Am I a poor mother?

[ThymeTravel]

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

@fullofpips

He's still so little. He needs comfort and you're giving it to him. You're a good mum ❤️ one day you'll look back on these memories with so much love, I'm sure (at least that's what I tell myself when my 15 month old is kicking me in the face while she sleeps in my bed 😂)

Oh my goodness!! You poor thing 🤣

I would have him in my bed, but with my restless legs it would be so uncomfortable for the both of us 😕

My son is nearly 3 and I've just let go of his hand to creep downstairs. Just do what feels right for you.

What you're baby will learn is that he has parents who love him and will meet his needs. 17 month olds are not designed to be on their own and all evidence shows that babies that have their needs met as babies, grow up to be more confident and independent. Keep doing what you want to do for your baby.

@SickAndTiredAgain

He’s still in a cot, so quite young still?

You’ve not given a precise age, but I would personally be trying to get away from the hand holding, but I’d do it gradually. So first you lying there, close as you normally would be, but not holding hands. Then moving a bit further away but still visible etc.
This would be mainly for my benefit though, I’d struggle sleeping on the floor (I have issues sleeping anyway) so would need to do something. But no, you aren’t a bad mother at all. If you are happy to sit and hold his hand and sleep on the floor then keep doing it. He’ll grow and his needs will change - he won’t still be holding your hand to sleep for ever because you weren’t firmer about it now.

Yea maybe I'll try weaning off the handholding soon tbh. Thank you ❤

Is this new or has he done this for a while? We sleep trained our 6 month old (and saved our collective sanity in the process) but I don’t know what would be best for a much older child.

I co-slept with mine, my mum used to comment on it but I didn’t care, my child my choice. All teens - adults now and can sleep alone!

OP, you do whatever you think is best and that will be the right thing. And if your mum is old school in her way of thinking, be selective in what you tell her!

If you're happy to continue as you are, then that is the right thing. It won't last forever.

Equally, if you're really not happy to continue as you are, if it is making you unhappy, then it is absolutely fine to change your routine/look into sleep training techniques to help your DS learn to self-settle. What is right for you will be right for him.

It has to be about what feels right for you and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

FWIW, I (gently) taught my 3 DC to self-settle between 3-6 months, and they still all had really unsettled periods around the 12-18 month age - it's both a lovely age and a bloody awful one, there is so much going on in their little heads! Things will develop and change and he'll grow out of this phase and move into another one.

But you have to put yourself first - if you're happy with the situation then fine, but please don't push yourself to the brink of not coping if you're really not.

Hi. @ThymeTravel I don't wish to talk down any family member however, we are all different mums' from our parents. My son will not sleep without someone whose hand he can gentlely nip. In about 5 nights, he will spend the whole night in his bed. He travels between mine, his biological grandfathers and biological grandmothers plus step-grandfather (my home set up is complicated.) I am expecting twins and am making my way to 6 months. He can no longer sleep in my bed as he pretends to be a linebacker and kicks my stomach. We do what we can for the babies we love and those who raised their children at different time, in different circumstances can sometimes miss what we see.
Keep your head up.

At least baby is in the cot and sleeps away from you at some point in the night - small wins!

Mine is 12 months and we co-sleep & she still feeds to sleep & during the night for wake ups. In the rod for our own back department I think I've slightly out-rodded you :)

I know that one day it won't be like this so for now am just getting on with it and actually don't mind too much. The thought of sleep training her and leaving her upset and not understanding why seems awful to me.

At least with an older child they will be more resistant but will be understand why change is happening when explained to a better degree.

Don't listen to your mum. I had a nan like this - just give her some water, doesn't matter that she's 3 months. Alright nan :)

Our 2 year old is the same. We got him a single bed so we could lie comfortably next to him in that instead of on the hard floor.

I used to do the lying on the floor thing holding hands too. I couldn’t leave DS to cry as the only time I did it, he cried until he was sick, so I didn’t want to ever try again. It really didn’t last long, and it wasn’t all night, I used to managed to creep back into bed eventually. He’s now a 6’2 teenager and I’m not lying on his floor holding hands still now 🤣
I can’t remember how often I did it, definitely more than a good few times but not every night. Maybe he was 12 months old ish?
You could do co-sleeping but I didn’t want to start that personally.

My sons are adults and I've got grandchildren, but I'd never once let a baby/small child cry themselves to sleep. Does your little one have a favourite cuddly toy to cuddle at bedtime? A dummy? You sound like a loving, caring mum. You need your sleep, though.

