I’ll clap and we’ll go. I won’t stand over you, but I’ll put the potty there and you can sit on it watching tv.

After trying on and off with my second for a year, I decided to wait with my 3rd. I've just done it at 3.5 and by day 3 we had no accidents and it hasn't been stressful at all. It's much better to wait until they are actually ready.

[quote LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith]@OnlyFoolsnMothers
@Afreshstart2021
I really appreciate your advice - when you say "just do it" do you mean I should just stop putting him in nappies and hang on in there?

@cadburyegg
Sadly I just don't have enough annual leave to take a week off and dedicate to potty training at home. I get statutory annual leave, bank holidays come out of it and the company closes for two weeks over Christmas, so it doesn't leave much and we tend to go away / have special day trips with that time if possible. I do not work on Fridays, so have a three day weekend - maybe that would be a good start?[/quote]
What's more important? Going away and day trips, or toilet training your child!

Where’s your child when you’re working OP? Our nursery was great supporting our training

My ds was just over 3 when he came out of nappies. I too had been asked for a long time when I was going to ‘train’ him, but I always replied that he wasn’t a dog and I wasn’t ‘training’ him to do anything. I waited until I knew he could understand, we read books in the weeks leading upto it and then one day we just took the nappy off, had 1 accident and that was it. After 2 nights he asked not to wear a nappy for bed and was dry at night time too. I’m glad I listened to my child and did what was right for him, plus it saved trailing endless supplies of spare clothes and a potty around with us when we went out. The friends and family who had been trying to get their children out of nappies from 18 months onwards always had to have these with them, and their children would frequently have accidents, including at nursery/reception age. Maybe a coincidence, who knows!

We had one dc who was so easy to potty train and was fully trained at about 2 and a half. Then another dc who still struggles at going on four!

I think, if you can, setting aside a few days to just potty train is a good idea. But don't worry unnecessarily. There are children at our dc preschool who aren't trained till they're almost at the end of preschool.

One thing with our second dc was that he was worried about poo going down the loo! Sounds strange but he was a bit scared of that. We used an app called poo goes home to pooland. It is a story about a poo - weird to grown ups but really resonated with my 3yo!

Good luck!

Also, our preschool has been amazingly supportive. They have always said not to pressure him and that he will get it in his own time. I'll take their advice tbh.

@lobsteroll

If you wait til they are ready the whole process is much faster.

I think if you get pull ups, some of them aren't as absorbent as regular nappies so they feel a little bit more uncomfortable with the wetness so it's less appealing to wear a nappy and this might encourage the toilet more.

Oh - and also I think some kids don't like potties and prefer to go straight to the toilet - might be the case here?

This really isn't true. The Oh Crap method had mine done in less than a week at 2 years 2 months. Really recommend it.

I don't think the issue is necessarily that slightly less gentle potty training doesn't "work" / get the results the parent wants. It's more that there can be longterm affects on children who are pressured too much to potty train before they're ready. Not implying your dcs were pressured too much BTW! But I think that post you quoted is partly right about waiting till they're ready.

I definitely know parents who went at it hell for leather when their dcs hit 18mo. I have no idea why except that maybe because they'd been told it's wrong to have a 2yo in nappies or something and they were desperate to avoid that stigma.