Am I a poor mother?

[ThymeTravel]

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

I did something similar with both my kids and they now sleep incredibly well and definitely don’t need me to hold their hands at night! I firmly believe that if you give young babies/toddlers the reassurance and comfort they need when they’re tiny there’s a much better chance that they’ll grow into secure, independent children.

You're a brilliant mum doing what your instinctive knowledge tells you to do.

I had mine in the bed with me for years. Nothing wrong with it.

You sound a wonderful mum. I did the same and stayed with the DC until they settled themselves to sleep. They are older and lovely children so the only rod I've made is nurturing confident happy children. Tell your DM to do one and take her unwanted ideas with her.

You might find this reassuring (I did) re the myth that is ‘self-soothing’ sarahockwell-smith.com/tag/self-soothing-myth/

You sound very caring. Don't worry what people say. My 4 year old and 20m old end up in my bed every night ( always before midnight) in fact we bought a super king to accommodate them and also need me to lay with them with get them to sleep. They will get there eventually and I'm not going to worry about it.

@ThymeTravel

Sorry I should have said. He's 17 months old 💙

The 18 month sleep regression was the worst for us. It won’t last, but it is insane whilst it goes on. Put an air bed on your DS’s floor for a week or two for yourself. It isn’t pandering, and you are a good mother.

I think you have to do what’s best for you and take what other people say with a pinch of salt. You know your child the best and if lying next to him stroking his hand gets him to sleep and reduces the mum guilt then don’t worry what other people say. He won’t need you to do that forever so enjoy the extra time spent with him while he needs it ♥️

Ah, I’m with your MiL. Your son will be fine, and will be happy to go off on adventures without you as he knows you are his safe place and will be there for him when he needs you.
I still cosleep and breastfeed my 3 year old. He goes off to nursery as happy as Larry. He will ditch me quite happily to go play with his cousins. It’s not creating a rod for your own back, it’s giving you both what you need (sleep for you) and comfort for son.

I’ve not read any of the other comments but I really don’t see anything wrong in what you’re doing. My son starts in his bed (2.5) after being cuddled to sleep and comes in with me a few hours later. Have I made a rod for my own back? Maybe. Will he always need me to do it? Definitely not.

Whenever it gets tough I just remind myself that nothing lasts forever. Saying that, there will always be someone giving you an opinion you don’t need to hear. Trust your instincts, it’s your kid. Hugs xx

Follow your instinct. You're his mother, noone else is, and you sound like a wonderfully caring one to me x

So you’re asking if meeting your child’s needs and being there for them when they need you makes you a bad mum?!?!?

because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

Awwww! I know it's not helpful but that's the cutest thing I've heard in a while!

Please ignore your mum.

Your son needs you there, so you’re meeting his need. My son (6) is cuddled to sleep every night (its my favourite part of the day), he then comes into my bed at around 3am. He co-slept until he was just shy of five and moved into his bed when he was ready.

Oh and I have a safety barrier thing up on the side of the bed. So we’ll both go to bed at 7pm, and I’ll listen to an audio book while he has some milk and a cuddle and falls to sleep. Usually by 7:30ish he’ll be asleep so I get up, put the side of the bed up, turn the camera on and enjoy the rest of my evening. He doesn’t always sleep through the night so I don’t have to get out of bed to deal with him this way either. If he wakes too early (about 6-6:30am ish) and won’t settle back to sleep I just turn the telly on for him and can usually get another 30 mins in before he decides we have to have breakfast 🤣

I'd do the same!

A poor mother does not hold her baby's had all night so they can sleep, I'd say that your the opposite of a bad mum. I'd co sleep if I were you, do what makes your life easier at this moment in time, it won't last forever

Why not put him in bed with you, if you’re ok with that? It seems to be a very British thing (in general) to have them sleep away from you, my mum feels the same, I’ve gone with what I believe. Dd is 3,5 and starting to tentatively ask to go in her own room and she sometimes does and sometimes comes back. It’s ok, they’ll sleep alone at some point.
I’m British too but live abroad and have noticed many friends from different countries are more likely to bed share

P. S You sound like a lovely mummy 💜go with what *You feel

@ThymeTravel you could literally be me, down to the same age baba! Just recently mine has started to mostly sleep through the night and goes to sleep much quicker, and sometimes is happy to just have me nearby rather than hand holding, but that has happened very gradually and without me really trying to stop it so I figure they all just go at their own pace! I'm
In my 30s and I sometimes get freaked out when it's pitch dark and I wake in the middle of the night so I don't want to leave a not even 2 year old crying. You sounds like you are doing a great job, I wouldn't worry (although i do totally know where you are coming from, it's easier said than done)

I’m literally lying here feeding baby back to sleep for the third time in two hours and wondering similar. At the end of the day I want baby to be happy and do what works for her but it’s hard when hearing about how others have taught their Los to self soothe through patting or rocking. Hang in there

@Waxonwaxoff0

My DS is 8 years old and I sit with him in his bedroom until he falls asleep. I don't care who thinks I'm "pandering". Pretty sure I won't still be doing it when he's 15 so who cares.

❤️ I did this with my 8yo. I can tell you now that I don’t regret a minute of it and I’m quite sad that now at 14, I’m lucky to get a, “night mum” as she disappears off to bed.

What about a proper separate Co sleeping cot where he's in his own space?
Some babies are fine sleeping alone, some are forced into it and some just want to be near mum. My first went happily into her own room at 6 months but my second was two half when she went alone.

Well there is always more than one way to
do things

Mum knows best ….and I this case that is you!

Personally I believe a wilfully/avoidably unanswered cry from a toddler teaches them to be ‘independent’ before they are ready.

Maybe get something soft to lie on rather than his bedroom floor and be comfy not guilty.

OMG, why are you being so hard on yourself? Why do we all do this? Being a mum is the most natural thing in the world and our instinct guides us. Hold your babies hand. Make him feel loved. Guaranteed he won't be needing his mum to hold his hand to get him to sleep when he's 18. Don't listen to advice if you don't want to follow it. You know your baby best. Good luck. Be kind to yourself too.

What you are doing is completely normal. And really loving. My DC slept in bed next to me and were BFd until they were 4. They sleep in their own beds completely normally now. They will naturally learn to self soothe you do not need to teach them. They will do it when they are ready. Your child is still a baby of course you would expect to soothe them to sleep. The only thing is I wouldn't sleep on the floor. Either bring them into bed with you or get a bed in the nursery you can both sleep in when necessary. They don't need a cot at that age so you can get rid of that and get a bed.