Parents and money

[Potsofpetals]

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

Yanbu, I would give you the money.

@Lollipop999

Some people seem to get quite hoardy with money in my experience when they get older.

No idea why, but I’m sure there’s a reason.

Probably because they have to rely on their savings because they're no longer bringing in a wage. Pretty obvious, surely?

Your parents worked in the public sector all their lives so self employment is beyond their Ken. We're in a group of friends who are a mix of both as couples. The difference in understanding of the stresses of self employment is something they understand thankfully.

Don't expect parents to understand. We have neighbors either side, on the left ex NHS the other side ex military and education. Excellent pensions. Whereas we've flown by the seat of our pants at times in business. It is a chasm between us.

@Fairyliz not all, but it does seem quite a few I have come across recently that surprises me. I would love to be in a place where I can help my children our when I am in my 60s and 70s but most of my generation will probably still be working and paying our mortgages!!

@Dreamscomingtrue

I’m a boomer and I’ve helped my children. Downsized from a detached house to a semi in a cheaper area. Given them all a generous deposit to get a mortgage. I consider myself lucky to have bought a property relatively easy in the 1980’s. I’d much rather see them happy now than make them wait until I or my husband dies. And for anyone who shouts “what about the care home fees” I don’t intend going into one. As an ex care worker I have no intention of ending my days there.

What are your care plans should the need arise? I would have said the same about my dad that he wouldn't go but there really was no choice we could not have managed his needs

@justasking111

Your parents worked in the public sector all their lives so self employment is beyond their Ken. We're in a group of friends who are a mix of both as couples. The difference in understanding of the stresses of self employment is something they understand thankfully.

Don't expect parents to understand. We have neighbors either side, on the left ex NHS the other side ex military and education. Excellent pensions. Whereas we've flown by the seat of our pants at times in business. It is a chasm between us.

I was going to say similar @justasking111. My Dad taught his entire career and was flabbergasted when DH and I decided to set up a business a couple of years ago -it's currently a sideline, but we hope to end up doing it full-time in a few years. He thinks we're barmy and should stick with our current professions until we retire.

The OP's parents sound similar, but they're nasty and patronising to boot.

@EmpressCixi and you obviously can't read a thread as op says they have not asked for money before
And a million in cash plus house to me doesn't include the house at all

But why would you expect your parents to give you that money? I wouldn't dare ask my parents. I'd feel ashamed it's their hard earned money. When you say 'we' do u mean u and ur partner? Do their parents help or are expected to help?

@faithfulbird20 why not when they have that much ? And the op never even asked but its cleat it would likely be a short term loan anyway but as a parent with that much money lending 1% of your savings is it really a big deal? The op has had nothing from them at all
I don't have a pot to piss in and have debts etc but my ds wants to go to uni and we will help him all we can financially as we are his parents and want the best for him
I could understand if op had multiple loans etc from them but she hasn't even if they lent it and had a small share in business etc would be something
If i went round my friends house and it was freeziNg and i knew money was tight I would give them a £10 for gas etc , my own kids needing help in a situation like this no question

Itloggedmeoutagain

I have had discussions about going to a Swiss assisted dying clinic with my youngest son.
My husband feels the same way as i do about the subject, he would do the same.
If that was not possible, for whatever reasons, then I would have to explore other avenues.

I have supported my children in their businesses always.
They never ask i offer. I struggled in my business at first and know what it is like. They are going to get it someday so it might be better now when they need it.

Your parents are arseholes.

YANBU.

I agree with everyone who has said they have no idea at all what people do on computers all day and have rigid ideas about what constitutes work.

I have a very dear friend who has an IT business with her husband. It's kept a roof over their heads for 20 years, and they have sent their daughters to private school. Her mother, who was a sahm all her adult life, oh the irony, never stops badgering her about 'getting a job'.

@Finnyhaddock its a million pound in cash and they would get pensions pretty sure they can live quite comfortably on that
Pretty sure at 40 i could live off a million quite well for rest of my life as well if i also had a paid for house

I would give the money to you as a gift not a loan. Specially because you saved your parents so much money by getting scholarships.

Hope everything goes well going ahead but for the future do not believe in sobbing stories.

