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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a poor mother?

155 replies

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 20:07

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

OP posts:
Franklydear · 03/01/2022 22:02

I thought you were going to say he’s 5, he’s still little, all he needs now is comfort, to know you’re there, you’re a great mum

ZoChan · 03/01/2022 22:04

When DH goes away for a night (rare), we both sleep badly. We are comforted by each other's presence when we sleep. Why wouldn't our children be the same?

Ignore everyone else. Find a way that you are happy that you and your child get enough sleep.

Pythonesque · 03/01/2022 22:09

Do you use other "sleep cues", other than the hand-holding? DC2 self-settled with little help but DC1 was hard work. With both I used music as one of our sleep cues - a wind up music box toy, and another sound toy, and later CDs in their room (eg Bach and a couple of other nice ones I already had). I think that can help give them an additional source of "stability" as well as your actual presence; and it goes on being useful as they get older.

Good luck getting through to the "other side" (DC2 has rarely been seen before 11am/12pm these holidays, a far cry from up at 6 from roughly age 5-11 let alone what came before!)

Hagpie · 03/01/2022 22:11

You’re doing the right thing. If they’re crying out for you it’s because they trust you’ll come when they need you. Studies have shown that building a strong and trusting base with your kids and holding them tight when they need it, creates more confident and independent adults. Now I know it’s hard but you’re doing a wonderful job and reading this has made my heart swell a bit because I just love reading mothers loving on their babies. You got this!

UndertheCedartree · 03/01/2022 22:16

I always found the 'rod for your own back' brigade strange. They were constantly up and down with their babies, having to put stair gates on their doors to try and force them to stay in bed, having to deal with tired babies in the day. It seems much more work to try and avoid soothing them. My baby woke - I popped them on the boob and we both back to sleep within a few minutes comfortably snuggled up together.

Malvasylvestris · 03/01/2022 22:17

My eldest DS would cry for me in his cot and I would do the crying it out method against my instincts. He is now a sensitive 9 year old and even now I can still see his sad little face as a baby and feel guilty about it.

With DS2 we co-slept and we both got better sleep... I would go with my gut and do what works best for you... Good luck!

PinkPomeranian · 03/01/2022 22:17

How lovely that you're creating a secure attachment with your baby. Self-soothing will come in time but isn't developmentally possible in little ones. Your mother needs to keep her opinions to herself - follow your instincts and listen to your MIL and other cheerleaders instead.

UndertheCedartree · 03/01/2022 22:20

Oh and we've had Covid and my little 9yo is fast asleep cuddled up to me. She normally sleeps in her own bed but knows if she needs comfort I'm here. Having a warm small human snuggled up to you is one of the joys of parenthood as far as I'm concerned.

user1471439310 · 03/01/2022 22:22

Brings back memories of sitting next to my daughter at night moving the chair slowly till out the door. My husband did it too and she is a perfectly well adjusted 27 year old.

ColourMeExhausted · 03/01/2022 22:23

OP, my DD needed comfort at night well into being a toddler. We co-slept for a long time, and she used to nap only on me. She's now 6, sleeps soundly at night in her own bed and is very well adjusted. I regret nothing. Your baby is 17 months, keep giving him the comfort he needs.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 03/01/2022 22:23

@Franklydear

I thought you were going to say he’s 5, he’s still little, all he needs now is comfort, to know you’re there, you’re a great mum
Even if he were 5, if he needs his mum at night then he needs her, and being there for your kids is a good thing to do.
BrotherHelp · 03/01/2022 22:24

You sound a great mum, make the sleep situation for you comfortable with a proper mattress on the floor. You can’t make a rod for your own back, he’ll sleep when he’s ready by himself. Always find it strange coming from adults saying kids have to self soothe when they share a bed with a partner and state they can’t sleep when they go away!

Bigbonesmeatandgravy · 03/01/2022 22:24

You sound like a great mum! Very empathetic and responsive to your son.

DixonD · 03/01/2022 22:24

You are a wonderful, nurturing mother. Your MIL is absolutely right.

I did this with my daughter (well, co-slept, never sleep trained) and she’s a very secure sleeper now at 5.

Sleep training is so unnatural, which is why it’s hard and doesn’t really work (anyone it has “worked for” is in denial - their child isn’t sleep trained, only having learned no one will come to its aid).

BrotherHelp · 03/01/2022 22:25

@ZoChan

When DH goes away for a night (rare), we both sleep badly. We are comforted by each other's presence when we sleep. Why wouldn't our children be the same?

Ignore everyone else. Find a way that you are happy that you and your child get enough sleep.

Hadn’t read all the thread before posting, but this is what I was trying to say and @ZoChan said better.
Franklydear · 03/01/2022 22:31

@SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree completely agree, but I would understand more of a wobble of doubt, at 17 month definitely

Darkstar4855 · 03/01/2022 22:31

My son is 3 and I still cuddle him to sleep at night. I also go in and co-sleep with him in his bed if he wakes in the night, which he does about half the time. My mum gives me a hard time about it but I don’t care.

I used to spend ages trying to get him to go to sleep alone and I had many stressful, broken nights as a result. Best thing I ever did was embrace co-sleeping. I bought comfy pillows and an extra wide duvet for his bed, stopped stressing and started just enjoying the cuddles and closeness with my little boy. Total game changer.

wildthingsinthenight · 03/01/2022 22:32

You sound like a great mum to me and lovelyFlowers

Wherehasitgone · 03/01/2022 22:32

OP i did. the same S you, DD is now 3.5 yo and I still sit beside her bed on the floor and hold her hand while she falls asleep. Now if she wakes up she just comes into bed with me, could you try that? That way you’re not sleeping on the floor. I’m admittedly a very anxious parent!

MiniPumpkin · 03/01/2022 22:33

Well my dc1 needs me or dh to lie in bed until she falls asleep, she’s nearly 4. It won’t last forever and it’s about ten minutes of our day. It works for us and I certain won’t change it. Don’t stress your doing a great job

PhoenixIsFlying · 03/01/2022 22:33

Ignore what anyone tells you and do what you feel is right. I empathise as my daughter always slept with me and others loved to criticise x

Turtletotem · 03/01/2022 22:36

You're definitely doing the right thing in soothing your baby.
I would possibly take off one side of the cot and take it into your room pushed up against your bed. He sleeps in his cot but your right beside him when he needs you. And hopefully all get a good night's sleep.

RantyAunty · 03/01/2022 22:38

You're a lovely mum. Your DC is still small and it just takes time to adjust.

Get one of those fold out sleeper chairs like PP posted so you can be more comfortable.

Verbena17 · 03/01/2022 22:38

Considering that humans were physiologically designed to breastfeed their young until around the age of 7, it’s completely normal to help soothe your son to sleep! He’s not even 2 yet so it’s natural that he will want help settling.

My husband made me feel like a failure when I went to our babies when they cried and I spent hours wringing my hands, letting him do controlled crying....until I couldn’t bare it any longer! Then he told me I had ruined all the hard work.

Once I started my training as a ‘breastfeeding network’ peer supporter, I realised that I was right all along and the natural urge for me to be there at night for my babies was completely normal and the right thing to do for them.

Some babies naturally don’t seem to need that closeness at night but many do. Babies and toddlers have natural wakeful cycles to be soothed and fed through the night and it might make it easier on yourself if you either tried to co-sleep or at least if you put a mattress in your little ones room, so your nights are more comfy and you actually get some sleep.

RowanAlong · 03/01/2022 22:43

No! You’re a lovely caring mum! Carry on, ignore the doubters...