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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some people think that they have to same surname as their child?

230 replies

SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 17:37

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
Hapoydayz · 03/01/2022 17:51

Men always seem to be determined that a child has his surname and on here women often seem to hate their surnames but their partners ones are always better.

sashagabadon · 03/01/2022 17:52

It’s easier. You might get stopped at passport control for starters. I’ve always carried letters from their dad but actually never been asked to show them but once at French passport control my children were taken to one side and asked if I was their mother. They were older maybe 12 and 9.
I don’t mind as it is to prevent child trafficking but if you can avoid this hassle why not.

iloveredpandas · 03/01/2022 17:53

Why wouldn't you have the same surname?

I certainly wouldn't be happy with the kids being names after their dad if I didn't have that name - why should he take the credit?

SwimmingIntoMotherhood · 03/01/2022 17:53

Unfortunately some women on MN see it as a weird power play

Often see it mentioned to pregnant posters who have had a minor argument with their partner for leaving the toilet seat up to not give the baby his last name

TueWed · 03/01/2022 17:55

I like having the same name as my children, I feel for me it denotes my family unit.

I dont care about other people and how they name each other. All have a different name or the same one, makes no odds to me.

DeepaBeesKit · 03/01/2022 17:55

It is party of our identity. We are the Beeskit family, the Beeskits. The kids like that. DS has a friend who has become aware at school that she has a different surname to her mum and doesnt like it.

WindyState · 03/01/2022 17:56

It's not that difficult to understand, surely?

Families have strong emotional bonds. Sharing a name is very much part of that for a lot of people.

And practically speaking having a different surname to your kids can cause problems.

AliveAndSleeping · 03/01/2022 17:57

I don't have the same surname as my kids. In the country I'm from women usually don't take on their husband's surname when they get married. It seems like a British custom to me and feels rather archaic (Having said that my kids have their father's surname. I don't mind at all but can't claim I'm a warrior for equality in this regard).

Anyway, I've never encountered any practical problems. Also, Dh, DD and I, we all know we are part of the same family. We don't need to have the same surname to remind us of that fact

comfortablyfrumpy · 03/01/2022 17:58

No idea
It has honestly never caused me any problems, and my eldest is an adult now.
With hindsight, however, selfishly I do wish they had my surname.

HariboBrenshnio · 03/01/2022 17:59

I'm separated but I'm keeping my married surname because it's the same as my kids. I don't know why - but it just feels right to share that name with them. It's part of our shared identity but I totally get how for others it isn't as big of a deal, and if my ex had been abusive I can see how i might have wanted to be rid of his name.

toddybell · 03/01/2022 18:00

I'm from a culture where women keep their own names and so the children always have different surnames to their mothers. Didn't do me/us any harm. I was quite surprised when I got married and I was constantly questioned why I wasn't changing my name to match my husbands and that of any future children we'd have.

MindyStClaire · 03/01/2022 18:01

For me, your surname is your family name and so it's important to me that we all share it.

That's just my view though, zero judgement of people who choose otherwise.

Kanaloa · 03/01/2022 18:01

Unless you’ve chosen a random surname for your child then I assume your partner feels as strongly as those mumsnetters.

If nobody felt like that then some names would just die out. I mean who would be calling their child ‘Jones’ when they could call them ‘Valentine.’

Theluggage15 · 03/01/2022 18:02

You don’t understand? Really? It’s been part of British culture for quite a few centuries and denotes a family unit.

helpfulperson · 03/01/2022 18:02

Because its a family name. If it doesn't matter why bother having a surname at all. Why not just have a single name. We could use more uncommon names to reduce confusion.

SoyMarina · 03/01/2022 18:02

Agree with AliveAndSleeping.
I have been married for 30 years and have 4 adult children.
We never had a problem when travelling by air due to me having a different surname.
And as for feeling less of a family due to me having a different name, how utterly ridiculous!
It takes a heck of a lit more than all having the same surname to make a strong, secure family unit!

VioletWillow · 03/01/2022 18:03

It gets really hard when you have different names. I flew back into the UK and really tangled with customs; my name was of Irish origin, my daughter's was German and my son's was of Arabic origin. I had to produce two different letters from the dads even though they both lived in the UK at the time. I'm married and taken the German name now: if I divorced I would probably keep it for the convenience anyway.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 18:03

@Cakecakecheese

Can't it make things a bit awkward if you're going abroad with the child without the parent who has their surname?
Nope
theremustonlybeone · 03/01/2022 18:04

Whose family name are we talking about? I am laughing here at folks saying its important as we are a family unit. Why have your DC not got your name and your DP/DH not taken on yours?

There is no reason for a woman to have a different name as the child she birthed

Schlerp · 03/01/2022 18:04

My kids have my partners surname but I made sure my surname was one of their middle names. Even if we were married I’d keep my surname. It’s who I am.

Theluggage15 · 03/01/2022 18:05

Why should children take on mother’s or father’s surname if it doesn’t matter? Just give them a different surname.

LeQuern · 03/01/2022 18:05

I don’t have the same name as my mother nor my step father (who had been my ‘dad’ since I was 8). I’ve got the same as my birth father - who I’ve not seen since I was 7.

My bond is very much to my mum and dad - my name has nothing to do with it. Names are just names - naff all to do with bonding.

georgarina · 03/01/2022 18:06

My DC have my name.

It makes me feel like we're a family unit, and reflects the fact that I'm the resident parent.

One of exDP's family members told me exDP was 'generous' to allow it. When all he does is visit once a week. That was hilarious

pinkyredrose · 03/01/2022 18:07

I didn't want DH and the DC to all have the same surname and my surname to be the odd one out. Especially as I did most of the work growing, birthing and raising the DCs! I like that having the same surname makes us a family unit

Why didn't you give your DC your name? Your DH could've changed his name 8f he felt left out.

LeQuern · 03/01/2022 18:08

because a family unit is special and unique

It’s really not. It’s exceptionally usual and everyday.