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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner will not marry and I want to change my name

157 replies

DayToNight · 03/01/2022 12:53

I was given my Dad's name at birth however he and my DM split up shortly after I was born as he was abusive. My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced. My mum remarried and now has a different surname. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a DS together. He has never been interested in getting married and out DS has his surname. AIBU to change my name? I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

OP posts:
Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 15:00

I changed my name some 28 years ago.
Every time my mum got a new boyfriend I got a new name and when I met my partner I assumed it would be a natural thing we would get married and have children- when it became apparent he wasn’t going to marry me, by then we had 3 children all of who had his surname and I’d been using that name for as long as they’d been born, my partners elderly father took matters into his own hands and declared very forcefully that as his son had no morals whatsoever and that as the closest thing to a daughter he’d ever had HE was giving me his name and therefore he would be paying for all documents to lawfully change my name and that I was not having the name as his sons wife I was having the name as a full member of his family and would in his mind be his daughter !!!
Anyway, changed my name it’s a mouthful of a surname that everyone always says pardon to and I have to spell out - the partner became a very unpleasant ex after 20 years and now I have an extremely lovely partner who equally I suspect will never marry me (sadly as I dream of that day) I wouldn’t change my name by deedpoll unless I was married and even then would keep my former gifted surname too.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 15:01

It may make zero difference to you, it mattered to me. They should always take details of next of kin for health appointments or at least check. Personally I wanted that to be as straightforward as possible. Similarly if God forbid something happened to your child at school or on a trip and the school office had wrongly assumed you were Mrs child's name and given those details to a third party it could cause a huge problem. So at school you have the choice of just going along with the default Mrs Child's name (incorrect and I would argue potentially dangerous) or correcting them potentially multiple times. It's a hassle, no not the end of world but a pain.

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/01/2022 15:02

I have a different name to my kids. Its never been as issue.
I like having my dads name though as I love my dad.
I think its a nice idea to change it from a name of someone who abused you to a name of your choice. Choose something lovely.
You could also consider using you children's surname first if your child might question why you changed it but not to their name.
So
First name - children's surname - your choice surname.
Just use the your choice as your surname and keep the kids name as a middle name so you have a link to their name in there.

theflippantpenguin · 03/01/2022 15:04

now I have an extremely lovely partner who equally I suspect will never marry me (sadly as I dream of that day)

If you dream of it, why not ask him to marry you? Don't leave it to chance!

Stripyhoglets1 · 03/01/2022 15:05

I gave my children their dads name as we were married and its an easier name to have than mine which is complicated to spell.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 15:06

I agree though the financial/legal protections of marriage are far more important than a name and you can of course get married and keep your name.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 15:08

Every time my mum got a new boyfriend I got a new name

That is shit, I can see why you wouldn't have any attachment to your name under those circumstances.

Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 15:11

theflippantpenguin

now I have an extremely lovely partner who equally I suspect will never marry me (sadly as I dream of that day)

Extremely weird story here, he is still married to a very lovely lady although they’ve been seperated for a very long time,he is older than me and it’s just not going to happen I’m quite sure.

It’s a shame really that I meet the most lovely man, who practically sorted my life out along with my son, who has taken my youngest son on almost as his own (sons 21 now but he was there through exams and college and things) and he is totally awesome (has faults obvs but liveable 😂) and yet I’ll never get my happy ever after wedding.
I just think to myself I’m happy I can’t push for perfect.

madisonbridges · 03/01/2022 15:12

Just pick a nice nane and do it. If I were going to change my name, I'd change it to De Winter.

Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 15:14

Neurodiversitydoctor

Every time my mum got a new boyfriend I got a new name

It was, all my records dating back are a total shambles to the point of at least 5 different surnames- I trained as a nursery nurse so had to complete many police checks so filling in the forms with previous names was a nightmare !!!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 15:15

15:11Notmrsfitz

Just be aware if he dies intestate (or even with a will) his lawful wife will have a legitimate claim on his estate. My MIL has just cashed in a life insurance policy for her first husband who died last year, they had been divorced 40 years.

