Am I a poor mother?

[ThymeTravel]

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

I think you sound like an excellent Mum! Self soothing as many so called sleep experts describe it isn’t really possible until a child can learn to control their emotions and some adults can’t even do that! I would recommend the ‘Gentle Sleep Book’ by Sarah Ockwell Smith.

There is no such thing as creating a rod for your own back when you are teaching your child that you are there for them when they feel at their most vulnerable. I went to my DD whenever she cried at night and held her or lay next to her (whatever she needed at the time). She didn’t sleep through until two and a half years and it was horrendous and draining at times but now she is so happy going to bed and seems so secure about it which is what I hoped would happen.

Some other great advice here and worth thinking about some of the practicalities like bed type, bedding, bedtime routine, comfort objects. Good luck, it will get easier.

I can see it both ways to be honest - DD1 first baby, ended up co sleeping and then sleeping on floor next to her bed when she was older.....couldn't self settle....took 5 years to get her consistently back in her own bed...and stay there! So exactly what your MIL is predicting as worst case and I do blame myself for taking the easy route of just bringing her into our bed or sleeping in bed with/next to her 🙈

DD2 and DS1 - twins - couldn't co sleep with 2 in the bed, very much pick up and put down method as one pair of hands and two babies and I need to function (back full time at work from 5 months) - they a largely good sleepers - largely sleep through with the odd wobble here and there but importantly they can self settle. At the moment I do put that down to fact that they have to self settle as I can't pander to them the same way I did eldest (although I hate the term "pander")

Mine was horrendous, and then at around 18/19 months old, magically started sleeping through the night most of the time. I was not doing anything different and neither situation was my fault.

@ThymeTravel there are no right or wrong answers. Unfortunately babies don't come with an instruction manual. It is all very much fumbling about in the dark until you find some witchcraft or wizardry that helps.

Dd was a bloody awful sleeper til she was 6.5yrs in part due to a health condition and in part because from 8 months old she suffered with night terrors. She is 8.5yrs and still not entirely reliably. The second she feels uneasy about something or poorly she is straight back in my bed.

I bought a queensize bed for her at 15 months because I couldn't lie next to her cot...was far easier to cosleep.

I tried the cry it out/self soothe method after repeated suggestions from various outdated well meaning -interfering- avenues. After 2 nights i swore never again. It was brutal and for dd made things a million times worse.

You are doing an amazing job! If he still needs you to hold his hand at 21 you may need to consider harsh .ethos but right now enjoy the fact he needs you.

You're doing great - just make sure you're comfortable!

I spent until DS1 was over 3 first feeding, then cuddling, then just sitting with for 30-45 mins before he would go to sleep. Then something just flicked in him, and I'd read him a story, say 'roll over now' and he'd just go to sleep.

So despite me doing exactly what you do, no rods were made.

His little brother in contrast slept through from about 8 months, and went in and happily copied big brother going straight to sleep after a story from a little over a year.

They are the easiest kids to put to bed you could hope for now - I rarely get visits.

Early risers though, which is its own horror :) trained them to make their own breakfast and watch TV quietly quite early on!

I’m a mother of a son of 28 years old who is the victim of a very nasty divorce, he has been through hell and back as I have. He did however take on the fight with his father and he ganged up on me viciously with his father to fight for our beautiful house and the very valuable company.
The father had over 8 local affairs and many many other affairs during a 20 year marriage but still my son who is spoilt rotten by his very possessive father worships his father and treats me like dogs poo on his shoes… he has to spite his misgivings got emotional issues that he still expects us to pay for at a massive £250 per hour, now adding up to over £5,000 to pay…. This has been going on for over 11 years.!!
Help.. why do I cry every day at the guilt I feel for letting him down and feeling the need to help him out??
I did react very very badly indeed to the news that my husband shagged everything in a mile radius of our home but I feel like I must have been so incredibly thick not to notice so therefore it must be my fault?? Crazy crazy is what can happen to anyone even the most decent of us…

When my first was about that age I was still holding her and rocking her to sleep and then laying her down in her cot. Then I got pregnant again and knew something was going to have to change! I did a very, very gradual retreat, at one point was doing what you do with the hand holding through the cot and lying on the floor, then eventually managed to stop the handholding, then moved to not lying on the floor but sitting across the room, then moved to waiting by the door, then eventually I was able to put her down and just leave. It took literally weeks and weeks to get there but I didn’t have to leave her to cry (she might have moaned a little sometimes but I tried not to jump in unless she was genuinely upset). She has been an absolutely brilliant sleeper since then, so slightly before she turned 2, and she’s nearly 5 now! Looking back it was so worth it. I know people who are still soothing in the night or co-sleeping and just have such disturbed sleep, honestly I couldn’t cope. I did the same kind of thing with my younger but started a little earlier and she’s a great sleeper too. So, I think you’re doing brilliantly and if you wanted to and when you’re ready you could try a gradual retreat so that you can start to get a bit of your evenings back! I also found that once they’ve got the hang of initially falling asleep themselves they then stop getting upset in the night time too. Good luck whatever you decide - you’re doing great!

Get yourself a pillow and a blanket. Other than that if you’re happy and he’s happy who cares. You sound like a lovely mum.

My experience with my son is very similar to yours.

