Am I a poor mother?

[ThymeTravel]

Just that really. I'm so anxious writing this.

DC used to be great at putting himself to sleep until he started to teeth. We tried the furber approach and couldn't stick to it because my heart was breaking when he was crying.

Now, every night when my DC goes to bed I lay on the floor beside the cot. I hold his hand through the cot bars, because he won't sleep unless we're holding hands.

When I hear crying in the night I'll go in and sleep on the floor beside the cot. He gets very upset when he wakes up and I'm not there.

My mum tells me I'm pandering to him and creating a rod for my own back, but my MIL tells me I'm doing the right thing because DC will always feel secure.

I feel like such a crap mum as I can't get it right at all!! My son cannot self-soothe, thanks to me, and I'm terrified that he won't learn to soothe himself and it'll affect him as he grows up 😫

Do you let your son nap in the day in his cot? If so, let him sleep downstairs in the pram, settee( surrounded by cushions). So he learns when he goes to bed at night in a dark room it’s a longer sleep.

Warm bath. Little talking , very quietly and calmly . No stimulus when putting him to bed. Try putting some item of your worn clothing in the cot, so he can smell you.
Good luck, it’s very hard.

Do what makes you and your DC comfortable.
Teach him independence in other areas.
My 6 y.o face is squashed against mine most nights, he has restless nights and will continually wake and call me all night it helps me get some sleep.

OP i did. exactly the same as you. In fact I went one step further and brought him into bed with me if he cried after 4am, until he was 2 years old. He gradually didn't need me to hold his hand, sleep on the floor etc. he's 3 now and sleeps independently. You are doing a great job meeting your baby's needs and he will get there one day.

You are a lovely mum, who is comforting her child. My eldest slept with us until around 7, my youngest never wanted us in with him, head down he was gone for 12 hours. They are all different and what you are doing won't affect him negatively at all.
He is loved, that's the main thing.

I don't have any advice to give and I don't really know what the best way to help with your baby's sleep is, I have a 19 month old and I'm just bodging along myself. But I just wanted to say you are NOT a poor Mother. You are a wonderful loving Mum who would lay down and hold your baby's hand when they are upset and can't sleep. Whatever you do there is no real right or wrong, this is just a sleep phase and it will pass eventually but they will grow up with a Mum who loved them enough to hold their hand to sleep and concerns herself with doing the right thing for her baby, and that is important. X

Be kind to yourself OP.

You might find this reassuring (I did) re the myth that is ‘self-soothing’ sarahockwell-smith.com/tag/self-soothing-myth/

Sarah ockwell smith talks so much shite! She is not a doctor or a scientist with years of research into the brain under her belt. She has a psychology degree from a lower rated university and used to work as a homeopath so is experienced in peddling shite.
She dresses up a lot of opinion as fact. We don't know that emotional self regulation is required to sleep without a parent. Most teenagers don't have it and they sleep like logs!

My children were sleep trained between 6m and 1.They do learn to self soothe - for example some babies will suck their thumb or a dummy, cuddle a toy or have a favourite blanket. It's also balls that they don't still cry out. Of course they do! They cry out when poorly, when they have a bad dream etc. That's not a "frozen" baby. When you sleep train a toddler what you often find is they cry as you leave the room. Then a few mins later they are chatting and giggling with their cuddly toys before nodding off! They don't scream then drop asleep screaming. Gradual retreat etc work well because the baby gets used to you being there, a few metres away, just not physically touching them.

Studies of "trauma" or "toxicity" caused by sleep training aren't done on healthy happy children in loving homes whos needs are met responsively. They are done on children on neglected children or those in orphanages. Its completely incomparable with a happy, loved child in a family home whose needs are met.

You guys are all amazing!! Thank you all for your replies.

I woke up this morning and this thread was the first thing I thought about and I feel lighter and happier knowing I'm not a weak mum who's failing her son. I'm a good mum who is doing her best.

You guys are amazing! I'm so glad I wrote this thread ❤

Hi OP, good that the thread brought you some comfort.
I did the same as you, think ds was about 2 or 2.5 when we started weaning him out of it.
On the plus side, after years of being shattered, once he learned to sleep on his own he was a great sleeper, he used to fall asleep within minutes of leaving him and never used to come downstairs after we left him.
Still needed to share a bed if he had a bad dream or felt ill but that's just normal.

@ThymeTravel

You guys are all amazing!! Thank you all for your replies.

I woke up this morning and this thread was the first thing I thought about and I feel lighter and happier knowing I'm not a weak mum who's failing her son. I'm a good mum who is doing her best.

You guys are amazing! I'm so glad I wrote this thread ❤

Glad you are feeling better about yourself @thymetravel

Nope. You're an amazing mum. Confirming your boy when he wants you.

I guarantee you will not be sleeping by his bed when he's 20!

