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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a poor mother?

155 replies

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:07

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

OP posts:

Dozer · 03/01/2022 20:08

Oh no! An sorry you’re feeling like this. Sleep deprivation is the worst! Hope things improve soon.

hemhem · 03/01/2022 20:08

How old is your DC? Mine are 7 and 4 and they both still need comfort at night sometimes. I think its normal and nothing to worry about. I hate hearing children cry

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 03/01/2022 20:09

I do the same and my son is 3, at some point they’ll be able to!

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:09

Sorry I should have said. He's 17 months old 💙

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Original poster

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:09

@Dozer

Oh no! An sorry you’re feeling like this. Sleep deprivation is the worst! Hope things improve soon.

Thank you ❤

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TH22 · 03/01/2022 20:09

Mum guilt is the worse thing in the world.

Ignore whatever everyone else thinks and do what makes you happy and comfortable. Do not listen to anyone else. If you want to help him learn to self soothe, then do it. If you don't and are happy as your are, then great. He's your son and you're the mum/boss. I can assure you that your son won't be affected in his adulthood because you choose to help him sleep at night. Just concentrate on yourself and no1 else x

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:12

@TH22

Mum guilt is the worse thing in the world.

I'm happy to lie on the floor rather than let him cry it out to be honest, but my DP has mentioned that he thinks it's not the best idea. He doesn't argue with me though, he let's me decide.

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SickAndTiredAgain · 03/01/2022 20:12

He’s still in a cot, so quite young still?

You’ve not given a precise age, but I would personally be trying to get away from the hand holding, but I’d do it gradually. So first you lying there, close as you normally would be, but not holding hands. Then moving a bit further away but still visible etc.
This would be mainly for my benefit though, I’d struggle sleeping on the floor (I have issues sleeping anyway) so would need to do something. But no, you aren’t a bad mother at all. If you are happy to sit and hold his hand and sleep on the floor then keep doing it. He’ll grow and his needs will change - he won’t still be holding your hand to sleep for ever because you weren’t firmer about it now.

Arubaa · 03/01/2022 20:12

Would it not be easier to just put him in your bed with you? I don't think most 17mo's self sooth themselves to sleep, he seems totally normal!

Lazydaisydaydream · 03/01/2022 20:12

It sounds like you’re a lovely mum … responding to your babies needs and comforting him when he needs it. My 3 year old sleeps 12 hours a night now, but he CO slept with me until he was 18 months and woke in the night frequently. I did nothing to “fix him” just comforted him. I honestly don’t believe in making a rod for your own back. That’s such old school thinking.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 03/01/2022 20:14

Honestly seem will tell you that you are wrong and make you out to be an awful mum and others will herald you as a hero. There is absolutely no winning.

The only thing that matters is how you feel. Are you happy with how you are managing his needs? If so carry on.

For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing. 17 months is still a baby. He needs to know that you are there.

fullofpips · 03/01/2022 20:16

He's still so little. He needs comfort and you're giving it to him. You're a good mum ❤️ one day you'll look back on these memories with so much love, I'm sure (at least that's what I tell myself when my 15 month old is kicking me in the face while she sleeps in my bed 😂)

avocadotofu · 03/01/2022 20:18

You are a wonderful mum! You are meeting the needs of your children and that's wonderful. I was exactly the same and my three year old (mostly) sleeps brilliantly. I think your mum just has outdated ideas. It's so hard to hear stuff like that when your exhausted. Sending you a big hug - being sleep deprived is awful. I know it's not for everyone but co-sleeping really helped us (me) at that stage.

Athysuisse · 03/01/2022 20:20

You are a brilliant mum! I did something similar until the age of 2. I think it is normal!

In Japan, children co-sleep with parents until they are double-digits in age. In many other cultures co-sleeping or helping your child to nod of by being right there is seen as normal. It's only in the western world that people are obsessed with kids sleeping independently as soon as possible.

If it feels right to you, and you can see it soothes your child....do it. You are the mum, not anyone else. You can simply say to her in future 'I don't need you to agree with how I parent, I just need you to respect it'. And that's it. You are doing a great job!

Rumplestrumpet · 03/01/2022 20:22

17 years old - you have a serious problem
17 months old - you're fine.

I stopped holding his hand to sleep around that age because I was just shattered (and the floor was hurting my back!) but it took a while using the "gradual retreat method" to wean him off it. By 2 he was mostly falling asleep by himself and more or less sleeping through waking me at the crack of dawn

But your baby is still so young, you'll never regret comforting and giving him cuddles. So do what feels right for you

magicstars · 03/01/2022 20:24

You're doing a great job.
You are showing your child how much you love him. He will hold onto that feeling for the rest of life- though he won't necessarily know it, he'll just feel safe & secure.
Do what feels right for you. If that means lying in his bedroom floor til he's asleep then go with it.
My Ds has a double bed, age 6. I lie next to him until he falls asleep. Sometimes it's a pain, other times I quite enjoy the time & look at my phone! I know it won't be like this forever.

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:24

@Arubaa

Would it not be easier to just put him in your bed with you? I don't think most 17mo's self sooth themselves to sleep, he seems totally normal!

I have restless legs and it flail about like crazy some nights, so it would keep him up, unfortunately 😬

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Waxonwaxoff0 · 03/01/2022 20:26

My DS is 8 years old and I sit with him in his bedroom until he falls asleep. I don't care who thinks I'm "pandering". Pretty sure I won't still be doing it when he's 15 so who cares.

Thickasmincepie · 03/01/2022 20:26

Do what you need to do to survive. Dc1 had it sussed by about 3. Dc2 took a lot longer. It nearly killed me. But now, a happier, more adjusted kid you will not meet. And the lack of sleep fades in time.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 03/01/2022 20:26

Stop telling your mum the details. ‘How did he sleep?’ ‘Fine.’ No point giving unsupportive people ammo.

curiouscatgotkilled · 03/01/2022 20:27

I am Currently sitting with my 6 year old while she goes to sleep

Yes, you probably are 'creating a rod for your own back' (I certainly have) but you are there for your baby and they are only small for a short time.
But if you are suffering from lack of sleep it's probably time to try another tactic and don't feel bad if it doesn't work.
Be as kind to yourself as you are to your baby.

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:27

@Lazydaisydaydream

Tbh my mum is SUCH an old school person 🤣 "It doesn't matter if he's less than 1, just give him some honey in his porridge!!" 😬

I love her dearly, but her ideas are outdated for sure!

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Embracelife · 03/01/2022 20:27

Throw away the cot.
Get him a double bed against one wall.
Co sleep

Stop sleeping on the floor
that is nuts

Muthalucka · 03/01/2022 20:29

You sound like a lovely caring mother. There is no right or wrong you do what works for your family.

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:29

@Terminallysleepdeprived

Honestly seem will tell you that you are wrong and make you out to be an awful mum and others will herald you as a hero. There is absolutely no winning.

The only thing that matters is how you feel. Are you happy with how you are managing his needs? If so carry on.

For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing. 17 months is still a baby. He needs to know that you are there.

Thank you 💓 yes, if I'm honest I'm happy with how I'm doing things but I feel like a just caved so easily with the self-soothing technique, and wanted to know if it was a bad thing. I'm so glad I put this post up now!

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