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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner will not marry and I want to change my name

157 replies

DayToNight · 03/01/2022 12:53

I was given my Dad's name at birth however he and my DM split up shortly after I was born as he was abusive. My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced. My mum remarried and now has a different surname. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a DS together. He has never been interested in getting married and out DS has his surname. AIBU to change my name? I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

OP posts:
midmodmad · 03/01/2022 12:56

Would you not like to have the same surname as your son, regardless of whether it is your DP surname?

ThymeTravel · 03/01/2022 12:58

I absolutely do not think YABU to change your name.

It's your name, you can do as you please 🙂 I would make it something really posh if it were me 😉

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:01

@midmodmad

Would you not like to have the same surname as your son, regardless of whether it is your DP surname?
Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them. Pick something you like OP
PrincessNutella · 03/01/2022 13:06

You should not have bothered to give your child the surname of this useless man.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 03/01/2022 13:09

Change your name to your son's but be aware that it won't give you the rights and protections of being a wife. A name is meaningless in regards to family links to your partner.

MelonTits · 03/01/2022 13:11

History has shown you (sadly) that having the same name does not imbue love, care or support or strong links. Change it to anything you want, and I’d recommend changing your DS’ name to match, or at least adding it.

phishy · 03/01/2022 13:12

Change it to anything you want, and I’d recommend changing your DS’ name to match, or at least adding it.

I agree with this. Change to your real dad’s name.

drpet49 · 03/01/2022 13:13

@PrincessNutella so a man is useless because he doesn’t want to get married? Hmm What a stupid comment.

Onlyrainbows · 03/01/2022 13:13

Change it! Of I were you I'd change it to the surname of someone I admire.

Flatwhitetostayin · 03/01/2022 13:13

You are absolutely not unreasonable to change your name. These people have failed you terribly and you have had no choice in taking their names. I have my father's last name. I considered dropping it at one point and just having my first two given names as I was NC before his death. I decided it would be too much of a ball ache in the end but would that work for you? I am not married and my children have their dads surname. Their dad has a nice family so I was happy for that. But I have no issues with not sharing the same last name as them as I chose at least one of their given names each. But unless you feel there is a really good chance you will stay with your child's father, you might want to choose a name for you. Then if things don't work out, you won't be left with another name that you don't feel represents you.x

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:14

@PrincessNutella

You should not have bothered to give your child the surname of this useless man.
Why is he useless? I’m not married to the father of my 3 children....it doesn’t make him useless🤷
phishy · 03/01/2022 13:14

@drpet49 if he won’t marry OP then their son should have her name.

DynamiteFilledRadish · 03/01/2022 13:15

I get why you want to change your name. I'd change it to something completely different though. Don't see why you'd want to take the same name as your partner.

Flatwhitetostayin · 03/01/2022 13:15

@Onlyrainbows

Change it! Of I were you I'd change it to the surname of someone I admire.
Absolutely this. I think that's an amazing idea.
Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:15

[quote phishy]@drpet49 if he won’t marry OP then their son should have her name.[/quote]
Why🙄

Notwithittoday · 03/01/2022 13:16

Not keen on men that don’t want to get married. Sounds like you’re used to being undervalued in life and it’s going on with your partner. Think changing your name is the least of your worries.

Mudflaps · 03/01/2022 13:19

@PrincessNutella

You should not have bothered to give your child the surname of this useless man.
What makes him useless? Not wanting marriage certainly doesn't and the op hasn't given any background on their relationship so you have little to judge it upon. Lots of men and women have no interest in marriage, this does not make them useless.
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 13:19

@Kitkat151 “Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them.”

All three of your children have their father’s last name, presumably you understood his reasons for wanting that? Did you have a conversation about it or did you just default to the man’s last name?

phishy · 03/01/2022 13:20

@Kitkat151

Why🙄

Why should he?

RedCandyApple · 03/01/2022 13:21

She can’t change her sons name unless her partner agrees to it, given they are together I’m going to take a wild guess and say he is on the bc so she needs his permission which I very much doubt he will give.

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:22

[quote MeSanniesareBrannies]@Kitkat151 “Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them.”

All three of your children have their father’s last name, presumably you understood his reasons for wanting that? Did you have a conversation about it or did you just default to the man’s last name?[/quote]
Yes we did have a conversation about it....It was me that wanted them all to have his last name ....he wasnt bothered either way.....he had no PR for any of them so I just wanted him to have his name

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:24

[quote phishy]@Kitkat151

Why🙄

Why should he?[/quote]
I don’t think there’s any should or shouldn’t....it’s about what both parents want....that was my experience anyway

HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/01/2022 13:25

Personally I wouldn't change my name to a completely separate new name. I'd also want the same surname as my child. Would your partner consider double barrelling his name with yours, and change your child's name at the same time?

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 13:27

@Kitkat151 But, why? If you think ‘I just want them to’ isn’t reason enough for a woman to want her kids to have her name, then clearly ‘I just wanted them to’ isn’t reason enough for them to have the man’s name.

So, what was your reason?

DropYourSword · 03/01/2022 13:27

@DynamiteFilledRadish

I get why you want to change your name. I'd change it to something completely different though. Don't see why you'd want to take the same name as your partner.
I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

It’s right there in the OP that she’s not planning on taking the same name as her partner!