TueWed · 03/01/2022 15:15

I like having the same name as my DC - I made them, they get my name.

However, I am married, and have same name as DH - but if I wasnt married, they would still be having the same name as me

You call your DC what you want

ZoeCM · 03/01/2022 15:18

I don't understand the mn obsession with kids having the sane surname as they. It doesn't make you less their mother because they have a different surname.

But surely a man isn't any less a father if his kids don't have his name? Yet, by amazing coincidence, children are generally given their father's name even if it's different from their mother's...

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 15:19

@refraction

Without marriage you have no next of kin rights to your partner and vice versa if he/you are hospitalised, funeral arrangements, Power of Attorney,

The hospital just asked me as I checked in who I wanted as a next of kin. Can also write a will too. Don't have to go for the government marriage bollocks.

Sorry @refraction but those can be contested by actual family members and have been in many cases. So it's not bollocks at all, it is factual reality.
hardboiledeggs · 03/01/2022 15:20

Change it by deedpoll.

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 15:21

Also @refraction If it's an emergency and neither partner has had time to put down Next Of Kin (putting aside the fact that NOK can be contested if it's only a live-in unmarried relationship), if hospital records show their family, they will automatically call them (ie mother, father, sibling) and not the live in boyfriend/girlfriend.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/01/2022 15:23

Why hasn't their father got parental responsibility for his own children?

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 15:24

@Notmrsfitz Why didn't you say upfront with your new partner that you want to be married in the future? And why can you not propose to him? You never know, he may say yes. Women can propose too, so who knows, you may have a great 2022!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 15:24

Also@refractionIf it's an emergency and neither partner has had time to put down Next Of Kin (putting aside the fact that NOK can be contested if it's only a live-in unmarried relationship), if hospital records show their family, they will automatically call them (ie mother, father, sibling) and not the live in boyfriend/girlfriend

As shown so well in channel 4's It's a Sin. Why do you think same sex partners wanted to be able to marry ?

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 15:29

@Notmrsfitz Then you need to push for him to get a divorce. Sitting back wishing and hoping won't get you anywhere. You can have your perfect day, believe me, you can! But you need to tell him and fight for it. He's not a mindreader. You need to tell him what you want. Spell it out to him, sometimes men simply don't read us. Has he said why he won't? Tell him you want to marry him so you need him to get a divorce, lol.

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 15:30

[quote Neurodiversitydoctor]Also@refractionIf it's an emergency and neither partner has had time to put down Next Of Kin (putting aside the fact that NOK can be contested if it's only a live-in unmarried relationship), if hospital records show their family, they will automatically call them (ie mother, father, sibling) and not the live in boyfriend/girlfriend

As shown so well in channel 4's It's a Sin. Why do you think same sex partners wanted to be able to marry ?[/quote]
Exactly. If marriage didn't provide legal protections, same sex people wouldn't have been pushing for it. There is a reason marriage exists and has legal protections that just cohabiting doesn't.

me4real · 03/01/2022 15:45

@DayToNight I changed my name and enjoyed doing it. Change it to whatever you want. As a PP said, you can always have your kids use your new name and their old one double barreled, so they still keep their current name, too.

CambsAlways · 03/01/2022 15:46

🤣🤣🤣 So a man is useless simply cos he doesn’t feel the need to get married that’s just classic,
What an old fashioned attitude, we didn’t feel the need to get married for over 20 years, we did in the end and have been married many years now, change your name to what you want Op

me4real · 03/01/2022 15:47

I'm down as my ex-partner/best friend's next of kin. People can nominate anyone. It is noted on the system, so I would be who they call. You don't have to be married to do it.

BurscoughBooths · 03/01/2022 15:51

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them.

Umm off the top of my head

  1. School easier if all family members have the same name
  2. Health appointments ditto
  3. Foreign travel I have been questioned at customs as the name on my passport wasn't the same as the DCs.

But as long as you don't use education or healthcare and don't want to take your DCs on holiday, no problem.

I have a different surname to my children. It has never been an issue with school, healthcare appointments or travel