Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

I think it's unreasonable to feel resentful that they are not offering you the money. I would never ask my parents to invest in my business, irrespective of how much they had in the bank.

However, you've admitted that you made a series of bad decisions and the business stalled because of it. This admission seems to be being used against you. Could it be that she perhaps feels jealous that you had your own business, something she didn't achieve? Some people resent others for having "ideas above their station". Even their own children.

I would have given the unsolicited careers advice short shrift. And yes, I do think your mother was having a bit of a sly brag, showing you how much she has in the bank. I don't think that's appropriate either and it would appear that she was deliberately rubbing your nose in it.

I would back off. If they want to know why, I would make it very clear that you found her comments about you not liking hard work extremely offensive. Don't let her have the moral high ground by giving any indication it was because she didn't offer the money.

From what you say, she does seem to be goading you into creating some sort and drama. I think the best thing to do is take a step back, smile through gritted teeth, and not let it get the better of you.

@saraclara

So, seriously, give it a break

We have different experiences and know different people. That doesn’t make either of our experiences more or less correct. You don’t get to tell me to give it a break because I know different people than you!

There is no way if I were anywhere remotely close to your parents’ financial situation that I wouldn’t give (not loan) my DC the money needed in a situation like this. I would be proud of what they have achieved. Their view about getting a proper job is totally outdated - they clearly know nothing about public sector salary and pension schemes nowadays.

I helped my Dad out years ago with his tax bill - it was tight for me at the time but I knew he would pay me back and he did.

@mathanxiety its not really relevant to this thread though is it there are many different people in all generations and lots of people have help from parents with mortgage , inheritance etc your just tarring everyone with the same brush from one generation and not actually contributing anything helpful or answering the OP question
You sound a little bitter , its easy to think other generations had it easier but in the 80's there were some very high interest rates on mortgages and many lost equity and had to hand in keys etc

OP you've been totally self made up until now, making your own way by scholarships through education and building up your own business. I think your mistake was getting too close to your DPs and having any expectations of them, seeing as how they have treated you thus far.
I say forget them and move on. They aren't giving you the money so it's not worth wasting time wondering about the why. Brush up your CV and get a job asap so you can get your business up and running again and henceforth spend as little time with your DPs as possible.

@Finnyhaddock

They are 'hoardy' because they know they will need it when they can no longer work- I'm not 'old' but can't work and would be very loathe to lend hard earned money to people who make bad financial decisions. Saying that I wouldn't leave my kids without food or heating

By hoardy I don’t mean keeping money for living expenses, care fees, future costs etc as that is a sensible thing to do.

I mean living frugally, not spending a lot or doing a lot but sitting on hundreds of thousands of pounds…

This is classic parents being disappointed at what they see a Faure in their investment for you. Private school, scholarship in the US, but that still would been expensive, all paying off with you getting that job in London and then giving it all up for a business that 3 years later oy allow you to pay you a basic salary and something they see as nothing but a hobby.

They had high aspirations for you and feel let down so don't see why after investing so much in you in your youth for nothing, they should continue to do so.

This is exactly why I didn't want my kids to go to private school. I ne we wanted to feel that they owed me a thing for the sacrifices I would have had to make. I want them to do the jobs that make them happy, not make me proud.

@vivainsomnia I read it as OP got scholarships for her education, it was not paid for by her DPs. My reading is they basically didn't support her growing up, so it was a bit naive of OP to think they'd want to do so as an adult.

OP, I am sorry for what you arw going through and hope you find a way to make it through.

As for your parenrs, they sound deeply unpleasant to be around. I know family connections and interactions are often messy and complicated; we can get stuck in unhealthy familial patterns. Have you considered whether your mother and father bring something positive to your life?

Perhaps it would be better to reevalute your relationships with them if all they do is put you down?

I read it as OP got scholarships for her education, it was not paid for by her DPs
A scholarship in the states would be at absolute best for the uni fees, not living expenses. It's 4 years for a degree there. It's possible to work PT what studying, but it's unlikely that would be enough to pay for everything.

@CatherinedeBourgh

This is really bad advice. POA should only be given in specific circumstances, not to give your children free reign to your savings.

It’s not advice, just what she did. I took only what I needed, accrued interest and paid it back as soon as I could.

Still have the POA, as she would rather I have free access to her cash should something happen to her.

The fact that she trusts me that much means I would never ever abuse it.

You do know POA ends on death if that's what you mean by if something happens to her. Also the person who hold the POA is not allowed to advantage themselves from the persons assets. If they died before the money could be put back that would be problematic I would imagine.

Interesting the number of people who feel that as it would be a loan to your business you are less worthy of it than if you were employed.

I can only think that these opinions are from those who are employed.

People have no idea how difficult it can be running a business and the degree of balance required between expenditure and income.

I could have guessed your DP were retired from the public sector no doubt with large lump sums and good index linked pensions.

@vivainsomnia

I had a full ride scholarship. It included housing and my meal plan.

