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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some people think that they have to same surname as their child?

230 replies

SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 17:37

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/01/2022 18:38

I'm just thinking of all those poor children out there, like my son, who don't have a family because their parents are just housemates.

Simonjt · 03/01/2022 18:40

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

I'm just thinking of all those poor children out there, like my son, who don't have a family because their parents are just housemates.
Isn’t it weird that some people get engaged to and marry their housemates, most Uni house shares must have been very different to mine!
Velvian · 03/01/2022 18:40

People don't seem to think it's weird when a man wants his child to have his name, why is it weird that it is important to a woman?

Particularly when mothers are usually the primary carer. Particularly when the mother's name is given by default. Many women are so well trained that they willingly hand over that small sphere of power that they have to the father. (I include myself)

My sister and many of my friends are bringing up DC on their own that have different family names. DC by men that convinced them that they would all have the same name one day when they got married, wile having no intention of getting married.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 18:42

@Puffalicious

Well done for taking my quote singularly and ignoring the following sentence : “Doesn’t bother me if other people don’t want to do the same/dont care but I care snd it’s important to me. I like that we are a family with one united name”

I don’t give a shit if you think it’s smug - OP asked for opinions and that’s mine! I’m
Pretty pleased to have followed what I personally wanted to do. It mattered to ME

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/01/2022 18:42

Simonjt absolutely! My friends housemates didn't even share a bed or a bank account! They were clearly doing it all wrong.

Bouncer500 · 03/01/2022 18:42

Because they are my family. A surname is a family name. Different family name implies different family.

Beseen22 · 03/01/2022 18:43

I was very young when I got married and didn't have much identity, I've grown with my husband and like that we are our own family with our own surname. I know its controversial but I really like being called Mrs x. Maybe something to do with difficult relationship with my own parents who would be a little narcissistic but I like that we are a separate entity to them and when I married I changed my name to be part of that new family that we had created.

I appreciate your initial post, why do some people insist on the same name but essentially my answer would be why not? If it doesn't work for your family for whatever reason that's fine, if you do want to have a family name then that's fine too.

bonetiredwithtwins · 03/01/2022 18:44

@Velvian

This is also why I made it clear to my husband - no marriage no children. It was the one thing I refused to compromise on. I'm more than happy being the main earner by a long way and financially carrying our family and also doing the lions share of what I suppose MN would term "life admin" because I'm better at it. The least he could do was commit to me in the way that I wanted / deserved.

WonderfulYou · 03/01/2022 18:44

I don’t see the big issue either.
Maybe a few years ago it made it more difficult to get a passport or something but now it wouldn’t matter, I don’t know many families where everyone has the same surname.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 18:45

@bcc89

Agree!

MrsColon · 03/01/2022 18:46

We travel a lot, I've seen plenty of children (even quite young ones) questioned at the border because their surname isn't the same as their escorting parent.

I'd not like that to happen to my DC, nor would I like to require a letter of permission to travel to certain countries who require an unmarried father's permission for the DC to leave the country.

FarDownTheRiver · 03/01/2022 18:47

@SalonSharon

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

Who knows! Seems so important to some men for some reason I can’t fathom either. Does anyone have any ideas why that might be?
eggandonion · 03/01/2022 18:48

I got married, but kept my original surname. I had children who have my husbands surname, but middle names from my family tree. I have never had a problem at airports, dentists, schools, anywhere...
Ddog took my surname, because I dealt with the rescue centre, the vet and the insurance. And his first name goes better with my surname.

colourfulpuddles · 03/01/2022 18:50

Seriously? Fuck off. Don't care if I'm deleted. How fucking rude and offensive.

@Puffalicious Truth hurt? If you’re not married, you haven’t committed to each other. That’s just fact - marriage is a commitment.

Parker231 · 03/01/2022 18:51

@colourfulpuddles

Seriously? Fuck off. Don't care if I'm deleted. How fucking rude and offensive.

@Puffalicious Truth hurt? If you’re not married, you haven’t committed to each other. That’s just fact - marriage is a commitment.

I think having children together is a much greater commitment than a marriage.
OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/01/2022 18:53

@colourfulpuddles

Seriously? Fuck off. Don't care if I'm deleted. How fucking rude and offensive.

@Puffalicious Truth hurt? If you’re not married, you haven’t committed to each other. That’s just fact - marriage is a commitment.

Marriage is not the only commitment available. Plus I know loads of married people who have had affairs so clearly most are not that bothered by their 'commitment'
Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 18:54

@Parker231

I think having children together is a much greater commitment than a marriage

Well, no, not strictly speaking. It CAN be, but equally you can have children unintentionally. You can’t get married unintentionally. You can also fuck off and leave your children with far fewer legal repercussions, usually, than leaving your marriage.

Keepitrealnomists · 03/01/2022 18:55

My parents (mum wanted it more than dad) to double barrel my surname so I had my mum's maiden name and dad's surname. When parents divorced my mum remarried and had a different surname to me. I only had part of my dad's surname. Honestly I hated it, it made me feel like I didn't belong anywhere. Its hugely important to me that my children have the same surname as me. I married my DH before we had DC so we all have the same surname but if I should have been unmarried the DC would have had my surname.

Needdoughnuts · 03/01/2022 18:56

@ANameChangeAgain

Its community, history and belonging. I'm a "xxxx", says these are the people I belong to and these are the people that are part of me.
Bizarre. Surely it's only ever 50% of you?
Onlyrainbows · 03/01/2022 18:56

No clue, couldn't care less about it TBH

Theluggage15 · 03/01/2022 18:57

If you’re a SAHM for instance then the legal contract of marriage/civil partnership can be very important. Having children is certainly not seen as a great commitment by some men that’s for sure.

Puffalicious · 03/01/2022 18:58

@colourfulpuddles

Seriously? Fuck off. Don't care if I'm deleted. How fucking rude and offensive.

@Puffalicious Truth hurt? If you’re not married, you haven’t committed to each other. That’s just fact - marriage is a commitment.

You're just horrid. No, it doesn't hurt. I'm married and was married before children, but have chosen to keep my own name- as I've already explained. However, that doesn't matter, if o wasn't married I'd still be as committed and as much of a family. Rude.
MajorCarolDanvers · 03/01/2022 18:58

We all have the same surname and I like it.

I am not bothered about what other people do or why. Each to their own.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/01/2022 18:59

@colourfulpuddles

So an unmarried couple who share a home, finances and make shared decisions and have a child aren’t family?

Nope. They haven’t committed to each other. They’re just housemates who share a child.

What utter nonsense.

When DH and I married, we were a couple. We were family of course but a bit of legal paperwork and I could walk away forever.

Then we had kids. Those are the things that entwined our lives together. If we divorce tomorrow there's still three kids to care for, weddings, graduations, grand kids. I can't ever be fully free. That's commitment+

Its actually really sad for you that you think a piece of paper and some words mean more than the daily actions of raising children together.

Siuan · 03/01/2022 18:59

My DC are 23 and 25.
I planned for daughters to take my name and sons DHs. I had 2 boys.
It was such a PITA I considered changing my name at one point.
When they were little the DC hated the fact that my name was different.
"Mum, everyone thinks we come from a broken home" Their phrase not mine. People assumed I was a step parent. No idea why, it was just less common for married women to keep their name in the 90s.
Travel and passports were never the slightest problem. Just nursery and school staff. I'm sure it's better now.