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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner will not marry and I want to change my name

157 replies

DayToNight · 03/01/2022 12:53

I was given my Dad's name at birth however he and my DM split up shortly after I was born as he was abusive. My DM remarried when I was 7 and changed my surname to match theirs. Stepdad was abusive to me and my mum found out when I was 16 and they divorced. My mum remarried and now has a different surname. I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have a DS together. He has never been interested in getting married and out DS has his surname. AIBU to change my name? I'm inclined to change it to a name of my choice rather than DPs name

OP posts:
ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 15:52

@me4real

I'm down as my ex-partner/best friend's next of kin. People can nominate anyone. It is noted on the system, so I would be who they call. You don't have to be married to do it.
@me4real But A) You need to think to do it, it's not automatic like it is with marriage and B) his family can challenge it (and win, many have won, this was shown during same sex marriage discussion - if you are not legally married, parents can come in and claim NOK and kick partner out of hospital/funeral arrangements) and can win.

Marriage gives automatic legal protections whereas cohabiting means you have to go through a bit of rigmarole and even then can be challenged by a vengeful parent/sibling.

mam0918 · 03/01/2022 15:55

@midmodmad

Would you not like to have the same surname as your son, regardless of whether it is your DP surname?
I don't have the same surname as my kids.

My mam doesn't have the same surname as me or my sibling (we have different surnames from each other too).

Many of my friends don't have the same surnames as their kids either.

Why do people seem to think surnames need to match, they mean literally NOTHING.

I always hear stupid things like you have to have matching names to prove you are the mother etc... for things like doctors, schools and holidays and it's utter bollocks.

No doctor, no teacher, no passport control or anyone else has ever insinuated for even one second in the last 14 years that I'm not my kid's mother because our names don't match and I have never had to prove anything.

Doggymama123 · 03/01/2022 16:03

I get you OP.

When I was a kid my mum had a different surname to me due to getting remarried and the teachers or kids would always be like "who's Mrs xxxxx" and I hated it (shy quiet child)

I don't think me and my partner will ever get married due to the cost but if we have children I will defo change my name to his and we have discussed this many times

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 16:07

@Doggymama123 You can get married for £120. You don’t need to have a wedding.

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/01/2022 16:07

@Doggymama123

I get you OP.

When I was a kid my mum had a different surname to me due to getting remarried and the teachers or kids would always be like "who's Mrs xxxxx" and I hated it (shy quiet child)

I don't think me and my partner will ever get married due to the cost but if we have children I will defo change my name to his and we have discussed this many times

You can get married really cheaply in a registry office. Like 100 quid or something.
ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 16:09

@Doggymama123 It only costs a couple of hundred at a registry office. Nothing more. You don't need anything else. The 'cost' thing is bollocks, unless you truly can never in your life save up 250 pounds.

Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 16:09

@ClaudiaJ1 I just have to accept that this is ‘my lot’ - I think if he’s not gotten divorced in all this time he’s not going to do so now.
Without being self Indulgent and playing for sympathy or anything I’ve never been important to anyone and If this is as close as I get then I just have to accept my ‘worth’.

My life’s not dreadful because I’m not married, we live a nice life and I’m very happy in many ways it’s just there will always be a part of me that wants the whole thing.

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 16:11

@Doggymama123 Sorry, not even 250. Try a mere cheap £120. Cheapest thing you can do in your life to secure your legal protection. Not having it will costs you thousands if not a hundred thousand £s more. You probably spend on a fortnight's grocery shopping. It's nothing!

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 16:15

[quote Notmrsfitz]@ClaudiaJ1 I just have to accept that this is ‘my lot’ - I think if he’s not gotten divorced in all this time he’s not going to do so now.
Without being self Indulgent and playing for sympathy or anything I’ve never been important to anyone and If this is as close as I get then I just have to accept my ‘worth’.

My life’s not dreadful because I’m not married, we live a nice life and I’m very happy in many ways it’s just there will always be a part of me that wants the whole thing.[/quote]
No don't say that! @Notmrsfitz You don't have to accept that, you have to put your foot down, know your worth, and grab it with all your might. Because the regret of doing nothing when if you only tried you could have, will eat away at you for the rest of your life. Come on! You can do it. Ask him to marry you. He may say no, but equally, he may give you the best shock of your life and say yes. It's 50-50 chance. You really going to live with regret? It's 2022! Not the 1940s. Go for it girl!

CPL593H · 03/01/2022 16:19

@Notmrsfitz, if you do nothing else, make sure the financials are fair and that he knows that the "lovely" still wife is very likely to be the one who will be consulted if he's in a coma.

Mainly, take care of yourself. Flowers

Belladonna12 · 03/01/2022 16:44

@Neurodiversitydoctor

It may make zero difference to you, it mattered to me. They should always take details of next of kin for health appointments or at least check. Personally I wanted that to be as straightforward as possible. Similarly if God forbid something happened to your child at school or on a trip and the school office had wrongly assumed you were Mrs child's name and given those details to a third party it could cause a huge problem. So at school you have the choice of just going along with the default Mrs Child's name (incorrect and I would argue potentially dangerous) or correcting them potentially multiple times. It's a hassle, no not the end of world but a pain.
As you said they should check my name anyway if something happened to my child on a school trip as my name is next to the contact number. It wouldn't matter if they gave the wrong name to someone else anyway as if anyone phones and asks to speak to Mrs and adds my child's husbands/surname it's obvious who they want to speak to! How on earth could it lead to a "dangerous" situation!
Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 17:28

@CPL593H
Yes his finances are all in order and such like we don’t have any joint assets everything was his before he met me (he is quite a bit older than me) so none of it is mine.
He has adult professional children so any responsibility regards his health etc will be placed on them x
It probably sounds very odd to many on Mumsnet but given my background I’m kind of fortunate to have what I already have.

Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 17:30

@ClaudiaJ1 - I love your outlook !!
In a different world or life I might think differently too but I don’t want to be rejected so better I stay safe with what I have x

Doggymama123 · 03/01/2022 17:51

[quote ClaudiaJ1]@Doggymama123 Sorry, not even 250. Try a mere cheap £120. Cheapest thing you can do in your life to secure your legal protection. Not having it will costs you thousands if not a hundred thousand £s more. You probably spend on a fortnight's grocery shopping. It's nothing![/quote]
We have wills to protect ourselves and yes they cost more but I guess we also wouldn't wanna do it for a mere £120 just to say we've done it and "protect" ourselves- does that not defeat the object of marriage? If we were gonna do it we would want a lovely traditional day and that's what we don't want to afford

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 03/01/2022 18:00

Doggymama, why would it defeat the object of marriage?
Marriage is a legally binding contract. We dress it up with all the traditions but its very value is in its legal protections.

CPL593H · 03/01/2022 18:03

@Notmrsfitz if she is alive, it won't matter how many adult children he has, she is next of kin if they are still married.

Reading your posts has made me very sad, not least because I think you could well end up being his carer for a long time (he is older than you?) and eventually be left in a very difficult position when you are most vulnerable. That is a horrible situation which you don't deserve.

It would be easy to say that you should leave etc and maybe that is what most of us would do, but yes, it is easy to say. I can only ask that you try to look after your own interests and security because what you have sounds extremely precarious and could disappear overnight.

This is only my advice but I would try to save up what money you can in your own name, so if anything happens, you at least have a cushion.

CPL593H · 03/01/2022 18:08

@Doggymama123 I know I'm starting to sound like the voice of doom on this thread so please forgive me Flowers If you are ever in a situation where your partner is very ill and needs you to advocate for him (or vice versa) you would find that £120 is the best money you ever spent, before thinking of the financial stuff.

I didn't have a "traditional" wedding either time (my choice) but when my first husband was dying I had the status of wife, which meant that I could be with him and make sure he was cared for well at the end. Nothing else gives you the same automatic right. All this is grim stuff, but is more the reality of marriage than wedding veils and flowers.

Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 18:12

@CPL593H Thankyou for your honesty, I really do appreciate it and you’re only saying what my son has said and what I already know in my heart.
I do have a nice life compared to what I had and I shall feel very sad when it ends.
I do love my partner very much (how very Jackie magazine I speak 😂) and I have come to accept his children and ‘wife’have been around far longer than me xx

Thankyou for seeing it from my side x

itbemay1 · 03/01/2022 18:16

I can sort of understand why you'd like to have the same surname but I have a friend who did this, her partner didn't want to get married so she changed her name by deed poll to his surname and calls her self Mrs, it's all a bit odd and I actually feel a bit sorry for her..

ClaudiaJ1 · 03/01/2022 18:17

@Doggymama123 What you are describing is the wedding ("traditional day") not the marriage. A wedding lasts for a day, the MARRIAGE lasts a lifetime (supposed to anyway). The wedding day doesn't matter, it's the marriage that matters.

And a will can be successfully contested by legal family such as his parent or sibling. It's been stated on this site just how often it has been overturned. There is a post by @Graphista I am trying to find that demonstrates this, how someone can lose their home and savings.

Also, a will doesn't give you Next of Kin rights, allow you to be in the room when he passes, allow you to make funeral arrangements, or even allow you to even be listed as Next of Kin on the Death Certificate. A will really doesn't do anything, it doesn't protect your medical rights while you are still alive. Only marriage does that. And if you prioritise the wedding day ie veil and flowers and gown and big reception over the actual marriage then you have the wrong idea of what marriage is about. A wedding and marriage are two very different things. The wedding is just the big party. The marriage is the important bit.

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 18:18

@Notmrsfitz You sound so lovely. I won’t pretend to understand your life or situation, as it sounds very different to mine. But I really wish you all the good things.

CPL593H · 03/01/2022 18:19

The Jackie has a lot to answer for (although the tips on "making the best of yourself" were great Grin

You sound kind, fun and well worth knowing and I'm glad you've got what sounds like a lovely son. Flowers

CPL593H · 03/01/2022 18:23

Sorry, that was to @Notmrsfitz

Notmrsfitz · 03/01/2022 18:25

@MeSanniesareBrannies and @CPL593H Thankyou both of you ❤️.
This is the nicest my life has been.
My son is very lovely and I’m v proud of him- I do have 2 other older sons but for other reasons they’re ‘estranged’ (one sided with his dad when we split and the eldest graduated and works abroad and has similar characteristics to his dad.

I’ve done an extremely good job of hijacking someone else’s thread haven’t I x

MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/01/2022 18:25

@Doggymama123 I’m genuinely confused. You want to be married, but are unwilling to get married because a marriage without a traditional wedding day (which you can’t afford) would defeat the object? How, though?

What is the object of marriage from your perspective? For me it certainly isn’t the wedding (although, that’s obviously a lovely celebration) or even the legal protections (although they are a hugely important factor), it’s the symbolic union of me and my beloved until death do us part.

So, I suppose I’m asking what marriage means to you and in what way that is impacted by the lack of a party that you can’t afford.