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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some people think that they have to same surname as their child?

230 replies

SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 17:37

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
SickAndTiredAgain · 03/01/2022 19:36

@SalonSharon

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

Do your children have their father’s surname? Presumably that was a decision you made - was it important to him? What were his reasons?

I don’t really have specific reasons, I just like it. I don’t feel like it matters loads, and don’t think it particularly makes things easier, as lots of families have different surnames within them now.

EatDrinkEatDrink · 03/01/2022 19:37

I hung onto my name for a few years after getting married but once our children started school I realised I didn't want people to assume we weren't married or if we travel somewhere i'm not our children's mother. For a while I used Dr original surname at work and Mrs married name at home but it just got confusing, so I eventually (recently) changed everything to my married name. If we hadn't had children I would have kept my own name.

PurpleFlower1983 · 03/01/2022 19:40

It’s about unity and belonging for me. I would hate my children to have a different surname to me or for me to have had a different surname to one of my parents growing up.

Ugzbugz · 03/01/2022 19:50

Because I always get stopped at the custom controls and forced to show a birth certificate yet I could change my surname to his and flee the UK.

His dad and step mum have the same name and there is me who does it all with a surname of someone I want dead anyway.

I've been quizzed at hospitals etc to.
I didn't want my son to have my surname anyway but then me and his dad separated and its an outdated load of shit, kids should have their dad's name.

I will be changing my surname anyway.

TheCatWearsPrada · 03/01/2022 19:50

My children have a different name and it's never been an issue
My sister divorced and kept her married name "for the children " so they still feel like family. That's just weird though
If you only feel like a family by having the same name you're doing something wrong somewhere

Glenthebattleostrich · 03/01/2022 19:51

It's our family name. Yes I changed my name after marriage but that was because DH is the last in his family and I have 3 siblings. I also quite like the name.

I did make it clear that DD would have my name if we weren't married when we had her (at the point we were discussing TTC) because I grew her and I would be the one who was primary carer.

Skeumorph · 03/01/2022 19:53

I think the question is more - why the fuck should a person who didn't go through the pregnancy, didn't give birth, probably hasn't stepped up to do the majority of childhood primary care and is vanishingly unlikely to be the one left with residency of the child in a family split, be the one whose family name is used as the surname identifier for ANY child?!

stuntbubbles · 03/01/2022 19:54

We’ve all got different names – DC have their own, rather than mine or DP’s. Don’t really ever think about it and certainly don’t feel any less her mother or less of a family unit for it.

TiredSloth · 03/01/2022 20:02

I have MASSIVE regrets to do with this.

I had a conversation with my dc father and told him that I would give them his surname on the proviso that we would one day get married and all share the same name. Obviously he said ‘yes definitely’ at the time but it never happened and we split several years later.

He now has a new fiancée who will share my children’s surname whilst I, their mother, don’t. I do the huge lion’s share of raising them and I don’t share their name but their new step mother will.

If only I could go back in time. It causes me huge amounts of pain.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 03/01/2022 20:05

I don’t think that I have to, I think that I want to. I didn’t think it would bother me but it did, so I changed it.

Ireolu · 03/01/2022 20:07

Pre covid when I flew with DC who has a different surname a copy of her birth certificate was all I needed. Married 8yrs have kept maiden name.

Rumplestrumpet · 03/01/2022 20:12

You're kinda missing the point OP. It's more that 99% of men care that their child has their surname (and are never challenged about it) and that women are just supposed to either change their name upon marriage, or accept their child won't have their name - it's the sexism I object to.

I wanted my child to have my family name because she's my family. DH felt the same. So we gave her both our names. We are a family and both answer to either name if necessary, but have our own names that we share with our parents, siblings etc.

Your question should surely be "why are so many men fixated on their children having the same surname?"

Rumplestrumpet · 03/01/2022 20:15

(or what @Skeumorph said!)

