To not understand why some people think that they have to same surname as their child?

[SalonSharon]

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

@MajorCarolDanvers

We all have the same surname and I like it.

I am not bothered about what other people do or why. Each to their own.

Which surname do you all have - yours?

I'm divorced from my DC's father but I've kept my married surname so that I have the same surname as my DC. I wouldn't want to change my surname back to my unmarried name because, on paper, it makes my Ex's relationship as their parent more obvious than mine.

If you don't take your DH's surname yourself or aren't married to your DC's father, the children are still going to have to take one surname or the other. I'd rather be the parent who's surname is used so it's obvious that I'm their mother. I do appreciate though that in a lot of cultures mothers and their children don't have the same surname.

If everyone in the home has a different surname or it’s a cultural norm for you to keep your birth surname then I suppose it doesn’t make much difference. If the children are given the father’s surname and you’re all living together then the mother is the odd one out.

If it’s not a big deal to have a different surname then why is it that 9 times out of ten the children of unmarried parents are given the father’s name? Or is it only not a big deal for mothers?

@Theluggage15

If you’re a SAHM for instance then the legal contract of marriage/civil partnership can be very important. Having children is certainly not seen as a great commitment by some men that’s for sure.

I personally wouldn't have been a SAHP without being married. But that's a financial thing, it's nothing to do with being a family.

I'm not married, me and my partner have been together for 11 years and have a son. Both work full time as neither of us wanted to give up our careers and we like the lifestyle we can afford with both wages. I don't think it makes us any less a family, we stay faithful to each other because we love each other, not because we are unable to leave due to the financial impact of a divorce.

I have the same surname as my child, my husband has a different surname. Has never been a concern.

I think travel is probably more complicated than in the 90s as, if you’re separated, you’re supposed to have the permission of the other parent to take children abroad on holiday (if that other parent has parental responsibility.) Having a different surname to your DC flags that.

Oh and ds had my name, wasn't even a discussion. If we ever do get married I think dp will take my name. I don't care if he does or not but ds and I will keep our surname.

To repeat what I've said before... I travel alone with DDs. We have the same name. I have still been questioned at border control about permission for the trip. I am married to their father, who also shares the same name.

Now they are older they tend to ask the children instead. And ask DD1 how to say her name.

I was one of the only kids in my class at school with unmarried parents and different surnames and it made me feel insecure/different. I've always wanted my family to feel more of a 'unit' since then, and the name - for me - is part of that. That said, I don't view any other families who have different surnames etc in the same way I viewed my own growing up. It's very personal.

Because it’s tedious to have to keep correcting people when they say Mrs [son’s surname]: “Oh no, I’m actually Miss [my surname], no I am his mum”. I’m planning to change mine when we marry next year. I like us all being the same too.

My partner was happy for son to have my name and would be happy for me to keep mine but I don’t feel any great attachment to my maiden name.

@SalonSharon

I am from the UK

I think that name is just a word used to identify a person.

Perhaps what I’m really asking is why some people feel that the name is so important to make them feel like a unit.

I grew up having a different name to the rest of my family and it always made me feel left out. People would write Christmas cards to “the Smiths”, or talk about “oh the Smith family always cheat at monopoly” (or whatever), people at school didn’t realise my sister and I were related. Lots and lots of tiny things, but they add up. I changed my last name to match the rest of my family when I was in my early 20s.

@Cakecakecheese

Can't it make things a bit awkward if you're going abroad with the child without the parent who has their surname?

If you do, you need to take the child’s birth certificate with you, in case anyone at passport control needs to know you’re a parent, and not abducting the child.

My dd took her first baby (different surname) to France and had to produce the BC at passport control - just as well she’d brought it. I was in the car with her so witnessed this.

@WhatScratch

I think travel is probably more complicated than in the 90s as, if you’re separated, you’re supposed to have the permission of the other parent to take children abroad on holiday (if that other parent has parental responsibility.) Having a different surname to your DC flags that.

Surnames don't indicate anything about who has PR. All children have two parents and in most cases they will both have PR. Technically al people with PR need to give consent to go abroad but in reality this isn't enforced.

I’m baffled why any woman who is not married to the father of her child gives the child the fathers surname (full disclosure: my son has my surname)

@colourfulpuddles

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

Wow... We're in our 60s, unmarried but together for nearly 40 years, we don't share a name, 2 adult children, a grandchild, jointly owned family home where we brought up our children. What are we if not a family?