@vivainsomnia

My private education was also scholarship.

My parents invested nothing in my education. It was all paid for by my hard work.

To be clear. No funds were ever directed from my parents to me for any part of my education. I even paid for my own flights in and out of the US which at that time were about £500 a round trip into the southern US.

So no financial investment but in that case, with such a rare scholarship for a foreign student, your talent must have been 8ncredible with very high potential so back to your parents maybe being very disappointed with the outcome.

Very sad if that's the case, but you can't take that away and need to accept that you are on your own.

I had a family member lend me money (10 thousand US) when I divorced my first husband, no question, and I paid it back within the year, with interest above the base rate.

Family helps each other if they can. 10K is nothing if the OP’s parents have that kind of money. It sounds to me like a setback as someone the OP trusted let them down, and not a horrible business model. Things happen.

It may well be that your parents are jealous of what you have achieved and are rubbing it in your face that you had a setback. I had a mother like this…no matter what I achieved, it was never good enough, and she positively revelled in any failures. It was abusive.

Dust yourself off, get your bank loan, and lower your contact with them. It is unlikely they will leave you any money anyway…they will probably leave it all to a cat charity based or something based on their past and present behaviour. Once abusers, always abusers.

@sst1234

The parents have explained their position. They are not witholding the money to watch Op struggle. They think the business is unviable. That is a very good reason to not give OP money. Regardless of whether the business is viable or not, if they believe that putting money into this business is bad in the long run, they actually have good intentions.

This post has said exactly what I wanted to say. The parents are, in their minds, not being mean. They want the OP to stop going down a path that they believe is destructive, and go down one they think leads to a good outcome. Whether they are wrong or right in the judgement, they are entitled to use their money in accordance with their beliefs.

I say "in their minds" because the more the OP has clarified what the business is, the more I think the parents have got the assessment wrong. Whenever I read a post about a "business" owner having a "temporary" setback, I 95% assume that they are delusional (or just wrong) about the viability of their business. But all the background OP has posted makes me feel she may be an exception.

Having said that, in the context of already having 330K of equipment, I'm a bit gobsmacked at 10K being a difficult amount to raise. I haven't applied for a new credit card in about 15 years, a number I held 15 years ago have been cancelled due to lack of use, and yet in an emergency I could still raise 10K between the cards I have left. I wonder if the 330K of equipment is funded by other debt that OP hasn't mentioned? That would change the picture considerably.

@vivainsomnia the op paid for her own education she made that clear at the beginning
How her parents didn't help them is unbelievable we plan to help my ds and we financially struggle and I would't feel he owes us for helping him go to uni if he leaves and then becomes a bin man , so what a jobs a job but as his parents we want to help him have a choice and have options, we had our children they don't owe us anything regardless to what sacrifices we have made as they were our choices
Op parents seem to not want to if helped financially at all

I think your parents are being unkind not to help and Id struggle to furtive it tbh. Which I get will get me flamed on here but I don't understand how you can see your kid in a tricky spot, be easily able to help and choose not to.

@RandomLondoner they were happy to sit in the op house and complain it was cold but then leave due to being cold and leave op there though and not chuck them £20 towards some heating so its not just about the business is it

Another poster prompted this similar thought. People who have a million in cash and nothing in investments are the polar opposite of money-savvy investors, in both temperament and understanding.

If someone doesn't have what it takes to invest in a mainstream low-risk low-reward mutual fund, they are not the kind of people to put a penny into a private start-up business, even as a loan.

@RandomLondoner how do you know they don’t have investments? I know plenty of older people with cash and investments and property into the millions. Meanwhile their DC struggle to feed and clothe their DC and keep a roof over their heads.

[quote worriedatthemoment]@RandomLondoner they were happy to sit in the op house and complain it was cold but then leave due to being cold and leave op there though and not chuck them £20 towards some heating so its not just about the business is it [/quote]
I need to go back and check, on first reading it didn't come across to me that OP was cold, only that the parents didn't like the temperature of her home.

I really can't get my head around the idea of paying the utility bills of someone in their 30's. Maybe if they had learning difficulties or had struggled throughout life to even get minimum wage jobs, but OP seems to be the exact opposite of that. Despite her current issues, if people were ranked by ability to solve their own problems without help, something every adult should theoretically do, she must be in the top 1%.

[quote Jacaranda75]@RandomLondoner how do you know they don’t have investments? I know plenty of older people with cash and investments and property into the millions. Meanwhile their DC struggle to feed and clothe their DC and keep a roof over their heads.[/quote]
I assume OP would know of have mentioned if they also have investments.

If on top of the 1 million cash they have say 9 million in investments, so no more than 10% of their liquid wealth in cash, then I would take back all I thought about them not being investors.

I really can't get my head around the idea of paying the utility bills of someone in their 30's.

That was us a few years ago, in spite of both DH and I having reasonable jobs. Our salaries were eaten up with private rent and childcare.