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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents and money

254 replies

Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 19:15

Name changed just in case it gets picked up by the bottom feeders at the DM.

We run our own business. After a series of bad decisions (that mainly surrounded trying to help others who had lost jobs due to covid. Lesson well and truly learnt) we’re up shits creek without a paddle.

We need £10k to get back on our feet and start again.

The business is viable, I wouldn’t be posting if i thought it wasn’t. We have an appointment with our bank but due to covid etc it’s not for another 2 weeks.

So my AIBU is this. My parents are aware of our situation but said they couldn’t afford to help. I accepted that with the grace that I knew it wasn’t entirely true but so be it.

While I was home for Christmas, my mother asked me to help set up her new iPad, banking etc. I was blown away by how much they had in their current account and online savings at their main bank. When I showed concern that they had too much money to be protected if the bank fell, she told me that they were maxed out at 3 other banks. So long story short, they are sitting on well over a million in cash plus property.

I made a comment yesterday about sorting everything out. Because my cousin committed suicide my mum is super weird about this kind of stuff and she took it the wrong way. Today they turned up to check that I was ok but to also demand we quit out “hobby” and get “real” jobs, they aren’t giving us any money because it’s like throwing good money after bad etc, etc.

AIBU to:

Be pissed that they turned up on my door step to sit in my house for two hours criticising me and DP before leaving because they were cold (I put the heating on for them but it was apparently freezing)

Resentful because while we wait for finance we don’t have a single penny to our names and any money would be a loan that I would pay back. I know it’s their money I really do but why would you not help in their situation? They walked out of the house twittering about it being freezing with little concern for my warmth.

I made a comment to my mum today about going and getting an office managers job on a short term contract until we sort finances She actually laughed in my face. Apparently I’m only good for shelf stacking and care work (not that there is anything wrong with those jobs). I don’t know WHAT THE FUCK she thinks I currently do all day. I literally designed our website, do our account, manage everything but no I’m only good for stacking boxes.

The only back story is my dad was an abuse cheating arsehole growing up. He’s not all that well these days and his character has softened. I’m willing to brush the screaming and hitting under the carpet for the sake of my lovely sister but I can’t let go of the hurt I feel knowing they could help but won’t.

I don’t even know what I’m asking really. Would you lend your children money in their position? would you criticise your already mentally vulnerable child’s capabilities to do a job? Would you walk out of their house knowing they have nothing at all? Are these people good for me? do I need to stop contact for my own sanity or am I being a selfish entitled brat who needs to sort out her own life and my parents are only trying to give me a bit of tough love?

OP posts:
sleepyhoglet · 03/01/2022 22:34

They sound judgemental and unkind tbh. They may not approve of the business but they should want to help you

Mybumlooksbig · 03/01/2022 22:34

Yanbu.

Your parents should want to help you, hugs x

workingtheusername · 03/01/2022 22:37

Your parents should want to help but ultimately it's their money and upto them how they spend it.

elelel · 03/01/2022 22:37

Tbh I would help mine in these circumstances even if I didn't have every faith in the viability of the business. People make mistakes and if my kids make them, even as adults, I fully intend to be there for them. Giving them another shot at it would be my first thought anyway

Original poster
Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 22:38

Thank you for explaining so eloquently @eagerlywaitingfor what I couldn’t without giving my whole business model away. It’s been a long day.

OP posts:
sleepyhoglet · 03/01/2022 22:42

@emilynotinparis seems a lot of parents (particularly of the baby boomer age) are like this. I know mine are. So many parents just don't get how expensive life is these days and enjoy their nice pensions and lump sums from pretty average jobs eg nurse / teacher. Those who are nurses and teachers now won't retire anything like that or have anywhere near the same quality of life

mcmooberry · 03/01/2022 22:45

Oh God it's unfathomable why parents wouldn't help their hard-working children in this situation.
You sound like a true grafter with a great business who had the bad luck to live the No Good Deed Goes Unpunished expression.
I don't think these people are good for you to answer your question. They don't appreciate you or get you at all.

SofiaMichElf · 03/01/2022 22:45

Don't you have business insurance to claim the loss of machinery ??

MN never fails to amaze with ideas about what insurance actually is.

You can't give something to someone and then claim on insurance when you get into a dispute about getting it back.

ashorterday · 03/01/2022 22:47

If I was in their position I wouldn't lend you the money, I'd give it to you.

saraclara · 03/01/2022 22:48

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@FortySeven

Fair enough; perhaps it’s not correct to generalise, or fair. I do just know a lot of boomers who are like this, unfortunately![/quote]
All the boomers I know are, like me, helping their kids financially with house deposits, etc.

We know things are hard for our kids' generation, and those of us who do have savings (and of course there are many many boomers in poverty or who have always worked on minimum wage and have no pension to speak of) are stepping in to help (not to mention doing free childcare).