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 20:16

I guess for me it’s because my ex isn’t involved at all so it feels weird dd having a surname of a man neither she or me see at all, it’s also triggering being called Mrs “exes name” as people do as they assume it’s my name as well because I’m her mum, it’s triggering because he was abusive. Luckily the names are double barrelled so I managed to tell everyone to just call her under my name only which places have been ok with.

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 20:18

To add I cannot change it without his permission which he won’t give despite not seeing her.

user1471543683 · 03/01/2022 20:18

My children have their Dad's surname and I really can't get that worked up about it. I actually prefer his name to my name. I am however glad I didn't get married and I've kept my own surname as I lost my DF a couple of years ago and it feels like a link to him.

LifeGaveMeLemons · 03/01/2022 20:19

my Adult DC have my lastname - not my exH's. Yes we were married, we just decided that girls would have my name and boys his. We never had any boys. Not an issue. His family were more concerned about boys carrying on the family name anyway 😏

roarfeckingroarr · 03/01/2022 20:19

This is why my son has my name not his dad's, it means a lot to me

Lucycantdance · 03/01/2022 20:19

@theremustonlybeone I don’t get why it’s funny? It’s a conscious decision made between us and not an automatic grant based on DH having a penis. Has this touched a nerve for you?

JustLyra · 03/01/2022 20:21

Because I always get stopped at the custom controls and forced to show a birth certificate yet I could change my surname to his and flee the UK.

That’s not remotely the sole reason you get stopped. Vast amounts of people all over the world travel with different names to their kids for cultural reasons.

It’s just an assumption that you wouldn’t get stopped if your child had the same name.

I’ve been stopped more with the children that share my name than the ones that don’t. More people get stopped and asked when they’re travelling alone with children now as security is better at trying to prevent parental abduction than previously.

Puppyseahorse · 03/01/2022 20:22

@Skeumorph

I think the question is more - why the fuck should a person who didn't go through the pregnancy, didn't give birth, probably hasn't stepped up to do the majority of childhood primary care and is vanishingly unlikely to be the one left with residency of the child in a family split, be the one whose family name is used as the surname identifier for ANY child?!
Exactly this.

If your children have your husband’s name, why not ask him why it mattered to him?

Alternatively- why did ‘tradition’ matter to you?

NamiSwan · 03/01/2022 20:34

@colourfulpuddles

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

This is actually a ridiculous thing to say though, you do realise?!

Me and my husband are not just "two people who share a child" 😆😆😆 we most certainly are a family unit.

I am married. I didn't take my husband's name. My kids have his name. Their name is X, my name is Y, we refer to ourselves as the XY family, even though I'm the only Y..it's not that hard. We're still a family unit. A shared name doesn't make a family. Shared experiences make a family, living together and growing together make a family.

Maybe it's just that I don't share my surname with any of my siblings (for various complicated reasons), or my mum (who remarried when I was a young child), so for me it wasnt a big deal to share a name with my children. I grew them each for 9 moands and still have the scars. Shared name or not, nothing can take away from me that I am their mother!

Ileflottante · 03/01/2022 20:39

When I was growing up, there were class and social standing connotations regarding having different surnames. That mindset has probably not entirely died out.

FortniteBoysMum · 03/01/2022 20:45

To me it was because my eldest has mine as had split from his father before knew I was pregnant. Then with ds2 my partner wanted him in his name only. I was adamant of using mine because its a link to his sibling. We ended up doubling it but dp even now almost 12 years on still complains how he should only have his name. My answer is had we got married we would all have his but his chosen not to so he can live with it. Why should myself and ds1 not share our name with ds2. If the relationship breaks down it will be me raising him full time.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 03/01/2022 20:47

I know it’s always asked but I’ve never seen it answered:

If you double barrel, what happens when your children want to double barrel for the same reasons? Triple barrelling? How does it continue? It seems very short sighted and inconvenient for everyone down the line