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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner will not marry and I want to change my name

157 replies

DayToNight · 03/01/2022 12:53

I was given my Dad's name at birth however he and my DM split up shortly after I was born as he was abusive. My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced. My mum remarried and now has a different surname. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a DS together. He has never been interested in getting married and out DS has his surname. AIBU to change my name? I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

OP posts:
Deadringer · 03/01/2022 13:51

What about your mum's maiden name?

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 13:51

@JeffThePilot

Why on Earth would OP want her children to share the surname of a man who abused her who isn’t even related to them? I can completely see why, in this case, she’d give the children their father’s surname.

OP I would absolutely change your surname in these circumstances. Something that fits you and means something to you.

Where does it say he abused her??
Original poster
DayToNight · 03/01/2022 13:52

@Deadringer

What about your mum's maiden name?
That's a really nice idea. Thank you
OP posts:
Original poster
DayToNight · 03/01/2022 13:53

@Rockbird

I would absolutely change my name to one of my choice if I were you. I wouldn't change a child's name but I would insert my new name into it so I'd be Rock Bird and my child would be John Bird Smith. Still his father's name but a link with your new name too.
I love this idea too. We're expecting DC2 this year and it would be nice to have it in their name. Thank you.
OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 13:56

@Kitkat151 As you doubtless consider everyone who is smarter than you to be a smartarse, yes there probably is one on every thread.

You’ve stated in this thread that ‘it’s up to what the couple wants’, but that you don’t understand why a woman would like her child to have her last name, but that you do understand giving the child the man’s last name and actively wanted it in your family’s case.

That is pretty irrational and a level of internalised misogyny that it’s unlikely will be touched by anything I say. So, good luck.

Also: www.thepunctuationguide.com/ellipses.html

WeatherwaxOn · 03/01/2022 13:56

@midmodmad

Would you not like to have the same surname as your son, regardless of whether it is your DP surname?
Why? It doesn't matter what surnames people have, and having the same surname as family in the past hasn't worked out well for OP. I say change it to whatever you like.. You could change your DSs surname to the same as yours if you wanted (although this would require your partners consent).
refraction · 03/01/2022 13:57

@Loveisthere

Oh yes op absolutely change it, you can do it by filling in a form at the Magistrates court and swearing an oath. Sorry I dont have an idea how much it costs but it will be cheaper than going to a Solicitor.
I changed my name by deed poll for £10

People do seem to put so much on the government law of marriage. Where is the love? It may protect a SAHM but not so much these days with clean break divorce. Everything else can be changed without marriage. Some people are bent on it.

Original poster
DayToNight · 03/01/2022 13:57

Thanks for all of your replies. I didn't realise how controversial this might be.

I'm torn between my mothers maiden name - although we don't particularly get on well either, and generating something specific for me.

My DP has never wanted to get married - I'm not bothered either way and didn't think he would change his mind. DM was married and divorced three times. Other than removing my surname, marriage wouldn't mean anything more to me.

OP posts:
Mamabear12 · 03/01/2022 13:58

Perhaps change it to your mothers maiden name? Or if you have a middle name go with that? Or make up your own last name :) When I got married, I changed my last name, however I sometimes wonder why...mainly to be the same as my kids. But I still feel like my maiden last name and not like my husbands....we are still together 10 years on 3 kids and a dog later and are happy....but I did always kind of regret changing my last name...plus the hassle w the passports, banks, documents etc.

Aprilx · 03/01/2022 14:02

it was me that wanted them all to have his last name

So you had a desire for your children to have a man’s last name but a few posts earlier you said you can think of no scenario in which you would your children to have the same last name as yourself. How odd.

DynamiteFilledRadish · 03/01/2022 14:04

@Wizzbangfizz

I don't understand why women give their children a different name than their own and give them their partners - why? If men desperately want that they should get married. At the very least double barrel.
I don't understand it either. Just, why?!
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 14:06

@Aprilx

it was me that wanted them all to have his last name

So you had a desire for your children to have a man’s last name but a few posts earlier you said you can think of no scenario in which you would your children to have the same last name as yourself. How odd.