17 months is still little. This time will pass.

Why lie on the floor though? That's a bit unnecessary and martyr-like

Get the baby a bed, and lie next to him (if that is what you want)

My sister co-slept like this with her DS until he was about 8 or 9, it did mean a very early bed time for her for those years and she never went out, saw friends in the evenings etc, but it's what she wanted

Oh OP, apparently children can't self soothe until a lot older. I still lie with my children to fall to sleep and they usually end up in my bed 7 and 5. They are only little for so long.

I had a floor bed with mine at that age and used to lie with them on that.

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

Nope. You're an amazing mum. Confirming your boy when he wants you.

I guarantee you will not be sleeping by his bed when he's 20!

17 months is still little. This time will pass.

Thank you ❤

@MarleneDietrichsSmile

Why lie on the floor though? That's a bit unnecessary and martyr-like

Get the baby a bed, and lie next to him (if that is what you want)

My sister co-slept like this with her DS until he was about 8 or 9, it did mean a very early bed time for her for those years and she never went out, saw friends in the evenings etc, but it's what she wanted

I can't afford it to be honest

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

Oh OP, apparently children can't self soothe until a lot older. I still lie with my children to fall to sleep and they usually end up in my bed 7 and 5. They are only little for so long.

I had a floor bed with mine at that age and used to lie with them on that.

I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only person who does this!! I can't believe how many other parents lie with their children, makes me feel so much better x

I'm another one, OP. We just got 15 month old DS a full single mattress on the floor (we will get a bed for underneath it but undecided as to which yet), baby-proofed his room and added a stairgate. We just lie next to him until he drifts off.

Can you take one side off the cot and attach it to your bed? That way you both have your own space and you won't have to lie on the floor. I've done this for 2 years it works well but he does end up rolling in to the bed most nights now

Op, are you me?

My grandson is 4 and ha only recently started sleeping with no one in the room. He has to have a night light though. Sounds like you're doing well.

Do what you think is right for your LO. The only suggestion I would make, to make life a bit easier for you, would be to bring his cot in to your room next to your bed so that you don't have to lie on the floor! We did this for both or LOs till they were about 2.5/3 years old. They are both brilliant sleepers and no nonsense ever about bed times.

Oh my love OP. I feel you.

My first was like this! He used to mournfully say 'hand!' And I'd be holding his hand from the front of the car to his rear facing car seat ( as a passenger!) We both spent many many nights on the floor holding his hand.
He never slept as a baby unless with us. He couldn't self settle. We had the sleep consultant and tried the disappearing chair, pick up put down, pat shush and ever other god damn thing you try when you are on your knees and feel like you are failing.
Between 2.5 and 3 he got better. By 3 he was sleeping all night on his own. He still is cuddly and likes me to stay for 5 mins while he goes to sleep but he sleeps all night on his own and I honestly thought he'd never sleep solo! (He's now 4.5).
What made life bearable was having a pull put mattress and a proper double duvet and pillow so you could at least camp in relative comfort.
It isn't forever and you are rocking this! Well done! BTW my second kid slept way better and although likes a morning cuddle hates to hold hands at night!! There's light at the end of the tunnel!

I think you are a great Mum!
You are right to respond to his cries.
Just don't forget about yourself.
I don't think you really want to sleep on the floor.
I used to have the same with one of my kids. I used to hold his hand through the cot too, but I also made a point of going back to bed as soon as he was asleep or calmed down again. At some point I started to make a point to soothe but not stay untill they were asleep, but rather leave earlier,. I think that was at later age though. When so young just doing your best to be there for them, means you are doing great. Just don't forget yourself and put some limits for your own sanity.

I just need to add that I do think it's important you keep thinking and adjusting your response and slowly but gradually push towards less dependence on you for sleeping, I think it's important you don't let this carry on forever. Small steps though and taking it easy.

He’s your baby So your choice. I wouldn’t be lying on any floor holding my child’s hand till they go to sleep but I also never left them upset and crying either but that worked for me. They are my kids and their mother came to them, I just went in shhh shhh cuddle bum pat tucked them in and once calmed and settled left again they knew I’d always come. We are all individuals and what works for me doesn’t always work for others but if your baby is happy and you are happy with lying on the floor with him then I think you should do it. Perhaps as he gets bigger you could withdraw a bit sit further away don’t talk just quietly shush or sing/hum to them. Depends on your preference I always wanted mine to know I was there I’d come if they were upset but at the same time bedtime is for sleeping so it was quiet time etc

Hi OP. In my Indian culture babies are rarely ignored and we would normally sleep with children through teething. They also frequently sleep in with parents. I am not aware this creates any long term problems. What works for you, works for you. I felt really low when DC 2 was teething-purely down to sleep deprivation. Sounds like you are doing great to me. Would it be possible to get a couple of hours in the day if someone else can watch DC?