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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some people think that they have to same surname as their child?

230 replies

SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 17:37

I don’t have the same surname as my children and I’ve never had a problems with this.

Why is it so important to some Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
Gumboots29 · 03/01/2022 18:23

I’d have liked my kids to have my surname but my DH wanted them to have his more. It wasn’t a hill I was prepared to die on nor was I willing to change my name (double barrelling our names would have lead to a comedy surname!).

But I can completely see why people want their kids to have their name.

Curlyreine · 03/01/2022 18:23

@Katiepoes

You need a consent form flying out of the Netherlands if only one parent is travelling. I have been asked every single time for 12 years. My husband has too, and they have the same name, normal practice here, both at Schiphol and Eindhoven.

We keep a copy of the birth cert in her passport in case of questions about my name, hardly 'complicated'.

We need a consent form too.

I enjoy having the same name as everyone else in my family. My choice completely.

Katiepoes · 03/01/2022 18:23

Oh and btw we are most definitely a family and a 'unit'. My choice to keep my name does not change that. How offensive some of you can be.

bcc89 · 03/01/2022 18:24

@superram

It wasn’t important to me, until I was stopped every single time I left and entered the country without my husband. It became a hassle so I changed my surname. It’s fine though I still have my maiden name professionally.
Quite a lot of people on this thread would tell you that you should have no issues with travel!
helpfulperson · 03/01/2022 18:24

@Puffalicious so what is the purpose of a surname, why not have people called by a single name. It would avoid alot of angst.

ISpyCobraKai · 03/01/2022 18:25

It was a hill I was prepared to die on!

Simonjt · 03/01/2022 18:25

It depends on the individual family, for us a name is a vital part of identity, there is no way I would have a surname that wasn’t the same as my children while they’re children.

For many families a shared name is another sign if belonging and knowing that they will be your parent forever.

colourfulpuddles · 03/01/2022 18:25

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

Puffalicious · 03/01/2022 18:26

I feel like everyone sharing the same name shows I took the commitment seriously/upheld the traditional values I believe in and planned my babies carefully

Oh here we go Hmm. So you judge everyone you meet who doesn't have the same surname as being irresponsible and not being committed or serious, even if in their culture women don't change names?

I have not heard anything so narrow-minded, smug and middle-England Tory in quite some time. Is that you,Hyacinth?

Original poster
SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 18:27

I am from the UK

I think that name is just a word used to identify a person.

Perhaps what I’m really asking is why some people feel that the name is so important to make them feel like a unit.

OP posts:
MerryChristmas21 · 03/01/2022 18:28

@Dixiechickonhols

Makes travel easier. Tendency for school etc to refer to you by child’s surname. Family feel of belonging - the X family. I personally can’t understand why you’d choose for your child to have a different surname to you.
^this.
Caramellatteplease · 03/01/2022 18:28

You realise how important it is:

When you've been told off majorly, loudly and at great length by a belgium customs officer for having a copy of the child birth (given to you at point of registration) not a certified copy.

When you pick up the phone and someone (nhs) asks for Mrs DC's name and you have to go "no... are you looking for (guess which childs) mum, I'm Ms latteplease"

When the letters still say Mrs DC's name

When your DCs are desperate to lose their abusive father's surname, but can't because he wont let them.

When they hit 16 and are able to change it without his permission and you cant because it's too close to GCSEs/holiday etc to get a passport

IdontPracticeSanteria · 03/01/2022 18:28

Because its bizarre.

Why would a mother, who has given birth to her children, would deliberately go out of her way to give the child a different surname? Confused

Original poster
SalonSharon · 03/01/2022 18:29

@colourfulpuddles

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

So an unmarried couple who share a home, finances and make shared decisions and have a child aren’t family?
OP posts:
Puffalicious · 03/01/2022 18:29

@colourfulpuddles

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

Oh my God. Just...
OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/01/2022 18:30

Well it must have been important to you child's father as you changed it to his. The default is for the child to have the mothers name when the child is born.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 03/01/2022 18:31

My children have my surname.
I was 19 when I had DD1 and wasn't planning on getting married and forever with one person seemed a big commitment so she got my name.
DD2 came 4 years later and I also gave her my surname.
It turns out that we did stay together forever but I don't regret using my name as I've still never wanted to marry 😃

Puffalicious · 03/01/2022 18:31

I need to step away before I get too annoyed. Sometimes I despair at women's attitudes, it's like I grew up in a totally different era, a different society. I'm 50, not 20 too.

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/01/2022 18:32

@colourfulpuddles

If you are not married to your child’s father and/or you don’t share the same name, you are not a family unit. You are two people who happen to share a child.

I wouldn’t stand for that and I don’t know why anyone does.

Hahaha OK then.
colourfulpuddles · 03/01/2022 18:32

So an unmarried couple who share a home, finances and make shared decisions and have a child aren’t family?

Nope. They haven’t committed to each other. They’re just housemates who share a child.

clarrylove · 03/01/2022 18:32

Makes it easier to trace the family tree!

Puffalicious · 03/01/2022 18:33

@colourfulpuddles

So an unmarried couple who share a home, finances and make shared decisions and have a child aren’t family?

Nope. They haven’t committed to each other. They’re just housemates who share a child.

Seriously? Fuck off. Don't care if I'm deleted. How fucking rude and offensive.
Blush21 · 03/01/2022 18:34

Think there’s still a bit of stigma with single parents etc. growing up my mother kept her married name to avoid us having awkward or upsetting conversations with others and also just made life a bit easier

bcc89 · 03/01/2022 18:35

Even if you're unmarried and live together and super committed, I don't understand why people are giving their babies the dad's surname though? Why wouldn't the baby have yours?

There's no world in which I wouldn't just automatically give the daughter my surname, to match me. Her mum.

bonetiredwithtwins · 03/01/2022 18:36

I actually agree to a certain extent with previous poster. Having the same name to me is symbolic of being a family unit. That's not to say that if you don't you aren't a family but to me it was important