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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some people think that they have to same surname as their child?

230 replies

SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 17:37

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 20:49

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I know it’s always asked but I’ve never seen it answered:

If you double barrel, what happens when your children want to double barrel for the same reasons? Triple barrelling? How does it continue? It seems very short sighted and inconvenient for everyone down the line

Obviously most people would just pick one of the names...
Puremule · 03/01/2022 20:50

@colourfulpuddles

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

Cop the fuck on with this absolute horseshite!
DynamiteFilledRadish · 03/01/2022 20:51

@theremustonlybeone

Whose family name are we talking about? I am laughing here at folks saying its important as we are a family unit. Why have your DC not got your name and your DP/DH not taken on yours?

There is no reason for a woman to have a different name as the child she birthed

This is how I feel, although it isn't a popular view on here these days. I feel like we are going backwards.
Parker231 · 03/01/2022 20:52

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I know it’s always asked but I’ve never seen it answered:

If you double barrel, what happens when your children want to double barrel for the same reasons? Triple barrelling? How does it continue? It seems very short sighted and inconvenient for everyone down the line

DT’s have double barrelled surname. As far as I’m aware (no wedding in the pipeline yet) DD plans on keeping her surname and giving it to any children she might have.,
thinkbiglittkeone · 03/01/2022 20:56

I liked us all having the same name, our family name.

If I divorced I would keep my name as it's the same as my DS.

OllyBJolly · 03/01/2022 21:04

@Cakecakecheese

Can't it make things a bit awkward if you're going abroad with the child without the parent who has their surname?
Ever since I was very young I thought it weird that women were expected to change their name on marriage. I didn’t and insisted my DCs had my name. So we all have the same name.

Twice now I’ve had horrible experiences at border control (Canada and US) travelling as a single parent. The DCs were asked “where’s your pa? Why isn’t he with you?” Thankfully they answered “He’s working” which was true although having been separated for years there was no reason for him to accompany us to visit my family!

So I think the issue in hypersensitive US and Canada is children travelling with a single adult, not that they might have different names.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 03/01/2022 21:04

If i had retained my maiden name when I married any children would have my surname and not his

DynamiteFilledRadish · 03/01/2022 21:05

Reading all the comments on here I honestly think it boils down to marriage still being seen as the ultimate prize for a woman. People expressing horror that school would think you're not married or, even more sickening, a wicked stepmother!! This idea that being Mrs MansName is something that women strive for. It's been internalised in many of the commenters on this thread. I find it depressing. We don't need men to keep us down, we do it to each other.

HikingforScenery · 03/01/2022 21:07

Never had a problem.
My children have the same surname as DH and have my surname as one of their mn.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 03/01/2022 21:13

Well this thread has been very helpful in confirming to me just how happy I am with the decisions me and DH have made in relation to ours and the children’s names - because I don’t feel one bit hurt or angry at some of the brilliant posts on here (I’m looking at you @colourfulpuddles) just thoroughly amused.

Imagine being so insecure about your own life you have to tell other people theirs aren’t worthy…blimey.

And we are married, and we’re before we conceived any children. I just liked my name, but wanted to keep it and wasn’t going to try to persuade DH to change his given he was already established using it for professional purposes (like me). So we are a house with different names. Amused that that means some people will assume we are not married an judge our lack of commitment! Grin

Parker231 · 03/01/2022 21:18

@TheFlyHalfsMum - totally agree. We’ve been married 26 years but I kept my surname. I also don’t wear a wedding or engagement ring - what must people think!

DynamiteFilledRadish · 03/01/2022 21:27

[quote Parker231]@TheFlyHalfsMum - totally agree. We’ve been married 26 years but I kept my surname. I also don’t wear a wedding or engagement ring - what must people think![/quote]
My mum often tells people that me and Radishman aren't really married because I don't have his name and don't wear a ring. Mind you, she told me the other week that my bank card was illegal because it says Ms Radish and not Mrs Hisname.....🤔

JustLyra · 03/01/2022 21:28

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I know it’s always asked but I’ve never seen it answered:

If you double barrel, what happens when your children want to double barrel for the same reasons? Triple barrelling? How does it continue? It seems very short sighted and inconvenient for everyone down the line

Friends of ours have gone with the two firsy surnames (which in her case was her mother’s name) so they are AName-BName and CName-Dname and the kids are AName-CName.

Another set picked the two that went together best for the children.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 03/01/2022 21:34

You don’t wear a wedding ring @Parker231 Shock you harlot…Grin

Cassie124 · 03/01/2022 21:35

In some countries (Spain for example), you don't change your name upon marriage and people have two surnames, one from each parent. So if mum was a-b and dad c-d, the children would be a-c (or a-d, b-c etc)

JassyRadlett · 03/01/2022 21:43

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I know it’s always asked but I’ve never seen it answered:

If you double barrel, what happens when your children want to double barrel for the same reasons? Triple barrelling? How does it continue? It seems very short sighted and inconvenient for everyone down the line

You need to read the rest of the threads where it’s asked. I’ve never seen it left unanswered, and usually answered multiple times.