I've always had a different surname to everyone in my family (apart from Father but he was abusive and absent).

I have to say it never bothered me as a child, even with the added context of my surname being from an abusive parent. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My now-DH was very bothered by us all having the same surname though, to the point that all of us (DH included) have a very long double-barrelled surname which combines both our names.

I guess if you've only known being part of a family with a shared surname it feels like it is part of 'what being a family is'.

Only those of us who didn't have this know that it doesn't actually matter?

Some of the comments on this thread are bonkers.

I am obviously in the minority but I find it totally cringe being “the Lucys” or whatever. I actually have my own identity funnily enough. I’ve never had a problem with having a different surname. In fact I LOVE telling people what my surname is, because I have a successful career and I’m proud to have kept my own name. My kids have my DH name purely for lengthy pragmatic reasons. The only people that have ever seemed to have had a problem with this is insecure men.

It's just personal preference isn't it? For me the purpose of a surname is to denote a close family unit. Sharing my parents surname made me feel secure as a child, so I saw that as important to share with my own children. The actual name is far less important than what it represents. Others see a surname as an immutable and vital part of their heritage/identity. There is no right or wrong to it.

People who are saying it’s difficult having a different surname to your children in every day life are making me laugh. I’ll ignore travel, bcs I appreciate there is possibly a need for a birth certificate/letter of consent in that case, but my child has my husband’s name (not mine), and in the day to day there is literally zero problem. We all very occasionally get called the wrong surname, depending on who the person who mixes it up knew originally (eg daughter and husband occasionally get called my surname if the person we are talking to has interacted with me first, and vice versa for me). We would all answer to the other name if needed, and you either ignore it if the person who got it wrong has no need to know your surname long term, or you politely correct them. No one cares, and there is literally no drama associated with it!

And I don’t know wear a wedding ring. People probably think we’re not married. Shocking.

I once went to get dd's prescription from the chemist signed the back etc then they wouldn't let me have her medication because I had a different surname to her. Had to go home get her birth cert with parents names on and then I was allowed her medication. I also hated being referred to has Mrs bells by the school they knew my surname and still called me Mrs bells and sent letters addressed to Mrs bells.

Reading some (not all) of the previous comments there's a lot about what other people think...

Nasty comments from other people, people not knowing what your relationship is, etc.

I guess it helps that I do not give any shits about what other people think.

If anyone made a comment about it 'not being like I'm his mother' I'd give them a hard Paddington stare and say something along the lines of 'Really? He definitely came out of my vagina, would you like to see the scars?' and hopefully make them wither on the spot

My kids have my DH name purely for lengthy pragmatic reasons. The only people that have ever seemed to have had a problem with this is insecure men I laughed at this post where Lucycantdance states she finds it cringy and states she has her own identity and then happily states her DC have her DH name for pragmatic reasons....

why do woman still fall into the handing their DC the mans surname...

I'm not a traditionalist, but when I married nearly 45 years ago, I didn't give much thought to the name thing. I was happy to take my husband's surname for the usual MN reason. It was much nicer than mine, and it felt natural. I didn't feel strongly either way.

But once we had kids I loved that we all shared a name. We're the Claras. We're a tribe, a team. We're connected by a name. Now that the person whose name I took is no longer with us, I like that it's in use every day still. One of my daughters is now married and you get DH's surname. But when she set up a WhatsApp group for her, me and her sis, she called it 'The Claras...."

I like it.

@bcc89

Even if you're unmarried and live together and super committed, I don't understand why people are giving their babies the dad's surname though? Why wouldn't the baby have yours?

There's no world in which I wouldn't just automatically give the daughter my surname, to match me. Her mum.

My DD's surname is her father's precisely because of that logic.

I've been lumbered with the surname of a man who was precisely fuck all to do with me - both physically and genetically, as she left and got knocked up by somebody else's husband ten years later.

At least DD has some genetic link with hers.

DH and I negotiated for years over surnames. I kept my surname, he kept his, and the children have both our names, double-barrelled. The children like it, because they see it as coming from both of them. For family cards, etc, people refer to us all by the double-barrelled name, but as inviduals, DH and I just have our original surnames.