I hate the “rod for your own back” argument. I hugged dc to sleep when little, why can’t you? Your dc finds you being near a comfort so what’s the issue? They won’t be doing it at 13, although just before Christmas we had some sad family news and my Dd1 (13) asked me to cuddle her in her bed then didn’t want me to go. I ended up saying she could share my bed with me and her dad went in her bed that night. She needed her mum so I was there for her. Do what works for you and stuff everyone else. Controlled crying is traumatic (for the parents) so don’t put yourself through it if it’s not something you want to do.

I remember many a night lying on the floor next to DS cot (I actually had a bean bag that probably saved my back). DS is a dream sleeper now, I had to gradually reduce how much time I would spend there and there were tears from both me and him but we got there in the end

You're not a poor mother, you're a caring mother providing the comfort your baby needs.

Listen to your MIL and ignore your mum - just stop telling her anything about his sleep.

My eldest went from being a poor sleeper to sleeping like a champ over the space of a month. He's 3 and falls asleep easily, but still likes an extra cuddle or a handhold to fall asleep. Fortunately as he's dropped his nap, it's all of about 5 mins of hand holding.
MIL always used to express her disapproval of our responsiveness, so I explained fully to a family member who I knew would repeat it back to her she's never brought it up again. She's stopped telling us we should put him in bed, say goodnight and close the door 😐
Knowing that there's light at the end of the tunnel makes being in the thick of it with DC2 far more bearable

I'm 100% with your mum but am I right and you wrong no idea .
It really is a case of what works for you and what your happy with .

Everybody and every child is different there's no one size fits all answer

Don't fret OP he's a baby! I can assure you he won't be wanting to hold your hand to go to sleep when he's 17 :-D Do what works for you but get something to sleep on that's better than the floor!

Well from my point of you you're doing great! I also think the more you emotionally connect with your little one and respond when they need comfort the more confident they will be as they grow up! Mine is 3 now and is super confident and bounces back if he falls over or whatever. Do what feels right xxx

PS mine was the most horrendous sleep from 0-2 woke every couple hours still. Then was a brilliant sleeper from then onwards. No rhyme nor reason to it as far as I could see. I'd been pulling my hair out trying everything i could think of and what he needed was time.

You are doing just fine. I did the same with my DD. She's now a 3 year old and wakes up sometimes during the night and I'll still go in and lie next her and hold hands when she wants. I bought a fold up sofa mattress bed to help though so it a bit more comfortable. It's completely normal and I couldn't imagine not doing it when she needs me. It gets less frequent as they get older. You are doing great so don't worry!

With photo

Everyone has an opinion on this. You have to do what’s right for you and your child. Whatever you do you’re not a bad mother as long as the outcome is that you all get a decent amount of sleep and your child is safe. What works for you and your family might not be what works for others or what they would tolerate, but what does it really matter if it works for you?

Sorry, to add, most of the time she wakes up and goes back to sleep on her own so learnt to self soothe even though I would sleep on the floor next to her just like you. It's just occasionally now she'll want me to sleep next to her and hold hands etc

Do what you need to do to survive. Dc1 had it sussed by about 3. Dc2 took a lot longer. It nearly killed me. But now, a happier, more adjusted kid you will not meet. And the lack of sleep fades in time.

This ^ DD was just like your DC, an absolutely dreadful sleeper from birth. I ended up getting rid of the cot and DD just slept on the mattress on the floor whilst I dozed on the carpet holding her hand. A visiting friend's husband told me about controlled crying and we tried it and he even said 'err I think you need to go up, our's never cried for this long'!

And then when she was toilet training she would wake us up to take her to the toilet. I had literally no uninterrupted sleep for the first five years.

BUT after getting through that she was fine, never sneaked into our bed, perfectly happily sleeping in a completely dark room on her own and is now a (currently) completely lovely 15 yo.

Just sleep whenever you get the chance.

DD coslept until she was 10 (it's just the two of us) she had no problem sleeping at other peoples and going on sleepovers though. She would always have one body part touching mine and would explain that she liked sleeping with me because I'm cosy and warm after she said this I bought her one of those giant U pillows which made all the difference and she started sleeping all night in her own bed straight away.

The U pillow isn't appropriate for your son but may be useful in a few years time. The part of cosleeping I disliked most was losing my evening every night, it makes a difference if you can watch TV or listen to an audiobook or podcast with headphones on a tablet or similar instead of just laying in the dark.