Some good examples already mentioned here. My answer for my own kids is ‘whatever the fuck they like.’ I’m just glad that they won’t go into marriage believing that the possession of a penis means their kids should automatically have their name lest they feel emasculated or whatever.

The Spanish example has always seemed a sensible one to follow from my perspective. They don’t seem to find it terribly inconvenient.

Puppyseahorse · 03/01/2022 21:46

@saraclara

I'm not a traditionalist, but when I married nearly 45 years ago, I didn't give much thought to the name thing. I was happy to take my husband's surname for the usual MN reason. It was much nicer than mine, and it felt natural. I didn't feel strongly either way.

But once we had kids I loved that we all shared a name. We're the Claras. We're a tribe, a team. We're connected by a name. Now that the person whose name I took is no longer with us, I like that it's in use every day still. One of my daughters is now married and you get DH's surname. But when she set up a WhatsApp group for her, me and her sis, she called it 'The Claras...."

I like it.

@saraclara your post is really interesting. You’re saying that you enjoy sharing a name with your children, but your daughter is no longer a Clara (if I’ve understood your post correctly?) doesn’t that diminish ‘tribe’ feeling, according to your logic?

I’m interested to hear more, because I think I’d be upset if my DD changed her name and was no longer connected by a name to me and her dad (she has a DB.)

elfycat · 03/01/2022 21:46

I kept my original name when I married for 3 reasons. A) It's my name and I like it. B) I'm too lazy to bother with any extra paperwork so didn't bother. C) It goes better with my first name, which rhymes with DH's surname and sounds a bit twee.

D) then occurred - it pissed of my misogynistic PIL but I was happy with that accidental outcome

DDs have their father's surname as I wasn't bothered and it is usual in the UK, but we made sure to test out their names and diminutive nicknames with the surname for sound quality, dodgy words being created by the initials etc. DD1 (13) wants to use my surname as her 'pseudonym' if she ever becomes a famous YouTuber, Writer etc.

It really hasn't caused any issues. If I'm called by their surname I let it lie for a one off contact, or gently correct them if we'll be speaking again. I haven't travelled abroad alone with them but would take birth certs and snacks/a book for us all in case it took a while to get through the checks. They look like mini clones of me anyway.

Puppyseahorse · 03/01/2022 21:52

@DynamiteFilledRadish

Reading all the comments on here I honestly think it boils down to marriage still being seen as the ultimate prize for a woman. People expressing horror that school would think you're not married or, even more sickening, a wicked stepmother!! This idea that being Mrs MansName is something that women strive for. It's been internalised in many of the commenters on this thread. I find it depressing. We don't need men to keep us down, we do it to each other.
@DynamiteFilledRadish this is really well said and not expressed often enough.

Women who change their names often explain it by minimising it- ‘it’s just a name’, ‘his name was nicer’, etc. But I agree with you that often, it’s a conscious preference because it reflects that a woman has been ‘chosen’ by a man. ‘Mrs MansName’ being something that women strive for- 100%.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/01/2022 21:53

Because I wanted to have the same name as my children so I gave them mine. I bear the children, I endured the pain. I nearly died in childbirth. I have raised them. Why on earth wouldn't they have my name?

Why don't you question men who insist women change?

saraclara · 03/01/2022 22:00

@Puppyseahorse it doesn't seem to matter to me that she changed her name. She was a Clara from birth until she was 30, and that's how I think of her. I have to remind myself that she had a different surname when I need to address anything to her!

I think that over three decades, the 'we're a unit' thing is really well established. It's more about childhood belonging I suspect. And like I said, she still considers herself to be a Clara inside.

I'm not for a moment saying that we wouldn't be a family unit without that, or that it's even an important part of being a daily. But since we do have it, it's something that I enjoy.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 22:07

@DynamiteFilledRadish

We don't need men to keep us down, we do it to each other

We certainly do, with patronising comments like yours that imply that having a different opinion or traditional values must be internalised misogyny and nothing more, that women can’t have their own minds and follow what they would like to do just because its not something you personally would do.

FKATondelayo · 03/01/2022 22:09

This thread is bizarre. You realise that women taking their husband's surname on marriage is not culturally universal and that many countries the mother has different surname to their husband and kids. My Ghanaian ex-boyfriend was born a twin and they both were therefore given a surname name meaning that - completely different to the rest of their family.

My kids go to a very diverse London school and it is perfectly normal that the mum's and kids surnames are different - it's never been an issue. I just get called "Brian's Mum." Nobody cares about what my surname is.

My kids have two surnames in their nuclear family that connect them to both sides of their heritage and history. I just asked them if it bothered them I had a different surname and they were baffled by the question.

MajorCarolDanvers · 03/01/2022 22:15

Imagine being cross about someone else surname choice. 🤷‍♀️

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 22:23

@MajorCarolDanvers

Agree. Madness