Yup. I’m glad the strangeness of this is apparent to others as she’s apparently not getting it.
JeffThePilot · 03/01/2022 14:07

@Kitkat151 it says very clearly in the OP: My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced

goodwinter · 03/01/2022 14:07

@phishy

Change it to anything you want, and I’d recommend changing your DS’ name to match, or at least adding it.

I agree with this. Change to your real dad’s name.

Her abusive father? Why?
PartyPrawnRingGames · 03/01/2022 14:08

I think it's quite nice to change your name to something that represents you. I wouldn't change it to your mother's maiden name. Make it a statement about becoming more confident in who you are.

JeffThePilot · 03/01/2022 14:10

@Rockbird

I would absolutely change my name to one of my choice if I were you. I wouldn't change a child's name but I would insert my new name into it so I'd be Rock Bird and my child would be John Bird Smith. Still his father's name but a link with your new name too.
I think this is a really nice idea and it’s what I’d do too. It incorporates your own, chosen, name into the family name so your children share the name that has meaning to you.
Neurodiversitydoctor · 03/01/2022 14:12

Why? Genuine question.... I don’t have the same surname as any of my 3 children.....can’t think of any situation why I would ‘like’ to have the same name as them.

Umm off the top of my head

  1. School easier if all family members have the same name
  2. Health appointments ditto
  3. Foreign travel I have been questioned at customs as the name on my passport wasn't the same as the DCs.

But as long as you don't use education or healthcare and don't want to take your DCs on holiday, no problem.

backtolifebacktoreality · 03/01/2022 14:14

If your DP doesn't want to get married then pick a surname of your choice!

ToastieSnowy · 03/01/2022 14:14

I like your idea of choosing your own name as it’s yours with no baggage. No reason why DC2 couldn’t have your new name as the surname so you both have one each.

As an aside, make sure you are financially secure with money in your name, house as joint asset, and contribute to your own pension as you’re not married. There’s too many threads on here where the woman gives up her career to look after their children then the partner decides to up and off and she’s stuffed. I’m sure you have a fantastic relationship but things can change, think of it as a contingency plan.

Torturedsoul · 03/01/2022 14:16

@Kitkat151, I'm a little confused by your post so would you mind explaining something as I may have misunderstood something. I have Covid brain fog which isn't helping!! You say your partner would never have PR but I thought that by a dad being on the birth certificate, this is them having PR. Or is he not on the birth certificate and you have given the children his surname by deedpoll?

phishy · 03/01/2022 14:23

@goodwinter missed that! I agree with a pp, maybe her mum’s name then?

BerthaBlythe · 03/01/2022 14:24

Is it hard to change name in the UK? I’m in Ireland where you can legally call yourself anything you want as long as it’s not for fraudulent reasons, and you’re already entitled to use your mother’s maiden name.

Obviously it gets a little more tedious if you want your name changed everywhere. I’m still myself at the gp and bank, but dc’s surname at school and in their health records.

I think it’s a lovely idea to change your name OP, and claim an identity of your own. My first thought was that I’d take my lovely grandma’s name if I was in that situation.

vivainsomnia · 03/01/2022 14:26

I don't understand the mn obsession with kids having the sane surname as they. It doesn't make you less their mother because they have a different surname.

My mum changed my surname to hers when my parents divorced and I hated it because it never felt my name. I was never about my mum or dad's name, just mine and mine was the one I had for 4 years until my mum wanted to change it. I changed it back to my dad's name when I turned 18 and it has remained my surname even after my marriage.

My kids have their dad's surname. It's never ever caused me an issue despite being a single mum from when they were little. I don't see as their dad's name but theirs. They have no contact with their dad now but have never mentioned changing their surname because ...it's their surname, the bane they associate with their own identity.

mumshouse · 03/01/2022 14:26

You shouldn't have given your DS his last name, but it's too late now.

Pick out a last name you love. And give it to your next child. When he challenges this, he definitely will, point out that there will always be a conversation over their names because they're not all the same. "Why do your children have a different last name" takes the same amount of time to explain as "Why don't you have the same last name as your children".

DynamiteFilledRadish · 03/01/2022 14:27

Umm off the top of my head
1) School easier if all family members have the same name
2) Health appointments ditto

Really? What kind of issues do you run into if your kid has a different surname?