So, seriously, give it a break.

expat101 · 03/01/2022 22:48

On the practical side, have you involved the police to assist with the recovery of your work tools if you know who has them? (I have read your replies OP but not all of everyone else's and don't recall you mentioning this). What is happening in that regard?

I Assume you have listed it for a claim in Court?

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 03/01/2022 22:49

Can you not (you know) "pinch" the machine back if its yours then you wont be in trouble for doing that? Send some heavies in or something?

Original poster
Potsofpetals · 03/01/2022 22:54

Police aren’t interested. I lent it to him. It’s a civil dispute.

As much as I’d like to go and get it back I would actually be arrested for breaking into his garage.

As bonkers as that sounds it’s the legal position I find myself in.

We’ve sent the paperwork to the small claims court, paid the fees but due to an ever increasing backlog we won’t get to court until July.

OP posts:
Andi2020 · 03/01/2022 22:57

Flowers hugs to you have been in your position both me an DH were unemployed at same time about 12 years ago some weeks I wouldn't have enough money to put fuel in car had to count food out so we had enough for week while my parents have a big farm which they have now transferred to 2 of my brothers.
I never once asked for money iwhat are your parents planning on doing with their 1m idiots when they could help both you and your sister and encourage use.

NYnewstart · 03/01/2022 22:58

I can’t imagine not helping my dc in your situation.
It sounds as if she should be really proud of you. I would be.

Your whole relationship sounds rather dysfunctional. I think counselling would help.

Itawapuddytat · 03/01/2022 23:01

If I had been your parents I'd have helped you, OP. I hope eagerlywaitingfor can help/advise you, or that the bank will give you the loan you need. Best of luck! Flowers

Viviennemary · 03/01/2022 23:09

You have made some dumb financial decisions. You need to both get proper jobs and not expect others to bail you out.

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 03/01/2022 23:09

Your mum wanted you to know how much money she has. She didn't NEED you to set up online banking for her, but was happy for your assistance because she wants you to see her bank balance, and probably loved telling you that she's maxed out those other accounts.

The other comments they made are vile. Really nasty and out of touch.

I don't think it's really fair to expect a loan from anyone, but putting that to one side, your parents sound really nasty and I wouldn't want much to do with them. You're much better off getting the loan yourself. I wouldn't want to ask them for a single penny - they'll never let you forget it.

Lollipop999 · 03/01/2022 23:12

Some people seem to get quite hoardy with money in my experience when they get older.

No idea why, but I’m sure there’s a reason.

Finnyhaddock · 03/01/2022 23:16

They are 'hoardy' because they know they will need it when they can no longer work-
I'm not 'old' but can't work and would be very loathe to lend hard earned money to people who make bad financial decisions.
Saying that I wouldn't leave my kids without food or heating

Oneborneverydecade · 03/01/2022 23:17

If any of my children show the same level of motivation and hard work as you seem to have, I hope I have the good sense to recognise it.
Your mum's failure to acknowledge your successes seems especially strange given that she had a well paid job herself. It's not like she felt forced to be a sahm but would've liked to work, and so is jealous.
I really hope you get it sorted OP. I think I'd have to consider being less available going forward.

Dreamscomingtrue · 03/01/2022 23:22

I’m a boomer and I’ve helped my children. Downsized from a detached house to a semi in a cheaper area. Given them all a generous deposit to get a mortgage. I consider myself lucky to have bought a property relatively easy in the 1980’s. I’d much rather see them happy now than make them wait until I or my husband dies. And for anyone who shouts “what about the care home fees” I don’t intend going into one. As an ex care worker I have no intention of ending my days there.

WhatToDo1988 · 03/01/2022 23:29

Tricky one. You say this is a business with your DP, not DH? So they would be lending money to what is, in their eyes, a failing business together with a man you're not married to? Sorry, but that's really not a clear cut situation where you could say most parents would help. My parents are lovely people and have helped me in the past but not sure even they would help me with this. The risk of it being a 10k gift going down the drain is very high, regardless of how sure you are of your business model.

Fairyliz · 03/01/2022 23:40

[quote sleepyhoglet]@emilynotinparis seems a lot of parents (particularly of the baby boomer age) are like this. I know mine are. So many parents just don't get how expensive life is these days and enjoy their nice pensions and lump sums from pretty average jobs eg nurse / teacher. Those who are nurses and teachers now won't retire anything like that or have anywhere near the same quality of life[/quote]
@sleepyhoglet
Think you are being a little unfair there. I’m one of those terrible boomers as are all of my friends. All of us without exception have helped our children out. Help with university costs ( none of us went to uni), driving lessons, first cars and sometimes second cars, deposits for rental properties, money towards buying their first property etc etc.

None of us are particularly well paid, probably all on about average wages and none of us had any of this help from our own parents. So it’s actually a bit galling when we are all tarred as being uncaring.
So yes I’m sure we would have all helped the op if she was our daughter.

Viviennemary · 03/01/2022 23:44

Heaven forbid folk should hoard money and not give it away to family to waste on risky business ventures. Hmm