I am divided on this subject. I happily gave my child a big chunk of money to buy an apartment. However, I did think it was a good investment for him. I don't know if I would be happy giving OR lending child a large sum of money for something I thought was a bad investment. They are longtime public employees so they obviously think you are not only wasting money, but you are wasting time you should be spending doing a "real" job. In other words, why throw good money after bad. As far as their sarcastic attitude goes, it's possible that they are challenging you to get an office manager's job in a tough love kind of way. Have you actually held this kind of job before, for someone else, not yourself?

@faithfulbird20 i would never feel ashamed to ask my parents for help and I would hope my kids never would aa well , their my parents they would hate me to be struggling and not ask for help and same with my kids of i thought they would be ashamed to ask me for help I would think i had done something wrong i want my kids to know they can tell and ask me anything ,I may not always be in a position to help but i damn well would try my best

I have no idea why they are sitting with this in bank accounts earning fuck all . They could be earning interest in a fund in this which would keep them and the sum intact or even growing .

Mean and awful.

Also money aside the disrespecting you in your house and criticising your abilities is not on
They can choose not to lend you the money of course but its not for them to tell you what jobs you can or can't do
Any chance you can bring the appt forward at bank or speak on phone etc , do you have car you could sell and raise cash in short term , loan missing equipment ?

Think you are being a little unfair there. I’m one of those terrible boomers as are all of my friends. All of us without exception have helped our children out. Help with university costs ( none of us went to uni), driving lessons, first cars and sometimes second cars, deposits for rental properties, money towards buying their first property etc etc.

Millions of people without a university degree, and indeed millions of people with university degrees will never make the money it takes to help out their own children the way you and your H were able to help yours.

Millions of people with degrees will never own their own home. They will never be able to take advantage of the financial opportunities you can avail of - lower insurance rates for homeowners, lower credit card rates, better terms for financing a car, savings accruing interest - and more. The boomer generation were incredibly lucky to find themselves in the right place at the right time when they bought their homes and set themselves up in life.

Those days are long gone. My parents bought a three bedroom semi in the Dublin suburbs for IR£2,500 back in the 60s. Houses in the same estate have been sold for €650,000 in the last three years.

When analysing problems it's better to look at current reality, not back to the past. Things have changed a great deal.

If you were my child, I'd give you the money. I'm sorry - most parents wouldn't want to see their children struggle.

@mathanxiety whats your point the poster wAsn't saying wether people could help now just that the person who said boomers (disgusting word and ageist ) are all like it and that poster sAid they were not all same
Your not even accurate as you know interest rates were over 10% for a while , many had houses reposed, also many boomers as you put it won't all own a house
It just seems like you want to have a go at a certain generation

@mathanxiety at no point did the poster look back at the past or claim people should do better now just said they helped their children

That's NAMALT, in a nutshell.

There are many older people who do not understand the issues facing younger generations and whether you call them boomers or something else, that doesn't change the fact. Hence the Tory majority in the House of Commons.

What goes around comes around in defaults/repossessions. In a market dominated by adjustable rate mortgages, rates going down can act as an insulator, as happened during the crisis of 2008-09. There is relatively generous income support and little incentive for borrowers to try to offset taxes by taking on more mortgage debt than they can manage.

Don't forget the buyout of local authority homes in the Thatcher years, when former tenants were able to buy property that often made a massive difference to them and to their children and grandchildren.

The lack of investment in public housing since then has led to the enrichment of an owner class able to buy to let, at the expense of vast numbers of people under 45.

OP - I think you just have to accept that they don’t think that your current career is a stable one. Their opinion is that working in public sector or established private company provides greatest stability/prospects. So they see your business as high risk - and the current issues are proving a point to them (they may not be reasonable in their belief, but it’s not an irrational point of view). This may also be why they are reluctant to lend to you (as they see your business as risky and unsustainable).

Your mum is unreasonable about not encouraging you when you mentioned doing an office manager job to gain extra cash. When a business is starting off, it is often helpful for 1 person to have a ‘stable’ steady income - which can be office manager, care worker, pensions. She doesn’t seem to have registered v much about your education or career path - which is odd for a parent.