I think it sounds like you are responding to exactly what your little one needs from you. Every child is so different with their comfort needs and not every baby responds well to sleep training. It doesn't mean it's anything you're doing wrong, it's just not the right solution for your family right now.

He won't need you to lay there forever and hold his hand. If you're happy to do it then I would carry on because it sounds like it's working.

At some stage he will need your help less but there will also be times where he will need you more (teething, unwell etc). You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. It is f'ing exhausting and bloody hard work, so don't be hard on yourself. You're doing great!

He'll be fine, OP. Independence doesn't come from being forced to be alone- you're not harming him.

In most of the world, children sleep in the same bed as their parents for the majority of their childhood- it's normal for them. Do you imagine that the nations where that is the norm are populated by adults who can't sleep unless next to their mothers?

In the nicest possible way, the idea that your son will never be able to 'self soothe' unless you leave him to cry is a bit daft.

The real “rod for your own back” is the unknown effect on your child’s mental health by letting them cry and not be soothed. At 17 months they still think they’ve been deserted if they can’t see you. Loads of cuddles and soothing is all you and your baby needs. If you ignore your mum and put down the books, you might push past the anxiety and start to enjoy it. You sound like you’re doing great. Trust your instincts.

You’re being a patient mother not a poor one.

Every child and every mother is different and you have to do what is right for you and your child. Being there for him at a young age is not going to mean he won’t ever learn to sleep alone. Just look after yourself too

Do whatever you want and ignore your mum/don't tell her. I co slept with both of mine. Easy and what most humans through most of history have done. It is modern western culture with its focus on independence in young children that is unusual. But if you want to sleep beside cot please make yourself comfortable and put a bed beside it and pull cot side off rather than suffer on a hard floor. I think there are so many opinions on everything you are best off if you follow your own intuition in the now.

No, no by offering your son the comfort he needs, you are not a being a terrible mother. Most of us, myself included, just do whatever it takes to get through the night.

If it gets to the point that YOU feel it's not working for you, then change it around a bit, but otherwise fuck what anyone else says unless they're actually offering to see to your kid during the night.

I co-slept with my children, now on my 3rd who is 10 months, also co-sleeping. The other 2 are 4 and 5 and sleep in their own beds, have done fine from 3 ish? I've never worried about it at all, they were happy, I was happy I don't see the issue? Is it bothering you having to lie on the floor? In which case move the cot into your room then you aren't laying there all night. Oh and ignore other's opinions, whatever they did is up to them, you aren't going to "ruin" a baby by not leaving it to cry, I'd assume leaving them to scream is far worse. We were never into that so not something I've even looked into, if your baby cries pick them up, so what if they just want you, don't adults not just want a cuddle for no particular reason? Why can't a baby??

At 17 months he's also likely to be experiencing separation anxiety because he's able to recognise that when you aren't in the room with him, you're really not there. It's a normal developmental stage and by offering reassurance you are helping him through it. I'd recommend getting an air bed of some sort and a proper duvet or sleeping bag, so you can at least get some sleep yourself. My DD1 was exactly like your DS and by sleeping in with her and offering verbal reassurance/touching hands, she got through it in a couple of months, and sleep returned to normal.

Get a mattress for yourself and do whatever you feel comfortable with
Haven't seen an adult yet that needs their mum beside them to go to sleep so don't worry about that.

I think your mad sleeping on the floor. Surely there has to be a better solution than that

Try not to worry. SIL and BIL did this with their son until he was about 7. He's 9 now and sleeps independently.

Also once you become a mum, you'll find people have opinions on everything. I'm not sure if this is a general rule or just specific to my family, but people get a bit put out of you don't do things the way they did it. I think they take it as a slight criticism of their parenting.

Interestingly I've never heard anyone critique how my dh deals with the kids through the night, how clean/unclean they are when they're with him, how hot or cold they are when they're with him, how healthy the food that he feeds them is etc.

I would ditch the cot and get him a small double mattress (with a bed guard) so that you'll be comfortable when you put him to sleep and whenever you go in at night.

You'll never regret providing your child with comfort when they need it. They grow up so quickly too.

I read a post on here somewhere that back in the old days they didn't exactly put their kids in the next cave... just do whatever nature wants you to do. Our children are programmed to want their mums closeby to keep them comfortable and safe. Just do whatever works for you both. There isn't an 18 year old that needs their mum to get to sleep. They'll grow over it when ready.

Im writing this at the end of my 2 year old bed. I really wouldnt worry about it i have 3 girls and have done that with each of them. He will grow out if it when he can underatand a little bit more. My youngest is almost 3 and can some nights self soothe but has been very unwell lately so has been very unsettled but is starting to get better..

You sound like a wonderful mother. You are meeting your child's needs for closeness- surely the most natural need in the world.
I've just got out of bed for a bit putting my 3 and 7 year old to bed - in my bed. It's bliss. Nothing better than snuggling then both, then they snuggle eachother. We all need it ( fraught tiring day traveling home)
Worry not.
Biggest learning of being a mother is learning to do your own thing and ignore the nosey fuckers - none of their business!!

@ThymeTravel

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

You sound like a really lovely mum! 17 months is still very young and if you’re happy to lie on the floor and hold his hand then continue to do it he obviously needs that reassurance that you’re still there. It absolutely won’t effect him negatively growing up. You’re showing him you’re there when he needs you